Short

I am coming off a bad few days, and I'm still trying to shake it all loose.  I really don't even want to blog today but I thought it might help unload some stuff.  I don't know why, I've had some anger well up inside of me lately.  No reason.  Nothing happened, nothing set me off, nothing at all.  My anger is like any of my other emotions, my depression, my anxiety.  It happens out of nowhere a lot.  It started last week and trailed me around over the weekend.  It's still sitting inside of me right now.  Nothing that I do has lessened its grip on me.  I'm not mad at anyone in particular, I'm not angry about any one thing.  It's just the feeling inside my chest.  It's overwhelming right now.

J's boss recognized that for the last seven weeks, he's worked six days a week and has only been home one day a week.  So he let J have off this last Monday and this coming Friday.  We were able to have a nice long weekend, where I was hoping we could relax and reconnect.  But he wanted to go drive the 250 miles to visit his family.  Normally I am okay with that, but for some reason I didn't really want to go this time.  I adore his family, even with all their ordinary human flaws.  Yet my head was in that bad space this visit.  Things annoyed me more than usual, and while I always keep my comments to myself, this weekend I pointed things out to J that bothered me about his sisters, his parents.  I was even slightly rude to his mother, although she deserved it for making some disgusting homophobic remarks. Not that J disagrees with me, but it's one thing for your husband to complain about his own family.  It's an entirely different animal when I do it.  J didn't seem to really notice my comments or attitude.  He could just tell I was in an ill mood and out of sorts. I apologized and just chalked it up to being tired, easy enough for him to understand because he was tired as well.  It's a long drive just for a short visit.

I had the stirrings of a migraine start on Sunday, then Monday I was at that stage where, if it got any worse I was going to be bedridden.  But it stopped just short of that level of pain.  Even so, I still had to ask to have lamps turned off and voices lowered.  Perhaps that is why my tolerance of everyone and everything is so very low right now.  I've even been irritated with my beloved cats, yelling at one for his constant meowing and pushing another one away when he kept jumping up in my lap.  You know it's a shitty day when you get mad at your sweet kitties for showing you affection.  Instead I simply felt smothered and overcome.

I'm glad I have a short "alone" week, with J only being gone for three days.  After that, it will be a few more weeks of him traveling Sunday through Friday.  I decided that for this week, I'm taking a break from trying to be the perfect housewife.  I spend every Friday cleaning the house from top to bottom and planning an extra special meal for J's return.  He certainly doesn't request or even expect that, but I keep trying.  This week I said screw it, I'm not even sure I will be up to vacuuming.  This weekend we have to go see his aunt and uncle who live about two hours away.  They ask us all the time to come and see them, and since he has Friday off we decided to go.  Being around them is not quite as stressful as being around his parents.

I've been trying to find distractions to get me outside of my head this week, but nothing is working.  Even pleasant tasks like reading or loading my kiln, have me desperately trying to find my breath, trying to settle my thoughts.  I am simply finding it difficult to focus on anything, to be present in the specific moment at hand.  I can't sit still or find peace.  I bounce my knee, I repeatedly sigh, I close my eyes to shut out the world for just a second.  I concentrate on the negative, not even seeing any of the positive.

When I'm home alone, I sometimes wish I had friends or family up the street I could spend time with.  When I have to be around people, I sometimes can't wait until I am all by myself again.  I miss J when he leaves.  I feel relief when he leaves.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm really just pissed off with myself, because I can't seem to get a handle on my stupid life.

I know I should be trying to figure out where the anger comes from, but this week it has me beat down, and I'm instead just burying my head in the sand waiting for it to subside.  Alas, I know it will return without warning soon.  Maybe I'll work on the issue the next time around.  This week, I just don't give a damn.

MISS GEE

Filling Negative Spaces

Well I'm back to my old stuck self this week.  I am feeling lost, and once again stumbling.  I don't want this to be my permanent modus operandi, but the wheels are spinning uselessly.

I think more than anything, I'm trying to get over the idea that I HAVE to be doing something at all waking hours of the day, for my life to have any meaning.  I just really have trouble with that concept, and letting it go.  Sure there are things I want to do, and goals I want to accomplish, but if I don't spend 14 hours a day working towards those things, am I a failure?

My head says yes, my heart says no.

More than ever, with J not coming home every night, I am putting pressure on myself.  You should see my dining room table right now.  It's covered.  Not just with one project, but three, and I'm multi-tasking so much that I am actually hating each thing that should instead be bringing me joy.  I have frustrated myself. I am trying to do so many things, that I'm not accomplishing anything at all.

Perhaps the biggest frustration is that I'm forcing myself to do things, not taking the time each project deserves.  I actually tore up some of my art today, because I was disgusted with the outcome.  What did I expect?  I was working on watercolors at the kitchen counter at the same time I was making my lunch. Seriously. What the hell was that all about?  No one can create a masterpiece with one hand on the paintbrush, the other hand holding a dish towel.  I've got to realize that I have the rest of my life to create just ONE masterpiece, and if that's all I ever do, then so be it.

Why am I in such a rush?  I am not on any timetable, I am the maker- and keeper- of my own schedule.  And do I really even need a schedule?  Why?  I have plenty of time, in fact that's pretty much all I have these days.  Why does every minute need to be crammed with an activity?

When I start to feel guilty in the mornings because I spend the first hour or two watching TV and having coffee, let it go!!  No one on this planet knows what the hell I'm doing at any given moment, unless I am posting it on social media.  No one knows or cares if I'm still in my pajamas at 10am, so let it go!  When J calls me from the road, he doesn't ask for a rundown of my day.  He asks how I am, did I have a nice day, how am I feeling.  If I tell him I'm having a wonderful day- and all I've done is sit in my bedroom chair and read- he does NOT care that's all I did for the afternoon.  I shouldn't care either.

Sure I'm like everyone else, I have certain commitments I have to attend to.  But I don't have to complete a gigantic to-do list every day to feel alive, to feel important.  I am already important- to myself, my husband, my friends, my family, my pets.  Even if all I ever did for the rest of my life, was spend every afternoon reading some old paperback, there is nothing wrong with that.

My anxiety levels have been high this week.  I have put pressure on myself to accomplish certain things.  No one else cares about the things on my list this week, but for some reason there is this little voice in my head telling me I'm a worthless sack of shit if I don't get them done.  Oh I will take care of the housewife duties like laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning.  And when J comes back on Friday he will be glad to see me, glad to be home, glad to eat whatever meal I cook him.  But the other duties I've dreamed up for myself- as an artist or writer or gardener or organizer or weight watcher or whatever- I've got to realize I can't be all those people and do all those things at one time, in one day.

I have to pick one task per week.  Yes, I said week.  Bouncing around from multiple projects hour to hour, day to day, has been ridiculous and has almost obliterated my muse, my creativity.  When the more pleasurable pursuits become too much like work, then what's the point?  I need to have one work area, and only the tools for that one project out for that week.  Right now I've got crap scattered all over.  I'm trying to paint and to journal and to work on my old manuscript, while trying to list new things on Etsy and organize my old magazines and work on my tan.

