Maybe

Yes yes yes, I am still here.  Every day I think about getting back on the blog.  I have a long list of things to talk about.

Right now my life feels like an out of control roller coaster, one that I am strapped to against my will.  It's the old cliche- one minute I'm up, the next I'm down.

My face hurts from forcing the smiles every day.  I see photos of myself on Facebook and think, WHO is that?  Not me!  Not the real me anyhow.

I will be back soon.  I have to get through a painfully long, claustrophobic Thanksgiving.  Then maybe I can get my thoughts together enough to sit here again.  

Maybe.

Until then, I am still --

MISS GEE

I Give Up

Despite having a lot of happy moments and fun experiences over the last few weeks, I find myself still floundering and desperately trying to find my way back on track with my days.  I am coming to the conclusion, I think, that after all the moaning and groaning on here, there really is nothing wrong with my life or with me.  I am normal.  My life is completely normal.  There is nothing to fix.  Everyone goes through this journey of endless rolling hills and deep chasms.  That in the end, this really is how life was meant to be.

I don't know if I'm happy or sad with this realization.  Perhaps I thought I was special, with my self-inflicted misery and moodiness.  Perhaps I thought I was supposed to achieve bigger and better things before my final days on earth, and I was simply a failure.  I have contemplated the meaning of my reality for so long now, I had convinced myself that there had to be a larger purpose, one I couldn't figure out.  I thought if I could, that would be the secret to my happiness.

I guess lately I have paid more attention to others instead of just what's going on in my own head.  I'm seeing that, maybe not to the extreme that I feel it, but absolutely everyone has a bout of blues now and then.  Everyone has doubts, everyone gets pissed off about things, everyone wants to just lay down and say "I quit!" every so often.  I suppose I always knew that rationally, but I think it made me feel better, made me feel like a rare marvel that I was the only one who was ever aching so deeply.  That is fucked up logic, I know.  The miasma of my daily existence is not extraordinary.  There are thousands of me out there.  My life is not a drama.

I have made my life all about struggle, I have defined myself by it.  Struggling to find my way, struggling with my depression and heath, struggling to achieve goals, struggling with all the insane thoughts in my head about why I am the way I am.  And dammit, I just AM.  That's the bottom line.  It's not anything- or anyone- that happened to me, it's not any chemical imbalance, it's not where I live or what I do.  It's just fucking life.

I know I am not making sense to anyone else, I'm not even sure I understand what I'm saying.  I sat down to blog about one thing, but this is what's coming out of me.  So, I give up the struggle.  Life happens, and from now on I shall let it flow over me instead of wearing myself out by holding up a shield.  I have been fighting against it for so long, trying to change myself, change the way I think and feel.  There is nothing wrong with me, or what's inside my head or my heart.

Everything I feel has value, everything I feel is normal and not unique only to me.  Guilt, anger, pain, love, anxiety, hate, sadness, loneliness, remorse, boredom.  They are not my exclusive emotions, I can't lay claim to them.  They've been around since the world started turning, and they will be around well after I'm ashes.  If I am angry or lonely, guess what?  It's a good bet that a million people around the globe are feeling the same thing at that moment.  So, I need to accept it, get over it all, and let it go.  And I am free to do just that!  I am NOT special.  I am normal!  It's a letdown and a release all at the same time, to say that.  Now I have to just believe it, and live it.

I want to spend each day knowing that whatever choice I make, that whatever I do, is neither right nor wrong.  It just IS, and that's the way it's supposed to be. There is nothing to analyze, nothing to fret over, nothing to "work on".  I don't have to feel extreme joy with every little move I make.  I don't have to beat myself up when I'm so down I can't see daylight.  I don't have to feel guilty if what I'm doing brings me pleasure even if it's not on a daily to-do list.  If I don't feel like smiling at you today then I won't, but tomorrow I may feel like hugging you for no reason so I will.  I am tired of faking what I do in order to get along with the rest of the world.  Hell, those people are probably just faking it too.

I don't have to do anything but be me.  I have held onto this spurious, broken identity of myself for way too long now.  It's time to forge ahead without that protective cloak to hide over my true face.

I hate that silly overused catchphrase of living your authentic life, but I suddenly see that it has merit.

MISS GEE!!!

Hearts Grow Fonder

I am having a better than average week right now, for me at least.  I decided to take the week "off", which is not hard to do since I stay at home all day anyhow. I decided that other than my simple weekly chores, I was not going to do anything this week.  No art projects, no pottery, no making jewelry.  No photographing or listing anything in my Etsy shops.  No working on our upcoming yard sale or my next craft show. I haven't so much as looked at a paint brush or glass bead or price tag this week. It's hard to admit you need a break from something that, in reality, is fun and not stressful.  But I just wanted to not do any of it.

This week I've just been sitting and reading.  Keeping the TV off, nose stuck in a big fat 25-year-old paperback, trying to drink lots of water and eat plenty of fresh fruit.  And I feel okay.  It was a good week to kick back- after about a month of infernal drought, we've had rain for the past four days.  When it's dark and gloomy out, I like to sit on the couch with the lamp on and listen to the heavy raindrops plinking on the metal of the chimney.

After ten weeks at his first assignment, J's second assignment is going to stretch out for at least five weeks that he knows of, and maybe more.  He's working nights again, but at this location they don't have as many issues and so his "night" is less grueling at 9-10 hours instead of 12-13 hours.  He's getting more sleep, and he's sounding a lot less frustrated when I talk to him right now.  He'll be home this whole weekend.  After that, he heads back out for two weeks straight, without coming home on the weekend.  Instead, he's booked a flight for me so that I can come out there and spend three days with him over that next weekend.  He's already lined up a baseball game the first night, a football game the second night.  My husband, gotta love his energy and desire to experience all of life.

I'm finding that my time, my life, is now compartmentalized into "with J" and "without J".  I know you expect me to write that I'm always happier with J.  No, I'm finding that's not necessarily true.  When I'm down, I'm down. When I'm up, I'm up.  I certainly enjoy life more and have more fun being with my husband, but I find my moods are controlled by the depression and the chronic pain.  They both dictate how I'm going to feel, how I'm going to behave, how I'm going to relate to the world around me.  If I'm home alone, if I'm out with J- it doesn't matter, the pain doesn't care.  When it takes hold of you, it doesn't give a crap where you are or who you're with. I always try to resist it, and I promise you that fighting against it will wear you down even quicker.  Honestly, J doesn't let me sit around and miss out on the weekends, he wants to go do things so I'm at his side.  I know if I were to say, honey I am just in too much severe pain today, I can't- he would be okay with that.  But since I never complain to him, he encourages me to not let the aches get in the way of our life together.  I'm madly in love and appreciative and utterly exhausted all at the same time.

J told me this past weekend that when he gets on the plane on Fridays, all he can think about is getting back home to me as fast as possible.  J is very physical in his expressions of love.  He is a hugger and a kisser.  Even out in public he loves to grab and rub and pinch and poke and tease, he is always wanting to touch and to be touched.  When we sleep, he even has to have his foot nudging my leg all night long, or a hand on my shoulder.  I've never had to beg for a back rub, he's there happily doing it.  I confess that on days when I'm down, when I hurt, when I'm feeling like shit, I am not as receptive to his wanting me to sit close to him or wanting to cuddle or wanting to hold me.  I am not as receptive to his affections.  I'm not talking about saying no to sex because I'm not in the mood, I'm talking about a wonderful caring man who revels in my presence and only wants me to scoot over towards him just a little bit more on the couch.

