Strained

I've been wanting to post lately, but I'm going through one of my "down" spells. There are times in my life, that last a few weeks at a time, where it feels like everything goes wrong, everything hurts, everyone is out to get me, and life is just one overwhelming struggle.  My anxiety levels stay elevated, I get migraines, and I don't even take the time/effort to enjoy pleasurable pursuits like reading or making pottery.  I am SO lucky that I have a husband who never gets down, and who recognizes and accepts the fact that on some days- for no reason whatsoever- I just feel like a heavy weight is holding me down and I can't get out from under it. He loves me even on those days, but I can see it makes him sad too, and frustrated, because he feels powerless that he can't help me. Or, as J puts it, he is sorry he can't "make" me happy.

I am trying to shake it off, to start the new week off on the right note.  It's fall here now, the good kind of fall where you can wear your big fuzzy slippers and have a fire in the evenings, and the kitties swarm the bed to cuddle and keep you warm at night, and the dark-eyed juncos return to the feeders in the back yard.  I love fall and winter, I always feel reenergized and it's normally the happiest time of the year for me.  Not even because of the holidays, but because of the weather and the landscape and the cold fresh air.  I'm in the south, but I'm far enough north that it does get cold here, and freezes, and every year we have a few days of snow later on in the winter.  I love it!  This is the first week of real cold, so I'm hopeful that my moods will turn as well.  I even worked out in my flower beds today when I got home from work, and I haven't been out to tend my yard in probably two months or more.  It gave me a sense of accomplishment that I haven't had in awhile.

My in-laws came to visit last week, and believe it or not I adore them.  No mother-in-law jokes at my house.  They are wonderful people who raised an amazing son, who I was lucky enough to somehow woo and charm into my life nine years ago.  I always say when I married W, I married someone just like my mother- critical, negative, judgmental, and always has to be right to the point of arguing.  When I married J, I married a man just like my daddy- supportive, kind, patient, warm, loving, hard-working.  Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough to be with him, that he's on a much higher level than I am.  But then he will look at me and tell me, he's a better man for having me in his life.  And I know he means it from his heart.

J is going through some things himself right now, work things that, at the end of the day even though he tries not to bring it home, he does.  It's hard, since we both work at the same company.  When we sit down at the dinner table to discuss our day, we are talking about each other's co-workers, each other's business. But J is strong, he rarely lets the trials and strife of the day get to him, and he's always happy to get home to me and the kitties and our real life.  Even on days when I am too tired to make dinner.  Even on days when I am mopey.  Even on days when I'm sitting on the couch on a heating pad by the time he gets here. No matter what MY day and MY mood is, I can always count on J to come home to me and be glad about it.

MISS GEE