Not Sure Why

I am not sure why the depression has hit me so dang hard lately.  I thought I was getting better.  I was starting to have very productive days, pain free, bright, happy.  I am tired of blaming my depression on external factors like the weather or time without my husband or backaches or just being stuck at home all day every day. None of that should matter.  My life is whatever I make of it, and I've been making mud pies apparently.

I know I always seem to put J on a pedestal as the perfect husband, and in almost every way he is.  He is patient and understanding, kind, funny, warm, romantic, thoughtful, tender.  He is strong for me when I need him to be, and goofy when the moment calls for it.  Before he leaves for work, he has to hug and kiss me every morning.  When he gets home in the evenings, the first thing he wants is another long hug and kiss.  It's wonderful and amazing to have someone in my life that feels that way about me.  I don't even feel that way about me.

But I'm not sure J understands how deep my depression runs, and if he did, I'm not sure he would be able to help.  Oh, he tells me all the time if I feel like I need to talk to a therapist, please go.  If I think yoga or a massage will help, he's all for that.  Or he gently suggests I go to my family doctor and talk to her about it, to see if she thinks I need medication.  He said he approves of anything I want to do, to improve my life.  J's mother and older sister both suffer from very deep depression, so he's familiar with it.  But I don't think he truly understands.  And I don't think I can make him understand.  Even if he did really understand it, I'm not sure if that would change what I'm feeling, what I'm going through. J's response is always for me to shake it off.  He doesn't say this flippantly, he truly believes that I'm in control of my depression, and I am the key to making it better- or worse.  His sister has improved her depression through natural remedies and herbal teas and exercise.  His mother has relied on prescription medications.  And me?  I'm not doing much of anything but trying to ride out this latest wave of dismal days.  It's not working out very well.

Lately I don't want to do anything, I don't want to be anywhere, I don't want to even think about stuff.  I want to escape.  Not permanently, just escape my thoughts, my body.  I have been reading nonstop every day for the last few weeks.  I am reading an entire paperback in one day.  I know it's just to keep from dealing with the world around me.  I don't tell J that I've just been sitting in my chair in the corner of the bedroom every day, looking out into the yard, all the cats sleeping around me, wrapped up in a sweater with a book in my hand.  I don't even turn the lamps on, I just read by whatever light comes through the window, and some days it is dark and gray and I don't care.  Some days I don't even walk outside the house, except to go to the mailbox, that's it. I think my husband would be disturbed to know these things, but right now I don't have the energy or desire to do anything else.  So every day I do just enough housework, so that when he comes home at night, he can see that I did something during the day.  I feel like I'm a big fraud, that I'm living a secret life.  And J and I don't keep secrets, at least we're not suppose to.

Some days he will leave me with a small task to complete, a favor as he calls it.  Can I write a check for the termite inspection and get it mailed?  Can I hang this framed photo for him in his home office?  Will I go to the pharmacy and pick up his prescriptions?  He always asks politely, considerately, he always says please.  That's how we talk to each other, why we get along so well- respect for one another even during the most simple of conversations. We don't yell, we don't demand, we don't demean, we don't insult.  My ex would have said, get off your fat lazy ass and wash my clothes!  J says, honey if you don't mind today would you go to Lowe's and pick up some new light bulbs?  Of course, yes, absolutely my love.

I always make certain I do these little things for him.  First of all, I love him, and how could I ever refuse him anything when he gives so much to me?  Secondly, what would be my excuse, after staying home all day long, that I couldn't find the time to put a check out in the mailbox?  It sounds ridiculous to even say it. But there are days when I think to myself, I don't even feel like doing that.  Then I become filled with shame and loathing for myself.  What kind of wife am I, to dismiss one little small favor asked of me by my amazing husband, just because I don't feel like it?  I'm sure J doesn't "feel" like going off to work every morning for 12-13 hours a day at a place he has come to hate, but does it because he's a responsible adult and head of household, and does it to take care of me, of us.  My self-pity is ridiculous, there is no reason for it at all.

The only thing J ever truly asks of me, is to please please just be happy and enjoy my life.  Really, that is ALL he wants me to concentrate on.  Why can't I do that?  Why can't that be just a simple thing?  I'm not sure why, but I need to find out the answer.

MISS GEE

Winter Blues

Normally winter is my favorite time of the year.  In the Deep South, it's so brief and mild, and I always look forward to the crisp cold air and the bright blue skies.  This year not so much, and I'm ready for it to be over with.  We here in the Peach State, have been dumped on twice in the last three weeks.  The first storm to roll through the last week of January is the one that made the major news networks top stories- how the entire city and interstate system shut completely down due to the snow that hit in the middle of a weekday morning.  The problem?  Some of the biggest school systems, knowing that the snow would start before lunch, went ahead and opened as usual- then all of a sudden thousands and thousands of parents were all on the road at the same time that morning, trying to pick up their children when the schools said, oops come back and get your kids now.  Utter madness, chaos.  The snow fell hard, and wreck after wreck shut the roads down to the point where people simply slept in their cars overnight, right there in the fast lane on the interstate, or walked away abandoning their vehicles.  Kids were never picked up, and slept overnight at their schools.  People slept on the floor of whatever store they got stuck in- Home Depot, Kroger. Traffic was literally a parking lot for miles and miles and miles.  So many people never made it home for a day or two, while others spent 15 hours on the road just to drive 20 miles at a crawl.  They called it Snowmageddon in the local news, although that wasn't an original thought.  As for my little town just south of the mighty metropolis, our school board had brains and said, if the snow is supposed to start at 10am- no point in having school that day.  So everyone stayed at home in our county.

Then last week it came through again, the snow and ice.  This time, people were prepared to stay home, and the schools were cancelled the day before the snow even started to fall.  So everyone was home, the highways were empty, grocery stores were decimated of all staples.  Everyone expected to be safe and snug and warm in their living rooms for a few days.  Only this time, the ice and sleet came first, the snow a day later.  Trees already heavy with an inch thick blanket of ice crashed everywhere, shedding limbs on power lines, blocking roads, caving in houses and buildings and cars.  Hundreds of thousands were suddenly without power, and some for several days.  My power went off and on in brief spurts, but I was never without it for too long, and my gas fireplace kept right on crackling out its glowing heat.  My gas stove cooked my eggs for breakfast, and my gas water heater let me take a hot shower in the morning.  The sky was bright once the snow stopped falling, and I didn't even miss the light from my lamps- I sat near a sunny window and read.  A real paperback book, not a digital one that required electricity to charge its battery.  At our house we lost many branches, and also one of our favorite trees, under the crushing weight of the ice.  The loss of the tree left me unusually morose- this is one of two trees outside our bedroom window where the birds visit our yard to serenade us with their songs.  It was painful to look out there and see it gone now. This weekend was all about cleanup for us.  We now have plenty of wood for our little outdoor firepit.  After working hard at his job, J had to spend his down time working hard at home.

The hardest part about the winter storms for me personally was hunkering down without J.  Our company does not, repeat, does NOT close due to inclement weather and they have a strict policy about that.  I never missed a snow day in the 11 years I worked there, and J has never missed one either.  Our company provides food and supplies to customers that include the airports, hospitals, hotels, military, nursing homes, colleges, local government offices, and "storm services" (utility worker camps, Red Cross, etc.).  People were there at those places, stuck.  We can't shut down because they can't shut down, and they need us to be there for them.  And we always are.  So for both storms, we knew what was coming and we prepared well in advance, and we packed J a suitcase and made hotel reservations for him just a few blocks from the office.  He was gone three days for the first storm, and four days for the one last week.  He can't take the risk of coming home- 25 miles away- and then not being able to get back to the warehouse the next day.  So as he has done in the past, he bunked down as close to the office as possible.  And when most of the hourly employees simply called out due to road conditions or power outages, J and his management staff were already there, sleeves rolled up, doing the sweaty rough labor that he used to do almost 17 years ago when he started with the company as a much younger man.  With a skeleton crew of mostly supervisors and executives, the work and service continued as usual.  J never takes the easy way out, he always does what is right.  That's one of the many things I deeply love about my husband.

