Crystal Ball

I wish I had one, so I could see my husband's future.  J went off to work today with his head hanging low.  He said he has no hope.  He said he doesn't know what he's going to do.

After waiting around for this last week, hoping to hear about his promotion, J found out that they are now starting the interview process all over again with new people.  For him, that's pretty much a red flag that he didn't get the job.  He is beyond down in the dumps.  This is the sixth time he's interviewed for a promotion.  The sixth time he hears all the right things- "you are the number one candidate!"- and the sixth time he's faced rejection.  He always takes it hard.  

I tell him not to take it personally, I'm sure it was a business decision.  But he said how can he not take it personally?  They are rejecting him- his career with the company, his desire to move up, his leadership abilities, his dedication.  The sad thing is, J really really does love his job and loves the company and loves what he does for a living.  He wants to continue with his career, he's just ready to take it to the next level before that creeping sensation of burn out catches up with him.  It's hot on his heels right now and it gets closer with every day, every week.

So these are the times where I'm at a loss.  When you are the one who always needs support, always needs to be lifted out of the doldrums- it can be a daunting task to figure out the best way to help someone else.  I support J in his decisions, and I support him with his plans for our future.  I try to contain my anger and support him when, like today he said he has to work until 9pm on a review board that his boss is supposed to be handling but is making J do it instead.

As for me personally, I am totally defensive about my husband.  As his wife, the only person who sees all the behind-the-scenes action in his life, I know there is no one else as deserving as he is for a promotion.  No one as qualified.  No one who has put in his dues like J has.  But I am biased, I know.  For every person who interviewed for this job, I am sure they had someone cheering them on from home.  I will always cheer for J, he is the most amazing man and husband in the world.  But I don't know how to make him feel better about his "work" persona.  I say the right things- I'm sorry, it's okay, it will happen one day.  But I know it doesn't help his mental state right now.  This morning all he could talk about is- "what did I do wrong?"  He starts to beat himself up over some imagined flaw, something he must have said wrong in the interview.

This morning I told him, we will speak no more about this promotion.  We will go on with our life together.  If by some miracle he gets a happy phone call in a few days, then it will be a nice surprise and we will celebrate it.  If not, then we carry on today as scheduled- trying to fit in a visitation for a friend's brother amid J's multiple review board cases. We will go on with our plans for the weekend- lots of yard work and finding someone to paint our house a new color. Monday morning he will get up and go to work as he does at the start of every week.  We will go on with our normal days and nights and love each other and that's that.  I told him, if he doesn't get this job, it's for a reason. Yes I know that's a cliche, but I believe it.  Things do happen for a reason, even though you may never ever find out what that reason was.

J knows that I love him, but in this situation there is nothing I can say or do to make him feel any better.  He knows I'm going to love him no matter what job he has or what company he works for.  But once he gets to the workplace and all hell breaks loose- which it seems to do more and more often these days- then I'm not so sure my unwavering love offers any real comfort in those moments of high stress and fatiguing long hours.

Normally I leave him alone during the day, knowing how busy he is.  But lately I've been trying to call him more often at work, at lunchtime when I know he's in his office for a brief few minutes, to let him know I am thinking about him and I love him.  Some days I can hear the stress and hurriedness in his voice, other days I hear the softness in his words that says he's happy to hear from me.  I just wish I could wave a wand and make all his troubles disappear, and grant him the recognition and future he so rightly deserves!

But I know J.  He will put on a good front, he will seem as though he is shaking it off and moving forward but I know better- I know it will eat him up on the inside for a long time as it always does.  But he will call me tomorrow afternoon in a tired yet glad-the-week-is-finally-over voice and say let's go to dinner and a movie Friday night.  Saturday we will go to the garden center and get mulch for the flower beds.  Sunday we will sleep in and spend the morning over coffee and the newspaper. And one day, he will put in for another promotion.  But no matter what goes on during the hours when J isn't at the house, our life together- our REAL life here at home- will never change. We both take comfort in the certainty of that future.

MISS GEE

Can I Let Go?

It's odd but I knew a week ago that I would be posting today.  You see, this afternoon J flies "out west" for a job interview.  It's the second interview, and apparently he impressed them enough on the first phone interview that the company is willing to cough up a grand to ship him across the country for a face to face meeting.  He will be home tomorrow around midnight.  Since we moved here in 2008, this will be the sixth time J has chased after a promotion.  This time he might actually get it.  At least he's being fed information- which could be total bullshit- that he's the front runner for the job.  And yes we're cautious because he's been told that before, only to find out he was passed over.  Again.  But this time it seems more serious, even I think he might get the job and I am always the pessimist.  The regional HR person even stepped in and did a mock interview with him, coaching him.