No one can be all things at all times.  I've got to slow down, to understand that life is not a race.  And even if it was, I've got more free time on my hands than anyone else I know.  If I want to spend those hours watching cooking shows all day, WHO CARES!  Relax.  Breathe deep.  Sit and be quiet.  And throw that damn to-do list away!

But I know how my screwed up brain works.  If I slow down this week, next week I will be on here whining about how lazy I've become...

MISS GEE

Empty Nest

I wanted to wait a bit of being home alone before I posted.  The first two weeks of my empty nest have been busy for me and the days flew by and J was home before I knew it.  This week, I have a few appointments to attend, but nothing big really on the books and it will be a truer version of "this is my life now".  I know I am going to have my blue moments, just like I always do, and it doesn't have anything to do with whether or not my husband is out of town.  They are going to happen.

And although I will miss my husband and my empty bed, I refuse to get bogged down in the negatives and the dark thoughts.  I will concentrate on all the positives this new job will bring- for J as a leader and a man who was ready for the change, and for us as a couple trying to build the foundation of our retirement.  Despite all my bad days, I have always supported J.  I know J misses being home, and I miss J being here.  But there really is no reason to be "sad", so I won't focus on that.  If I had asked him to not put in for that promotion, because I didn't want him to be gone, he would have never considered it.  But we're a team, it's not always about me.  What's good for J is good for me as well.

J's first travel assignment is in Wisconsin.  He has to work the night shift, and more than likely he'll have to go back there for the next 3 or more weeks.  Things are in a state of flux at that particular warehouse, with comings and goings, a brand new manager and another one about to be hired.  J is there to help guide the team and fill in for the missing members. Working night shift has meant leaving on Sunday morning and coming home Friday afternoon.  Makes for a short weekend for us, but that will be okay.  I told him it reminds me of the two plus years we dated before we got married.  Although we worked together, we didn't have time to see each other during the week.  We only spent from Friday evenings until Sunday afternoons together.  We survived it back then.

Of course, we still have a dark shadow hanging over us.  Awhile back I posted about another company buying us out.  That has yet to happen.  In fact, it's moving through the federal court system right now as to whether or not it's going to happen because the FTC is trying to block it.  J took this new corporate job knowing that, should the buyout happen, he could potentially have a much larger target on his back.  But everyone he talked to said the merger was unlikely to proceed at this point, and we are still crossing our fingers on that, awaiting word.  Not to say that J would absolutely lose his job, but we all know with corporate America when two mega-companies combine forces, they lay people off faster than a bolt of lightning.  Corporate jobs would likely be the first to go, and we're the smaller of the two companies so the bloodletting would come from our side.  Hopefully the deal will get squashed- for once I'm FOR the federal government butting into business! But J said he had to take this chance, this opportunity may never present itself again.  I don't think he regrets it. Having said that, I do believe he will be nervous and on edge until the final word from the court is handed down, and as I type this, the judge is making his decision.

I know it's going to be a lot for both of us to get used to.  But I know we both will.  And I know as long as I can stay busy with things that I enjoy, especially in the evening, I will continue to treat this new phase of our life together as a positive.  I might sound like a tired lazy lump on many of my posts, but I really do have so many things I want to work on, things I want to accomplish in my personal life.  I feel as though, with my 50th birthday approaching next year, it's a bit now or never for me at this point.  I don't have a career, I don't have children, it's just me here.  No one and nothing can stop me, unless it's ME getting in my own way.  I know sometimes, when the change is so huge and so overwhelming, it seems like it's indigestible.   But I know I just have to step back and take it in its entirety, to see the "big picture", and know that overall this is will lead us to an amazing future.

I will post again soon.

MISS GEE

Waiting For Changes

Not much new going on here, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.  The season marches towards summer a little bit more every day.  It's been in the 80's late in the day, but this morning it was only 61 so I had to shut off the AC and open the windows, at least until it becomes unbearable (I can take up to 75 degrees inside but that's my limit!).  Pretty soon fresh air will be just a distant memory once we hit June and July.  Growing up on the beach I didn't know anything BUT heat.  Still, in this area it doesn't get quite as hot, very few days in the 90's, so I'm happy with that.  Besides the fresh air, having the windows open fills the house with sounds. I've blogged oodles about the birds in my yard, and right now bird songs are being drowned out by the peeps and cheeps of hungry baby birds everywhere.  We have at least a dozen bird houses all over our property and they seem to stay occupied.  Our back deck seems to be a haven, and every morning we watch (and hear) the ritual of parents feeding fledglings.  Over coffee earlier today I was entranced by a purple finch daddy feeding two boisterous babies.  Once they flew off, a baby dove showed up with its parent.  This dove duo has been hanging out on the deck for about a week now, it's like mom is dropping him off at daycare and he sits in the shade of the chaise for a few hours while she goes off.  The baby blue birds seem to prefer perching up on our roofline and their noisy chirps drift down through the chimney and out the fireplace, then echo across my living room.  The deer in the backyard are so close to the house I can actually here them snorting and snuffling.  Out in the pine trees and oaks, the squirrels and jays are chattering and squawking at each other, fighting over corn and seed and the old bread scraps I toss out there to them.  The neighbor's dog has been barking nonstop since the school bus went by.  Another neighbor is busy with home improvements and I can hear saws and hammers working away.

I live on a cul-de-sac, and that's about it for sounds on our street.  Later on in the day, it will be airplanes overhead, a constant stream of them as we live right on a flight path for the world's busiest airport.  We live where the planes are coming in, and we can hear the whine and then whoosh of their engines shift down as they are descending. We're thirty minutes from the airport, but it's still an evening event seven days a week, the aerial traffic rush starting around 3pm and lasting until bedtime. I like to sit in the driveway and count the planes, sometimes there will be a dozen coming towards us in the sky at one time. Almost like the interstate.  I'm so used to it, I tune it out.  And finally, the garden here is coming awake.  I have mostly summer plants and summer bulbs, so spring is just plain greenery every year.  The first of my lilies bloomed this week, gigantic pink and white things with perfume so dense it will make you a bit weak if you get too close to them.

My Etsy shops are doing pretty good, and I've thought about opening up a third one.  I revamped my original shop and relaunched new products, and have made a few quick sales already.  My second shop, which is all my vintage and estate sale finds, has always done well but for a few months now I haven't listed anything new.  My goal this week is to take photos and get things online. I can't sell them if they aren't out there where the public can see them.  I am finding the vintage shop is just as viable as the pottery.  I confess I know nothing about antiques, I just know what I like, and so far my eye has been sharp.  J will always say I have expensive taste.  Not on purpose.  It just seems that what draws my attention  is quality.  I've had a couple of estate sale pieces lately that I paid one or two dollars for, and found online they are worth $40 or $50.  You can't argue with that!  I only know that I buy what I like, because I might get stuck with it.  I like old pottery or porcelain figurines, small plates and bowls, planters, things of that nature.  I've done well buying old kitchen tidbits as well- rolling pins, tin molds, utensils, glass measuring cups- items from the 50's are all the rage right now.  Sometimes I buy things knowing darn well I intend to keep them! J and I were supposed to set up at a huge antique and craft show this weekend, bigger than any show I've ever done, but last weekend he had an anxiety attack thinking about it- all the work and prep he still had to do, displays he had to build- and he admitted he didn't really want to do the show.  I said no problem, and it's really not.  We lost our deposit, but that's a small price to pay for the hubby's peace of mind.  Instead we're headed off to the mountains for the weekend, probably the last time for awhile.  Then the next weekend my parents will be here for 4-5 days for the holiday.  No plans, just hanging out, grilling out, playing cards.  My mom loves to work in my garden, my dad loves to putter in our garage with J.