I'm an ungrateful bitch, I'm sitting here almost complaining about a husband who likes to snuggle and who enjoys giving me a foot rub while we're watching TV.  I'm talking about shrugging off the loving touches of a man who still wants to be with me even though I'm fat and old and grumpy.  What is wrong with me? I am married to the type of man that many women will never know, can only dream about, and some days I have to tell him to take a step back because he's too close to me.  It's like I anticipate my pain, and in essence I'm pushing away from him.  J never never ever causes me pain, it's my body, not anything he does. But some days, I hurt so much that even when he helpfully rubs the sore places, it's too much and I have to ask him to stop.

I know it's just the pain and depression.  It's not a true version of how I feel about my husband.  In some ways he understands, he will say "are you hurting today?" if I pull away from him when he hugs me too tight.  Other times I can tell he feels slighted and rebuffed.  This last weekend, at red lights he kept leaning over in the seat to kiss me, and after a few kisses I would just smile at him but not lean towards him.  I could tell he was sad.  Quite frankly, even leaning over that little bit in the car hurt my body like a mother fucker, and I'm not kidding.  I wasn't saying I didn't want to kiss J, I was just in so much pain I couldn't move that way anymore.  And I get sick of telling him so often that I'm in pain, and surely he's got to be tired of hearing it too, although he would never say that to me.

I don't know what we'll do this weekend.  He gets home super early Friday morning, although he will have to sleep for awhile after working all night.  Then he doesn't head out until Monday morning.  I'm sure we will find plenty to do since we are always such go go go people.  By the end of the weekend, I'll be feeling it in my back and shoulders and feet and head.  I'll get cranky but do my best to hide it, but those of you with perceptive spouses know you can never really hide that kind of stuff from them- they always know.  After this weekend, then we are out of town on trips the next three weekends.  I am unbelievably thankful that I have a husband who wants to spend time with me, who works hard so we can travel and be together and have a great time.

I try to put on my best and brightest happy face for J, I try to be cheerful and enthusiastic and adventurous whenever I'm with him.  But sometimes the pain just wipes all of that out of me.  I have got to work on this.  Now that he travels full time, I'm only with him 2-3 days a week.  I have the rest of the week to sit around and feel sorry for myself and mope in my misery if that's what I want to do.  When I'm with him, even if it hurts my back when he holds me tightly to him, I've got to suck it up.  For him.  I love it when he wants to wrap me in his strong arms and give me a great big hug just because, and I've got to pretend that it doesn't light every nerve ending in my body on fire.  I'm just so damn tired of that pain and how poorly I react to it.  I'm so afraid that one day, he will be tired of my reactions too.

I guess it's just been bad lately, but luckily I am not always in this much pain, not every day, not every weekend.  And besides, J is the best medicine in the world, no doctor could do more for me.

MISS GEE

Even My Toes Hurt

I have been in so much pain the last few weeks.  If you are a real life friend and see my Facebook or Instagram, you would never know it.  I'm still in that habit of pasting on my pathetic fake happy smile.  I still jump up and go whenever and do whatever anyone wants to.  Starting in September we have three major vacations, several holiday trips, and multiple mountain weekends already booked for every month through February of next year.  It makes me exhausted and ill at ease just to think about it all.  I love to travel, but right now, I dread it instead of anticipating it with excitement.  To sit in a car for hours, to deal with a two-hour plane ride, seems like torture instead of a fun adventure.

This has been weeks now of absolutely everything hurting, from head to toe.  Normally it's just one thing or another, but right now it seems to be a cascading failure of my entire body.  Migraines, my lower back and hip, my knee, the arthritis in my hands.  Everything.  Even my feet are hurting right now, which is weird because I don't do anything that would trigger that and I've never had problems with them in the past.  Right now I can barely walk on them in the mornings and evenings.  It hurts to sit, it hurts to stand, it hurts to walk, it hurts to lie in bed.  The pain even overwhelmed me into a crying jag yesterday afternoon. The only time I feel better is when I'm floating in a deep, super hot bath filled with salts and herbs.  I'm not a fish, I can't stay in the tub forever.

I have an appointment on Monday morning with a new doctor, another specialist, for my female/menopause issues.  I don't think any of those problems are causing pain, it's just annoying symptoms that won't go away and are causing minor but irritating complications to my daily life.  I'm sure this will turn into several appointments- doctors rarely if ever can do it all at the first visit.

These days I don't take anything stronger than over the counter pain relievers.  And even with those, I have to be at an unbearable ten before I reach for the bottle.  If I took ibuprofen every time I had an ache, I would be taking them around the clock and who knows what my kidney and liver would look like.  So my choices are- eat my insides alive with Motrin or just suffer all day with pain.  Not much of a choice.  It's been a terrible cycle lately.  I know I need to go to yoga or get on the treadmill because it will make me feel better, but I feel so awful right now I can't get myself to go back on those routines.  All I want to do is sit on the couch with a heating pad on my back and a cold cloth on my head.  It sucks big time.  The resentment that I'm letting my life pass me by starts to dig away at my already delicate mental balance.

I spent too many years walking around in a zombie state, driven by all the prescription pain meds my doctors kept me on.  They never worked.  I had to keep taking more pills a day, at higher doses.  Nothing ever worked, nothing ever offered a single sliver of relief.  Pills like oxycodone, shots of morphine at the hospital, patches stuck on my body soaked with lidocaine, repeated epidurals in my back at pain clinics.  For years I took pregabalin, a drug with a normal dose of 300mg a day- my doctor had me up to 1500mg a day and it still had no effect on my pain whatsoever.  In 2009 when I went to a new doctor, she said she couldn't give me anything stronger, couldn't raise my dosages.  So slowly I just got off everything, and as prescriptions expired I didn't ask for renewals.  I decided that if none of it was going to help, why the hell was I going through all of that shit?  The money, the time at the appointments, all for what?

Frankly, I don't hurt any worse today drug-free, than I did back then when I stayed loaded up on them.  The pills never helped me feel better physically, but they made me just not care about anything, including the pain.  I was dull, depressed, and hating myself when I stayed drugged.

I do understand people who get addicted to pain killers.  I have a cousin who did time in a federal prison for it.  I guess it never happened to me because they never worked, so there was really no point.  No craving, no urge.  There was nothing to crave!  I always took my medications in the way that the doctors prescribed them.  I never took too many, I never took them too often.  I was more worried about how the drugs might destroy my internal organs if I overdid them.  So once I was off everything, I just shrugged my shoulders and said "eh" because it was over.  I think if the prescription pain meds ever DID offer relief, I may have been one of those people who needed them to survive.

My physical therapist, who I see once a month now- down from twice a week- wants me to try her acupuncturist. I'm not against it.  I just have little hope for it so I haven't decided yet if I want to embark on that path.  I do believe in alternative health care.  I don't blame my primary care physicians for throwing pills at me, because that's what they're trained to do.  I know so much of it is in my control.  Losing weight, moving more, eating better, taking vitamins, going to yoga, changing to organic foods and chemical-free products in my pantry.  I get "Mother Earth Living" and "Clean Eating" and "Vegetarian Times".  I just don't bother to take all the steps I see easily spelled out on the glossy pages.

The pain gets into my mental space, because I start to really get down on myself.  I'm lazy, I'm not taking advantage of my free time and easy life to make the changes I need to.  I have access to everything I need, J has given me the whole world in order to take care of myself, and it's like I'm slapping away the helping hand of fate.  Why?  Because I'm that person who sits on their ass watching Project Runway marathons, hoping for a pizza to magically appear at the door- with extra cheese and dipping sauce.  I must take control of my own health!  Can I get rid of all of the pain?  Maybe not.  But I do know that sitting around feeling sorry for myself is not the path I need to be on.