The job is not quite the promotion he really wants- but it's a position that's above what he does now, but below what he wants to ultimately do.  It would be a good stepping stone though.  If he gets this job, he will either love it and be invigorated and be happy to continue with it until retirement.  Or he will hate it and be stuck and looking for a way out.  It's a chance he is willing to take.  At this point, the way his current job is going, nothing else could make him quite as miserable.  J tries to just brush it off and act nonchalant- we've already been through this so many times before.  But I think he wants this opportunity, this job, more than he's willing to let on.  This morning his stomach hurt, fraught with nerves over a meeting still 24 hours away.

Last Friday is a perfect example of how ridiculously shitty his job has become.  I've mentioned that J is over the entire operations of his building- 400+ employees, five or six departments.  He has five managers that work under him, and about a dozen supervisors under them.  But J is over it all.  Day and night, weekday and weekend.  So Friday morning the phone rings at 4am.  Not unusual, we're used to the phone going off at all hours.  But this time it wasn't good news, problems with the overnight crew, and so J hopped up right away and shot off to work.  We had tickets to a basketball game in the city that night, not until 7:30pm, no worries.  A long day for J, but he would manage.  In the afternoon he called me several times to say, things are going to crap at work, he is feeling sick, and he doesn't think he can get out of work in time for the game so he's selling the tickets online.  

Then when I'm sitting at home wondering when he will be home for dinner, he calls to say more problems, and HE has to drive an hour south to meet a customer to pick up product the guy was accidentally given that actually belongs to another customer, then take it back to the warehouse.  Why J?  J is an executive making six figures.  Can't someone else do it??  But everyone else just went home at their normal time to their families, without giving a shit about anything that was going on at work, the "someone else will handle it" mentality.  Why?  Because J always comes to the rescue and everyone has depended on that for all these years, so no one else makes an effort.  So all of this running about for J, over five small boxes of items for one customer.  J finally made it to the house at 11pm, indeed sick with something, and he couldn't make it home in time.  He had puked all over his clothes, his shoes, his truck, all over the driveway outside.  Then he spent the entire weekend in bed.

If I sound angry, it's because I still am.  For all of J's unwavering work ethics and dedication and leadership skills, he has a very unassuming manner and is easily taken advantage of.  At least that's how I see it.  He sees it as just doing his job.

So, that is unfortunately NOT a once in a lifetime day at work for J.  Crap like that happens all the time.  And I am tired of him always being the one to step up and handle problems that other people create ("That's what I get paid for" he says), and I'm tired of him never ever getting so much as a thank you from anyone ("People don't know what I do behind the scenes and I don't advertise it" he shrugs) and I'm tired of work always cutting into our family time ("It's the job that pays for all our vacations and good times" he reminds me).  So that makes me even madder every time he puts in for a promotion and gets passed over, especially the last few times when it was an unproven newcomer hired from outside the company.  To say that I hope with all my heart that J finally finally finally gets his chance this time, is an understatement.

But the flipside to the promotion is- this is a traveling job.  Full time travel.  Every week, every day.  J would only be home for the weekends, and sometimes- if he has to stay in the same place- he may not even come home on the weekend.  Anyone who reads my blog knows that time with J is already at a minimum and very precious to me.  So how can I be okay with giving up even more of it?  Simple.  I love J.  And I want this for him.  And frankly I have this little devilish side that thinks his current cast of coworkers will simply be screwed if he leaves, because no one there can do what J does.  No one else has the knowledge, the drive, the motivation to do what he does.  Not his boss.  Not the managers J personally handpicked and trained.

This promotion would have J traveling all over the country, to the 60+ other warehouses, helping them out.  He would go wherever he was needed, north or south, east or west.  And J would be excellent at that, he is outstanding at solving problems, overcoming challenges, figuring out new ways of doing things- he actually enjoys it.  And since he's been with the company for almost 20 years, there's nothing about operations that he doesn't know.  But having said that, each warehouse sort of does their own thing, so J is interested in this job because he feels it will be as much of a learning experience for him, and he's ready for something new.  J really needs this, for his sanity, for his soul which is being sucked dry by his current situation.  This new position, he would not be tied down to any single warehouse.  In fact, he wouldn't even have an office anymore, so his current warehouse gang probably wouldn't ever see him again.  Which means on days where he didn't travel he would be at home, if there are ever days he doesn't travel.  (The guy who had the job before finally retired after a LONG time, but he also said he was tired of all the travel to the north during winters.)  Plus, we could live anywhere we want to, as long as J is near an airport. With no "office" to go to, we don't have to live in any specific town or state.

