More Of The Same

J left for work at 6:30 this morning, and won't be home until 9pm.  He has a big shot from corporate trailing him all day long, doing an audit, one that will continue tomorrow.  Actually, this is a "pre"-audit audit, to gauge how prepared his department is for the actual big week long audit at the end of the month. The audit is to get some kind of new certification, and although it's an internal audit, it's still the weight of the world on his shoulders right now.  J says he isn't ready, but I also know how self-deprecating he is when it comes to important projects at work that he has to head up.  Still, I heard him throwing up not long before he left.  I asked him if he was sick, he said no.  I think he's just like the kid who gets the tummy ache because he doesn't want to go to school.  J's been with the company for 16 years now, so it's not like he's expecting an ambush or bad news.  He just hates it that much.  I can't convince him to go work somewhere else, or even think about it.  He gets unsolicited calls from headhunters all the time, but he never returns them or even considers it.  People at the company who have been there longer, are heading for the front door in droves to go work elsewhere.  I don't know if it's J's loyalty that keeps him there, or it's just he's comfortable bunking with the devil he knows.  In 30 years this is only the second company he's ever worked for since he was out of high school.  I'm not sure he would know what do to with himself at a new job.  I don't think he wants to work for a new company, he just wants a new location.  This weekend he remarked how it was almost a year ago that his dreams were crushed when he didn't get his promotion.  Honestly, he's just never been the same since then.

As much as I loathe it, I am dedicating myself to housework this week.  No pottery, no reading.  Just a quick blog post this morning while I finish my coffee.  I had one of those moments last week.  During a phone conversation with my girlfriend back home, she told me she was going to use two of her vacation days this week to clean her house.  I realized with shame that every day right now presents me with that same opportunity and I ignore it.  I surface clean- just enough to wipe away the crumbs and vacuum up the cat hair- and our family deserves so much more.  Yesterday I started on one side of the house, and managed to get three rooms done and damn if it didn't take all day.  Everything.  Scrubbing baseboards, cleaning windows and ceiling fans, dusting every little knickknack, washing out garbage cans.  I even took each light bulb down and washed away all the crud that somehow gathers on the surface.  Who knew?  I cleaned areas that I wager I haven't touched since we moved in here.  I cleaned things that no one else but me will ever see or even notice, but that's not the point.  I wasn't looking for J to come home and say oh wow honey, you cleaned behind the toilet, that was so thoughtful of you!  So as soon as I finish this post, I will be giving the same top to bottom treatment here in the office.  Somehow I will clean around J's paperwork- it looks like a big mess to me but I'm sure he has it organized in a way that makes sense to him!  And no, my kitty isn't comatose, he just likes to keep me company when I'm typing away.

I am feeling better this week, my depression doesn't seem as severe.  Last week, I'm not sure what was wrong with me, nothing was really going on that would put me so down in the dumps.  But I was.  I even skipped my weekly support group meeting on Friday, and got an email from my leader saying they all missed me and hoped to see me this week.  I didn't tell J that I had skipped it, he would fuss at me with concern.  I have more blood tests this week, and two doctor's appointments next week.  My one doctor said, if my blood work looks better, she'll let me go three months before I have to come back, instead of monthly lab work.  That would be lovely.   Between the hospital stay for my liver, all the ongoing lab work, my broken tooth, and the hand surgery- all of them unrelated to one another- I've been poked with more needles since April than I ever have been in my entire life. Thankfully we have decent health insurance, we've needed it this year.  Who knows what the future holds though?  I am trying to stay blissfully ignorant of all the current political hubbub, and I couldn't tell you the first detail about Obamacare.  Oh, I read about it and watch the news, but depending on the slant of the paper or channel, I couldn't tell you if any of it's truth or party-related opinion.  Our household is divided- J and I are of opposite political parties and we coexist happily with no conflicts when it comes to that subject matter. We joke and say we just cancel out each other's vote at the polls anyhow.

The weather has been helpful this week too.  We had a big rain come through on Sunday afternoon and evening, and the temps dropped.  I am grateful for it. The trees haven't started to turn yet down here, but I am seeing hints of pale yellows and a blush of light red here and there.  Pumpkins are appearing on doorsteps all over the neighborhood.  The crows descend on our yard every day, and my cats sit patiently in the windows to watch their noisy antics.  Yesterday I was able to open the windows in the morning and leave them open the entire day, for the first time this season.  Normally I have to close them up in the afternoon and turn the AC back on.  I've been getting out the autumn decorations but more than likely no one will enjoy them but me.  My parents were supposed to come for a visit next week, but my father hurt his back and doubts he will be up for traveling by then.

J and I had "the talk" this weekend.  No, not the one you had with your parents when you were turning thirteen.  The money talk.  An update on how we're doing since I stopped working five months ago.  It wasn't a bad talk, and certainly not an argument.  There are a lot of places we started saving money the instant I quit my job, as in the gas it took to fill up my SUV for the 1,000 miles a month I commuted to the office.  Now I barely drive 20 miles a week going into town for errands.  But on the downside, I no longer put 25% of my paycheck into a 401K with matching contributions from my company.  Bummer.  J just said, we need to do a better job of cutting back expenses and sticking to a budget.  Uhm, what budget?  Yes, that's the problem, we haven't really set up one yet. And he did mean we.  And the biggest hunk of our expense pie that needs to be trimmed, is our traveling.  The actual cost of our travel is hard to figure out. We fly for free and stay at hotels for free, all because of points earned on credit cards and gambling at casinos.  We are platinum for the airline, platinum for the hotel, diamond for the casino, VIP for the cruise line.  Points and points amass.  We've flown to the West Coast for free, we've flown first class for free, we get free upgrades to suites at pricey hotels and on ships, we go to the head of the line at the casino restaurants and eat for free.  But guess what you have to do to earn all these freebies and points?  Spend!!!  So how free is it??  Exactly.  J said it's been a nice ride, but it's got to stop after this year, and he swore it has nothing to do with me not working right now.  He said we can still travel, but not at the expense of trying to keep up our "status" levels.  Since I don't gamble, if we never went to another casino ever again, I am great with that.