MISS GEE

Back To Good

J had to head back to the airport again today for another two weeks on his same assignment, and those should be his last weeks at this place.  I hated that he had to leave today.  He literally had to get up in the middle of us watching a movie, to go catch his flight.  One minute we were on the couch laughing at a cute comedy and relaxing, and the next minute I'm walking him and his big suitcase out the door.  I watched the last half hour of the movie, but without him there, I don't think I laughed or even smiled at it again.  I'm glad for the extra time off his boss gave him this last week. I did have to share a lot of it with his family, but I got good quality time with him as well.  It will end up being ten weeks total at this particular office once he's done, and he is SO ready to move on.  This place has depressed him, made him question taking this promotion in the first place, and he said it's starting to suck any joy or happiness out of him.  His boss told him, this will probably be the worst assignment he will ever have, so J said well that's good to know- it can only get better. I hate that this "worst assignment" had to be the FIRST assignment!

Next Saturday I have another show to work.  Yesterday we spent the day putting up the tent and banner, a "trial run" if you will, because I haven't set any of it up yet at the previous shows.  But it's hotter than crap down here right now, and on Saturday I will need the tent over the booth just for the shade!  I can pay extra for electricity hookup, and I thought about it just to have a fan going, but the show ends by 2pm, so I can sweat it out that long.  J stays at the shows with me, but he hangs out a little ways away.  So far we keep getting the same spot for our booth, because I request it, and J can sit up under this gigantic old oak tree.  Once a "real" customer approaches me (not just a looker or casual shopper), J comes over and helps with the transaction.  Usually he makes change while I wrap and bag, because I totally SUCK at quick math that I have to do in my head.  Yes, I know, that from someone who did accounting for almost 30 years.  Plus I need J to help me with the setting up and breaking down of the booth, the tables, displays, etc.  I could do it alone if I had to, but no way do I want to.  I hate it that this weekend, he is only home for Saturday, and I'm going to use it all up.

This week I will be busy making a few more things, and working on new displays.  Why do I wait until the last possible moment to do these things?  That seems to be the way I have approached major tasks my entire life.  I'm sure you know someone just like that in your own life.  Not to say that I work best under pressure, but it seems that's the situation I always put myself in.  On top of that, this weekend when we went to visit his aunt and uncle, they filled the back of my SUV with books.  They are helping their elderly neighbor pack up and move and she had a few hundred books to get rid of.  It sounded like a good idea in the beginning, but once we got home and I started digging through them I realized they are mostly junk.  Nothing worth selling online.  I mean, things my regular used book store won't even take for trade.  Looks like a lot to go to charity.  Right now the garage is full with the boxes, and J couldn't even park his car in there, so I have all week to get them all sorted and carried down to the basement before J comes home on Friday night.  Nothing really to gain with bringing them all home, just a lot of work for me.  Last big task for this week is clearing off the dining room table.  J and I went to a few really nice estate sales yesterday and all of my goodies are strewn about the table.  I always buy small things for my online shop.  Many people hit up estate sales on the first day, and that's great if you are looking for the most valuable items.  But we always go on the last day, because almost all sales reduce the prices by 50% or more by then, because they are wanting to get rid of things.  This is where I can find my deals.  I am not running an antique store, I'm just looking for little trinkets I can buy for 50 cents and sell for $5.00 on Etsy. This weekend I found a lot of neat stuff to add to my inventory, but I know J doesn't really want to still see it all in the same spot when he gets home on Friday.

As for J and I, lately all our talk has been the same old back and forth- do we want to move or do we want to stay.  We don't know, but it feels like it's all we ever talk about anymore.  We both change our minds every week it seems.  As much as we hate this town, we are just really in a good area and in our heart of hearts, we know it.  Maybe we don't like the "lifestyle" of the neighbors next to us, but if we move, who's to say we would get neighbors that were any better. At least this group, having lived next to them all these years, we sort of know what to expect and we're never surprised by anything that goes on over there. Frankly I just want this conversation to stop for now. We've already agreed and decided together that we will make NO decision at all until probably 2017.  But there I am, always online, looking at other houses, other cities, filling my Zillow account with "saved favorites".  I drive myself crazy with it, and probably J too because I'm always emailing him links to houses that are out of our reach- either physically because of location or financially because of price.  We talk about instead of moving, just buying a vacation home- a condo on the beach or a cabin in the mountains.  But I like the vacations that we take, I don't want to be locked into ONE location for the rest of my days simply because we put all our money into a second home.  A quiet cabin in the woods sounds like heaven and a great investment, but don't tell me I can't take my trip to Bermuda next year because of it.

So other than taking one of the cats Monday morning for his annual visit, I have nothing on the books this week other than getting ready to set up my booth this weekend.  I am not going to let myself get stressed about a single thing at all!  I am going to remind myself that even though I have tasks to accomplish this week, they are fun and simple and none of it is so important that I need to get in a tizzy over it.  No one out there cares if I don't make any new jewelry this week for the show.  Hell, J wouldn't even know if I did or didn't.  So yeah I've got a lot of stuff to do in the next few days, and yeah today I am having back spasms so bad it's all I can do to sit upright and sort through my newest beads.  But it's still a great day.  It was a great weekend with my husband.  It will be a great week.

I will post again shortly, I have something else on my mind.  Today I just wanted to keep it light.

MISS GEE

Short

I am coming off a bad few days, and I'm still trying to shake it all loose.  I really don't even want to blog today but I thought it might help unload some stuff.  I don't know why, I've had some anger well up inside of me lately.  No reason.  Nothing happened, nothing set me off, nothing at all.  My anger is like any of my other emotions, my depression, my anxiety.  It happens out of nowhere a lot.  It started last week and trailed me around over the weekend.  It's still sitting inside of me right now.  Nothing that I do has lessened its grip on me.  I'm not mad at anyone in particular, I'm not angry about any one thing.  It's just the feeling inside my chest.  It's overwhelming right now.

J's boss recognized that for the last seven weeks, he's worked six days a week and has only been home one day a week.  So he let J have off this last Monday and this coming Friday.  We were able to have a nice long weekend, where I was hoping we could relax and reconnect.  But he wanted to go drive the 250 miles to visit his family.  Normally I am okay with that, but for some reason I didn't really want to go this time.  I adore his family, even with all their ordinary human flaws.  Yet my head was in that bad space this visit.  Things annoyed me more than usual, and while I always keep my comments to myself, this weekend I pointed things out to J that bothered me about his sisters, his parents.  I was even slightly rude to his mother, although she deserved it for making some disgusting homophobic remarks. Not that J disagrees with me, but it's one thing for your husband to complain about his own family.  It's an entirely different animal when I do it.  J didn't seem to really notice my comments or attitude.  He could just tell I was in an ill mood and out of sorts. I apologized and just chalked it up to being tired, easy enough for him to understand because he was tired as well.  It's a long drive just for a short visit.

I had the stirrings of a migraine start on Sunday, then Monday I was at that stage where, if it got any worse I was going to be bedridden.  But it stopped just short of that level of pain.  Even so, I still had to ask to have lamps turned off and voices lowered.  Perhaps that is why my tolerance of everyone and everything is so very low right now.  I've even been irritated with my beloved cats, yelling at one for his constant meowing and pushing another one away when he kept jumping up in my lap.  You know it's a shitty day when you get mad at your sweet kitties for showing you affection.  Instead I simply felt smothered and overcome.