A lot of the talks we've had lately are all the fun "what if" things.  Like, I could sometimes travel with him.  Or we could finally move to Florida.  He would start earning enough points with the airlines and hotels and rental cars we could take free vacations.  Work would be paying for his weekday meals now, cutting down some of our costs.  He would still get his four weeks of vacation every year, his holidays off.  We can put our FaceTime app to good use. We did talk about the negatives, him being away from home.  I told him, the changes are greater for him than for me.  Sure, he won't be home at night, but I'll still be here in my comfort zone- on our old couch watching TV, cuddling with the cats, sleeping in our bed.  He's the one who will be living out of a hotel room week after week. We talked about him sticking to a diet and exercising while he's on the road, and me doing the same when he's not here.  We've pretty much talked it all out. We go through this every time he interviews for a job. Hopefully this time, it will be our reality instead of just talk.

I think it would take time to get used to it, but I will be okay with J traveling.  Knowing that we are almost 50 and this won't be forever.  Knowing that he's not going off to war.  Knowing that it's not for six months straight without seeing him.  Knowing that it's a positive thing, and not something he's forced into doing against his will.  Knowing that there could even be some fringe benefits.  Right now during the week, I get J's company for a few minutes in the morning as we have coffee, and at night he normally doesn't come home until 8pm now.  We eat a hurried dinner, watch a bit of TV, then go to bed at 10pm.  So really, how much time during the week do we have together?  Would I be selfish enough to say eating dinner with him Monday through Thursday night, is more important than him taking a chance on what could be his dream job?  I would never do that.  I haven't even told my parents yet, they will have a total freak out, their "baby girl" home by herself like some helpless chick left alone in the nest.  I am already home alone every day an average of 13 or more hours a day, so it's really not going to be much of a difference.  As a struggling artist, I  am finally learning to appreciate those quiet hours and use them wisely.

I will post more about this as soon as I know something solid.

MISS GEE

Comfy Cozy Content

J zipped out of the house this morning at 6:30, for an early meeting at work, then a flight with his boss to go visit another division out of state.  Nothing exciting, just to look at new equipment our warehouse is getting this year, to watch how it works, etc.  J wasn't thrilled, he is incredibly busy this week, and to keep him out of the office for two days means he will probably have to work from home all weekend to get caught up.  He may be an upper level manager, but he still has reports and deadlines and projects.  He's been grumpy all week because of this trip, and he'll be back very late tomorrow night.  It's cold here this morning, down in the teens, the kind of cold that penetrates the windows and even though the heat is running, I'm still wearing a sweater inside.  All four of the cats are huddled around the fireplace, waiting for the sun to come up- and through the windows- so they can stretch out on the floor and get warm.  We only had enough creamer in the house this morning for one cup of coffee, and I let J have it.  I braved the cold temps and headed out to the store not long after he left, because me without java is like me without oxygen.  I won't survive for long.  And me having coffee without creamer is like, well, just gross.

I had the conversation again this past weekend with J, about me not working.  He is still standing firm about me staying at home.  I think he likes me being at home more than I do, and as long as he feels that way I'm okay with it.  He said if I get to the point where I'm just utterly miserable at home, then we'll talk. He's still concerned about me socializing, which is very low on my list of priorities.  Frankly, even most people out there in the world communicate primarily by emails and texts these days.  So I don't believe that staying at home is quite as isolating as it used to be.  I know he would go nuts, but he doesn't have many solo hobbies, and he doesn't even like to read.  I do still go see my physical therapist, although not quite as often, and she and I have become friends over the years.  I talk to my girlfriend back home on the phone, although those are very one-sided conversations.  Her crying and whining and me sighing heavily while I listen.  I don't enjoy talking to her at all, but I do it out of loyalty and love.  And I do still have my group support meetings every Friday morning, where I spend an hour with the same folks each week.  But J feels as though that's not enough.  He has been strongly encouraging me to go start the yoga classes at the studio I've been eyeing, and to start classes at one of the craft stores (our little town has a Michael's, Jo-Ann's, and Hobby Lobby!) in the evenings or weekends.  I'm up for all of that, I just haven't gotten to that place yet where I'm ready to commit.  I know, that sounds silly, it's not like I don't have the time.  Right now, I just don't have the energy.  I'm still working on it- the more my depression eases, the more I'm excited to go back to doing yoga or to learn a new craft.