The low parts were always the evenings without J here.  I'm used to rambling around the house and yard without him during the days, but I can always count on him being at home every night at least by 8PM for our late dinners together.  To retire into the bedroom alone to sit and read, or watch mindless TV, started to wear on me.  But it was temporary, and I knew it, and I had emails and phone calls in daylight hours to reassure me that even though he wasn't home during the storms, he was off the roads and safe, and as comfortable as he could be, stuck at work with no respite.  Since lately I have nowhere to be- ever- I wasn't even faced with the decision to venture out on the icy streets.  I just stayed put and watched everyone else's adventures on the local news.  I was totally alone. Even the mail carrier didn't make it out our way for days on end, and forget about newspaper delivery.  When the roads ice up, they are impassable, even with 4-wheel drive.  People up north may laugh at us because we can't drive in this weather down here, but driving on slushy snow that gives at least a bit of traction, is different than trying to drive on a total sheet of slick frozen solid ice that resists melting even when the temps finally warm up.  Think about walking across soft snow as opposed to trying to walk across an icy parking lot.  Same thing with driving.  Walk on ice, you slip and fall and bust your ass.  Driving on ice, your wheels simply spin uselessly and steering becomes nonexistent- your big SUV is going to slide whichever way no matter what you do.

We've been known to get snow in this area even in late March, so I can't say that it's over for this winter.  But for the first time in a long time, I am saying I hope I don't see anymore of the white stuff for awhile.  When it hits on Friday afternoons, and J can rest and relax at home with me, it's different.  But both these storms hit on Tuesdays, and kept him away and exhausted for the week, and left me sadder than normal.  And sadder than normal for someone who suffers from depression on even the sunniest, warmest spring day, is truly sad.  The heartache kind of sad that physically hurts.  And it made me even more resentful to get on Facebook and see my old coworkers posting from their cozy homes, saying how they were "working" from home on their laptops and watching their kids play, knowing that my husband has a job that can NOT be done from the comfort of his living room couch and can only be accomplished by physical labor at the actual work site.  All the while those at-home-workers were sending in email after email, order after order, that just kept my husband and his team at work for longer and longer hours, back hurting, muscles aching, feet numb.  Who the hell did they think was handling all their requests, so casually sent while they sat in their easy chairs with their feet propped up on the coffee table and sipping cocoa?

In between the two storms, we celebrated his birthday then our wedding anniversary as best as we could, which wasn't much at all since we were both at that point very tired and grumpy.  And I had a minor fall during the first storm that resulted in a broken foot and toes, so I've been hobbling around the house as much as I can.  Then J got troubling news at work last week that upset him enough that he has picked an absolute departure date for himself- not anytime soon but he put it on the calendar as a goal nonetheless.  He is bitter, he was so unhinged he didn't speak to me for almost 24 hours over the weekend, and he couldn't find the words to tell me what was wrong with him.  I thought it was me, but it was work.  Always work.  He is coming to a realization, one I saw long ago- that for our company, politics and gamesmanship are more important than hard work and dedication. But for the short term we are counting down the days- 18 now- until we leave for a week long sunny beach vacation that is far enough south that no snow will reach us. For right now, the rolling blue waves and sandy shores will have to be enough.  But those happy moments together away from the realities of work and home, are all too brief.  

I have this oppressive weight in my chest, it feels like it would release if only I could have a good solid cry, but no tears have come lately. And I feel like a really bad cliche. A heavy sigh escapes me at odd moments, and J will ask me what's wrong, and I'll respond with "nothing" or "I don't know".  And I don't know.  It has to be something other than the winter weather, but whatever it is I can't seem to shake it right now.  I'll post again soon.

A BLUE MISS GEE

Comfy Cozy Content

J zipped out of the house this morning at 6:30, for an early meeting at work, then a flight with his boss to go visit another division out of state.  Nothing exciting, just to look at new equipment our warehouse is getting this year, to watch how it works, etc.  J wasn't thrilled, he is incredibly busy this week, and to keep him out of the office for two days means he will probably have to work from home all weekend to get caught up.  He may be an upper level manager, but he still has reports and deadlines and projects.  He's been grumpy all week because of this trip, and he'll be back very late tomorrow night.  It's cold here this morning, down in the teens, the kind of cold that penetrates the windows and even though the heat is running, I'm still wearing a sweater inside.  All four of the cats are huddled around the fireplace, waiting for the sun to come up- and through the windows- so they can stretch out on the floor and get warm.  We only had enough creamer in the house this morning for one cup of coffee, and I let J have it.  I braved the cold temps and headed out to the store not long after he left, because me without java is like me without oxygen.  I won't survive for long.  And me having coffee without creamer is like, well, just gross.

I had the conversation again this past weekend with J, about me not working.  He is still standing firm about me staying at home.  I think he likes me being at home more than I do, and as long as he feels that way I'm okay with it.  He said if I get to the point where I'm just utterly miserable at home, then we'll talk. He's still concerned about me socializing, which is very low on my list of priorities.  Frankly, even most people out there in the world communicate primarily by emails and texts these days.  So I don't believe that staying at home is quite as isolating as it used to be.  I know he would go nuts, but he doesn't have many solo hobbies, and he doesn't even like to read.  I do still go see my physical therapist, although not quite as often, and she and I have become friends over the years.  I talk to my girlfriend back home on the phone, although those are very one-sided conversations.  Her crying and whining and me sighing heavily while I listen.  I don't enjoy talking to her at all, but I do it out of loyalty and love.  And I do still have my group support meetings every Friday morning, where I spend an hour with the same folks each week.  But J feels as though that's not enough.  He has been strongly encouraging me to go start the yoga classes at the studio I've been eyeing, and to start classes at one of the craft stores (our little town has a Michael's, Jo-Ann's, and Hobby Lobby!) in the evenings or weekends.  I'm up for all of that, I just haven't gotten to that place yet where I'm ready to commit.  I know, that sounds silly, it's not like I don't have the time.  Right now, I just don't have the energy.  I'm still working on it- the more my depression eases, the more I'm excited to go back to doing yoga or to learn a new craft.

Both of our health issues are getting better, and J believes it is 100% because of my being at home.  He said he's afraid that if I go back to work, all of our progress will start to backslide.  J is at the lowest weight he's ever been at since I've known him, and although he's still going out to lunch with the guys at work, every morning I get up and fix him a healthy breakfast, and every night when he gets home I have a healthy dinner waiting on him.  That never happened when I was working out of the house.  With the cold weather, J has been craving soup for dinner almost every night and I've been trying out new recipes.  We both know that the tendency to gain weight is high in the winter, with yummy casseroles and hefty roasts the norm, so we've made a conscious decision to eat lighter instead.  Roasted veggies, soups, and yes even salads.  We still go out to eat on the weekends, but not every weeknight like we were doing when I was trudging out of the office at 7pm.  I'm still working on my own battles, but the number on the scale is steadily going down.  I know it also gives him peace of mind that I can increasingly do more of the household chores that always fell on his shoulders in the past.  The other day he told me how much he enjoyed having the bed made every day now.  Before, I ran out of the house so fast in the mornings that at night when we were exhausted, we fell into a mess of tangled sheets and blanket.  It's amazing how something so simple, could please him so much.  And I'm thankful they are things I can continue to give him, give us.