I'm glad I have a short "alone" week, with J only being gone for three days.  After that, it will be a few more weeks of him traveling Sunday through Friday.  I decided that for this week, I'm taking a break from trying to be the perfect housewife.  I spend every Friday cleaning the house from top to bottom and planning an extra special meal for J's return.  He certainly doesn't request or even expect that, but I keep trying.  This week I said screw it, I'm not even sure I will be up to vacuuming.  This weekend we have to go see his aunt and uncle who live about two hours away.  They ask us all the time to come and see them, and since he has Friday off we decided to go.  Being around them is not quite as stressful as being around his parents.

I've been trying to find distractions to get me outside of my head this week, but nothing is working.  Even pleasant tasks like reading or loading my kiln, have me desperately trying to find my breath, trying to settle my thoughts.  I am simply finding it difficult to focus on anything, to be present in the specific moment at hand.  I can't sit still or find peace.  I bounce my knee, I repeatedly sigh, I close my eyes to shut out the world for just a second.  I concentrate on the negative, not even seeing any of the positive.

When I'm home alone, I sometimes wish I had friends or family up the street I could spend time with.  When I have to be around people, I sometimes can't wait until I am all by myself again.  I miss J when he leaves.  I feel relief when he leaves.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm really just pissed off with myself, because I can't seem to get a handle on my stupid life.

I know I should be trying to figure out where the anger comes from, but this week it has me beat down, and I'm instead just burying my head in the sand waiting for it to subside.  Alas, I know it will return without warning soon.  Maybe I'll work on the issue the next time around.  This week, I just don't give a damn.

MISS GEE

Filling Negative Spaces

Well I'm back to my old stuck self this week.  I am feeling lost, and once again stumbling.  I don't want this to be my permanent modus operandi, but the wheels are spinning uselessly.

I think more than anything, I'm trying to get over the idea that I HAVE to be doing something at all waking hours of the day, for my life to have any meaning.  I just really have trouble with that concept, and letting it go.  Sure there are things I want to do, and goals I want to accomplish, but if I don't spend 14 hours a day working towards those things, am I a failure?

My head says yes, my heart says no.

More than ever, with J not coming home every night, I am putting pressure on myself.  You should see my dining room table right now.  It's covered.  Not just with one project, but three, and I'm multi-tasking so much that I am actually hating each thing that should instead be bringing me joy.  I have frustrated myself. I am trying to do so many things, that I'm not accomplishing anything at all.

Perhaps the biggest frustration is that I'm forcing myself to do things, not taking the time each project deserves.  I actually tore up some of my art today, because I was disgusted with the outcome.  What did I expect?  I was working on watercolors at the kitchen counter at the same time I was making my lunch. Seriously. What the hell was that all about?  No one can create a masterpiece with one hand on the paintbrush, the other hand holding a dish towel.  I've got to realize that I have the rest of my life to create just ONE masterpiece, and if that's all I ever do, then so be it.

Why am I in such a rush?  I am not on any timetable, I am the maker- and keeper- of my own schedule.  And do I really even need a schedule?  Why?  I have plenty of time, in fact that's pretty much all I have these days.  Why does every minute need to be crammed with an activity?

When I start to feel guilty in the mornings because I spend the first hour or two watching TV and having coffee, let it go!!  No one on this planet knows what the hell I'm doing at any given moment, unless I am posting it on social media.  No one knows or cares if I'm still in my pajamas at 10am, so let it go!  When J calls me from the road, he doesn't ask for a rundown of my day.  He asks how I am, did I have a nice day, how am I feeling.  If I tell him I'm having a wonderful day- and all I've done is sit in my bedroom chair and read- he does NOT care that's all I did for the afternoon.  I shouldn't care either.

Sure I'm like everyone else, I have certain commitments I have to attend to.  But I don't have to complete a gigantic to-do list every day to feel alive, to feel important.  I am already important- to myself, my husband, my friends, my family, my pets.  Even if all I ever did for the rest of my life, was spend every afternoon reading some old paperback, there is nothing wrong with that.

My anxiety levels have been high this week.  I have put pressure on myself to accomplish certain things.  No one else cares about the things on my list this week, but for some reason there is this little voice in my head telling me I'm a worthless sack of shit if I don't get them done.  Oh I will take care of the housewife duties like laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning.  And when J comes back on Friday he will be glad to see me, glad to be home, glad to eat whatever meal I cook him.  But the other duties I've dreamed up for myself- as an artist or writer or gardener or organizer or weight watcher or whatever- I've got to realize I can't be all those people and do all those things at one time, in one day.

I have to pick one task per week.  Yes, I said week.  Bouncing around from multiple projects hour to hour, day to day, has been ridiculous and has almost obliterated my muse, my creativity.  When the more pleasurable pursuits become too much like work, then what's the point?  I need to have one work area, and only the tools for that one project out for that week.  Right now I've got crap scattered all over.  I'm trying to paint and to journal and to work on my old manuscript, while trying to list new things on Etsy and organize my old magazines and work on my tan.

No one can be all things at all times.  I've got to slow down, to understand that life is not a race.  And even if it was, I've got more free time on my hands than anyone else I know.  If I want to spend those hours watching cooking shows all day, WHO CARES!  Relax.  Breathe deep.  Sit and be quiet.  And throw that damn to-do list away!

But I know how my screwed up brain works.  If I slow down this week, next week I will be on here whining about how lazy I've become...

MISS GEE

Empty Nest

I wanted to wait a bit of being home alone before I posted.  The first two weeks of my empty nest have been busy for me and the days flew by and J was home before I knew it.  This week, I have a few appointments to attend, but nothing big really on the books and it will be a truer version of "this is my life now".  I know I am going to have my blue moments, just like I always do, and it doesn't have anything to do with whether or not my husband is out of town.  They are going to happen.

And although I will miss my husband and my empty bed, I refuse to get bogged down in the negatives and the dark thoughts.  I will concentrate on all the positives this new job will bring- for J as a leader and a man who was ready for the change, and for us as a couple trying to build the foundation of our retirement.  Despite all my bad days, I have always supported J.  I know J misses being home, and I miss J being here.  But there really is no reason to be "sad", so I won't focus on that.  If I had asked him to not put in for that promotion, because I didn't want him to be gone, he would have never considered it.  But we're a team, it's not always about me.  What's good for J is good for me as well.

J's first travel assignment is in Wisconsin.  He has to work the night shift, and more than likely he'll have to go back there for the next 3 or more weeks.  Things are in a state of flux at that particular warehouse, with comings and goings, a brand new manager and another one about to be hired.  J is there to help guide the team and fill in for the missing members. Working night shift has meant leaving on Sunday morning and coming home Friday afternoon.  Makes for a short weekend for us, but that will be okay.  I told him it reminds me of the two plus years we dated before we got married.  Although we worked together, we didn't have time to see each other during the week.  We only spent from Friday evenings until Sunday afternoons together.  We survived it back then.

Of course, we still have a dark shadow hanging over us.  Awhile back I posted about another company buying us out.  That has yet to happen.  In fact, it's moving through the federal court system right now as to whether or not it's going to happen because the FTC is trying to block it.  J took this new corporate job knowing that, should the buyout happen, he could potentially have a much larger target on his back.  But everyone he talked to said the merger was unlikely to proceed at this point, and we are still crossing our fingers on that, awaiting word.  Not to say that J would absolutely lose his job, but we all know with corporate America when two mega-companies combine forces, they lay people off faster than a bolt of lightning.  Corporate jobs would likely be the first to go, and we're the smaller of the two companies so the bloodletting would come from our side.  Hopefully the deal will get squashed- for once I'm FOR the federal government butting into business! But J said he had to take this chance, this opportunity may never present itself again.  I don't think he regrets it. Having said that, I do believe he will be nervous and on edge until the final word from the court is handed down, and as I type this, the judge is making his decision.