Both of our health issues are getting better, and J believes it is 100% because of my being at home.  He said he's afraid that if I go back to work, all of our progress will start to backslide.  J is at the lowest weight he's ever been at since I've known him, and although he's still going out to lunch with the guys at work, every morning I get up and fix him a healthy breakfast, and every night when he gets home I have a healthy dinner waiting on him.  That never happened when I was working out of the house.  With the cold weather, J has been craving soup for dinner almost every night and I've been trying out new recipes.  We both know that the tendency to gain weight is high in the winter, with yummy casseroles and hefty roasts the norm, so we've made a conscious decision to eat lighter instead.  Roasted veggies, soups, and yes even salads.  We still go out to eat on the weekends, but not every weeknight like we were doing when I was trudging out of the office at 7pm.  I'm still working on my own battles, but the number on the scale is steadily going down.  I know it also gives him peace of mind that I can increasingly do more of the household chores that always fell on his shoulders in the past.  The other day he told me how much he enjoyed having the bed made every day now.  Before, I ran out of the house so fast in the mornings that at night when we were exhausted, we fell into a mess of tangled sheets and blanket.  It's amazing how something so simple, could please him so much.  And I'm thankful they are things I can continue to give him, give us.

We did talk about downsizing our vacations and trips this year, and J said he plans to stay out of the casinos.  All of that was okay, back when we had my paycheck as our disposable income to play with.  We haven't been to any auctions or estate sales lately, simply because we got bored with them, we used to go two and three times a month and spend way too much.  The last few weekends, J has been extremely content to stay at home and work in the garage and basement.  Even though we still have a lot of winter left, he's cleaning up the garage now.  He has decided to take a stab at learning some woodworking skills on his own, and on a recent trip to see his folks, his dad loaded up the back of our truck with cedar from trees he cut down.  J has a garage filled with tools that he never uses, so for 2014 his promise to himself was to start staying at home on the weekends, and be happy about it.  I don't think we need to be on a lake or a boat or in a casino in order for him to relax and detoxify his soul.  In the past, after a long week of stress at work, J always wanted to escape and we almost always went out of town every weekend.  He vowed to himself to slow down and start enjoying his home, his yard, his real life.  I hope he does, life is too short, and we both have to learn to love the one we are living right now.  If I can help him with it, that makes me extremely happy.

MISS GEE

It Ended On A Happy Note

So to continue with the story, 2003 was my super big year of change.  And even though 2003 was a shitty time between the ex and I, it was still a positive turning point in my life.  As painful and hard as 2003 was, it ended on a high note.  Not only did I make that long overdue decision to get out of my poisonous first marriage, the end of 2003 propelled me towards the happier future that is my life now.

Before 2003, I'd always been the dutiful wife, taking all the verbal abuse, trying to never rock the boat.  I never complained for the most part.  I picked up dirty clothes strewn all over the house and picked up dirty dishes left on the bedroom nightstand.  I dumped out overflowing ashtrays and collected empty scattered beer bottles.  My ex was filthy and had grosser habits that I can't even talk about.  It was exhausting cleaning up after him.  It was particularly tiring when I was working two jobs to try and keep us afloat, while he was going through his period of "trying to figure out" what he wanted to do in life.  Over the years, I grew more weary and became resigned to my destiny as his maid and cook.  I stopped caring about myself- I gained weight at a rapid pace, I stopped wearing makeup, stopped wearing my contact lenses, and bought big saggy clothes from the discount stores to hide under. And I am embarrassed to admit that on some days (too many) I was so tired in the morning from having worked until 11pm at my night job, that I would stumble into my day job at 7am without having washed my hair or even taken a shower.  I didn't care about anything but surviving, there was no joy at all in me.  I had started hating myself and my life long before 2003 rolled around.