We did talk about downsizing our vacations and trips this year, and J said he plans to stay out of the casinos.  All of that was okay, back when we had my paycheck as our disposable income to play with.  We haven't been to any auctions or estate sales lately, simply because we got bored with them, we used to go two and three times a month and spend way too much.  The last few weekends, J has been extremely content to stay at home and work in the garage and basement.  Even though we still have a lot of winter left, he's cleaning up the garage now.  He has decided to take a stab at learning some woodworking skills on his own, and on a recent trip to see his folks, his dad loaded up the back of our truck with cedar from trees he cut down.  J has a garage filled with tools that he never uses, so for 2014 his promise to himself was to start staying at home on the weekends, and be happy about it.  I don't think we need to be on a lake or a boat or in a casino in order for him to relax and detoxify his soul.  In the past, after a long week of stress at work, J always wanted to escape and we almost always went out of town every weekend.  He vowed to himself to slow down and start enjoying his home, his yard, his real life.  I hope he does, life is too short, and we both have to learn to love the one we are living right now.  If I can help him with it, that makes me extremely happy.

MISS GEE

My Little Black Book

I am a list maker.  I have been all of my life.  I write lists almost obsessively.  I write everything and anything.  Every morning I sit at the breakfast table and make out my to-do list for the day, and hope that this is the day I'll get the items all crossed off (unlikely, I'm a bit too ambitious when that first cup of coffee hits me).  I even get excited to start a new grocery list each week.  Seriously.  But I'm notorious for not finishing whatever I do start writing, like journals.  Or blogs.  Or the great American novel.  :(  So I decided I would not take on that ancient tradition of starting a new diary on January 1st.  Nor did I make my proclamation of resolutions.

Maybe it's my age, but I don't really do the New Year's resolution thing anymore.  I have goals in mind for myself, but they're a little more specific than "lose weight" or "save money".  And normally they are goals I've been working on for awhile and just need to continue chasing down.  This week I was cleaning up some things in the basement and J asked if I could find a small notebook he could use, and when I brought one up for him I flipped open into the middle of it and found a list of personal goals I had written in 2000!  It was three pages long!  Yes, really.  Normally I would be uptight about sharing something like that, but I decided that if 2014 was going to be the year I loosened up and let go and opened myself up to all life has to throw at me- this would be a good test.  So instead of hiding it in embarrassment I gave it to J, and he proceeded to read out the entire list.  We laughed about a lot of the items, because they are still things I'm struggling with now.  Some of them, I couldn't remember writing down because they were issues I overcame a long time ago.  Even J said about some of the worst ones, hey you don't do this.  I said, this list is from before we met, I was a very different person back then.

At the office I used to have lists posted everywhere.  Sticky notes on my computer, handwritten lists on my whiteboard, electronic reminders that popped up on my email first thing every morning.  Even with my morning to-do list here at home, it hasn't been enough for me, because they get crumpled up and thrown out every evening.  The next day I'm fumbling around saying, uhm, what did I do yesterday?  So instead of a new journal this year, I went to the office supply store and bought one of those appointment books, a big one that has one entire page per day and broken down into every quarter hour.  And I've been writing everything down.  Everything.  Even if it's just taking out the garbage or unloading the dishwasher.  Even if it's recycling old magazines or gathering up clothes for the next Goodwill run. Everything.  At the end of the day, I can look back and say, wow, I am accomplishing things.  It seems like a stupid little undertaking, but filling out every small detail from my day into that appointment book, has made a world of difference to me so far.  And I'm being honest in it.  If I sat reading for an hour or soaked in a hot bath for awhile, I write that down too.

My depression seemed to deepen at the end of 2013 because I had a lot of days- and weeks- where I felt like I was drifting, just simply existing.  At the end of the day I couldn't put my finger on where my hours had gone.  I know healing from my surgery seemed to compound it, because I had days where I did not do a single damn thing with my wrist in the cast.  Even now I have to be careful.  Last week I picked up a grocery sack and felt a sharp pop, and the surgery site swelled up and I was in miserable pain for several days.  I won't be completely, 100%, perfectly healed for a long time to come.  But I can still function.  And I've been trying my best to make the most out of my days.

I continue to get up with J every morning at 6am.  We go to bed about 10pm, sometimes a bit later.  I can't seem to convince anyone that I don't take naps, at all.  I think perhaps twice I've slept during the day, when I was sick.  That's it.  Only my mom believes me when I say I don't nap or sleep in.  I told her it's very important to me to not only stay on the same schedule as J, so I'll go to bed when he does.  But also to continue to stay on a normal schedule so that when/if I do go back to work, it won't be such a shock to my body.  Most days I don't leave the house, but now that I'm writing down the minutiae of my day, I can see that even as a homebody, I too have relevant tasks and projects and chores.  If I settled into my easy chair in the corner of our bedroom with a cat in my lap and read for 12 straight hours a day, no one is here to tell on me.  But that's not what I want out of life.

The appointment book has made me realize that I do have worth, that I do add value to this little family unit of ours, and that I'm not just wasting my time by staying at home.  I can make a to-do list every day and stick to it.  I can create goals and work on them.  I can make a difference.  I'm going to go as far as saying writing in the book has even boosted my self-esteem just a little bit.  It feels good every night to look at the page and see it's complete.  My day was complete. It gives me hope that maybe my life will be complete.  Thanks DayMinder 2014!

MISS GEE

Kicking Off A New Year

One promise I've made to myself, I won't spend two and three days composing giant convoluted posts anymore.  Even I get tired when I'm writing them, so no wonder no one is reading them.  I'd rather post more often, even if they are shorter missives.

Things started to look up for me after my last post.  My depression has lifted somewhat, though certainly not all the way.  But I feel more optimistic lately. Much more than I have in a long time.  It's amazing how just a few key moments in the span of just a few weeks, can change the path you've been headed down.  Maybe I've just had time lately to think on things.  Like the rest of the country I've been hibernating this week.  Yes, even in the Deep South we are not immune.  We hit single digit temperatures this week.  And my sales on Etsy for some reason just exploded, and it's given me a renewed sense of passion and dedication to my art and pottery.  People are discovering me and more than that, they like me!

In mid-December we visited our old town and old friends for a few days, and I realized that part of what's kept me down in the dumps here is an unfounded sense of nostalgia that things were better back there.  And although I miss seeing my best girlfriend on a daily basis, I came to the understanding that our old town is pretty much like our new town.  It doesn't offer anything that I can't get here, now.  True, I've held on to the memories of the days when J and I were dating, all the fun places we would go, our routines, our favorite restaurants (some of which we found were sadly now closed!).  But we have all that here, now.  J and I have been together for 10 years.  We've already spent 5 of those years here in our new town.  I came to the decision that whatever it was I've been longing for, in the past, is not worth it.  And I'm not sure it even exists anymore.  It's not worth making myself miserable over, anyhow.  It's not worth pining away for.  I have J here, now.  That's the most important part of all those memories and feelings.  I came back home feeling somewhat enlightened and told J, you know, after that visit I just don't "miss" our old life that much now.  I think that made him happy.

The holidays were all about family, and because I'm not currently working my parents were able to come and stay with us for an extended visit.  I shocked myself at how patient I was with my super-judgmental mother.  I shocked myself at how domestic I was, cooking all my husband's favorite dishes for my father. Normally when my parents come to visit, my mother takes over the house- and the cooking- and I just shut down.  This time I commanded control over my own kitchen, even on Christmas day.  My parents noticed, and it seemed as though they both had a new respect for me.  I'm 47.  I'm not sure why it took them this long to come to the conclusion that I'm competent and I'm a wife and I take care of my home and my husband.  It all came together and commingled into a pleasant visit.  Maybe it was partly my own change of attitude.  Instead of being miserable and wishing it was time for them to leave, I chose to enjoy the time we all spent with each other.  I stepped up, instead of just falling back.