I know it's going to be a lot for both of us to get used to.  But I know we both will.  And I know as long as I can stay busy with things that I enjoy, especially in the evening, I will continue to treat this new phase of our life together as a positive.  I might sound like a tired lazy lump on many of my posts, but I really do have so many things I want to work on, things I want to accomplish in my personal life.  I feel as though, with my 50th birthday approaching next year, it's a bit now or never for me at this point.  I don't have a career, I don't have children, it's just me here.  No one and nothing can stop me, unless it's ME getting in my own way.  I know sometimes, when the change is so huge and so overwhelming, it seems like it's indigestible.   But I know I just have to step back and take it in its entirety, to see the "big picture", and know that overall this is will lead us to an amazing future.

I will post again soon.

MISS GEE

Waiting For Changes

Not much new going on here, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.  The season marches towards summer a little bit more every day.  It's been in the 80's late in the day, but this morning it was only 61 so I had to shut off the AC and open the windows, at least until it becomes unbearable (I can take up to 75 degrees inside but that's my limit!).  Pretty soon fresh air will be just a distant memory once we hit June and July.  Growing up on the beach I didn't know anything BUT heat.  Still, in this area it doesn't get quite as hot, very few days in the 90's, so I'm happy with that.  Besides the fresh air, having the windows open fills the house with sounds. I've blogged oodles about the birds in my yard, and right now bird songs are being drowned out by the peeps and cheeps of hungry baby birds everywhere.  We have at least a dozen bird houses all over our property and they seem to stay occupied.  Our back deck seems to be a haven, and every morning we watch (and hear) the ritual of parents feeding fledglings.  Over coffee earlier today I was entranced by a purple finch daddy feeding two boisterous babies.  Once they flew off, a baby dove showed up with its parent.  This dove duo has been hanging out on the deck for about a week now, it's like mom is dropping him off at daycare and he sits in the shade of the chaise for a few hours while she goes off.  The baby blue birds seem to prefer perching up on our roofline and their noisy chirps drift down through the chimney and out the fireplace, then echo across my living room.  The deer in the backyard are so close to the house I can actually here them snorting and snuffling.  Out in the pine trees and oaks, the squirrels and jays are chattering and squawking at each other, fighting over corn and seed and the old bread scraps I toss out there to them.  The neighbor's dog has been barking nonstop since the school bus went by.  Another neighbor is busy with home improvements and I can hear saws and hammers working away.

I live on a cul-de-sac, and that's about it for sounds on our street.  Later on in the day, it will be airplanes overhead, a constant stream of them as we live right on a flight path for the world's busiest airport.  We live where the planes are coming in, and we can hear the whine and then whoosh of their engines shift down as they are descending. We're thirty minutes from the airport, but it's still an evening event seven days a week, the aerial traffic rush starting around 3pm and lasting until bedtime. I like to sit in the driveway and count the planes, sometimes there will be a dozen coming towards us in the sky at one time. Almost like the interstate.  I'm so used to it, I tune it out.  And finally, the garden here is coming awake.  I have mostly summer plants and summer bulbs, so spring is just plain greenery every year.  The first of my lilies bloomed this week, gigantic pink and white things with perfume so dense it will make you a bit weak if you get too close to them.

My Etsy shops are doing pretty good, and I've thought about opening up a third one.  I revamped my original shop and relaunched new products, and have made a few quick sales already.  My second shop, which is all my vintage and estate sale finds, has always done well but for a few months now I haven't listed anything new.  My goal this week is to take photos and get things online. I can't sell them if they aren't out there where the public can see them.  I am finding the vintage shop is just as viable as the pottery.  I confess I know nothing about antiques, I just know what I like, and so far my eye has been sharp.  J will always say I have expensive taste.  Not on purpose.  It just seems that what draws my attention  is quality.  I've had a couple of estate sale pieces lately that I paid one or two dollars for, and found online they are worth $40 or $50.  You can't argue with that!  I only know that I buy what I like, because I might get stuck with it.  I like old pottery or porcelain figurines, small plates and bowls, planters, things of that nature.  I've done well buying old kitchen tidbits as well- rolling pins, tin molds, utensils, glass measuring cups- items from the 50's are all the rage right now.  Sometimes I buy things knowing darn well I intend to keep them! J and I were supposed to set up at a huge antique and craft show this weekend, bigger than any show I've ever done, but last weekend he had an anxiety attack thinking about it- all the work and prep he still had to do, displays he had to build- and he admitted he didn't really want to do the show.  I said no problem, and it's really not.  We lost our deposit, but that's a small price to pay for the hubby's peace of mind.  Instead we're headed off to the mountains for the weekend, probably the last time for awhile.  Then the next weekend my parents will be here for 4-5 days for the holiday.  No plans, just hanging out, grilling out, playing cards.  My mom loves to work in my garden, my dad loves to putter in our garage with J.

J is in a bit of a holding pattern.  His new "job" started last Monday but he's still at his old office.  Every day he's been packing up his personal things and bringing them home.  Mostly it's all work stuff- notebooks and such that he will continue to use with his new position.  He thinks he will start the full time travel by June.  He has a conference call with his "new" boss today, so I'm sure that will be discussed.  So far he's just been doing his same old job with not much interaction with his new boss.  But it's been interesting, some people he has worked with these last 8 years are suddenly treating him like a leper.  I guess that is just jealousy- he's moving up and on, they are not.  He's had some of the supervisors under him say "No, I won't do this report, I don't work for you anymore."  Technically they are right! But it's like a little kid having a temper tantrum and telling daddy no I don't wanna.  I just can't imagine having one of your longtime employees look at you and so suddenly and flippantly say NO.  Wow.  He is letting it all go, but I think inside it's bugging him.  But in about two weeks it won't matter, he won't see them anymore.  The other day he was working on a project and one of his employees looked at him and said "Why do you even care, you don't work here anymore."  People seem to forget that he is not leaving the company, just taking a new position with the corporate office. Then again, most people are assholes anyhow, so it could just be that.

J is having self doubts about his decision.  Mostly I think he is a bit scared of the unknown and lacking confidence in himself.  He will be doing the same thing he does now, only at different warehouses every week and with different people.  Once the newness wears off I imagine it will be very routine and very much a job at which he will excel.  J is going to use this time to focus on new things.  He knows he will have more free time in the evenings, and he doesn't want to get into the routine of eating sloppy fast food, plopping down in front of the TV in the hotel room, and falling asleep at 8:30pm.  Exercise will be a priority.  He wants to start reading more each night, something he never allows himself to do unless we're on vacation.  J will get a $50 a day allowance for food, and he's already making plans to spend it at the grocery store instead of restaurants or the drive-thru.  He's like me, he knows what he should eat, but has problems resisting the more unhealthy temptations.  That's why we're both overweight.  For me, I plan to clear out the pantry and freezer of any garbage and get back on the right track.  And I'm hoping that once I can start eating dinner at 5:30 instead of 8:30 like we do now, I will see and feel a difference.  It's sad to think that we have to be apart for each of us to work on our weight and health and bad habits, but I think together we indulge each other too much.  If he says he wants ice cream, I will say okay honey, when I should be saying no that's terrible for your diabetes!  If I say let's order an appetizer, he will say sure whatever you want, when he should say no a burger and onion rings is enough we don't need fried pickles too.  But we always say "yes dear" to each other, and over the years it has shown up on our waistlines.