J and I went to a big arts and craft fair over the weekend, and it made me realize I am nowhere near being ready for that step with my pottery and painting.  I will continue to concentrate on my online business instead, and that's okay.  There isn't anything wrong with dreaming or making plans, but being realistic is also nothing to be ashamed of.  I know it's just a hobby, and just because I have business cards printed out with my "business" name on it, I don't see myself working the southeast craft fair circuit full time.  I talked to people on Sunday who do nothing but travel to shows every weekend, no matter where they are located.  I thought about just the expense of the travel, the cost of the booth space.  I would never recoup that with my small items.  I make and sell "supplies" to other folks, and most people who come to those fall festivals are looking for the finished product that they can immediately display or wear when they leave with it.

At this point, I don't expect any big changes for either of us for the rest of the year.  We'll go on our planned vacation in November, we'll see family and friends over the holidays.  We'll both celebrate turning 47 in the upcoming weeks.  J will continue with his long days at work.  I plan to keep plugging away at my art- and do better with the housekeeping. We'll go find fun local outings to attend on the weekends.  So unless something dramatic happens that I need to report, you can assume life goes on here as it always does.  It's time for me to get this blog back to where I originally intended for it to go- deep in my head to work out the many longstanding and unresolved issues that I continue to dwell on, the ones that continue to shape my daily thoughts and decisions.

MISS GEE

Swimming Through Cobwebs

My sadness continues and I don't know why.  I've started three other posts this week, only to abandon them because I couldn't get my thoughts together enough to say what I wanted to say and still sound coherent.  I have serious brain fog.  I have serious melancholy.  I have day after day after long day, free to do whatever I want, free to get my shit together and I can't seem to do it.  My horoscope this morning said that I needed to bring more optimism into my life.  All I could think was, having optimism doesn't actually make anything better, it just makes you think it's getting better.  And frankly, I'm sick of my whining.

I asked J this weekend about me going back to work.  It's been five months now since I left my job, and other than getting my (non-selling) pottery listed on Etsy and losing 30 pounds, I haven't accomplished a damn thing.  J said he really does not want me to go back to work right now.  Our old company would love to have me back, other departments said they would take me and I wouldn't have to deal with my horrible ex-boss.  I am flattered, but J said even if I do go back to work, he doesn't want me coming back to that place.  Long time employees are jumping ship, and newbies are fleeing within months of starting.  It's just turned into a terrible atmosphere.  J would get gone if he could, but he's toughing it out at least until our house is paid off in three years.  Not having a mortgage would free him up to find a less demanding career, perhaps doing something he wants to do, instead of something he has to do in order to be a fiscally responsible provider and head of household.

I do have a guilty conscience that I am now at home and J has to continue to work.  It's not as though I'm at home raising children- or chickens or goats or anything.  The cats are very independent and prove it to me every day by strutting away to go sleep in the nearest sunny spot.  J is now doing all the heavy lifting in this marriage.  I worry about him becoming resentful, but after all, isn't "retirement" the desired outcome of people our age?  I doubt most couples both retire on exactly the same day. My mom never worked, even after we kids were no longer under foot.  J's mom stopped working decades ago.  I may not be a mom, but I'm still a wife and a partner, I can still claim "home maker" or "house wife" as my title if I have to, as lame and unnecessary as that might be.  I worry that even if J really wanted me to go back to work, whether for the money or to keep me sane, he would say he wants me at home because he thinks that's what I want to hear from him.

Perhaps my most recent sadness stems from the post-surgical pain that is still lingering.  It's not horrible, but it is constant.  I still wear my brace when I need to, and I have been icing down the site every day to help with internal bruising, swelling, and pain.  The surgeon assured me it's perfectly normal, that while he was repairing the tendon he had to move aside many of the nerves, therefore they got pretty beat up in the process.  The pain I was having before the surgery seems to be gone, so once the nerve pain ends I hope that my depression lightens as well.  It's been a long year.  Many of the major things I planned to do once I left work- gardening, painting, cleaning up the basement- were put on the back burner.  I have to believe that being pain free physically, will also help heal much of the emotional pain and self-hate as well.  I haven't had a pain free existence for about seven years now, it would be remarkable to experience it, to not even have to think about it anymore.  Pain makes me feel worthless, hopeless, less than a whole human.

I feel as though I have NO RIGHT to complain about anything, pain included.  I feel beyond fortunate, and I get mad at myself for feeling anything other than spiritual bliss and complete gratitude. I may not have won the Powerball, but I've won the lottery of life.  But that's been the point of my blog.  I have all the comforts that this world has to offer, but I am still always so miserable and so very unhappy.  Why?  Besides untreated depression.  I've tried to start a daily gratitude journal, but I don't keep at it for very long.  I haven't tried in a long time, and perhaps it would be a good project to get rolling again.  Last year, when I was going through a rough patch, J gave me a stack of blank index cards and every day for a few weeks he had me write down five good things that happened that day, or five things I was happy about.  He said I couldn't repeat anything from day to day.  Every evening I had to give him my card and he kept them all.  I know he meant well and it was just an exercise much like a gratitude journal, but it just showed me how much I had to struggle just to come up with five happy thoughts for one day.

J still says that the only thing he wants out of life is for me to be happy and healthy, which was the number one reason he wanted me to quit my job and stay home.  But he also said he expects to see results and improvements, to make the financial sacrifice of my job worth it.  Every night when he gets home, he asks me two questions.  Did I take all my medicines, and did I get on the treadmill.  Those are his chief concerns about my day.  If I answer yes to both of those queries- and by that I mean did I actually truthfully do those things and I'm not just saying yes to appease him- then everything else in his world is okay.  All the hardships and frustrations he endured himself at work, are worth it so that his wife can take care of herself.  That's the type of husband he is.  And of course if I'm not doing those two things, my blood pressure monitor and the bathroom scale will tattle on me.  Not that he looks at or keeps track of any of those numbers, but I do.  If walking two miles on exercise equipment in the basement sends my husband over the moon with joy, then I would be a pretty big idiot not to do it faithfully.  If I forget to unload the dishwasher or take out the trash, those are offenses he can and does overlook.