J took me away for my birthday weekend after Christmas was over.  He does it every year, and each time he tries his best to surprise me but I always figure it out in advance.  I do my best to gush over the packet of tickets and hotel reservations and dining choices.  It's always the favorite weekend of the year for me, and it amazes me that my husband listens to me when I chatter away throughout the year, and it makes me appreciate him even more.  He keeps careful track of places I mention, events that are coming to town, and he always plans a magical weekend for me, for us.  It's the perfect way to close out the old year.  This year the rain dampened some of the plans but there were no regrets and no disappointments.  And again, I realized that whenever I'm with J, the details don't seem to matter as much.  We rang in the New Year with his family, and even though it was only just one day, I realized that being with them is about joy and warmth.  I didn't even think about anything else.  I felt as though I opened myself up to it more this visit than I have in the past.

Not everything that phased 2013 into 2014 was wonderful.  J's company was bought out by a competitor and we are unsure of what the near future holds for us and his job- we are just waiting and trying not to worry.  One dear friend back home is staring down a prison sentence, and I can only hope that her situation has a happy ending, and be supportive of her daily messages to me. Another friend here passed away just this week, from a very common illness but because she didn't take care of her every day health, she has died.  She was not much older than I am, and leaves behind a completely disabled, dependent husband.

Sometimes those sad moments make you look at yourself in the mirror and think, that could be me.  And it will be me unless I do something now to make certain I don't follow in those same footsteps.  Lately I've been reevaluating what truly makes me smile, and what makes me discontent.  And for each answer I have to ask, why?  I've been finding that when I choose to be happier and open and accepting, I have a lot more energy and a lot less of the aches and pains.  So I'm going to do my damnedest to embrace the positive, and to push back all the shadows.  I'm stepping into the light for 2014- and beyond!  I deserve it!

MISS GEE

Closing Out 2013

Probably my last post for 2013.  My year is ending on a downer, it is spiraling and I can't seem to slow the ride.  Not in a horrible way, just my depression eating away at me a little more than normal.  I feel better, but I don't feel "right".  Not as right as I want to feel.  It's just everything I suppose- the weather, the season, staying at home, family, friends, this town.  Everything.  I'm amazed at how easily I get overwhelmed, by nothing.

I came across an old journal the other day, one from about two years ago.  I found so many entries about hate and anger, even a few written on my worst days. There were entries detailing how I looked online about committing suicide with Tylenol PM.  There were entries about wanting to drive my car off a bridge the next time I went out.  Too many entries about how much I hated myself.

I haven't had days that bad lately, but I am feeling the walls of the pit caving in on me.  I haven't found the will or energy to climb up out of it these last few weeks.  The tears come for no reason, at the most unexpected moments of the day, and my heart hurts.  I'm looking forward to a few positive changes coming at me, to kick off 2014.  I have plans.  I will make them work out.  I will make my life work out.

2013 wasn't a bad year, things have improved.  Just not as fast or as much as I had hoped.  I am impatient.  J is my rock and my light, as always, but he can only do so much to fix me internally.

I'll be back soon.  Just no words for right now.  There's a happy ending out there for me somewhere.  I'm still searching.

Whichever holiday you celebrate, I hope you have a wonderful one.  I will do my best to do the same.

Love- MISS GEE

Sigh

I haven't much felt like blogging lately.  I haven't much felt like doing anything lately.  I'm not sure why.  My brain and body have shut down recently, at a time when I need them the most.  I have started SO many posts over the last few weeks, and set them all aside.  I can't seem to finish a single one.  I can't remember what I wanted to say, or my interest quickly wanes, or I just don't want to think about the subject anymore.  I've been writing serious posts, about family relationships and the ex-husband.  I'll finish them one day.

We are hitting the busy part of the year, when I will only have tiny spots of time to myself here and there.  We were on vacation last week, the last big one for a very long time.  As soon as we got back this week, I've been in a frenzy because we have company coming in just a day or two.  As soon as they leave, then we get on the road for Thanksgiving, where we have to split our time between J's family and mine.  Then the same Sunday we get back after that holiday, we literally have more company coming to stay for a few days.  In December, we will have the weekend of the 7th home alone, and that is it.  We then head off for a five day visit back to our old hometown.  Then we have company at Christmas for several days.  New Years we also go off, since that is my birthday weekend. January we know we have at least one trip back to the mountains to visit J's family.  February is already full of plans as we celebrate both our wedding anniversary and then J's birthday.

My best friend once told me, our schedule makes her dizzy.  And she raised two sons!  She said we never stay home and when we are home we are busy with company visiting or big projects around the house, she said she wouldn't be able to stand that.  I told her I didn't think we were that busy, but I guess maybe we are.  I don't know what she does on the weekends, I know some people just like to sit around and do nothing and relax.  J isn't that way, if he stops to sit on the couch for five minutes, he falls asleep so he's always up and doing something.  I try to keep up, but J's energy surpasses mine by a mile.  We had a hard freeze at home while we were away on vacation, we came back to a completely brown yard and most of the plants dead, and all of the trees barren of leaves.  I know I should be out doing yard work, but every day I find some excuse not to get out there.  And it's not like I'm doing anything in the house that takes up all my time.

My days have been slipping through my fingers lately, and I have nothing to show for it.  I am not sitting around or watching TV, so I'm not sure how it goes from 7am to 2pm in the blink of an eye.  I know sometimes I snuggle in and read too much, but if I have to have a vice, getting absorbed in 19th century literature is not a bad thing to be addicted to.  J is busy at work this week.  His department had a big project that his boss was supposed to handle while we were gone on vacation, and of course the boss mysteriously disappeared from the office for three days last week.  So, nothing got done. J left the house this morning and said, don't make dinner tonight for him, it will be 8pm or later before he gets back.  He has until Monday to get it all done, and it requires him traveling to all the offsite locations to meet face to face with supervisors and employees about some new- very very serious- corporate policies.  There are eight of these locations, and he now has only four days to visit them all.  Some of the locations are more than a two hour drive, one way.

I haven't worked on my pottery in a long time.  I've only made 8 sales on Etsy, so it hasn't exactly inspired me to lock myself away in my studio.  I should be working on it nonetheless.  I have a friend I promised to make two dishes for, to give as Christmas gifts, and I haven't even started them yet.  She has to have them by December 15th.  My studio is a mess.  J built wonderful storage cabinets for me, but the problem is I have so many jars of glazes and rubber stamps and whatnot, I have to dig out anything I want to use.  My work table (and the surrounding floor) end up littered with tons of junk, because I'm so lazy I don't put it all back when I'm done with it.  My goal is to get it cleaned and organized this week before our company comes, yet at the same time I know I have to get in there and work on making new items.  It's no one's fault but my own.  I'm not complaining, just trying to figure out why I am the way that I am.  Perhaps I should just give up the battle in this one area of the house- I can't seem to merge "creative" and "organized" together in one workspace.  The devil on my shoulder is saying just keep the door closed.  It's the bonus room upstairs, no one ever goes up there anyhow.

Despite my attitude, I do love all the visitors at our home and trips away, to spend time with all of our family and friends.  I am trying to not be so grumpy right now, and recognize that it is my favorite time of the year, without a doubt.  I am just having trouble transitioning to it right now.  Last week, swimming with my baby in Cozumel.  This week, alone and cold and surrounded by housework.  It's enough to make anyone pause and say, damn.  I know by the time the doorbell rings for the first time this week, I'll be happy to see everyone, happy to bake, happy to decorate, happy for the holidays, happy to be me and be alive.