But after saying all of this, after sharing all these beautiful thoughts in these paragraphs about how great our life is, I still spend my afternoons struggling with my depression.  It comes in rolling waves, not the gentle ones at the beach that lap at your ankles, but the angry crashing kind that knock you off your feet- then drown you. Mostly it's still late in the afternoon, from about 3pm to 6pm.  I still can't find a trigger, and I may never figure it out.  I still think it's more physical than anything, that I'm running out of energy and the depression comes swooping in to swallow up my tired mind and aching body, and I'm so listless I can't fight it off.  Right now I'm mostly just trying to realize that's it okay - if I need to just stop whatever I'm doing, go sit on the couch and watch some mindless TV, then that's what I will do and I will stop feeling guilty about it.  It makes me wonder, once J starts traveling during the week, if I will still get this little time pocket of blue spells and brain pain every day.  It's hard for me to understand why I can have such a terrific life and still be so frigging sad and unhappy all the time.  It's like my head and heart are disconnected from the world going on around me.  It's like even though I have a clear path and good directions, I still end up getting lost.  And when you are alone, sometimes you feel like there is no one there to help find you.  You're on your own with that. No compass, map, GPS.

Normally I break out of my sinking moods around the time J is calling in the evening to say he's heading home in a bit, and I have to jump up and start fussing over the dinner prep.  Maybe those actions alone change my thinking pattern enough to pull me away from the darkness.  Then J is home and we talk or sit outside in lawn chairs or make weekend plans or just exist in the same room together, and I'm not having sad thoughts, I don't have that heaviness in my chest. But I won't have that now, so will I snap out of the afternoon doldrums on my own?  I do know the few times that J has traveled for work, he calls me, a lot. From the airport, from the car rental lot, from the hotel, any time he's in the car, before he goes to bed and right when he wakes up.  Lots of texts, emails, photos.  On a normal workday here, I never hear from him at all during the day, not even emails because he's so damn busy he can't breath.  Now he might actually have more time to talk to me!

For the rest of May we'll be in limbo, nothing really changing, nothing new happening.  Then June will finally see the household upended, perhaps for the next few years. We both are confident it was a good decision for J and his career, and a great decision for our future and retirement.

We definitely looked at the overall bigger picture on this, but we may find the day to day life tripping us up.

MISS GEE

Red

Out of all the emotions that humans experience, anger seems to be the one I suffer from the most.  It's getting better, a LOT better, but it's still something I must continue to work through.  The frustrating part is, I don't know where it all comes from.  I even have days when I drive angry, and boy you don't want to be that person in front of me doing 44 in a 45 zone.  In the past I used to laugh it off and just say, well I'm Italian so I have a hot temper.  A temper is one thing- you yell or blow up at something, then it passes.  Anger is another animal completely.  It lingers deep inside, hunkers down into dark crevices and builds a home there, living, feeding off you, chewing up anything good that comes into your soul.

Last Friday at my weekly support group meeting, a newer member spoke up about her anger issues and how badly she is struggling with trying to deal with it. She was sitting right beside me, hiding in the back row like I've always done for all these years.  Her anger was at her father, an abusive alcoholic.  He was dead, and she couldn't understand why she was still angry at him, and more than that she couldn't understand why she couldn't let that anger go.  She described how she would go pick up his urn from her bookshelf and shake his ashes, listening to his bone fragments rattle around.  If that isn't a powerful visualization of what anger is, I don't know what else could top that! After the meeting I sat and talked to her, shared my story of my abusive ex W and the torment of my first marriage, and told her I too was still dealing with anger stemming from a relationship that ended over a decade ago.  She asked me what I was angry about.  I tried to explain I was angry at him for ruining those years of my life, for treating me like he did, for making me feel like shit when I did nothing to deserve it. Mostly, I was still angry at myself for getting into the situation and not recognizing the warning signs.  They were there, from day one, but I didn't want to see any of them.

She seemed to take comfort in the fact that others out there were facing the same struggles.  Her issue was also equal parts anger at her abuser as well as herself.  I told her it's easy to forgive others, but when you are angry at yourself, that's the one that seems to linger the longest.  And I don't know why.  J has a difficult time understanding why I am still mad at my ex, why I just don't put the past where it belongs- behind me.  The first marriage ended without any drama, I will never ever see him again, and my life with J is magical and amazing.  Yet I still sometimes dwell on that evil first husband of mine. WHY?!  I guess if I could answer that, I would not be writing this post.  I do feel as though I've started to let some of it go.  I don't think about that time in my life as often as I used to.  I certainly don't think about him anymore.  But the anger is still there in me.

J is very very even-tempered.  He gets frustrated, but never angry, and he certainly doesn't hold grudges.  It's been hard for him to deal with his older sister, who is going through anger issues of her own, at their parents.  She doesn't want to talk about it, just says she's dealing with it, getting counseling, but in the meantime she still doesn't want to be around her parents.  The last few visits we've made there, she hasn't shown up, and that is unfortunate because while J and his other sister make efforts to gather the family, his older sister is missing out on it.  This weekend when we go for Mother's Day, an absolute annual trek, his older sister has already said she and her family will not be participating.  I feel bad for J, because when we visit his parents, that's the only opportunity to visit his sister as well.  And for the first time since I've been with J, she does not want to spend this holiday with the rest of the family.

I don't want my anger with my past to control any of my current situations.  I don't want to let my anger make me miss out on any happiness I may feel today.  I "understand" what my sister-in-law is going through, but I guess the difference is my anger is directed at someone who is no longer in my life and I will never see again.  Her issues are with her parents, who are still alive and well, living in the same town and very confused as to why their oldest daughter no longer wants to be in their life.  It's sad, but J just shrugs and says that it's her issues to deal with and he is going to continue to spend time with his parents and his other sister and her kids.  He knows he can't help his big sis, and she hasn't reached out to him.

I'm not saying no one should ever be angry.  It's a complicated emotion, but a relevant one as well.  I would never dismiss anyone for feeling it.  There are times when it's appropriate to feel anger- at human suffering, mistreatment of animals, the injustices in our world.  Anger sometimes propels you forward, launches ideas and movements to better the environment around you.  But anger should never be allowed to rob you of your life, your joy in today, and it shouldn't dictate your future.  It shouldn't hurt, you or others!  I read an article this morning that said anger usually stems from the perception that something has been taken from you.  I get that.  I get how I'm angry at W for wasting my younger years, taking away my self-esteem, crushing the dreams that I'd once had before I met him.  I get that J's sister is angry about things in her own childhood, how growing up in tough times on a farm with ultra-strict overly religious parents "robbed" her of a normal adolescence.

Mostly I think anger is a destructive force, an infectious disease.  I see how my sister-in-law's anger is upsetting the entire family.  J is distraught that she can't even give an hour on a Saturday evening to come see him when he's in town, simply because she doesn't want to be around her parents.  His other sister is frustrated as well, I could hear it in her voice on the phone this week while making Mother's Day plans with J.  Not only is their sister removing herself from the family, but now her grown children- and their children- are "siding" with her as well. Her issues with her parents have now spread to her kids not wanting to be around their grandparents who love them and dote on them.  And that is the real crime.  Grandparents in their late 70's, who won't be around much longer, are not spending their time with their cherished grandchildren.  Everyone is hurting and confused.  Even so, I do not discount the fact that my sister-in-law is in obvious pain and she has the right to feel that pain and anger.  I just hate the way it's become the main focus for the entire clan.

I see how my lingering anger sometimes spills over into my marriage with J because the old voices in my head still plague me, reminding me of the worst moments of my past.  J is not W. He never will be.  I'm in a safe place now.  Once upon a time, I used the anger to help make my decision to get away from the abuse.  But that's long over and will never happen again. For me anger is a vicious cycle, I actually find that I get angry at myself for being angry!  Then the anger causes the negative self-talk.  Why can't I let it go?  What is wrong with me?  I'm just acting stupid.  I'm overly dramatic.  Maybe my ex was right when he said I was worthless.  I must be flawed somehow, to hold so tightly to this old anger, not able to shake it off and lock it away in a box somewhere.