I don't want to go on prescription medications for depression, I already take enough pills every day for all my other physical ailments.  I don't think I could stand adding more to my routine.  I've turned to the web for help.  At this point I'm open to anything.  Herbs, tea, yoga, meditation, organic, vegan. I don't care. Just something to clear away the doleful dust bunnies in my brain and get me back on the right road.

Yes it's dawn as I write this and a new day, but sometimes that fresh start is the hardest part for me to deal with, it puts so much pressure on me.  Sometimes it's the very end of the day, when it's all over at least for just a little while, that I look forward to the most.

MISS GEE

Eventually

I had started another post but deleted it.  I found it to be hollow and very fake.  I think I was trying to cheer myself up, but I'm not sure that is really what I want- or need- to do.  I reminded myself yet again, this blog is supposed to keep me honest, this is my blog for my real feelings, no matter what they are.  The "phony happy" stuff is for my other blogs that the family reads.

I think I'm just super down right now because J is in Philadelphia for the week on business, and after a few weeks of sunshine it's back to being rainy and dreary again here.  Combine the two and I'm just mopey.  J thankfully doesn't have to travel overnight much, and seldom for this long.  So our nights apart are few. And in being honest, there is a little piece of me that is somewhat relieved for a night or two alone.  I can miss J at the same time that I enjoy the evening to myself.  I can shuttle aside the domestic duties of dinner and a clean house, in favor of frozen pizza and reading for hours in my pajamas.  Truth be told, even five months of staying at home now, and I still can't stand doing the housework thing.  It's just not my forte.  I am growing to love my pottery more and more, but when I have to push myself away from my work table and clay and glazes, to go empty the dishwasher, I do get a bit annoyed.  And that's just me being selfish.  We have a beautiful home that I absolutely do not take for granted, and I should be ashamed at myself for not wanting to keep it at its cleanest.

Anyhow.

I've talked before about being alone and being lonely, and the difference between the two.  I am still doing fine as I go through my days alone.  Even to make a small pottery piece there are so many steps involved- shaping the wet clay and firing it once it's dried, glazing it and then firing it again, photographing it and listing it online, packaging and shipping it.  Yes, even just for one tiny bead or charm.  As an artist, being alone most of the time is the key to creativity, and there really isn't any other way to spend your time if you are working on a project.  And I'm okay with that, and my personality is perfectly suited to working by myself.  I see J every morning before he goes to work, we talk at least once a day on the phone, and then he comes straight home every evening as soon as he can.  Usually by 8pm, but that's a part of our marriage that I've learned to accept.  With the new responsibilities he took on when we moved here, later nights at work are just part of the normal routine.  Nothing I do or say is going to get him home to me any sooner.

I have been feeling a bit lonely these days.  Okay, really lonely.  I've come to realize that other than J, I am alone in my current world.  Maybe that's being a bit melodramatic, but it's how I've been feeling.  I've been talking to my long-distance best friend again, having our marathon chats on the phone.  Despite her severe depression, she's been my best friend for almost 13 years now and I just don't want to give up on her, no matter how much she brings me down.  I've about convinced J to take us "back home" for a weekend visit soon, so I can see her.  She was overjoyed at just the thought of having lunch with me.  But she and my other closest friend, are both 300 miles and 5 hours away.  I don't have anyone here.  

Recently I had lunch out with one of the ladies I used to work with here, and tomorrow I'm having lunch with another former co-worker.  But you know sharing an hour with someone, talking on the phone or having a meal out, just isn't the same.  They are barely more than acquaintances, not the type who would drop whatever they are doing at that moment to come pick me up if I was stranded.  I don't really have anyone like that now in my life, except for J.  And lately that's made me sad.  I miss my friends from my past life.  I miss my old city.  I deeply miss my old house.  I miss all the places that I used to go- alone, with girlfriends, with J.  Truthfully, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about our old life.  J confesses that he is the same.  I know he has been equally as unhappy in our new life.  He too left behind friends and favorite haunts.  Neither of us has really connected with anyone new here, even after five years.  He tells me at least once a week, he has never been more sorry about anything than he is about taking this job and moving us.

But that situation is not going to change.  We are not going to move back to our old town.  Even if we did, we couldn't have our old house back and probably couldn't even get into our old neighborhood.  It wouldn't and couldn't ever be the same.  Even the little bagel shop we used to walk to every single Sunday morning, has closed down.  It's funny, I lived in that town for 13 years, and I complained about it all the time.  Truth is, it had nothing to do with where I lived. It was who I lived with.  When I was with W, I was miserable, so I blamed a lot of my unhappiness on the town- he moved me from my hip hometown on the beach to a little hick town for his new job.  I took out my anger at W, on the town instead.  For ten years I put it down, I told everyone how stupid and backwards the town was and how I hated it, and hated living there, and I just wanted to get away.  Substitute the word "town" for "husband" and you see where I was coming from.  Yet once I was with J, my world changed from the inside out and suddenly that little town wasn't so bad after all.  Suddenly I grew to love it, and now here I sit, removed from it almost five years ago, and I miss everything about it.

Our routine was basically the same back then.  We worked together, we took lunch together when we could.  I worked a crazy shift- 4am until 1pm.  I went home in the afternoons and got the chores done, worked on my art or relaxed with a book, then he came home later in the evening and we had dinner.  On the weekends we ran around and did fun things like estate sales or went up to the mountains.  Pretty much nothing has changed for us.  Except our home, our neighborhood, our friends.  We do the same things here, but it isn't the same.  I don't like this house, I hate this neighborhood, we don't have real friends.  This time, when I say I hate this town, I really AM talking about the town.  But, this is where J and I decided together to move.  J isn't crazy about this town either, but we are stuck here for a good long while.  We are trying to make the most of it, but it's been rough going.  If J and I didn't have each other, I'm not sure what either of us would do.  J leans on me as much as I do him.  Moving here made our relationship stronger, but it also made our world so much smaller.

I know it's my fault I haven't made friends.  I had plenty of opportunities when I was working, to make a friendship stick.  I just didn't meet anyone I truly clicked with.  Finding a good friend is like falling in love, you know it the instant you meet the person.  Friendships shouldn't be forced or contrived.  And having things in common with another person, is not a guarantee that a relationship should be formed.  Not one person I worked with, actually lives in my town.  I drove 25 miles to get to the office, and everyone lived all over the map, none of them close by.  I know there are websites devoted to bringing couples together, or seminars on how to meet that special person.  But, where is the help in finding a friend?  Where is the local hangout for folks looking for friendship only?  Will I meet her at the dry cleaners, the grocery store, the garden center?  Those are the places I go.