But with that milestone year, I decided that simple survival wasn't good enough, that I wanted to live, so I changed.  Not just the weight loss, but in my head and heart as well.  Never in all the years with W had I even looked at another man, especially when I was at my heaviest and frumpiest.  But when I realized that it was time to move along and get on with a new phase of my life, I started to cast glances at members of the opposite sex.  In 2001 I had quit both my longtime jobs, and went to work at the company I just left this year.  It paid too well, and it was 8 to 5, so I was glad for it.  I realized I worked around a lot of men, and frankly I hadn't bothered to notice up until that point.  And for the first time in a really long time, I started developing crushes.  Nothing serious, just oh wow he's actually cute.   These were the same men I'd been working around for two years already, but I just woke up and appreciated that they were men and not just coworkers.  It made me feel good about myself, to discover that buried spark of life in my gut, and I was surprised how much it lifted my self-esteem.

In the fall of 2003, Fate intervened.  One of the managers in another department that I had to work closely with, was in the reserves and he was called to serve in the Middle East.  He was going to be gone for a long tour of duty, and so to temporarily replace him, a night shift manager was moved into his daytime job. That night shift manager was J.  J and I had been at the same company together for over two years, but we'd never met because of our different schedules.  I'd seen his name on reports and on his box in the mail room.  He had a very weird last name, and I didn't even know how to pronounce it correctly.

Folks, I hate the phrase love at first sight, because I think it sounds cheesy and unrealistic.  But I don't know how else to describe the first time J and I met.  He was suddenly at my desk one day, looking for some paperwork.  I'd never seen him before, I had absolutely no clue who he was, and on that afternoon he was pissed off about something and didn't even introduce himself to me.  I found the invoices he needed, and as I stood there and he stalked away, the girl at the desk beside me said "Oooh, you two are going to have an affair."   I swear on everything that is holy, that this is a true story, and those were her exact words.  I looked at her and said, "I don't even know who the hell that guy is!"  But she saw something on my face apparently as I watched him leave.

I don't know what it was, but inside of me, I knew she was somehow right.  When I met J, I was just recently over all my health issues- my kidney stone, my gallbladder, my biopsy.  And although I hadn't yet put voice to W that I wanted a divorce, I think my head already knew that was the direction my life was going.  The thing is, absolutely no one at work knew how bad my marriage was, and certainly not the coworker in the next cube.  So for her to look at me and state emphatically that I was going to have an affair with J, some kind of giant neon arrow must have been flashing over my head.  Probably a big scarlet letter A.  Without prompting- or permission- my work neighbor went to J and told him she "knew" someone who thought he was cute.  Later on, J told me that he was hoping it was me, because he also felt a mutual attraction on that first afternoon.

That was at the very end of September 2003, and J and I embarked on a very flirtatious relationship through emails over the next few weeks.  We eventually started hinting to each other that we should meet away from work.  But in December J backed away and said he had second thoughts.  He knew I was married, and he said after deep reflection he decided that it was not a situation he wanted to get involved in, it was wrong and he wasn't that type of man.  I was already madly in love with him by this time, even though we hadn't even had so much as a lunch date.  I can't explain it, really.  I see shows like "The Bachelorette" and think, how can that dumb woman say she's in love with this guy that she's only known a few weeks and she doesn't really know anything about him?!  So okay, it can happen.  And I am here ten years later to say it does happen.

If you were to ask me, did I leave W to be with J, the answer would be yes and no.  I know I had wanted to leave W for many months by that time, no matter what.  But meeting J was the catalyst that got me off my ass and made me know for certain, I was going to have a life after W.  When I told W I wanted a divorce, it was just the culmination of all those bad years, those awful moments I'd had with him.  True, J and I had not done anything but send flirty emails back and forth- there were no commitments, not even the slightest of promises .  But I think I saw what could be, what I could potentially have with J or any other nice guy, were I not still tied to the 200 pound anchor that was dragging me down.  And when I saw that one chance, that fleeting moment, starting to pass me by I knew I had to make that choice.  Not to "be with" J.  But for myself, to save my soul and what was left of my years on this earth.  W would have eventually devoured me until I probably would have done something more drastic than divorce him.

A few days after I told W that I was done being his doormat, I told J that my marriage was over and I had asked my husband for a divorce.  I wanted to know, could I possibly have a chance with him?  Would he ever reconsider his decision not to get involved with me, knowing that although I had to wait out a legal separation, I would no longer be another man's wife?  Think what you will of me.  I had to take that huge leap before the moment was gone.  J could have said no, sorry, I'm not interested.  I would still have been okay with the world because I had unburdened myself from W, whether or not my new single life was also going to include a new man.  And even though I demanded the divorce, it turns out that was the easiest part of it, and it was only the beginning of a very long up and down two year journey of bliss and heartaches.  It took a long time from me being Miss Gee to being Mrs J.  And in the two years that I lived alone for the very first time in my life, I grew more as a person and a woman, than I had in the three plus decades leading up to then.