J is in a bit of a holding pattern.  His new "job" started last Monday but he's still at his old office.  Every day he's been packing up his personal things and bringing them home.  Mostly it's all work stuff- notebooks and such that he will continue to use with his new position.  He thinks he will start the full time travel by June.  He has a conference call with his "new" boss today, so I'm sure that will be discussed.  So far he's just been doing his same old job with not much interaction with his new boss.  But it's been interesting, some people he has worked with these last 8 years are suddenly treating him like a leper.  I guess that is just jealousy- he's moving up and on, they are not.  He's had some of the supervisors under him say "No, I won't do this report, I don't work for you anymore."  Technically they are right! But it's like a little kid having a temper tantrum and telling daddy no I don't wanna.  I just can't imagine having one of your longtime employees look at you and so suddenly and flippantly say NO.  Wow.  He is letting it all go, but I think inside it's bugging him.  But in about two weeks it won't matter, he won't see them anymore.  The other day he was working on a project and one of his employees looked at him and said "Why do you even care, you don't work here anymore."  People seem to forget that he is not leaving the company, just taking a new position with the corporate office. Then again, most people are assholes anyhow, so it could just be that.

J is having self doubts about his decision.  Mostly I think he is a bit scared of the unknown and lacking confidence in himself.  He will be doing the same thing he does now, only at different warehouses every week and with different people.  Once the newness wears off I imagine it will be very routine and very much a job at which he will excel.  J is going to use this time to focus on new things.  He knows he will have more free time in the evenings, and he doesn't want to get into the routine of eating sloppy fast food, plopping down in front of the TV in the hotel room, and falling asleep at 8:30pm.  Exercise will be a priority.  He wants to start reading more each night, something he never allows himself to do unless we're on vacation.  J will get a $50 a day allowance for food, and he's already making plans to spend it at the grocery store instead of restaurants or the drive-thru.  He's like me, he knows what he should eat, but has problems resisting the more unhealthy temptations.  That's why we're both overweight.  For me, I plan to clear out the pantry and freezer of any garbage and get back on the right track.  And I'm hoping that once I can start eating dinner at 5:30 instead of 8:30 like we do now, I will see and feel a difference.  It's sad to think that we have to be apart for each of us to work on our weight and health and bad habits, but I think together we indulge each other too much.  If he says he wants ice cream, I will say okay honey, when I should be saying no that's terrible for your diabetes!  If I say let's order an appetizer, he will say sure whatever you want, when he should say no a burger and onion rings is enough we don't need fried pickles too.  But we always say "yes dear" to each other, and over the years it has shown up on our waistlines.

But after saying all of this, after sharing all these beautiful thoughts in these paragraphs about how great our life is, I still spend my afternoons struggling with my depression.  It comes in rolling waves, not the gentle ones at the beach that lap at your ankles, but the angry crashing kind that knock you off your feet- then drown you. Mostly it's still late in the afternoon, from about 3pm to 6pm.  I still can't find a trigger, and I may never figure it out.  I still think it's more physical than anything, that I'm running out of energy and the depression comes swooping in to swallow up my tired mind and aching body, and I'm so listless I can't fight it off.  Right now I'm mostly just trying to realize that's it okay - if I need to just stop whatever I'm doing, go sit on the couch and watch some mindless TV, then that's what I will do and I will stop feeling guilty about it.  It makes me wonder, once J starts traveling during the week, if I will still get this little time pocket of blue spells and brain pain every day.  It's hard for me to understand why I can have such a terrific life and still be so frigging sad and unhappy all the time.  It's like my head and heart are disconnected from the world going on around me.  It's like even though I have a clear path and good directions, I still end up getting lost.  And when you are alone, sometimes you feel like there is no one there to help find you.  You're on your own with that. No compass, map, GPS.

Normally I break out of my sinking moods around the time J is calling in the evening to say he's heading home in a bit, and I have to jump up and start fussing over the dinner prep.  Maybe those actions alone change my thinking pattern enough to pull me away from the darkness.  Then J is home and we talk or sit outside in lawn chairs or make weekend plans or just exist in the same room together, and I'm not having sad thoughts, I don't have that heaviness in my chest. But I won't have that now, so will I snap out of the afternoon doldrums on my own?  I do know the few times that J has traveled for work, he calls me, a lot. From the airport, from the car rental lot, from the hotel, any time he's in the car, before he goes to bed and right when he wakes up.  Lots of texts, emails, photos.  On a normal workday here, I never hear from him at all during the day, not even emails because he's so damn busy he can't breath.  Now he might actually have more time to talk to me!

For the rest of May we'll be in limbo, nothing really changing, nothing new happening.  Then June will finally see the household upended, perhaps for the next few years. We both are confident it was a good decision for J and his career, and a great decision for our future and retirement.

We definitely looked at the overall bigger picture on this, but we may find the day to day life tripping us up.

MISS GEE

Red

Out of all the emotions that humans experience, anger seems to be the one I suffer from the most.  It's getting better, a LOT better, but it's still something I must continue to work through.  The frustrating part is, I don't know where it all comes from.  I even have days when I drive angry, and boy you don't want to be that person in front of me doing 44 in a 45 zone.  In the past I used to laugh it off and just say, well I'm Italian so I have a hot temper.  A temper is one thing- you yell or blow up at something, then it passes.  Anger is another animal completely.  It lingers deep inside, hunkers down into dark crevices and builds a home there, living, feeding off you, chewing up anything good that comes into your soul.

Last Friday at my weekly support group meeting, a newer member spoke up about her anger issues and how badly she is struggling with trying to deal with it. She was sitting right beside me, hiding in the back row like I've always done for all these years.  Her anger was at her father, an abusive alcoholic.  He was dead, and she couldn't understand why she was still angry at him, and more than that she couldn't understand why she couldn't let that anger go.  She described how she would go pick up his urn from her bookshelf and shake his ashes, listening to his bone fragments rattle around.  If that isn't a powerful visualization of what anger is, I don't know what else could top that! After the meeting I sat and talked to her, shared my story of my abusive ex W and the torment of my first marriage, and told her I too was still dealing with anger stemming from a relationship that ended over a decade ago.  She asked me what I was angry about.  I tried to explain I was angry at him for ruining those years of my life, for treating me like he did, for making me feel like shit when I did nothing to deserve it. Mostly, I was still angry at myself for getting into the situation and not recognizing the warning signs.  They were there, from day one, but I didn't want to see any of them.

She seemed to take comfort in the fact that others out there were facing the same struggles.  Her issue was also equal parts anger at her abuser as well as herself.  I told her it's easy to forgive others, but when you are angry at yourself, that's the one that seems to linger the longest.  And I don't know why.  J has a difficult time understanding why I am still mad at my ex, why I just don't put the past where it belongs- behind me.  The first marriage ended without any drama, I will never ever see him again, and my life with J is magical and amazing.  Yet I still sometimes dwell on that evil first husband of mine. WHY?!  I guess if I could answer that, I would not be writing this post.  I do feel as though I've started to let some of it go.  I don't think about that time in my life as often as I used to.  I certainly don't think about him anymore.  But the anger is still there in me.