MISS GEE

Keep Your Eyes Forward

This weekend J and I were able to escape to the mountains for a few days.  We needed it.  He needed it to get his mind off work, I needed it to get some alone time with him.  Shocking to say, as we have no children that I would complain about needing his undivided attention.  But the truth is, during the week we get into a rut and routine just like everyone else.  At night, at home, he still has duties to fulfill and chores to attend to.  Yesterday he had to get up at 4am to go in early, so that he and the HR manager could meet with some third shift employees before they went home.  He was able to come home early- for him that meant 6pm- and we had a nice walk in the neighborhood so we could chat.  Tonight is one more night alone for me- he won't be home until 10pm or later, due to yet another meeting offsite.  He said this should be the last one for this year- he and his boss try to visit the many outlying offices twice a year, to reach out and make face to face contact with employees they wouldn't otherwise ever see.  They may not be under the same roof, but these are still employees that J is over and responsible for.  This meeting and dinner is almost two hours south, so it'll be a late one, and even though he gets a break for a few months, I know they will start up again next year.  This morning he was sitting on the edge of the bed, quiet.  I jokingly asked him if he was meditating.  He said he was trying to think of a good reason for calling out of work.  He was being honest, but wasn't really contemplating it.  In the 16 years with the company, he's never called out sick once.  Ever.  Not to say he doesn't have colds or the flu or headaches and backaches.  He just takes his responsibilities extremely serious.  But we have a week-long vacation coming up, the holidays, and then a super long weekend in December where J will use up his last vacation days.  We've got more alone time on the near horizon, so I'm not fretting about his work schedule right now.

It was cold up in the mountains this past weekend, freezing, refreshing, spirit-mending.  22 degrees and bright blue skies.  I was getting all sorts of crazy stares as I wasn't wearing any kind of coat or sweater.  Every time we stopped to take photos of snow or icicles, J stayed in the truck with the heat on, he gets cold easily.  I love it, I stayed out there until my hands and cheeks were numb.  Back in town this week, it's in the 60's.  Yesterday I was out running errands in a short-sleeve T, and I saw others bundled up in wool coats and scarves.  Yes, seriously.  I suppose I was the one this time giving them the "what are they thinking??" look.  I rarely wear a coat in the winter in the daytime, no matter what the temp is.  The only time I ever bundle up is when the wind is strong and biting, or if it's evening and I know I'll be out in it for awhile.  Winter is too brief down here.  We've gone two years without any snow now.  I wait for it like an excited little kid every year, J dreads and curses it because of how it disrupts work- employees calling out, his drivers having accidents, our customers closing up.  Of course, where I grew up on the beach, there was no winter.  I think they are still having 80's right now in my hometown.  I don't miss that at all. I wish J and I lived in a place that had truly serious snowfall. My dream life is a self-sufficient log home in the mountains, where we could stock up on all our essentials and plenty of firewood, and snuggle in for the winter.  But only as a retirement option, only if neither of us had to leave and get on the roads.  J and I are old-fashioned, we still like to read real books and magazines, play board games and cards.  I could see us getting snowed in somewhere and relaxing.  It probably won't ever happen, J abhors cold weather (and sitting still), so I don't ever see us moving much farther north than we already are.  And we're on the 33rd parallel, not north by any stretch of the imagination.

I am a bit nostalgic this week for some reason, still.  I think it's the approaching holidays.  When Halloween rolls around, I start thinking about childhood and my hometown, friends and old memories.  When I was a little kid, I can remember that one day every year, coming home from school and my mom would be hanging the Halloween decorations.  She had a big paper scarecrow she would put on the front door, with posable arms and legs, we would move him around every day to a new position.  In the windows she would hang these little dancing witches and monsters, made from cardboard and string and tissue paper.  I don't know how to describe them, I don't think they make them anymore and I can't find them online.  Even though it would be warm outside, she would open the windows to make them blow around in the breeze. We usually made a ghost by draping a white sheet over the lamppost in the front yard.  After Halloween came the paper and cardboard turkeys and pumpkins and pilgrims all over the house, and her wooden carved bowls shaped like acorns which she would fill with all sorts of whole nuts in their shells.  I loved picking out all the hazelnuts and cracking them open, they were always my favorites. Then it was a short jump to Christmas, and our spindly little tree with handmade ornaments from construction paper and glitter, and the fake cardboard fireplace with glowing orange and yellow lights to mimic the flames.  Our tree had the big old-timey bulbs, the ones that got super hot to the touch and made noises that sounded like crickets chirping as they blinked off and on.  My little sister and I would just sit by the tree every single night once it went up.  I can remember how we would take off pieces of tinsel and hold it stretched out across our thumbs and blow on it, making whistling sounds that were annoying, but my parents never once told us to stop. So for three months our house stayed decorated in some fashion.  I try to do the same here at my house, but my decorations are shiny and new and don't give me that sense of joy and wonder like the ones from my childhood.  Unless you grew up in the 1960's, you probably don't remember decorations that were made from assorted papers, and not plastic.  I miss those times.  Now Halloween is dinner out with J so we (he) can avoid all the kiddies, I spend Thanksgiving with my in-laws, and at Christmas my parents come to our house every year.  I haven't returned "home" for the holidays in many years. And it wouldn't be the same, even if I did.

Maybe I'm also a bit nostalgic because on Facebook this week, I saw some friends of mine celebrating the birth of their first grandchild.  True, plenty of my friends have grandkids already.  But, this was my old boyfriend, the one I dated on and off and on again from 8th grade all the way until I settled down with my first husband in my early 20's.  He went off to college, but would reconnect with me whenever he was back home.  Even when I was with W, I used to dream about this guy all the time, and in my dreams he always showed up to rescue me from my crappy marriage.  This is the boy I always thought I would marry one day.  Red hair, an easy smile.  He's a well-respected doctor now, still in our hometown.  He's the reason I got on FB a few years ago, I desperately wanted to see what he looks like now.  And he looks the same, completely the same, completely handsome.  My dad sees him every once in awhile around town.  He eventually married another girl we went to school with.  She was divorced and had two small children by then.  They never had kids of their own, although they've been married for so long, these girls are very much his.  So the oldest daughter just had a baby.  I saw the photos of my old boyfriend, sitting at the hospital waiting with his wife, then photos of them holding the baby.  I can't describe how I felt seeing those photos, not jealous because his wife was my friend once too, but it was a weird unexpected feeling, and I don't know that I could even put words to it. It's odd, my hometown is bigger than where I live currently, but was small enough that plenty of my high school friends just stayed there and married each other and started raising the next generation.  Life was good when we were all kids, riding our bikes to the beach, going to football games on Friday night, meeting for pizza and video games at the mall.  I had a damn fun childhood.

So maybe I'm just thinking about the old me, the first half of my life me, the one who existed before W got into my head.  I wonder what my life would have been like, had I not met him.  The week W and I were moving into our new apartment, the old high school boyfriend and I went out to dinner to talk.  He wanted to reconcile- we were off and hadn't been "on" for awhile.  It was over 12 years of back and forth with him, but it was done now, I knew.  He tried to woo me, he spent hours trying to convince me to give him another chance, but I was already with W.  But I think about it now, knowing what I do about how the relationship with W turned out.  What if I had stayed in my hometown, what if I had given the old high school flame another chance.  I think about all it means, how it turned out for me, having left my hometown. A strained relationship with my mother, a nonexistent one with my sister.  Missing out on my nephews growing up.  People who were best friends with me thirty or twenty years ago, but wouldn't recognize me if they saw me walking down the street today.  I don't actually miss living my old life, it was wonderful but also as awkward and unfulfilling back then as it is now.  But I just wonder sometimes.  Who would I be now, instead of the person I am at this moment?  Or would it have mattered where I lived or who I was married to, if I had kids or not, a career?  Does any of that really define me now?  Would I be happy or still struggling with depression?  I would like to think that no matter what I would still be the same person, I would still like the same books and music, I would still have the same favorite color and favorite movie, I would still have the same dreams for myself, the same sense of humor.  I would like to think that my very core, my soul, would not be unduly influenced by the people and places that surround me. Even so, it doesn't stop the what if's of life that pop up, or the pangs of yearning for the old days.