I already have my soulmate, I just want someone to meet for coffee on Saturday afternoons.  Someone who doesn't live 300 miles away. 

MISS GEE

Our old house- I cry every time I see the photos.  Our life was perfect there.

Can't Stop Falling

This is almost my favorite time of the year.  At least it's getting close.  And I am ready for summer to be over with.  I am not a summertime person, and I never have been.  Even growing up on the sandy gulf beaches, I hated summer.  I'm not prissy by any means, but I hate to sweat, I hate bugs, I hate the heat.  I hate summer.  In the summer I rarely want to go anywhere or do anything, if it means going outside.  I know, I have my yard and my flowers, but once I get all of that going in the spring I usually enjoy the views from inside the house.  In the summer, I am lazier than any other time of the year.  I have a tendency to move less and I don't wander too far from the nearest ceiling fan or AC vent.  Every year when summer arrives, I am ready for it to fly by and be gone.  I have heard of SAD- Seasonal Affective Disorder- and I know I suffer from it. Most people get it in the winter- being cooped up inside, growing plumper, shorter periods of daylight.  I get it every summer, and have for almost my entire life.  I've always chalked it up to my aversion to heat, or perhaps I have an aversion to hot weather because I have SAD.  Not sure which is the chicken and which is the egg.  

We had a mild summer this year, for the Deep South.  Very few days that reached the 90 degree mark.  Right now the mornings are cool enough to open up the windows, but just briefly before the humidity creeps in.  It's just a tease.  For me, any day above 60 is too hot!  Yes, I should live in North Dakota or Maine, you are right.  In fact I'm ssssoooooo ready for summer to be over, I've already started bringing up my autumn decorations from the basement and placing them around the house.  J came home last night and said, why is there a giant pumpkin sitting on the hearth?  Right now he's consumed with baseball and golf- sports of summer- and I'm already thinking about what I want to bake for the holidays.  I'm much more active in the colder months, as far as exercise goes, I want to go hike or walk in the neighborhood.  Normally my depression lifts in the winter as well.  I lose more weight, socialize with friends more, and I just feel better about my life and myself when the thermometer drops. Go figure.  At the same time, my spirit is much more calm and content in the winter.  Nothing says settle down and relax for awhile like a good book, a fire, and a cup of cocoa.  Seriously.

But another problem I have in the fall and winter, is restlessness.  Not truly "cabin fever", as in I'm stuck in the house and can't get out.  We get one nice little snowfall here every winter, and that's it.  I get restless because I love the cool weather, the trees turning, the local fall festivals, the holidays.  I want to do and see and take it all in, and I know I can't.  On any given Saturday in the fall, there are 3 or 4 festivals or fairs nearby, and I feel like I want to get to every single one.  This Saturday I'm taking in two, and I'm already mapping out where to go next Saturday.  My restlessness also causes me great frustrations too, and I do get that caged animal sensation, like I just have to go do something.  Most of the time, it's just wanting to be outside in the crisp air and looking up at the immaculate blue sky.  Unlike summer, when I want to blink my eyes and make it go away, I want autumn and winter to get here soon and hang around.  J will walk around a street fair with me, but he doesn't really care about them- he goes because he knows as an artist at heart, I love getting out there to see what other folks are making and thinking up.  I don't rip off people's ideas, but I do get inspired to go back home and create my own art.  And I buy a lot at festivals, too.  :)

My depression has been horrible lately, and the last few weeks I have really been struggling.  Stumbling and Aimless.  I feel as though as soon as I make strides in the right direction, I have a month or so when I slide backwards and can't seem to dig my claws in there to make the descent stop, or at least slow it down a bit.  I land back at the bottom with a thud.  It takes me awhile to pick myself up and start to climb out of that pit again.  Most of the time I've convinced myself that I will never reach the top, no matter how hard I fight or how long I keep fighting.  Hell, I'm nearing 50 and I haven't made it yet, so what makes me think I ever can?  I have a pessimistic nature, and I'm sure that goes hand in hand with depression.  I want to shake it off, and anyone with truly deep depression knows that it's not that easy.  I go to bed every night making a mental list of the things I want to accomplish the next day, and in the reality of that tomorrow I might get one or two checked off.  J told me I make it hard on myself by being too ambitious.  Some days I understand he's right.  Some days I worry he really means, I can't keep up with the normal people so don't even have the hope of trying.  I've never been like this at work, I've just always been this way when it comes to "me".  I've always been the superstar employee at every office, but a total slug outside the walls of my employers.  I don't know why that drive, dedication, energy and pursuit of perfection, does not carry over into my personal life.  It's all "me", so why do I seem to have a split personality?

I've told myself repeatedly over the last week, that as soon as my wrist completely heals, things will be better once the pain subsides.  But since 2006, there has been some piece of my body at all times, that is in chronic pain and has required surgery.  As soon as that area gets better, something else on me breaks down.  I feel as though J has not known me to be in any state other than pain.  Sure I was already beginning to struggle with depression and loads of self-esteem issues when we started dating in 2003.  The years we dated before we married, he only saw me on weekends, and I think the euphoria of being in love carried me along whenever I was with him.  During the week, when I was at home alone, the depression, the general aches and pains, the feelings of doubt consumed me.  But come Friday nights and until I left his company on Sunday evenings, I wore my happiest face for him.  And I wasn't faking, it was real overwhelming joy to be at his side.  Once we were married, I couldn't keep that up 24/7 anymore.  Don't get me wrong, I still feel that sappy love for J, that will never change.  I just have a harder time pushing through the rest of the crap.  I can't smile all the time anymore.  And I apologize to him constantly because of it, which I know annoys him but I feel compelled to do it nonetheless.  It's just been hard these past few weeks, watching him have to come home and do some of the housework, because I was in too much pain to do it.  He tells me, that's what he's here for.  I'm like, to load the dishwasher?  He's often talked about getting someone to come in once or twice a week to do the cleaning, but as sweet as his offer is meant to be, it just makes me feel worse about myself.  As in, I can't keep my own friggin' home clean, how pathetic am I?  Sometimes I feel like J's needy kid, not his wife.  And dammit, I'm older than him!