J is very very even-tempered.  He gets frustrated, but never angry, and he certainly doesn't hold grudges.  It's been hard for him to deal with his older sister, who is going through anger issues of her own, at their parents.  She doesn't want to talk about it, just says she's dealing with it, getting counseling, but in the meantime she still doesn't want to be around her parents.  The last few visits we've made there, she hasn't shown up, and that is unfortunate because while J and his other sister make efforts to gather the family, his older sister is missing out on it.  This weekend when we go for Mother's Day, an absolute annual trek, his older sister has already said she and her family will not be participating.  I feel bad for J, because when we visit his parents, that's the only opportunity to visit his sister as well.  And for the first time since I've been with J, she does not want to spend this holiday with the rest of the family.

I don't want my anger with my past to control any of my current situations.  I don't want to let my anger make me miss out on any happiness I may feel today.  I "understand" what my sister-in-law is going through, but I guess the difference is my anger is directed at someone who is no longer in my life and I will never see again.  Her issues are with her parents, who are still alive and well, living in the same town and very confused as to why their oldest daughter no longer wants to be in their life.  It's sad, but J just shrugs and says that it's her issues to deal with and he is going to continue to spend time with his parents and his other sister and her kids.  He knows he can't help his big sis, and she hasn't reached out to him.

I'm not saying no one should ever be angry.  It's a complicated emotion, but a relevant one as well.  I would never dismiss anyone for feeling it.  There are times when it's appropriate to feel anger- at human suffering, mistreatment of animals, the injustices in our world.  Anger sometimes propels you forward, launches ideas and movements to better the environment around you.  But anger should never be allowed to rob you of your life, your joy in today, and it shouldn't dictate your future.  It shouldn't hurt, you or others!  I read an article this morning that said anger usually stems from the perception that something has been taken from you.  I get that.  I get how I'm angry at W for wasting my younger years, taking away my self-esteem, crushing the dreams that I'd once had before I met him.  I get that J's sister is angry about things in her own childhood, how growing up in tough times on a farm with ultra-strict overly religious parents "robbed" her of a normal adolescence.

Mostly I think anger is a destructive force, an infectious disease.  I see how my sister-in-law's anger is upsetting the entire family.  J is distraught that she can't even give an hour on a Saturday evening to come see him when he's in town, simply because she doesn't want to be around her parents.  His other sister is frustrated as well, I could hear it in her voice on the phone this week while making Mother's Day plans with J.  Not only is their sister removing herself from the family, but now her grown children- and their children- are "siding" with her as well. Her issues with her parents have now spread to her kids not wanting to be around their grandparents who love them and dote on them.  And that is the real crime.  Grandparents in their late 70's, who won't be around much longer, are not spending their time with their cherished grandchildren.  Everyone is hurting and confused.  Even so, I do not discount the fact that my sister-in-law is in obvious pain and she has the right to feel that pain and anger.  I just hate the way it's become the main focus for the entire clan.

I see how my lingering anger sometimes spills over into my marriage with J because the old voices in my head still plague me, reminding me of the worst moments of my past.  J is not W. He never will be.  I'm in a safe place now.  Once upon a time, I used the anger to help make my decision to get away from the abuse.  But that's long over and will never happen again. For me anger is a vicious cycle, I actually find that I get angry at myself for being angry!  Then the anger causes the negative self-talk.  Why can't I let it go?  What is wrong with me?  I'm just acting stupid.  I'm overly dramatic.  Maybe my ex was right when he said I was worthless.  I must be flawed somehow, to hold so tightly to this old anger, not able to shake it off and lock it away in a box somewhere.

Anger should never paralyze you.  It should never prevent you from learning and growing and moving forward.  It should never keep you from being in the moment, pursuing healthy relationships.  Mostly it should never be directed at the ones you love- and that includes yourself! I will continue to work on this.

MISS GEE

It Keeps Spinning

I would love to post all about J's new job, but right now there is nothing newsworthy to tell.  Officially he "starts" his new position/new title/new salary on Monday.  But for the time being, he's staying put at his current office.  Corporate doesn't want to yank the rug out from under his team- there is no net in place yet to catch them when they fall, and they will.  Yesterday he was given the all clear to tell the managers who work under him about his promotion, and one of the guys actually started to cry.  I know J probably has haters working there, but for the most part I'm proud to say he is well-loved and respected by his crew. His move to corporate is still somewhat confidential and no major announcements were made.  So as of Monday, J will go to work at his old office, but his "boss" won't be his boss anymore!  It will be weird for a few weeks I think, then the dam will burst and he will pack up the office paraphernalia he's accumulated over the years- framed photos, awards, motivational posters, toys- and bring it all home.  Then he will have to get acclimated to packing up a suitcase, and the lounges at the airports and desks in the hotel rooms will be his new office.

Things are going pretty damn nicely around here.  Not just because of J's job, but that has helped bring a somewhat happy and light air to our household.  We're still in that phase of holding our breath together and waiting for all the good stuff to happen, because we are confident it will!  The weather is still unbelievably delightful here- still cool, 40's at night, 70's during the day.  I have still been able to leave the windows open throughout the house, the birds are still showing off for spring with their cacophony of songs and calls, and finally we have a bounty of flowers blooming just outside our door.  And I am feeling great.  I don't know why, but I'm not going to question it, and I'm not going to take it for granted because I know that come tomorrow things could change.  You know, any day when I can walk by my open front window and feel a cool breeze and see roses and bluebirds and sunlight glistening on damp green grass, how can it be anything but amazing and wonderful??

I just know that when I am having a period of GOOD MOODS, I have got to retrain my brain to take advantage of it.  Right now with J revamped and excited about his new prospects, I've been trying to concentrate on my own.  During the down periods of the last few months, I've let my Etsy shop become empty and frankly, I wasn't working on anything at all.  Art- even if it's not selling- still makes me feel as though I add some value to the world.  The creative process alone keeps me going some days, but I've kept my muse tied up in a dark closet somewhere lately.  The last few days I've been working again, on making things and listing items in my shop.  I've got a big two-day festival coming up in the middle of May, and although I've been dragging my feet on that as well, I've got to get myself focused and pointed in the right direction.  And after that, I've got to start moving!  I appreciate the fact that I have the kind of enviable life where true quiet and the elusive concept of stillness are always available to me.  But as the old saying goes- sometimes too much of even a good thing, is bad.

I'm going to keep the post short today.  I just want to go outside, get some sun on my face, and be part of the world.

MISS GEE

Retraction

Well this morning I have to "undo" my last post.  Friday J was offered the promotion, and today he will accept it officially with paperwork and announcements and all that fanfare.  We don't know when he would start, it may be a few weeks yet.  Since J has so many responsibilities at his current position, he has a lot of knowledge and duties to pass along, so he feels he needs some time to take care of that and not leave his team in a lurch.  He's not out to hurt anyone or screw anyone over- he is still with the company after all.