Anger should never paralyze you.  It should never prevent you from learning and growing and moving forward.  It should never keep you from being in the moment, pursuing healthy relationships.  Mostly it should never be directed at the ones you love- and that includes yourself! I will continue to work on this.

MISS GEE

It Keeps Spinning

I would love to post all about J's new job, but right now there is nothing newsworthy to tell.  Officially he "starts" his new position/new title/new salary on Monday.  But for the time being, he's staying put at his current office.  Corporate doesn't want to yank the rug out from under his team- there is no net in place yet to catch them when they fall, and they will.  Yesterday he was given the all clear to tell the managers who work under him about his promotion, and one of the guys actually started to cry.  I know J probably has haters working there, but for the most part I'm proud to say he is well-loved and respected by his crew. His move to corporate is still somewhat confidential and no major announcements were made.  So as of Monday, J will go to work at his old office, but his "boss" won't be his boss anymore!  It will be weird for a few weeks I think, then the dam will burst and he will pack up the office paraphernalia he's accumulated over the years- framed photos, awards, motivational posters, toys- and bring it all home.  Then he will have to get acclimated to packing up a suitcase, and the lounges at the airports and desks in the hotel rooms will be his new office.

Things are going pretty damn nicely around here.  Not just because of J's job, but that has helped bring a somewhat happy and light air to our household.  We're still in that phase of holding our breath together and waiting for all the good stuff to happen, because we are confident it will!  The weather is still unbelievably delightful here- still cool, 40's at night, 70's during the day.  I have still been able to leave the windows open throughout the house, the birds are still showing off for spring with their cacophony of songs and calls, and finally we have a bounty of flowers blooming just outside our door.  And I am feeling great.  I don't know why, but I'm not going to question it, and I'm not going to take it for granted because I know that come tomorrow things could change.  You know, any day when I can walk by my open front window and feel a cool breeze and see roses and bluebirds and sunlight glistening on damp green grass, how can it be anything but amazing and wonderful??

I just know that when I am having a period of GOOD MOODS, I have got to retrain my brain to take advantage of it.  Right now with J revamped and excited about his new prospects, I've been trying to concentrate on my own.  During the down periods of the last few months, I've let my Etsy shop become empty and frankly, I wasn't working on anything at all.  Art- even if it's not selling- still makes me feel as though I add some value to the world.  The creative process alone keeps me going some days, but I've kept my muse tied up in a dark closet somewhere lately.  The last few days I've been working again, on making things and listing items in my shop.  I've got a big two-day festival coming up in the middle of May, and although I've been dragging my feet on that as well, I've got to get myself focused and pointed in the right direction.  And after that, I've got to start moving!  I appreciate the fact that I have the kind of enviable life where true quiet and the elusive concept of stillness are always available to me.  But as the old saying goes- sometimes too much of even a good thing, is bad.

I'm going to keep the post short today.  I just want to go outside, get some sun on my face, and be part of the world.

MISS GEE

Retraction

Well this morning I have to "undo" my last post.  Friday J was offered the promotion, and today he will accept it officially with paperwork and announcements and all that fanfare.  We don't know when he would start, it may be a few weeks yet.  Since J has so many responsibilities at his current position, he has a lot of knowledge and duties to pass along, so he feels he needs some time to take care of that and not leave his team in a lurch.  He's not out to hurt anyone or screw anyone over- he is still with the company after all.

This weekend he voiced all his concerns and fears and self-doubts, but in the end, he knows this is what he wants.  19 years in with the company, and he still has the drive to keep moving up the ladder.  Any trepidation he has about this new promotion is just over the unknown, and that will ease in time.  We are happy and excited and scared and anxious all at once.

Along the same lines, this weekend marked my two year anniversary of leaving the same company after my much shorter (12 years) career there.  I've made some improvements to my life, but not as many as I had hoped I would.  But the key is to keep going forward.  I have already told myself that with J's new job and his soon-to-be travels, I will use all the new "me" time to continue on my journey.

Here's to hoping that this will be an exciting phase of our lives, and that the voyage will be positive!

MISS GEE

Crystal Ball

I wish I had one, so I could see my husband's future.  J went off to work today with his head hanging low.  He said he has no hope.  He said he doesn't know what he's going to do.

After waiting around for this last week, hoping to hear about his promotion, J found out that they are now starting the interview process all over again with new people.  For him, that's pretty much a red flag that he didn't get the job.  He is beyond down in the dumps.  This is the sixth time he's interviewed for a promotion.  The sixth time he hears all the right things- "you are the number one candidate!"- and the sixth time he's faced rejection.  He always takes it hard.  

I tell him not to take it personally, I'm sure it was a business decision.  But he said how can he not take it personally?  They are rejecting him- his career with the company, his desire to move up, his leadership abilities, his dedication.  The sad thing is, J really really does love his job and loves the company and loves what he does for a living.  He wants to continue with his career, he's just ready to take it to the next level before that creeping sensation of burn out catches up with him.  It's hot on his heels right now and it gets closer with every day, every week.

So these are the times where I'm at a loss.  When you are the one who always needs support, always needs to be lifted out of the doldrums- it can be a daunting task to figure out the best way to help someone else.  I support J in his decisions, and I support him with his plans for our future.  I try to contain my anger and support him when, like today he said he has to work until 9pm on a review board that his boss is supposed to be handling but is making J do it instead.

As for me personally, I am totally defensive about my husband.  As his wife, the only person who sees all the behind-the-scenes action in his life, I know there is no one else as deserving as he is for a promotion.  No one as qualified.  No one who has put in his dues like J has.  But I am biased, I know.  For every person who interviewed for this job, I am sure they had someone cheering them on from home.  I will always cheer for J, he is the most amazing man and husband in the world.  But I don't know how to make him feel better about his "work" persona.  I say the right things- I'm sorry, it's okay, it will happen one day.  But I know it doesn't help his mental state right now.  This morning all he could talk about is- "what did I do wrong?"  He starts to beat himself up over some imagined flaw, something he must have said wrong in the interview.

This morning I told him, we will speak no more about this promotion.  We will go on with our life together.  If by some miracle he gets a happy phone call in a few days, then it will be a nice surprise and we will celebrate it.  If not, then we carry on today as scheduled- trying to fit in a visitation for a friend's brother amid J's multiple review board cases. We will go on with our plans for the weekend- lots of yard work and finding someone to paint our house a new color. Monday morning he will get up and go to work as he does at the start of every week.  We will go on with our normal days and nights and love each other and that's that.  I told him, if he doesn't get this job, it's for a reason. Yes I know that's a cliche, but I believe it.  Things do happen for a reason, even though you may never ever find out what that reason was.

J knows that I love him, but in this situation there is nothing I can say or do to make him feel any better.  He knows I'm going to love him no matter what job he has or what company he works for.  But once he gets to the workplace and all hell breaks loose- which it seems to do more and more often these days- then I'm not so sure my unwavering love offers any real comfort in those moments of high stress and fatiguing long hours.

Normally I leave him alone during the day, knowing how busy he is.  But lately I've been trying to call him more often at work, at lunchtime when I know he's in his office for a brief few minutes, to let him know I am thinking about him and I love him.  Some days I can hear the stress and hurriedness in his voice, other days I hear the softness in his words that says he's happy to hear from me.  I just wish I could wave a wand and make all his troubles disappear, and grant him the recognition and future he so rightly deserves!