Of course, leaving my old life and my hometown was the only way J would be able to come into my world.  And I know nothing could be better than that.  If J was my destiny, then all the choices I made- good and bad- were the right ones.

MISS GEE

How Do I Hold Up My Head?

Another long day here at my house.  It's a little after 7am as I start this post.  No idea when I will finish it, I usually leave my posts up all day and come back to them throughout the afternoon.  It is gray and very foggy out this morning, I can hardly see across the street right now.  I am sitting here in the office, watching the SUV's and minivans go up and down the road, all the stay-at-home moms taking their kids to school, then coming back to do their mom thing, whatever that is.  Probably the same thing I do- laundry, dishes, vacuuming, cleaning toilets.  We've had a few days of overcast skies but no rain.  Still too much green and too much humidity for me to feel like autumn has arrived, so we're still in summer mode.  Shorts, T-shirts, sandals.  I'm ready to break out the big woolly sweaters. I'm ready to crank up the fireplace.  Last night our backyard was covered by a herd of deer- moms and babies.  This morning it's a blanket of huge black crows out there.  You know, there just isn't really anything to complain about.  Why do I feel like life is such a burden right now.

J left for work a half hour ago.  He won't be home until 10pm or later, as they have an off-site meeting tonight.  This has been a rough week for me.  I hurt my back again on Sunday, so I've been creeping around in pain, shuffling around like an old lady who lost her walker.  J and I planted two dozen small trees (about 2-3 feet tall) in our back and side yard, hoping to create a living wall to block out the view of our neighbors.  They have decided to use their own backyard to throw all their junk- a wrecked car, broken dog crate, old basketball equipment.  Total violation of the HOA policies, which we pay quite a bit yearly to have enforced.  We've reported them several times, but so far, no actions have been taken.  So we planted fast-growing hybrid willow trees (photo from online catalog below) and hope that by planting so many of them, they will shoot up and out and we won't have to keep looking at the red piece of shit car with the crushed front end.  I try not to let things like this bother me, but it seems like we get notices about everything- leaving the garbage can out when it isn't trash pickup day, letting a few weeds at the curb grow too tall- but when we call the HOA to complain about something it appears they don't have time to send the same nasty letter to our neighbors.  It makes me angry, but to no avail.  Oh well.  Life isn't fair.

I think I've put out about all the fall decorations that I'm going to this year.  As I stated last year around this time, J doesn't celebrate or like Halloween.  He grew up in a very religious and very strict home, and Halloween was just absolutely forbidden.  So he's not a big fan of it.  When I was a kid- back in those good ol' days when our mom could turn us out all by ourselves in the neighborhood- the excitement of Halloween night was next to Christmas morning as far as we were concerned.  We looked forward to it SO much, my sister and I.  The first year J and I were married, he gave it a gallant effort to make me happy, but he just didn't enjoy Halloween one bit.  He tried to get into it, buying a funny mask and even going to the door to see all the kiddies.  But he said he just doesn't want to partake in it anymore.  I understand.  He doesn't have all the wonderful childhood memories I have of this holiday, he's not sentimental about it.  But, I let him have this one.  I decorate for fall, but on Halloween night we usually go out to dinner and come home late.  One year we kept all the lights off and just watched TV down in the basement.  The constant doorbell ringing drives our cats crazy.  I love fall decorations though, and try to buy ones that are not Halloween specific.  I buy "pumpkins" but not "Jack-O-Lanterns" so I can leave them all out from October through Thanksgiving.  And I especially love this time of year because all the stores have black kitty trinkets.  Since we have a house full of black cats, I can't ever pass up a black cat statute or painting or sign.

J and I always seem to be moving forward in our life together.  Whether it's home improvements or financial planning, working on our health or making new memories.  When it's the two of us, it seems as though there isn't anything we can't accomplish when we work side by side.  He motivates me to push onward, and I give him a reason for wanting to do something in the first place.  But I am still stuck in my personal life.  I can't seem to get any momentum going.  I'm almost to the point where I'm ready to throw in the towel, as far as staying at home.  J isn't ready for me to go back to work yet, and I'm starting to think he may not ever want me to.  The other day one of my former coworkers asked him what I was doing, and he told me he proudly said I was at home taking excellent care of our family.  I'm not sure where he came up with that, since family is just us two.  But he told me he's very very happy to have me continue to stay at home.  What he doesn't realize is that some days, that puts even more pressure on me.  Before, when I worked long grueling days, it's almost like I got a free pass- I came home pissed off, grumpy, tired, I didn't want to cook, didn't have energy to clean or exercise, and was growing fatter every day because of the stress eating and fast food lunches.  Now that I'm not dealing with any of that, I feel as though I have to be perfect.

I have nights where I have to put on that fake smiley face for J, and I don't like that.  He's always loved and accepted me no matter what.  But I feel that somehow we struck this unspoken deal- I got to escape from the awful job but in return I have to be happy from now on.  He doesn't understand that, although that job was breaking me, it wasn't the sole cause of my sadness or anger.  So much of it is still inside of me.  I've been able to let go of a great deal of the anger, but the heavy sorrow and listlessness continues to knock me down.  Most days I can get back on my feet well enough, but there are some days where I just can't find anything to grasp ahold of in order to lift myself up.  I thought my pottery would save me, I thought that being free to be creative and work on my art every day was my ticket to happiness.  But it just gave me something else to fret over (why isn't it selling?) and something else to get depressed about (everyone must hate it).  Instead of just enjoying the creative process and falling in love with my art, I instead constantly obsess over the minutiae of the business side of it.  I just can't let go, with anything.  I never stop worrying, I never stop wondering what's going to happen next instead of taking in the moment.  I never stop questioning if what I'm doing or feeling or thinking is the right path for me.

Perhaps my real issues are stemming from anxiety, and not depression.  The anxiety seems to always come first, and it sometimes ends up as depression.  I've suffered from panic attacks for a long time now, and maybe I need to devote a post about that subject.  I have always been a very anxious person, very controlling, very type-A.  If I'm not perfect, then I tell myself I suck as a human being.  I even look at my blog too critically.  I'm not sure if it's even helping me at all, the way I hoped it would.  I know I said I was writing it strictly for myself, but I find myself sometimes worrying about what a potential reader will see or think.  I'm whining, I'm lazy, I'm spoiled, I'm a moron.  If I was keeping this in a private journal, I would probably write the same things.

I know one of the things J wants me to work on, is my confidence level.  He sees my anxiety as a symptom of not believing in myself, in my actions, in my dreams.  He thinks if I were more confident, I wouldn't question absolutely everything, I wouldn't second guess every little thing, I wouldn't drive myself so crazy and I could relax and enjoy my life.  I wouldn't talk myself out of things I want to do, because I'm afraid I might fail.  I could cook a new recipe without worrying if it'll be good or not.  I could go hike without worrying I might get tired and not make it to the end of the trail.  I could keep painting without worrying if anyone else buys it.  So what if dinner isn't great, I tried and I'll find another recipe to try out.  So what if I don't make it all the way until the end of the trail, I'll walk as far as I can then turn around, having at least walked part of the path.  So what if some stranger doesn't want to purchase my art, at least I've enjoyed making it and I'm doing what I've always dreamed about.