This weekend he voiced all his concerns and fears and self-doubts, but in the end, he knows this is what he wants.  19 years in with the company, and he still has the drive to keep moving up the ladder.  Any trepidation he has about this new promotion is just over the unknown, and that will ease in time.  We are happy and excited and scared and anxious all at once.

Along the same lines, this weekend marked my two year anniversary of leaving the same company after my much shorter (12 years) career there.  I've made some improvements to my life, but not as many as I had hoped I would.  But the key is to keep going forward.  I have already told myself that with J's new job and his soon-to-be travels, I will use all the new "me" time to continue on my journey.

Here's to hoping that this will be an exciting phase of our lives, and that the voyage will be positive!

MISS GEE

Crystal Ball

I wish I had one, so I could see my husband's future.  J went off to work today with his head hanging low.  He said he has no hope.  He said he doesn't know what he's going to do.

After waiting around for this last week, hoping to hear about his promotion, J found out that they are now starting the interview process all over again with new people.  For him, that's pretty much a red flag that he didn't get the job.  He is beyond down in the dumps.  This is the sixth time he's interviewed for a promotion.  The sixth time he hears all the right things- "you are the number one candidate!"- and the sixth time he's faced rejection.  He always takes it hard.  

I tell him not to take it personally, I'm sure it was a business decision.  But he said how can he not take it personally?  They are rejecting him- his career with the company, his desire to move up, his leadership abilities, his dedication.  The sad thing is, J really really does love his job and loves the company and loves what he does for a living.  He wants to continue with his career, he's just ready to take it to the next level before that creeping sensation of burn out catches up with him.  It's hot on his heels right now and it gets closer with every day, every week.

So these are the times where I'm at a loss.  When you are the one who always needs support, always needs to be lifted out of the doldrums- it can be a daunting task to figure out the best way to help someone else.  I support J in his decisions, and I support him with his plans for our future.  I try to contain my anger and support him when, like today he said he has to work until 9pm on a review board that his boss is supposed to be handling but is making J do it instead.

As for me personally, I am totally defensive about my husband.  As his wife, the only person who sees all the behind-the-scenes action in his life, I know there is no one else as deserving as he is for a promotion.  No one as qualified.  No one who has put in his dues like J has.  But I am biased, I know.  For every person who interviewed for this job, I am sure they had someone cheering them on from home.  I will always cheer for J, he is the most amazing man and husband in the world.  But I don't know how to make him feel better about his "work" persona.  I say the right things- I'm sorry, it's okay, it will happen one day.  But I know it doesn't help his mental state right now.  This morning all he could talk about is- "what did I do wrong?"  He starts to beat himself up over some imagined flaw, something he must have said wrong in the interview.

This morning I told him, we will speak no more about this promotion.  We will go on with our life together.  If by some miracle he gets a happy phone call in a few days, then it will be a nice surprise and we will celebrate it.  If not, then we carry on today as scheduled- trying to fit in a visitation for a friend's brother amid J's multiple review board cases. We will go on with our plans for the weekend- lots of yard work and finding someone to paint our house a new color. Monday morning he will get up and go to work as he does at the start of every week.  We will go on with our normal days and nights and love each other and that's that.  I told him, if he doesn't get this job, it's for a reason. Yes I know that's a cliche, but I believe it.  Things do happen for a reason, even though you may never ever find out what that reason was.

J knows that I love him, but in this situation there is nothing I can say or do to make him feel any better.  He knows I'm going to love him no matter what job he has or what company he works for.  But once he gets to the workplace and all hell breaks loose- which it seems to do more and more often these days- then I'm not so sure my unwavering love offers any real comfort in those moments of high stress and fatiguing long hours.

Normally I leave him alone during the day, knowing how busy he is.  But lately I've been trying to call him more often at work, at lunchtime when I know he's in his office for a brief few minutes, to let him know I am thinking about him and I love him.  Some days I can hear the stress and hurriedness in his voice, other days I hear the softness in his words that says he's happy to hear from me.  I just wish I could wave a wand and make all his troubles disappear, and grant him the recognition and future he so rightly deserves!

But I know J.  He will put on a good front, he will seem as though he is shaking it off and moving forward but I know better- I know it will eat him up on the inside for a long time as it always does.  But he will call me tomorrow afternoon in a tired yet glad-the-week-is-finally-over voice and say let's go to dinner and a movie Friday night.  Saturday we will go to the garden center and get mulch for the flower beds.  Sunday we will sleep in and spend the morning over coffee and the newspaper. And one day, he will put in for another promotion.  But no matter what goes on during the hours when J isn't at the house, our life together- our REAL life here at home- will never change. We both take comfort in the certainty of that future.

MISS GEE

Can I Let Go?

It's odd but I knew a week ago that I would be posting today.  You see, this afternoon J flies "out west" for a job interview.  It's the second interview, and apparently he impressed them enough on the first phone interview that the company is willing to cough up a grand to ship him across the country for a face to face meeting.  He will be home tomorrow around midnight.  Since we moved here in 2008, this will be the sixth time J has chased after a promotion.  This time he might actually get it.  At least he's being fed information- which could be total bullshit- that he's the front runner for the job.  And yes we're cautious because he's been told that before, only to find out he was passed over.  Again.  But this time it seems more serious, even I think he might get the job and I am always the pessimist.  The regional HR person even stepped in and did a mock interview with him, coaching him.

The job is not quite the promotion he really wants- but it's a position that's above what he does now, but below what he wants to ultimately do.  It would be a good stepping stone though.  If he gets this job, he will either love it and be invigorated and be happy to continue with it until retirement.  Or he will hate it and be stuck and looking for a way out.  It's a chance he is willing to take.  At this point, the way his current job is going, nothing else could make him quite as miserable.  J tries to just brush it off and act nonchalant- we've already been through this so many times before.  But I think he wants this opportunity, this job, more than he's willing to let on.  This morning his stomach hurt, fraught with nerves over a meeting still 24 hours away.

Last Friday is a perfect example of how ridiculously shitty his job has become.  I've mentioned that J is over the entire operations of his building- 400+ employees, five or six departments.  He has five managers that work under him, and about a dozen supervisors under them.  But J is over it all.  Day and night, weekday and weekend.  So Friday morning the phone rings at 4am.  Not unusual, we're used to the phone going off at all hours.  But this time it wasn't good news, problems with the overnight crew, and so J hopped up right away and shot off to work.  We had tickets to a basketball game in the city that night, not until 7:30pm, no worries.  A long day for J, but he would manage.  In the afternoon he called me several times to say, things are going to crap at work, he is feeling sick, and he doesn't think he can get out of work in time for the game so he's selling the tickets online.  

Then when I'm sitting at home wondering when he will be home for dinner, he calls to say more problems, and HE has to drive an hour south to meet a customer to pick up product the guy was accidentally given that actually belongs to another customer, then take it back to the warehouse.  Why J?  J is an executive making six figures.  Can't someone else do it??  But everyone else just went home at their normal time to their families, without giving a shit about anything that was going on at work, the "someone else will handle it" mentality.  Why?  Because J always comes to the rescue and everyone has depended on that for all these years, so no one else makes an effort.  So all of this running about for J, over five small boxes of items for one customer.  J finally made it to the house at 11pm, indeed sick with something, and he couldn't make it home in time.  He had puked all over his clothes, his shoes, his truck, all over the driveway outside.  Then he spent the entire weekend in bed.