I am hoping to soon put this summer behind me.  The latest pain that's plagued me since January, and the recovery from the surgery.  The way I am still questioning whether or not I should have quit my job in April (and by the way I just found out my replacement already quit, she hated my boss too).  My floundering about without any sense of direction for my daily existence.  It's very unbecoming, to be my age and at this stage of my life, without knowing what I want to do or where I want to go- and end up.  I want to get over the loneliness and anxieties that all the big changes this year have brought into my world.  I am trying to go against my nature and instead be optimistic.  2013 is winding down.  2014 has just got to be better.  I have just got to be better.

Oh man I'm ready for the next snowstorm.  Bring it on.

MISS GEE

Recovering

Today I literally have all day to get this post done, and that's a good thing, because it will probably take that long.  My surgery was two days ago, and even though I'm wearing the brace I can still use my fingers.  Slowly.  It's not as painful as I expected it to be, and hopefully when I get my stitches out next week, I will start to see improvements.  Right now, I just have to be careful.  It's small things, like remembering to set my coffee cup on the left side of the desk so I don't accidentally pick it up with my right hand.  Doctor's orders are one thing, but natural reflexes are hard to hold down.  So right now, I'm just supposed to be taking it easy.  The surgery was on the tendons attached to my thumb, but I'm not to use my right hand at all except for scratching my nose or petting the cats.  I read online that total recovery can take up to six months.  My doctor told me 2-3 months, so I'm putting my faith in him and not the web.  The surgery was the quickest one I've ever had- I got to the surgical center at ten minutes before noon, got called back before I even sat down, and we were leaving for home shortly after 1pm.  I came out of the anesthesia before they even got me back to my room.  And so far, no pain, just a twinge now and then if I bend my hand the wrong way.

So I have all day to blog (both write and read!) because J has to work late tonight.  It happens once in awhile.  Not an hour late, but late late. It's hard watching him walk out the door before sunrise, knowing he won't be home until close to midnight.  When he kissed me goodbye he said, see you tomorrow, because he knows I will probably be in slumberland by the time he gets back home.  But the 400+ employees that he is over, are scattered over several shifts and a dozen departments.  Occasionally he has to stay during the night shift so he can see those guys, and more than that, be seen.  He usually will take dinner with them, and their dinner break is at 10pm.  Next week he will have another late evening, because he has to go meet with another group of his employees who work out of a satellite location.  The week after that, he will be in Philadelphia for three days for corporate meetings.  I'll be missing him a lot in September it seems. But since I'm not doing much around the house right now anyhow, I guess it's as good a time as any for him to take care of work.

We had a nice trip to New Orleans.  I actually hurt my back several days before we left- one of those old age things.  I leaned over to pick up something off the closet floor and wham!  I pulled a muscle or pinched a nerve, because here it is 2 1/2 weeks later and I'm still shuffling around with a backache.  So we didn't walk about NOLA as much as I had hoped.  Enough to see plenty of sights, but not nearly enough.  There's a lot in that city to take in.  I've been going there all my life, and haven't seen half of it.  But yet it's small enough that when you're there, you don't feel swallowed up.  If you've never been it truly is worth at least one visit.  It really is the Big Easy.  Outdoor cafes and shops, museums, a trolley that for $1.25 will take you from one end of the city to the other, a leisurely ride down the great Mississippi on a paddleboat.  Culture and art and music everywhere.  And oh my god the food!  The city can be whatever you want it to be, and no one there looks at you when you walk down the sidewalk as though you don't belong there.  In New Orleans, they want you there with them!  As far as I'm concerned, if you'd never heard of Hurricane Katrina- you would never know it had happened.  The city is as clean and colorful and alive as it ever was.  J had never been pre-Katrina, so he was surprised on our first visit together a few years ago.  I never tire of visiting there.  Even the most dilapidated building oozes charm.

This past weekend, I was a frenzy of activity, getting the house cleaned up from top to bottom, and prepping a few meals in advance.  I had several custom orders to make from my Etsy shop- including one lady who ordered seven pieces of pottery- and still two more to fill as well.  Unfortunately the things I already have listed are still not selling, but as I said before, I know I'm not going to get rich ten bucks at a time, nor do I plan to even try.  I asked the doctor about getting back to my pottery, and he said it would actually be an excellent therapy to help build my hand strength back up.  Hopefully he will give me the go ahead next week at my follow up appointment.  Anyhow, I just wanted to make sure that I had taken care of everything that I could, so that this week I could set any worries aside and just rest.  J is wonderful about helping with the housework- the man was single for over a decade when I met him so he knows how to clean up after himself.  He swears he has forgotten how to do laundry, but I'm sure I could give him a crash course if need be.

Even amid all the housework for me and extensive yardwork for J, we managed to have our typical fun as well.  Saturday morning we had to go run an errand in the next county over (J has a particular place where he buys all his fertilizer and such), so we stopped in at their farmers market.  It was small but bountiful!  I stopped to look at each and every booth and I thought to myself, wow I could almost do all of our grocery shopping right here, and wouldn't it be so much healthier.  The market was full of the things I expected to see like veggies and fruits and herbs.  And I was delighted to see items like bacon, beef, fish, eggs, milk, butter, cheese.  I found breads, pastas, cakes, cookies, salsa, jams, honey, nuts, pet treats, teas, soaps, flowers, wine, beer, even a locally made coffee. Someone was even selling pottery, and there was a colorful little food truck making crepes for breakfast.  We have a ton of farmers markets in the area, I just don't normally go to them, I am always taken in by that buy one get one free ad from the big chain grocery store instead.  And the farmers market in our town is actually pretty small and we've been disappointed the few times we've gone.  But the next town over is a bit more affluent, yet is not too far to drive to get the freshest and healthiest, wholesome ingredients.  And the farmers market there is right next to the organic grocery store, which we sadly do not have in our little town.  I know the frozen diet dinners are low in calories, but am I really doing my body any favors by digesting all those unpronounceable chemicals?  I asked J, what do you think? Can we meet all our needs at the farmers market?  He said he would leave that decision up to me, but wondered what we will do for our condiments like mayo and ketchup.  Okay, so maybe I would still need to run into the store to grab up a few things.  Pardon me as I stole these photos from their wonderful website.