Maybe J is right, maybe by not believing in myself, I've created the anxiety, the stress, the depression, the panic attacks, the defeatist attitude.  But where do I gain this confidence, since I've never really had any before.  J can't give it to me, the world isn't going to drop it in my lap, I can't buy it.  I've got to dig deep and find it- somewhere.  Could the answer really be that simple?  Could a low self-esteem really truly create all of my negative issues?

MISS GEE

(The trees below are only four years old!  Hope we'll get to see ours get that big.)

Hands Are For Holding

When I was growing up, I thankfully had no insights into what an abusive relationship looked like.  My parents didn't have a perfect marriage- absolutely no one does- but their squabbles were minor.  Slightly raised voices whenever they had polar opposite opinions on how to do something.  Stuff like that.  I always thought of my parents as being "old", but of course now that I'm closer to 50 than anything else, I realize that when I was in high school and rebelling against them, they were only around 40.  I thought they were old farts and didn't understand young teenage love, and had no life outside of just being mom and dad.  I forgot my mom was 19 when they got married.  But when I was 40, I spent my days and nights in love with J and our marriage was about fun weekends and flirty emails at work, kissing and snuggling in bed at night.  I am sure my parents probably felt the same things about each other, I just didn't see it because I was too immature and, because they were my parents and (gross!) I wasn't watching for any shared smiles or secret winks.  They are still happily married after 50+ years together, and managed to survive raising two spoiled bratty daughters.

My younger sister got married straight out of college, to the boy she dated during her last two years there.  She was married and a homeowner long before I even met my first husband.  Soon came two children of her own.  They've been married for over twenty years now.  They don't have a perfect marriage either. They argue a lot over minor things like my sister needing help with the housework when her husband wants to go watch TV out on the patio instead, or can he please go take their oldest son to soccer practice because she has a meeting at work.  I know for a short time a few years ago, things were tense and their line of communication shut down, and they went to counseling.  She told my mom that things are much better now.  They are still the "fun" couple, hosting BBQ's and taking vacations and making time to go out to dinner sans kids.  I see my brother-in-law playfully hug my sister, and while they may still yell at each other (their household is so noisy with two boys I think "yell" is the normal volume level) they also still laugh together.

When I met W, I just assumed things between us would fall into those same lines.  I'd had plenty of boyfriends, but he was my first serious adult relationship. At 13, do you really expect to marry that boy who passed you a love note from three rows over?  Go to the school dance with him, yes, but marriage?  W was the first man I dated that I thought, okay this is a guy I could marry.  And I did.  And up until that point, I thought an abusive marriage was that story on the news where the guy looks like a derelict as he snarls in his mug shot and she has a face covered in bruises and a busted bloody lip.  I was one of those misinformed women who said, geezus why is she still with him, how could she let him put his hands on her that way?  That would never happen to me!

I know I've posted before about the verbal abuse and growing physical abuse in my first marriage, and how I can't shake it off and let go of it, even though I'm now married to a wonderful man who adores me.  J has more than once told me that if I need to see a therapist about it, he wants me to go.  I am not against it, but I really don't think a stranger can offer me the insight that I need.  I know logically that none of it was my fault, that whatever happened was about what my ex had going on in his head, and it wasn't anything I said or did, it wasn't how I acted.  For a long time, I would tell myself that I provoked W into the fight or pushed the wrong buttons.  I knew his triggers, yet I didn't always avoid them.  Why was I the one tiptoeing around, couldn't he restrain himself and his anger?

When I look back, I knew probably from the first few weeks that this was not a man I should get involved with.  But I also thought that passion and drama somehow just naturally mingled.  All the times he ditched me to go get high, all the weekends he acted like he was still single, all the moments he made me cry and didn't feel bad for one second.  And that was while we were still just dating.  Sometimes that drama made me feel alive and excited, and I confused it with real love.  I did truly think that once we were married, he would settle down and grow up, but frankly his behavior just got worse.  Maybe things got a little better the first year or two, when work meant wearing a suit and tie and going on interviews at NASA (yes, really).  But he fell into a downward spiral at an alarming rate, and he intended to take me down with him.  I don't do drugs, I don't drink, I don't party.  I just wanted a normal life and a happy marriage, I just wanted my husband to be a responsible, caring partner.

The marriage fell apart over a decade later for all the reasons I've listed in previous posts.  But many marriages disintegrate yet stay intact.  I overlooked the screaming at me and the poisonous names he called me for a very long time.  At that point, I didn't see it as abuse when he told me how fat and stupid and lazy I was.  I just thought I was a terrible wife and he was stating facts about me, as painful as they were to hear.  How could I be those things when I was working two jobs while he sat on the couch smoking weed?  I didn't see it at the time, I just told myself if I tried harder, things would get better.

I don't remember the first time he laid hands on me.  It was much much later.  His anger and depression and drug use were all out of control.  The physical abuse started off with him pushing me into the wall, or throwing me down on the furniture, or grabbing my arm to jerk me around.  Usually when he was yelling at me and wanted to make certain I was paying close attention to his every word.  It became more frequent during the last two or so years of our marriage, until we couldn't have a rational discussion about anything without him rushing towards me like a bull seeing red.  He would raise his fist and shake it in my face.  I knew within a short matter of time, if I allowed him to push me around without consequences, that given the next opportunity he would escalate to a slap or punch upside my head.  I've posted before about him instead punching the wall or door next to my face as he pinned me against it and screamed at me.  I have no doubt whatsoever that he was capable of even more brutality, and I knew that was the road we were headed down.  Once he told me for the final time that he would not seek counseling, I knew it was completely my choice.  Did I want to continue to stay and hope that things would get better, or was I going to wake up and see him for what he was?  Was I going to be that woman on the evening news with the battered face, telling everyone he didn't really mean it, he's really a great guy, I said something that made him mad and it's all my fault.

Now I would never in a million years judge any woman caught up in an abusive relationship.  I am unbelievably fortunate to have a solid family support system, who reached out over the miles to help me legally and financially when I was ready to break away from the marriage.  And I was even more lucky that I met J at the time I was trying to move forward.  Without any of that, I may have taken the path of least resistance and stayed with W, simply because it was familiar and I would have been scared to do otherwise on my own.  Add in the fact that there were no children involved either, so I could escape without looking back.  I can understand how a young woman with little kids, no job, no other family could give in and overlook the faults of a man who takes care of her yet abuses her at the same time.  It was so easy for me to make excuses for W, it was easy to tell myself it wasn't abuse because I didn't have a black eye.  But any time a person lays hands on another in anger and intimidation and causes any kind of pain, that is abuse.  It doesn't always have to draw blood or leave a visible bruise or warrant the police showing up in the middle of the night.

I know there will be people out there who say what I went through was not true abuse, W was just a dick and I should get over it.  I am in a secure happy marriage now, and that other part of my life is best left to the dark shadows of the past.  I agree with the getting over it part, but for some reason it's still with me.  J of course makes me feel loved and safe and wanted, and when I'm with him I am certainly not brooding over the jackass I divorced nine years ago.  I am not for one instant second guessing any of the decisions I made.  I did the best that I could, and in the end, it worked out for me.  For so many women, it won't. I wish there was a J out there for every woman, but sadly there are way too many W's in the world.

Maybe I dwell on the past because I'm still the same me, and perhaps that scares me.  Did I truly save myself back then, or did I flounder and allow my family and J to rescue me?  What does that say about my strength, my weakness?  If I found myself in another bad situation, would I be able to take care of myself?  I can sit around and hope that nothing terrible ever happens to me in the future, but that would be irresponsible and unrealistic.  One day my parents will be gone, one day J may not be around for me.  It will just be me in a showdown.  Do I have enough self-preservation to survive, or do I submit because it's easy?