If I sound angry, it's because I still am.  For all of J's unwavering work ethics and dedication and leadership skills, he has a very unassuming manner and is easily taken advantage of.  At least that's how I see it.  He sees it as just doing his job.

So, that is unfortunately NOT a once in a lifetime day at work for J.  Crap like that happens all the time.  And I am tired of him always being the one to step up and handle problems that other people create ("That's what I get paid for" he says), and I'm tired of him never ever getting so much as a thank you from anyone ("People don't know what I do behind the scenes and I don't advertise it" he shrugs) and I'm tired of work always cutting into our family time ("It's the job that pays for all our vacations and good times" he reminds me).  So that makes me even madder every time he puts in for a promotion and gets passed over, especially the last few times when it was an unproven newcomer hired from outside the company.  To say that I hope with all my heart that J finally finally finally gets his chance this time, is an understatement.

But the flipside to the promotion is- this is a traveling job.  Full time travel.  Every week, every day.  J would only be home for the weekends, and sometimes- if he has to stay in the same place- he may not even come home on the weekend.  Anyone who reads my blog knows that time with J is already at a minimum and very precious to me.  So how can I be okay with giving up even more of it?  Simple.  I love J.  And I want this for him.  And frankly I have this little devilish side that thinks his current cast of coworkers will simply be screwed if he leaves, because no one there can do what J does.  No one else has the knowledge, the drive, the motivation to do what he does.  Not his boss.  Not the managers J personally handpicked and trained.

This promotion would have J traveling all over the country, to the 60+ other warehouses, helping them out.  He would go wherever he was needed, north or south, east or west.  And J would be excellent at that, he is outstanding at solving problems, overcoming challenges, figuring out new ways of doing things- he actually enjoys it.  And since he's been with the company for almost 20 years, there's nothing about operations that he doesn't know.  But having said that, each warehouse sort of does their own thing, so J is interested in this job because he feels it will be as much of a learning experience for him, and he's ready for something new.  J really needs this, for his sanity, for his soul which is being sucked dry by his current situation.  This new position, he would not be tied down to any single warehouse.  In fact, he wouldn't even have an office anymore, so his current warehouse gang probably wouldn't ever see him again.  Which means on days where he didn't travel he would be at home, if there are ever days he doesn't travel.  (The guy who had the job before finally retired after a LONG time, but he also said he was tired of all the travel to the north during winters.)  Plus, we could live anywhere we want to, as long as J is near an airport. With no "office" to go to, we don't have to live in any specific town or state.

A lot of the talks we've had lately are all the fun "what if" things.  Like, I could sometimes travel with him.  Or we could finally move to Florida.  He would start earning enough points with the airlines and hotels and rental cars we could take free vacations.  Work would be paying for his weekday meals now, cutting down some of our costs.  He would still get his four weeks of vacation every year, his holidays off.  We can put our FaceTime app to good use. We did talk about the negatives, him being away from home.  I told him, the changes are greater for him than for me.  Sure, he won't be home at night, but I'll still be here in my comfort zone- on our old couch watching TV, cuddling with the cats, sleeping in our bed.  He's the one who will be living out of a hotel room week after week. We talked about him sticking to a diet and exercising while he's on the road, and me doing the same when he's not here.  We've pretty much talked it all out. We go through this every time he interviews for a job. Hopefully this time, it will be our reality instead of just talk.

I think it would take time to get used to it, but I will be okay with J traveling.  Knowing that we are almost 50 and this won't be forever.  Knowing that he's not going off to war.  Knowing that it's not for six months straight without seeing him.  Knowing that it's a positive thing, and not something he's forced into doing against his will.  Knowing that there could even be some fringe benefits.  Right now during the week, I get J's company for a few minutes in the morning as we have coffee, and at night he normally doesn't come home until 8pm now.  We eat a hurried dinner, watch a bit of TV, then go to bed at 10pm.  So really, how much time during the week do we have together?  Would I be selfish enough to say eating dinner with him Monday through Thursday night, is more important than him taking a chance on what could be his dream job?  I would never do that.  I haven't even told my parents yet, they will have a total freak out, their "baby girl" home by herself like some helpless chick left alone in the nest.  I am already home alone every day an average of 13 or more hours a day, so it's really not going to be much of a difference.  As a struggling artist, I  am finally learning to appreciate those quiet hours and use them wisely.

I will post more about this as soon as I know something solid.

MISS GEE

Getting Along

The other day my sister-in-law came to stay with us for a few days.  She is a terrific spirit, a go-getter, and one of the happiest people I've ever met.  I do know she's lonely, but she keeps up appearances for the sake of her two teenage children.  She's divorced from her first husband, and her second husband made her a young widow.  She just recently broke away from the man she had been dating for awhile- he had proposed and she just didn't want the relationship to head in that direction, and the awkwardness of the rejection got in the way.  At lunch one afternoon, she asked J and I if we fought much.  We both looked at each other and said, never.  And that's true.  I told my sister-in-law that I spent my first marriage locked in mortal combat almost daily, and I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life with J that way.

Sure J and I disagree on things, but it never escalates, it rarely amounts to anything much.  I find that the few times we squabble, it's because one (or both) of us is tired or cranky or not feeling well.  It's not an argument so much as it is a subtle statement that "I'm in an ill mood right now, I really don't feel like having this discussion."  With W, even the nightly question of "what do you want to watch on TV?" could turn into an ugly, vicious attack and a nasty bout of screaming and name-calling.  It was a constant nightmare with the ex, we couldn't discuss anything, we couldn't agree on anything, we couldn't make plans together.  We couldn't even agree on pizza toppings.  That man disagreed with me just for the sake of disagreeing.

I don't know why J and I don't fight.  Perhaps it's our age.  I am certainly 1000 times more mature than I was 25 years ago when I was entering into my relationship with W.  I am sure J, who married his first wife when he was barely 20, is an entirely different man now.  Meeting as middle-age divorced people, you've already made all your mistakes and have hopefully learned from them.  I know I did.  When I met J, I already knew what I didn't want in a man and I knew what I wasn't willing to put up with.

J and I aren't boring robots.  We have completely opposite views on the big issues like politics and religion.  We have different preferences on the small things like music tastes, sports teams, and yes even pizza toppings. But none of that is crucial enough to argue over.  None of that matters enough to engage in battle with each other.  We discuss things rationally as adults, listen to each other, recognize and appreciate that we are different people who make a fantastic couple, and move on.  We know we won't ever agree on certain things  (I will never like pepperoni!), but our marriage and our relationship is more important than anything else. Who cares that when we go to vote for the president, we cancel out each other's choice?  We've learned to laugh about it.  He is one party, I am another, and that's how it will always be.  I don't want to change his mind and make him agree with me, that is ridiculous.

We've had one or two major blow-ups, but they were very early in our relationship and I think we weren't as comfortable in the marriage yet.  I look back on those few moments now and think, wow, I was a jackass, why did I make such a big deal out of that?  I remember how I felt during and after those arguments. Confrontation and strife do not bring two people closer together.  Browbeating your partner into agreeing with you is foolish and absurd and frankly dangerous to maintaining a calm, balanced future with one another.