But I know J.  He will put on a good front, he will seem as though he is shaking it off and moving forward but I know better- I know it will eat him up on the inside for a long time as it always does.  But he will call me tomorrow afternoon in a tired yet glad-the-week-is-finally-over voice and say let's go to dinner and a movie Friday night.  Saturday we will go to the garden center and get mulch for the flower beds.  Sunday we will sleep in and spend the morning over coffee and the newspaper. And one day, he will put in for another promotion.  But no matter what goes on during the hours when J isn't at the house, our life together- our REAL life here at home- will never change. We both take comfort in the certainty of that future.

MISS GEE

Can I Let Go?

It's odd but I knew a week ago that I would be posting today.  You see, this afternoon J flies "out west" for a job interview.  It's the second interview, and apparently he impressed them enough on the first phone interview that the company is willing to cough up a grand to ship him across the country for a face to face meeting.  He will be home tomorrow around midnight.  Since we moved here in 2008, this will be the sixth time J has chased after a promotion.  This time he might actually get it.  At least he's being fed information- which could be total bullshit- that he's the front runner for the job.  And yes we're cautious because he's been told that before, only to find out he was passed over.  Again.  But this time it seems more serious, even I think he might get the job and I am always the pessimist.  The regional HR person even stepped in and did a mock interview with him, coaching him.

The job is not quite the promotion he really wants- but it's a position that's above what he does now, but below what he wants to ultimately do.  It would be a good stepping stone though.  If he gets this job, he will either love it and be invigorated and be happy to continue with it until retirement.  Or he will hate it and be stuck and looking for a way out.  It's a chance he is willing to take.  At this point, the way his current job is going, nothing else could make him quite as miserable.  J tries to just brush it off and act nonchalant- we've already been through this so many times before.  But I think he wants this opportunity, this job, more than he's willing to let on.  This morning his stomach hurt, fraught with nerves over a meeting still 24 hours away.

Last Friday is a perfect example of how ridiculously shitty his job has become.  I've mentioned that J is over the entire operations of his building- 400+ employees, five or six departments.  He has five managers that work under him, and about a dozen supervisors under them.  But J is over it all.  Day and night, weekday and weekend.  So Friday morning the phone rings at 4am.  Not unusual, we're used to the phone going off at all hours.  But this time it wasn't good news, problems with the overnight crew, and so J hopped up right away and shot off to work.  We had tickets to a basketball game in the city that night, not until 7:30pm, no worries.  A long day for J, but he would manage.  In the afternoon he called me several times to say, things are going to crap at work, he is feeling sick, and he doesn't think he can get out of work in time for the game so he's selling the tickets online.  

Then when I'm sitting at home wondering when he will be home for dinner, he calls to say more problems, and HE has to drive an hour south to meet a customer to pick up product the guy was accidentally given that actually belongs to another customer, then take it back to the warehouse.  Why J?  J is an executive making six figures.  Can't someone else do it??  But everyone else just went home at their normal time to their families, without giving a shit about anything that was going on at work, the "someone else will handle it" mentality.  Why?  Because J always comes to the rescue and everyone has depended on that for all these years, so no one else makes an effort.  So all of this running about for J, over five small boxes of items for one customer.  J finally made it to the house at 11pm, indeed sick with something, and he couldn't make it home in time.  He had puked all over his clothes, his shoes, his truck, all over the driveway outside.  Then he spent the entire weekend in bed.

If I sound angry, it's because I still am.  For all of J's unwavering work ethics and dedication and leadership skills, he has a very unassuming manner and is easily taken advantage of.  At least that's how I see it.  He sees it as just doing his job.

So, that is unfortunately NOT a once in a lifetime day at work for J.  Crap like that happens all the time.  And I am tired of him always being the one to step up and handle problems that other people create ("That's what I get paid for" he says), and I'm tired of him never ever getting so much as a thank you from anyone ("People don't know what I do behind the scenes and I don't advertise it" he shrugs) and I'm tired of work always cutting into our family time ("It's the job that pays for all our vacations and good times" he reminds me).  So that makes me even madder every time he puts in for a promotion and gets passed over, especially the last few times when it was an unproven newcomer hired from outside the company.  To say that I hope with all my heart that J finally finally finally gets his chance this time, is an understatement.

But the flipside to the promotion is- this is a traveling job.  Full time travel.  Every week, every day.  J would only be home for the weekends, and sometimes- if he has to stay in the same place- he may not even come home on the weekend.  Anyone who reads my blog knows that time with J is already at a minimum and very precious to me.  So how can I be okay with giving up even more of it?  Simple.  I love J.  And I want this for him.  And frankly I have this little devilish side that thinks his current cast of coworkers will simply be screwed if he leaves, because no one there can do what J does.  No one else has the knowledge, the drive, the motivation to do what he does.  Not his boss.  Not the managers J personally handpicked and trained.

This promotion would have J traveling all over the country, to the 60+ other warehouses, helping them out.  He would go wherever he was needed, north or south, east or west.  And J would be excellent at that, he is outstanding at solving problems, overcoming challenges, figuring out new ways of doing things- he actually enjoys it.  And since he's been with the company for almost 20 years, there's nothing about operations that he doesn't know.  But having said that, each warehouse sort of does their own thing, so J is interested in this job because he feels it will be as much of a learning experience for him, and he's ready for something new.  J really needs this, for his sanity, for his soul which is being sucked dry by his current situation.  This new position, he would not be tied down to any single warehouse.  In fact, he wouldn't even have an office anymore, so his current warehouse gang probably wouldn't ever see him again.  Which means on days where he didn't travel he would be at home, if there are ever days he doesn't travel.  (The guy who had the job before finally retired after a LONG time, but he also said he was tired of all the travel to the north during winters.)  Plus, we could live anywhere we want to, as long as J is near an airport. With no "office" to go to, we don't have to live in any specific town or state.

A lot of the talks we've had lately are all the fun "what if" things.  Like, I could sometimes travel with him.  Or we could finally move to Florida.  He would start earning enough points with the airlines and hotels and rental cars we could take free vacations.  Work would be paying for his weekday meals now, cutting down some of our costs.  He would still get his four weeks of vacation every year, his holidays off.  We can put our FaceTime app to good use. We did talk about the negatives, him being away from home.  I told him, the changes are greater for him than for me.  Sure, he won't be home at night, but I'll still be here in my comfort zone- on our old couch watching TV, cuddling with the cats, sleeping in our bed.  He's the one who will be living out of a hotel room week after week. We talked about him sticking to a diet and exercising while he's on the road, and me doing the same when he's not here.  We've pretty much talked it all out. We go through this every time he interviews for a job. Hopefully this time, it will be our reality instead of just talk.

I think it would take time to get used to it, but I will be okay with J traveling.  Knowing that we are almost 50 and this won't be forever.  Knowing that he's not going off to war.  Knowing that it's not for six months straight without seeing him.  Knowing that it's a positive thing, and not something he's forced into doing against his will.  Knowing that there could even be some fringe benefits.  Right now during the week, I get J's company for a few minutes in the morning as we have coffee, and at night he normally doesn't come home until 8pm now.  We eat a hurried dinner, watch a bit of TV, then go to bed at 10pm.  So really, how much time during the week do we have together?  Would I be selfish enough to say eating dinner with him Monday through Thursday night, is more important than him taking a chance on what could be his dream job?  I would never do that.  I haven't even told my parents yet, they will have a total freak out, their "baby girl" home by herself like some helpless chick left alone in the nest.  I am already home alone every day an average of 13 or more hours a day, so it's really not going to be much of a difference.  As a struggling artist, I  am finally learning to appreciate those quiet hours and use them wisely.

I will post more about this as soon as I know something solid.

MISS GEE