I don't know what kind of person I really am.  W used to tell me all the time "you're fucked up" and who's to say I'm not and I just don't realize it.

MISS GEE

More Of The Same

J left for work at 6:30 this morning, and won't be home until 9pm.  He has a big shot from corporate trailing him all day long, doing an audit, one that will continue tomorrow.  Actually, this is a "pre"-audit audit, to gauge how prepared his department is for the actual big week long audit at the end of the month. The audit is to get some kind of new certification, and although it's an internal audit, it's still the weight of the world on his shoulders right now.  J says he isn't ready, but I also know how self-deprecating he is when it comes to important projects at work that he has to head up.  Still, I heard him throwing up not long before he left.  I asked him if he was sick, he said no.  I think he's just like the kid who gets the tummy ache because he doesn't want to go to school.  J's been with the company for 16 years now, so it's not like he's expecting an ambush or bad news.  He just hates it that much.  I can't convince him to go work somewhere else, or even think about it.  He gets unsolicited calls from headhunters all the time, but he never returns them or even considers it.  People at the company who have been there longer, are heading for the front door in droves to go work elsewhere.  I don't know if it's J's loyalty that keeps him there, or it's just he's comfortable bunking with the devil he knows.  In 30 years this is only the second company he's ever worked for since he was out of high school.  I'm not sure he would know what do to with himself at a new job.  I don't think he wants to work for a new company, he just wants a new location.  This weekend he remarked how it was almost a year ago that his dreams were crushed when he didn't get his promotion.  Honestly, he's just never been the same since then.

As much as I loathe it, I am dedicating myself to housework this week.  No pottery, no reading.  Just a quick blog post this morning while I finish my coffee.  I had one of those moments last week.  During a phone conversation with my girlfriend back home, she told me she was going to use two of her vacation days this week to clean her house.  I realized with shame that every day right now presents me with that same opportunity and I ignore it.  I surface clean- just enough to wipe away the crumbs and vacuum up the cat hair- and our family deserves so much more.  Yesterday I started on one side of the house, and managed to get three rooms done and damn if it didn't take all day.  Everything.  Scrubbing baseboards, cleaning windows and ceiling fans, dusting every little knickknack, washing out garbage cans.  I even took each light bulb down and washed away all the crud that somehow gathers on the surface.  Who knew?  I cleaned areas that I wager I haven't touched since we moved in here.  I cleaned things that no one else but me will ever see or even notice, but that's not the point.  I wasn't looking for J to come home and say oh wow honey, you cleaned behind the toilet, that was so thoughtful of you!  So as soon as I finish this post, I will be giving the same top to bottom treatment here in the office.  Somehow I will clean around J's paperwork- it looks like a big mess to me but I'm sure he has it organized in a way that makes sense to him!  And no, my kitty isn't comatose, he just likes to keep me company when I'm typing away.

I am feeling better this week, my depression doesn't seem as severe.  Last week, I'm not sure what was wrong with me, nothing was really going on that would put me so down in the dumps.  But I was.  I even skipped my weekly support group meeting on Friday, and got an email from my leader saying they all missed me and hoped to see me this week.  I didn't tell J that I had skipped it, he would fuss at me with concern.  I have more blood tests this week, and two doctor's appointments next week.  My one doctor said, if my blood work looks better, she'll let me go three months before I have to come back, instead of monthly lab work.  That would be lovely.   Between the hospital stay for my liver, all the ongoing lab work, my broken tooth, and the hand surgery- all of them unrelated to one another- I've been poked with more needles since April than I ever have been in my entire life. Thankfully we have decent health insurance, we've needed it this year.  Who knows what the future holds though?  I am trying to stay blissfully ignorant of all the current political hubbub, and I couldn't tell you the first detail about Obamacare.  Oh, I read about it and watch the news, but depending on the slant of the paper or channel, I couldn't tell you if any of it's truth or party-related opinion.  Our household is divided- J and I are of opposite political parties and we coexist happily with no conflicts when it comes to that subject matter. We joke and say we just cancel out each other's vote at the polls anyhow.

The weather has been helpful this week too.  We had a big rain come through on Sunday afternoon and evening, and the temps dropped.  I am grateful for it. The trees haven't started to turn yet down here, but I am seeing hints of pale yellows and a blush of light red here and there.  Pumpkins are appearing on doorsteps all over the neighborhood.  The crows descend on our yard every day, and my cats sit patiently in the windows to watch their noisy antics.  Yesterday I was able to open the windows in the morning and leave them open the entire day, for the first time this season.  Normally I have to close them up in the afternoon and turn the AC back on.  I've been getting out the autumn decorations but more than likely no one will enjoy them but me.  My parents were supposed to come for a visit next week, but my father hurt his back and doubts he will be up for traveling by then.

J and I had "the talk" this weekend.  No, not the one you had with your parents when you were turning thirteen.  The money talk.  An update on how we're doing since I stopped working five months ago.  It wasn't a bad talk, and certainly not an argument.  There are a lot of places we started saving money the instant I quit my job, as in the gas it took to fill up my SUV for the 1,000 miles a month I commuted to the office.  Now I barely drive 20 miles a week going into town for errands.  But on the downside, I no longer put 25% of my paycheck into a 401K with matching contributions from my company.  Bummer.  J just said, we need to do a better job of cutting back expenses and sticking to a budget.  Uhm, what budget?  Yes, that's the problem, we haven't really set up one yet. And he did mean we.  And the biggest hunk of our expense pie that needs to be trimmed, is our traveling.  The actual cost of our travel is hard to figure out. We fly for free and stay at hotels for free, all because of points earned on credit cards and gambling at casinos.  We are platinum for the airline, platinum for the hotel, diamond for the casino, VIP for the cruise line.  Points and points amass.  We've flown to the West Coast for free, we've flown first class for free, we get free upgrades to suites at pricey hotels and on ships, we go to the head of the line at the casino restaurants and eat for free.  But guess what you have to do to earn all these freebies and points?  Spend!!!  So how free is it??  Exactly.  J said it's been a nice ride, but it's got to stop after this year, and he swore it has nothing to do with me not working right now.  He said we can still travel, but not at the expense of trying to keep up our "status" levels.  Since I don't gamble, if we never went to another casino ever again, I am great with that.

J and I went to a big arts and craft fair over the weekend, and it made me realize I am nowhere near being ready for that step with my pottery and painting.  I will continue to concentrate on my online business instead, and that's okay.  There isn't anything wrong with dreaming or making plans, but being realistic is also nothing to be ashamed of.  I know it's just a hobby, and just because I have business cards printed out with my "business" name on it, I don't see myself working the southeast craft fair circuit full time.  I talked to people on Sunday who do nothing but travel to shows every weekend, no matter where they are located.  I thought about just the expense of the travel, the cost of the booth space.  I would never recoup that with my small items.  I make and sell "supplies" to other folks, and most people who come to those fall festivals are looking for the finished product that they can immediately display or wear when they leave with it.

At this point, I don't expect any big changes for either of us for the rest of the year.  We'll go on our planned vacation in November, we'll see family and friends over the holidays.  We'll both celebrate turning 47 in the upcoming weeks.  J will continue with his long days at work.  I plan to keep plugging away at my art- and do better with the housekeeping. We'll go find fun local outings to attend on the weekends.  So unless something dramatic happens that I need to report, you can assume life goes on here as it always does.  It's time for me to get this blog back to where I originally intended for it to go- deep in my head to work out the many longstanding and unresolved issues that I continue to dwell on, the ones that continue to shape my daily thoughts and decisions.

MISS GEE