And so on the very last day of 2003, J and I had our first date, a simple lunch in the park where we could finally talk away from work, turn our smiles up to the sun, and get to know each other better.  And oh yes, share our first of many many many kisses...

MISS GEE

Giving Support

As much as I loathe my ex, I love and adore and cherish J a million times more.  But he is a better man by those millions.  Sometimes having such a strong, devoted, caring, selfless husband means I can't help him when HE needs it.  We are facing that crisis right now, although he would deny there is an issue.  J is struggling in the same way that I was- no balance in his daily existence- all work and no home life.   He is not taking care of his health at all.  He says he doesn't have time for a doctor's appointment to get his prescriptions refilled- the same excuse I had, the one that landed me in the hospital.   He is leaving the house at 6:30AM and getting home at 8PM.  Skipping lunch because he doesn't have time.  Reading emails in bed before he even gets up for a shower.  And in between he is doing his job and in many cases the projects he should delegate to others.

Of course I was working those same hours along with him.  The company is making cuts in personnel and pushing the rest of the loyal souls as hard as they can, and every day they expect even more.  Especially from the salaried folks like my husband.  At least I made extra money for my long hours, in overtime pay. This past year, they even cut J's bonus potential down to half, that was his reward and what he worked so hard for.  And I know that's the American way these days. Most people don't even get a bonus at all.  As hard as he works, he is one man who absolutely deserves his bonus.  J may be upper management, but he started off at the very bottom 16 years ago, and he does not ever forget that.  He is as likely to roll up his sleeves and do the real physical work, as he is to sit and waste his time on a boring conference call in his office.

I am not here to gripe about how every year, others go on the company's vacation trip or cruise for executives, while J has never been anywhere on the company dime unless it was for meetings.  I am here to say how disappointed I am for my ever-dedicated husband, that he has to do so much hard work and give up so much at home, but doesn't get to play on that same game field as some others.  And how very hard that fact is on him, and how hard it is on me to watch it and not be able to offer any solutions or options for him.  I would do absolutely anything in my power for that man, I love him without reservations or limits.

I don't blame any one person for my husband's stressful job because I know at the end of the day, most everyone there is just as stressed out as J is.  But I see how it is tearing down my husband so that makes me mad and defensive.  And yes, biased. J has always had fire and passion about his job, about the company. That is, until last year when he was passed over for another promotion, once again in favor of someone from outside the company.  Ever since then, J can barely tolerate his job and the company.  To say he is still bitter, is an understatement.  To say he now feels trapped, is putting it mildly.  Most mornings J does not even want to get up, and he's never been like that before.  Recently, it's getting worse.  This morning he said if he was lucky, he would die and wouldn't have to go back.  Those are the kinds of things I was saying, before I quit working there.

I blame the entire company.  They have a slave master mentality, everything they do is for the bottom dollar.  And they are not sharing it with anyone else but the investors. Certainly not the people who are actually creating the profits.  Once, when we were owned by another entity, the company had a family atmosphere and it was a generous place where everyone loved to work.  Now with our new owners entrenched, long time employees are running out the door as fast as they can. Again, I am digressing into a rant against the company, but right now they are my enemy because they are changing my husband into someone I barely recognize anymore.  It's to the point, I don't care about the great salary- that money isn't making a difference when J can't even smile anymore.  And right now, I desperately want J to quit working there, the sooner the better.  But it won't happen.

As many times as I've encouraged J to go look for a job at another company, he says he can't.  And that is where I feel helpless.  He makes enough money that he was able to support me leaving, but it doesn't work the other way around.  He can't just quit.  And the company has dangled enough carrots in front of all their donkeys- stock options, etc.- that he feels like he has to stick around.  When his bonus got cut this year, they exchanged the annual payout for a future incentive bonus, but one he won't get for another 4-5 years.  The stock options he's been accumulating, are "ghost" stocks because our company is privately held- they are useless and have no value unless we become publicly traded.  And J will get to benefit from this crap, these worthless promises of potential money, only if he stays with the company for several more years.  If he left now, he would lose it all.  I said, what would you lose, you don't "have" anything. You get a paycheck, that is it.  All jobs give out paychecks.  What else can this company do for its dedicated employees, to keep them from going to the competitor, to keep them from looking for more lucrative employment?  The days of promising "future" money is something from another generation- good workers need to be rewarded now.  Still, J looks at all of this as our retirement.  Potential retirement, since none of those stock options may ever be worth one single cent.