We took in our favorite auction on Saturday night, where I picked up a few new vintage kitchenware items and a spectacular oil painting of a lighthouse in a beautiful frame that I got for $10 because no one else wanted it.  I got two Longaberger baskets, which I've collected since the early 1980's, for $5 each because no one bid against me on those either.  Even the smallest of these baskets, sell for $45 new and the ones I bought were dated 1987.  The latest item that I've been collecting are old washboards with glass inserts, and I was able to snap up another one for $10.  I've seen these selling on Etsy for $40.  J added to his coin collection, and also bought a box of vintage beer steins, he said with intentions of reselling them online.  We are still mulling over how to start up selling all our vintage finds.  Etsy and eBay are bombarded with folks doing the same, and unless we repurpose the items into something fresh and never before seen, I'm not sure online is the route we want to go.  There are plenty of antique stores and shows around here, but again, everyone else is doing the same thing.  I have a friend who I lunched with last week, and she does this as a side business.  She has a booth set up at an antique mall, but she says she pretty much breaks even every month.  To me, that wouldn't be worth the time and energy.  I wouldn't mind doing a show or festival now and again, at least that's something interactive and a great day spent outdoors.  We'll see, J and I are tossing the idea around for 2014.

But for this week, and for the next day or two, I'm just bumming around the homestead.   We've got a baseball game on Saturday night- looks like our team will make the playoffs this year and J is banking on being able to go to the World Series- but for now I've promised to go with him this weekend as the season is winding down.  I was able to make some pottery this morning- just new beads because I don't have to use my wrist or thumb- all I do there is gently roll the clay around in the palm of my hand. But I'm going to keep at it, and eventually I know they will start selling.  I already have the clay, the glaze, the kiln, and the time.  It doesn't cost anything but the nominal listing fee on Etsy.  I do confess that since we returned from our trip, I've been tearing through paperbacks pretty quickly.  I think I've read four since last week, and will probably finish another one today.  I will read just about anything, but I have a strong preference for non-fiction.  History, biographies, true crime.  Truth really is stranger- and vastly more interesting- than fiction.  I "inherited" several boxes of paperbacks from J's grandmother before she passed away, but she read light romances.  She made me promise her I would read them, that I just wouldn't haul them off for trade at the used bookstore.  So they are sitting amid my collection in the basement, and eventually- when I have nothing else to read- I will get around to Granny's Danielle Steel and Debbie Macomber books.  Who can callously go back on a promise made to a dying grandmother!

I've been spending the last few days in my favorite spot, the chair in the corner of our bedroom.  It huddles next to a window overlooking our backyard.  After J brought me home from my surgery, I asked him to please fill all the feeders and put out fresh water for the animals.  Sunflowers and seeds for the birds, corn and peanuts for the squirrels.  I littered the yard with old bread.  Sitting in my chair I can see most of the feeders.  I can see the two scraggly "trees", really just overgrown bushes that J mows around.  It gives the birds someplace quick to dart off to, after they steal a seed or two from the feeder.  Soon it will be cool enough that I can actually open the windows and feel the breezes and become engulfed in the nonstop birdsong.  But even so, with the windows closed, I can hear the unmistakable chatter of the chickadees and the caw caw of the crows.  Yesterday I sat and watched as the big black birds chased away our neighborhood red-tailed hawk.  We have dozens of species of birds in our area, some seasonal, some taking up residence in one of the many birdhouses we have all over our property.  Nothing is as sweet as watching a baby bluebird poke its head out, waiting for mom or dad to return with a snack.  But we also see plenty of deer, raccoons, possums, armadillos, bats, foxes, coyotes, owls, turkeys, rabbits, chipmunks, wood rats and mice.  Not to mention the non-fuzzy fellows in my flower gardens like snakes, giant frogs, skinks, gorgeous bees, turtles, dragonflies, and more types of spiders and butterflies than I can keep count of.  You name it, they are in our little backyard habitat.  We welcome them all.  And it's always an "oh my gosh come and look!" moment for us.

But there's also something magical about that old chair in the corner.  Whenever I sit down in it, whether to read or just watch the suburban nature show for awhile, the cats seem to always find me.  They can be sound asleep upstairs, but let my butt touch that chair cushion and here they come.  All of them.  I've had as many as three at one time in the chair with me.  One behind my head, one in my lap or on the armrest, and one on the ottoman draped over my feet.  There is always a fourth one left to sit on the floor and look up at me, trying to figure out where he can squeeze in too.  I'm not sure I would want to stay home if it weren't for the company of our feline family.  And frankly, I don't trust people who don't have pets.  I don't mean my awful neighbors who keep their two pitbulls on short chains behind their house, I want to kill those people (I'm afraid to complain to the authorities because I worry they would put the dogs down simply because they are pits, but they are friendly pups).  I mean, people who just don't have any kind of affinity for animals- or reptiles- at all.  It's something I don't understand.  I don't think mankind was meant to live separate from the rest of nature.  I'm all for the urban uptown condo bike to the coffee house lifestyle, but there should be at least one fat fluffy cat or yappy terrier in that highrise home.  Even J, when I met him, a big gruff single guy in his 30's managing a warehouse of other men- came home to his sweet kitty every day.  She was all he had, the one who cuddled with him on the couch to watch TV, the one who greeted him at the door after a long rough day.  I can't imagine not having pets, even if it is just a tank full of bright and happy fish.

Is there anything more wonderful in life, than a wagging tail or a soft meow?  I think not.

MISS GEE

New Notebooks

More random thoughts today just for fun, this week I've felt almost like a woman obsessed and I want to keep blogging.  But I don't really have anything deep and dark on my mind worth sharing right now.  Although I haven't mentioned it this week, I hurt my back on Monday, doing some housework.  Normally something like that lasts a day or so, but here it is Friday and I can still barely move.  I've tried everything- heat, drugs, stretching- nothing has helped.  So maybe that's why I've been sitting in front of the computer so much this week.  Yes, I have a laptop, but I never ever use it- I always use the desktop in J's office.  Maybe when the seasons change and I feel the need to be outside more, I'll tote the laptop with me.