For me, arguing wastes time and energy, hurts feelings, destroys your sense of security and trust.  It eats away at your peace and bond as a couple.  And compromise is not a dirty word.  It's an art.  It takes a lot of work and understanding and love for people to find a solution that makes both parties feel satisfied. Sometimes your partner is the one who gets to be 80% happy with the decision- you have to be good with the other 20% this time and be happy for his happiness.  Next time, it may be your partner who gets the short end of the straw, but know that he will be happy because he loves you and is okay with you being the winner in this round.  Resentment is an ugly monster that has NO place in a marriage.  Learning to calmly discuss the small things- like where to go on vacation- translates to harmony on the big things- like where to buy your next house.

Forgiveness and acceptance are also important.  Not the "I'm sorry" type of forgiveness but just a general give and take on things, the realization that we may have opposite opinions but it's all equal and valid.  You need to accept that your partner really really really doesn't share your opinion or doesn't agree with your decision, and YOU have to be okay with that and move on.  Your spouse doesn't have to agree with you on all things!  It's not the end of the world.  If your husband picks a movie you don't really want to go see, or wants Mexican when you're in the mood for Italian, is it really that big of a deal???

Go, do, enjoy, and you can pick the movie or restaurant next weekend!  Let it go, don't sit and stew over it and let it fester. Don't pout. Don't exaggerate the situation and think "I never get my way!" If you are truly dedicated to the relationship, you understand boundaries, and you know there are certain lines you just can't cross.  So don't!  Twenty years ago, W would have called me a selfish bitch and I would have called him an asshole, and we wouldn't have gone out to eat anywhere at all.  Picking apart the other person is childish.  Revel in your differences.  Don't use them against your partner.  You are a couple, but YOU are also independent and an individual.  Guess what?  So is your partner! This is how it should be.

The reason my sister-in-law was in town in the first place, was because J had a function in the city he wanted to attend.  It concerned one of those bigger subject matters that he and I just don't agree on.  I wouldn't budge- he respected that and didn't try to coerce me into doing something I truly didn't want to do. So he said he wouldn't go, but that's not what I wanted for him.  I didn't want to attend, but I didn't want him to miss out on something he was excited about. He would have preferred that I go with him, but in the end, we compromised.  He wanted to go, I didn't.  But I wasn't going to tell him not to go, and he wasn't going to force me to accompany him.  Instead we agreed to invite his sister to visit us so that she could go with  him.  She was delighted, they had a nice evening together, and we all had a great weekend.  Everyone was happy, everyone "got their way" in the end.  No one was hurt or sad or disappointed or angry.  No resentment.  That's how it should always be.

We didn't argue or fight about it.  It was just one moment, a few hours out of our long life together.  There is always a solution, just work together to find it instead of letting it turn into a quarrel!

MISS GEE

Seasonal Blues

Spring has cropped up all over the place here.  Everything is budding and blooming.  But we're not quite there.  Nights still drop down into the 40's and 30's. Days shoot up towards the 70's.  In the mornings the heat kicks on and I bundle up in front of the fireplace.  The afternoons find me stripping down to summer clothes and turning on all the ceiling fans.  At night J comes home and complains that he is cold.  His half of the bed has an extra blanket on top of the comforter and sheets.  Me?  I fling everything off at night because I'm sweating.  The small fan turned to high on my nightstand does little to help.

I very much have a love/hate relationship with this season of renewal and rebirth.  My favorite time of year- winter- is on its way out.  Soon my dreaded enemy- summer- will be at my front door.  Spring for me is a reminder of all my worst flaws and bad habits.  I think I love winter so much because it's an acceptable excuse to be lazy and moody and a motionless sack.  In summer, everyone expects you to be tan and upbeat and energetic and at your best.  I never am.  So I love spring for all its beauty, but I shrink from what it foreshadows.

Spring does have its moments, like this afternoon.  After a few days of torrential rains, today is sunny and warm with bright blue skies.  Even though my first instinct is to always stay safely tucked away inside the house, I take a stroll in the neighborhood, then I make myself go out onto the deck with my current book.  I remind myself that the body needs sunlight.  The cats come out there with me, and I find a bit of joy watching them turn their faces up towards the sun, their eyes closed.  Their ears twitch at the sound of birds chirping. They are so content, so still.  Do their little brains run nonstop with thoughts, the way ours do?  They are indifferent, loafing, useless creatures, and they are okay with that because it's their purpose in life.  They know we will love them no matter what, and we don't expect anything from them.

I've talked about my garden before.  I love the flowers and I love to plant, but I hate all the maintenance.  Weeding, watering, feeding, trimming, mulching.  I know friends who are happy to work tirelessly out in their yards, who sit and dream about summer coming.  The idea of it just wears me out.  Heat, humidity, sweating.  One afternoon in my flower bed can sideline me for a week with aches and pains and exhaustion.  But I know I have to do it.  I'm sure J doesn't want to spend all his weekends taking care of the yard, we have almost two acres to tend.  But he mows, weeds, edges, fertilizes, aerates, and everything else- not because he loves it, but because he knows that's part of responsible home ownership.  And he does warn me every spring- stop planting more flowers and bulbs because I have trouble taking care of what I'm already growing.  I never listen.

Right now I am simply too sore to think about anything like that.  My arms are black and brown with bruises from all the needles and blood work and labs I've had lately.  My insides are in pain from all the probing and poking around.  Last night I could barely get off the couch because of cramps and a backache, after a very intense internal ultrasound.  I don't want to go into details, but ladies if you don't know what I'm talking about, then you've probably never had one.  I've had three- they are not fun.  I know these doctor-related aches are temporary, in a week the bruises will be fading to yellow, and what will my excuse be?  And I know what the results will be from all this medical detective work.  I am old, I am tired, I am out of shape, I am menopausal.  I don't exercise.  I eat things that come out of a cardboard box instead of directly out of the ground.  I drink too much caffeine, eat too much sugar.  I don't get enough sleep.  Blah blah blah.  The same things that plague half of the women in this country!  Yet they continue on with their lives, and I stumble.

Unlike the ever changing seasons, everything that is wrong with me is completely in my power to fix.  Having a doctor tell me that to my face, will that change things?  Will a medical diagnosis of "overweight middle-age female going through menopause" really empower me?  My doctor won't tell me anything I didn't already know before all of the lab work and probing.  And if I haven't changed by now, I don't know what it will take.

MISS GEE

RIGHT????

Perfect Timing

Last week I was in that zone where just the tiniest thing set me off.  I get like that sometimes, when too many little changes come at me all at once.  On their own, they are small insignificant pecks that irritate me, and I brush them aside.  But pouncing on me as a collective, it's like I was mugged by an entire street gang.  And I don't know enough kung fu to survive.

To add to that frustrating week, J had to have minor outpatient surgery- very very minor.  But it still entailed him in pain, discomfort, and being heavily medicated.  (Sounds like a regular day for me.)  My normally Alpha Male husband was transformed into a small pouting child who needed mommy.  Napping on the couch, wanting an extra blanket, needing a glass of water, calling out for a pudding cup. Yes, really.  Three trips to the pharmacy, two extra trips to the grocery store because he had special dietary needs for the first few days.  Mind you I did all of this with love and joy in my heart, because he does the same for me, and I'm still after all these years so enchanted with him.  But the reality is I get frazzled beyond repair.