It pains me so deeply, that I can't take care of my husband in a way that would allow him to step back from the stress.  That was his sacrifice for me, so that I could get away from it.  He tells me, everything he does, is for me and all he wants out of life is my health and happiness.  It makes my heart swell with love for this man, but makes it break with sadness at the same time.  He can't escape the burden, because he has to continue on in order for me to stay home and get my health back.  In the meantime, I watch his health- both physical and emotional- suffer even more.  And I feel powerless.  I've thought about going out to get another job, but he said no, not yet. And even if I did, it wouldn't matter, this isn't about me having a salary or not.  He wouldn't leave the company, and he can't back off from the grueling hours and all his duties as long as he stays there.  He said his plan is to stick it out there until he is 50, and that's almost four more years.  I am not sure he can last that long, but I know J, and I know he will continue to push himself every day, to get in there, to do what he gets paid to do and more, to handle whatever tasks he is given.

I want to rescue my husband.  I want him to be around for our old age together, and the way things are going, I am not sure J will be alive in 10-20 years from now.  His blood sugar, his cholesterol, his blood pressure, his weight.  Thankfully he quit smoking, and drinks only rarely.  But, the stress is eating him alive, and that's as dangerous as any pack of Camels.  What is the point of me getting healthy again, if he is not going to be there with me?  I don't want to live without him.

MISS GEE

Miss You

Vacation is TRULY over now, because I crawled back to work today in the pouring rain to find not only my co-worker out, but my supervisor D out as well. Leaving me all alone to try and catch up on my emails and work from last week, and to also try to do their work today too.  It was a 10 hour day, which is typical. My supervisor just irritated the hell out of me by sending me stupid emails from home all day.  Do this, do that, call so-and-so.  I wanted to email back and say, you bitch you called out today, stay off your computer and leave me the fuck alone!  At least I muttered that to myself for most of the day.

I had to say goodbye to J today too, as he was flying off to the corporate offices in Chicago for the week, for meetings.  He was not too excited about it, but luckily he doesn't have to go out of town too much for work.  Maybe a few weeks out of the year.  Me, I don't get to travel at all, not even down the street to pick up doughnuts for the office.

I always joke with J that wow, I'm glad he's gone, it gives me a break.  But I do it to try and lighten the mood because we both know that, when I'm not around him, I am usually very deep in a black hole.  Partly because I just love him so damn much, I can't stand to be without him.  But partly too because when he's not with me, I realize how meaningless and empty my life is.  I tell him all the time, he is the reason I get out of bed every morning, without him I wouldn't want to even wake up at all.  Sometimes he thinks I'm just being melodramatic, but most of the time he understands that I mean it.  I've never thought of myself as being suicidal, but there's really no other way to take that.

J and I have a healthy relationship, a good balance of being together and apart.  He has stuff he wants to do with the guys- football games, golfing- and I never make a fuss about it.  He still always asks first- honey, do you mind if Dave and I go play poker Saturday night?  And I'm so very appreciative that he respects me enough to do so.  My standard answer is always, I don't mind one bit.  Truth be told, I don't mind if he goes off for a whole Sunday afternoon without me.  In theory.  Most of the time I'm okay.  But there are some days that I get super down, lonely, anxious- even when I know he'll be back in a few hours.

I don't know what triggers those feelings.  I do like to spend quiet time alone, to read or paint, or even goof off on the computer.  I hate sleeping alone though. And I don't sleep well when J isn't here.  I am slightly afraid of the dark, so once the sun goes down and J is not home, I won't sit in the living room alone, or even work in the home office.  I usually slink off to the bedroom with the curtains closed, and the bedroom door shut (okay, I have to crack it a few inches for the cats to come in and out).  When J is here, I'm comfortable everywhere in the house.  When he's not, I feel vulnerable and lonely and scared.

I know he'll call me tonight, and we'll talk for a few minutes, just to check in and make sure I got home from work safely and he got to his hotel okay.  Then I'll take something to make me sleep and watch TV late enough to exhaust me into a coma that not even the smallest sound will wake me from.  It's the only way I can get through those nights without my husband at home.

MISS GEE