I wanted to also post photos of some of my pottery jewelry I have listed on Etsy.  I know if I want to keep the blog anonymous, I can't exactly put a link in here for my shop and my real name, but you know if you happen to stumble across my work, well.....just don't let me know.  Not like I'm revealing anything incriminating on this blog, just private enough that I don't want any of my real world peeps to find it.  Here are a few of my hand-formed beads, some buttons, and a couple of my favorite bracelet pieces.  As I've said before, I don't know how to make jewelry or sew, but I would think most folks out there who DO make jewelry, don't make their own beads and charms and pendants and such.  So I'm hoping to tap into the jewelry-making and sewing crowd.  I see some Etsy shops on there with five to eight thousand sales, all beads and handmade jewelry "supplies" like what I'm doing.  I guess I'm going to have to throw around some cha-ching to advertise and get my listings front and center.  Taken on their own my pieces look nice, but when it's just one little photo on an entire page of similar photos from everyone else, my work doesn't really stand out.  There are a ton of talented artists on Etsy.

We are leaving this afternoon and headed over to New Orleans for the next five days.  Just a very spontaneous extra-long holiday weekend, since the hubby has some time off coming to him.  New Orleans is close enough that we can drive it in one day, but far enough away that we don't get to go over there too often.  I can't wait, there is always so much to see and do there.  I love walkable cities, and New Orleans tops the list.  The last time we went, our car never left the hotel garage the entire time, we never needed it to get around.  I know, you're thinking, damn you just got back from Canada a few weeks ago.  Yep and we still have two or three more trips planned for the rest of this year.  I am fortunate that I have a hubby who loves to do and go and see as much as I do.  But after New Orleans, I'll have to settle in and stay put for awhile, to recover from my surgery.  I think we have a weekend to the mountains planned for late September, but I should be up to traveling by then.

I am looking forward to the big flea market in New Orleans, and especially all the crafts and artists who set up.  Wow, I wish I lived near an area that could support a local artist that way.  We do have a once a month street fair on the square in our downtown, but it's nothing too special.  There are two other potters who set up there, what I call "real" potters because they make bowls and mugs and such, on the wheel.  Something I don't do.  But in New Orleans?  Man that would be awesome!  So I am really hoping my back starts to feel better soon, because we'll probably go to the market and walk around on Sunday.  Right now, I'm not exactly up to it.  J wanted to cancel the trip, I said hell no!!!!

I'm going to take my alone time in New Orleans- that would be at night when J is down in the casino- to figure out how I want to end 2013 and start off 2014.  Yep, it's only August, I realize that.  And I know it probably seems incredibly anal to be worrying about the next year, when summer isn't even over from this year.  But I know that 2013 will be over with a blink of an eye.  New Orleans, then my surgery and recovery.  Then J and I have the trip to the mountains, then a trip back to his hometown.  October my parents will come for a long visit, and hopefully this time my dad won't end up in the hospital on the first day. November we'll be going on a cruise, then a very long road trip for multiple Thanksgiving visits.  My folks always come for another long visit for Christmas.  We have a couple of other mountain weekend trips later in the fall, and J has talked about going to Reno in December but I'm not sure we can squeeze that one in as much as I'd like to go.  So there, most of the rest of 2013 is already planned out and my time is spoken for.

I've already got a nice recycled notebook packed up in my suitcase, and I'll spend the next few evenings ruminating on how I want to take my life to the next level.  2013 has so far been a lot of floundering around in the shallow end, but now I'm ready to take the floaties off and swim forward into the ocean, especially with my art.  It's already too late in the year to try and think about doing fall or winter festivals, I don't have enough pieces made to fill up a table much less a pricey booth.  I haven't yet thought about my art as a real "business", just something fun to do while I'm waiting on the clothes to come out of the dryer.  No one is going to take me seriously or consider me a real business, unless I do first.  Yes, it's great to get a lot of "likes" on my Facebook page, but those are friends and family, and I love them but they don't really count!  And more than that, they aren't buying anything.

I know it sounds cliche, but I get all my great ideas at night while I'm trying to fall asleep.  And I don't keep pen and paper close at hand.  I've actually forgotten things by the next morning, and try as I might, can't come up with the vision by the following day.  I know, that's sad, that's what happens when you get old.  If I don't write notes as soon as I think of something, it's gone from my brain, never to be seen again.

In order to kick this art thing into high gear, I've got a lot to tackle.  Everything from the way my desk and studio are organized, to reordering new business cards with my Etsy link, gathering up a list of all the local street fairs (and there are a ton of them around here), and most of all focusing more of my attention and dedication to it.  I won't get anywhere just spending an hour a day on this, I've got to treat it like a job, a business, a future.  Yes, it's an extremely fun hobby and one I've wanted to pursue for a very long time.  So here I am now, finally with the time to do it right, and I'd rather not fail at this stage in my life.  This is something I can keep on doing well into my senior years.  J said if I go back to work, it has to be something I want to do and something that will be fun and that I will love.  I think all those key points fit my art.

Well off to the Big Easy, and as much as I'm looking forward to all the sights and sounds (and food!!!!), most of all I'm going to enjoy the time spent with the hubby.  And as always, I will just soak in stepping outside of my life for a moment or two.  Because when we get back, I will only have six days to get my house and my life in order before my surgery, and I'll be down and out for a long time after that.  But I'll post next week before my right hand gets stuck in a cast.

Have a safe and happy holiday weekend!

MISS GEE

No Place Like It

Wow I am struggling today.  I can always tell as soon as the alarm goes off in the morning, what the entire rest of my day will be like.  I have mornings where I hop right out of bed.  I have mornings where I get up, begrudgingly.  And I have mornings like today where I can barely wake up, and J says just stay in bed for awhile honey.  But I never do.  I am afraid if I continued to lay there, 6am would suddenly turn into noon very quickly.  No one would care but me, J won't be home until 7:30pm at the earliest.  I could go back to bed every morning and frankly, J would never know the difference.  I could nap every day and not a soul would realize it.  But I don't.  Some days a migraine will be bad enough that I have to just stretch out on the couch in the basement for a short while, and submit to the darkness and the hum of the fan blowing on me.  But today it was more mental than physical.  It was just one of those mornings where I closed my eyes and listened to J in the shower, thinking to myself, why do I bother?

I go through it more often on Mondays than any other day.  I think Mondays are just emotionally a letdown. I've had uninterrupted time spent with my husband, and Monday morning is the first time I have to face the empty and quiet house.  I simply do not know how much longer I can stay at home.  I don't mean because of finances, or that I will "have" to go back to work.  I mean, I don't know how many more weeks or months I can remain sane being alone in the house day after day after day.  I know I'm not a voracious social butterfly, but lately NO socialization has been getting me down.  Or maybe it's just that I rarely leave the house except for the errands in town I mentioned in my previous post.  I don't know what it is.  It's been four months now since I left my job, and my only accomplishments have been losing 30 pounds (many more to go), keeping the house relatively cleaner than when I worked full time, and getting my pottery listed- but not selling- online.  That's pretty much it.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm complaining about, there's a lot of folks out there who wish they didn't have to work at shitty jobs, dealing with assholes, for little money.  I'm sure the person who took the job I vacated is thankful for my decision to leave it.  Lots of people would love to be in my situation, and so for right now, I'm going to assume my attitude today is just a momentary UFO (Unintended Freak Out) on my radar.  I'm not certain what I expected to do in just 1/3 of a year, and all of it under the cloud of crappy health.  I really have no obstacles in my way, to do anything I want to do.  J said I could take college courses if I want to- we have a small college campus here and I only have an obsolete AS degree from 25 years ago.  He said I can sign up for art classes or a pottery workshop. He tells me to go to the farmers markets, the coffee shops, the hiking trails, the craft supply stores, to join the gym.  He tells me to finish my almost-completed novel.  He said I can go do anything I want to do.  The things he said I can't do- sit around the house and mope and get depressed and do "nothing".  I feel like I'm spending at least half my day every day in that mode.  And I feel like many of my posts here are just repetition about me spinning my wheels, along with a mighty dose of self-pity.  Blah.

My current daily routine is still getting up at the same time I always did, 5:30am.  I get J ready to go off to work- make him coffee, breakfast, pack him up a bottle of tea and some snacks, sometimes even leftovers for lunch.  I sit and have my coffee, skim through the newspaper after he leaves at 6:30.  The rest of the day is a mixed bouquet of light chores around the house or yardwork when I'm up to it, fighting off spiderwebs while I'm on the treadmill down in the basement, spending a little time throughout the day online, working upstairs in my art studio.  And every once in awhile relaxing in my favorite space in the entire house- the big chair in the corner of our bedroom, where I sit to read my 50-cent used paperbacks and usually with a cat in my lap.

The TV stays off- I may turn it on really late in the day just as background noise while I'm in the kitchen, but I never sit down and watch it.  I don't even have a radio on or my iPod playing.  Come autumn, I will be able to open all the windows in the house- and trust me I always do- so the house will be filled with birdsong.  Right now it's simply quiet.   But I like peace and quiet these days, I left a job that was so noisy I couldn't hear myself think most of the time.  In the afternoons, around four or five, I start to get dinner ready.  J always calls me when he leaves work, which is normally near or after 7pm- and I know I have precisely 25 minutes before he gets home, so I can put whatever in the oven or heat up something on the stove. Since I have the extra prep time now, I'm actually starting to become a (slightly) better cook.  I recently made a sweet potato pie from scratch for the first time, and he swears it was the best he's ever had.

That is pretty much how my every day goes, except for the one or two afternoons where I go into town.  So you can see I have a very easy, very stress-free life these days.  I have about 13 completely open hours every day to do exactly what I want to do.  I'm surprised at how busy I stay, and even more surprised at how quickly the hours fly by.  Yet at the end of each day I think, what did I do with myself today?  And instead I always seem to focus on what I didn't do or what I meant to do.  J would say I'm not being fair to myself, and I'm not giving myself enough credit.  But sometimes I worry if he comes home and also wonders what I did all day long, and do his eyes land on the rugs I didn't vacuum or the bathroom counters I didn't wipe down, instead of noticing the two loads of laundry I did.  I confess with embarrassment that sometimes, sitting at the dinner table, I actually feel compelled to tell him I cleaned the litter boxes or washed all the towels, like a kindergartner vying for his favorite teacher's attention and approval.  See, looky what I did today!

I understand I can't clean every single surface in this house, every single day.  And hell, I don't want to, that's not why we decided that I would quit my job.  J is more than patient with my physical limitations, and I think for the most part he's still very happy with me being at home.  I also think it's a little bit of an ego trip for him, that he makes a good enough living that his wife doesn't have to work outside the home.  But I think he's less aware of my true mental limitations, he thinks I just get "blue" sometimes.  His response to my depression is for me to shake it off, to go outside for a walk, to busy myself with organizing the basement, to take more supplements from the health food store.  They are, of course, all good suggestions but not really the right answers.

I love him, and I love that he loves me so much.  But he's a strong man who always pushes through whatever is going on in his life because he feels he has to, be it at work or his health or personal relationships.  He's rarely down, he never loses his focus, and he's always tough.  So while he's always patient and tender with me, I sometimes think he doesn't understand the real depths of my torments and doubts.  And because he's so strong, I sometimes think his strength feeds my weakness- I know no matter what, it will all be okay because he's there to prop me up when I start to tilt dangerously to one side.  I know I don't have to fight so hard because J is there to do my fighting for me.  I know I don't have to find more energy, because he is there to pick up my slack.  He likes to tell me with a smile I am very spoiled, but he knows he's the one doing all the spoiling.  If I'm a princess, it's because he sees me that way.

I'm not sure what all this has to do with me staying at home, as always I seem to have gotten off track with my train of thought.  And my posts keep getting way too long.  And look, I started this Monday morning but didn't finish it until Tuesday afternoon.....  Wow, aren't you all tired of reading me yet??

MISS GEE

(Me on a happier day- but not at home)