That first evening, going through the normal bedtime routine of turning on the porch lights for the night, I looked out the side door panel of glass to see a package on the front step.  We are both always ordering things off eBay or Amazon, so I figured it was just another delivery.  Imagine my delight when I brought the box in and saw the sender's name.  A new dear friend, who had hinted at me the week before that I should watch for something from her in the mail.  It was late, J was already struggling to make it to the bedroom, so I put the box on the dining room table.  The next day, tired, cranky, but with the ailing husband back to work, I headed off to yoga to unwind.  For the first time in a long time, I was not able to clear my mind and totally relax.  When it was time for Shavasana, while Snatam Kaur crooned about the deep blue sea, and my instructor softly implored us to listen to our breathing and just let go with each exhale- I just stared up at the ceiling thinking about stuff, life, chores, marriage, work, the world.  I couldn't shake it off that day, and left as stressed as when I arrived.

But when I got home, there was the box on the table with my new friend's name on the mailing label.  Inside, handwritten notes from my friend on some of the items, and a warm card.  A very cute notepad, because she knows I am a compulsive maker of to-do lists.  A beautiful tea cup, relaxing tea, and a gorgeous tea towel.  What a wonderful gift because as many coffee mugs as I have, I only have one sad little tea cup, chipped, brought home from the desk at my old job. There was the sweet bookmark with the bird, which I adore because I am usually reading 3-4 books at a time.  A candle that I immediately put up on the fireplace mantel and lit.  And of course chocolate, which I opened right away because I really really needed it that day.  How did she know!

It was as though I had packed the box for me!  Amazing how someone I've never met could peg me so well, and each gift was as thoughtful and meaningful as if I had shopped for myself.

The most special gift was a slender book.  I opened it and as soon as I read the introduction, my eyes welled up with tears.  I knew this book needed my undivided attention.  I read every page that afternoon, incredulous that the author was speaking so directly to me and describing me, my life, my heart, with perfect detail.  I was even more astounded that this little book was written a decade before I was even born.  Then I read the book a second time, and I read it as though I had written it about myself.  It could be my diary.  Who knew that women, couples, families struggled with the same emotions and feelings in the 1950's as they do now.  The world really hasn't changed that much after all.  People haven't changed.

And so I want to thank this new friend for her kind gifts, which came at a time that I needed and could appreciate them the most.  She will laugh that two minds think alike, because I have a very small gift ready for her as well, I was just waiting until I finished my current letter to her so I could mail them all in the same package.  Nothing extravagant, but I hope she will enjoy everything nonetheless.

Thank you dear friend!!

MISS GEE

Finding Purpose

Today is one of those days.  Last night I went to bed vowing to wake up today feeling better, having more energy, zipping off to my 10am yoga class which I haven't been to in over a month.  But I woke up with my typical headache and backache, shuffled around the kitchen making coffee and J's breakfast, and slumped down at the table to read all the horrible shit in the newspaper.  Including the article about the police officer and father of four, gunned down by a drunk psycho yesterday just blocks away from J's office.  The day before at the intersection J drives through twice every day, that last turn at the corner of the street to his parking lot, a young woman was killed when another person slammed into her car- that person was speeding away in a stolen vehicle.  This world of ours.

I had a nice respite yesterday and I ended my day in a better mood.  It was in the 70's, I was able to open the windows and get fresh air and hear the birds.  I went to town in the afternoon for quick errands- dropping off a few Etsy sales at the post office, putting money in the bank (always a good thing), and perusing the aisles at the thrift store after I donated a big bag of clothes and shoes.  Sunny.  Good music on the radio.  I even came home and had a very productive evening, putting together several dozen necklaces for my booth, which is still technically a dream at this point.

This morning it's still warm out but pouring rain, the gray heavy stuff that puddles on the sidewalk and creates small lakes in the yard.  The temp will drop to 40 by lunchtime, and will be in the 20's tonight. Did I want to go to yoga that badly?  Nah.  I talked myself out of it before I even finished my first cup of coffee. Like it was an outdoor class, instead of in a clean cozy studio with warm cork floors.  Then as the minutes ticked by, I got angry at myself for not going, because it's the one thing that helps with the miserable body aches.  So I still continue to feel like crap, physically, which always leads to the mental side of it.  Getting in my head.  My body aches, and it won't be long before my brain does too.

That's my M.O.  Say I'm going to do something, promise myself I will do it, talk myself out of it with a lame excuse, then get righteously pissed off at myself for not doing it.  Over and over, every day.

At breakfast I crumbled a bit.  I try my best to never start J's day off with my whining, so I usually keep my stuff to myself.  We read the paper, talk about local news, talk about what he has coming up at work that day, talk about what we want to do this weekend.  But this morning I just grabbed my head wildly.  I said to him, I just need to shake this off!  He said, the blues?  (That's our genteel code word for my depression.)  It wasn't that, and I couldn't put it into words for a moment.  Then I said, I just need to FOCUS.  On something, anything.  His first answer was, of course, focus on my health but that's always his go-to topic for me.  Eat better.  Take my vitamins.  Exercise.  All are things I have a tendency to forget to do, or make really awful excuses as to why I didn't "have time" to do them.  But then I realized he is right.  There really are days when I am so beleaguered with what's inside of me, I do forget the simple tasks of taking pills.

I have too many of those days where, at 8am I open the dishwasher to unload the clean dishes from overnight.  At 3pm I walk back through the kitchen and the door is still open but only half the dishes were put away.  Does everyone have days like this?  Or is this my own personal brand of foolishness?  Am I really that lazy, or does my mind just simply drift off in the middle of such an uncomplicated undertaking?  What can I do to change this behavior?  I have to know.  Maybe it's the same phenomenon that took me from being that efficient 5am 5-minute shower person, to a midday 40-minute hot bath soaker.

I've written about it before, but when I worked I could multitask and complete major projects like nobody else- I even had 5 statues sitting on my desk for all the awards I'd won for my diligent work ethic.  I was single-minded, unstoppable, reliable.  Now that I'm at home, that has fallen apart.  It's like that fierce, smart, motivated part of my brain got left behind at the office.  Even though I have clearly defined goals for myself, I'm not working towards any of them at any steady pace.  Time slips through my fingers so easily now, hour by hour, and that's part of why I feel so useless.  What did I accomplish today?  Did I do anything worth mentioning? Why do I think I have to complete something monumental every day?  I'm alone at home, what exactly is there here that is so earth-shattering?  Hell, I can't even get the cats to stop peeing in the corner of our bedroom.

It's not enough to keep the kitchen and bathrooms clean.  It's not enough to pack my husband's lunch every morning.  It's not enough to take the recycling on Mondays, put out the garbage on Thursdays, do the dry cleaning on Fridays. It's not enough to pick up and drop off and clip coupons.  It's not enough to be a housewife anymore.  It's enough for J, he is pleased with those domestic changes in me.  And I'm not saying I want to jump out there into the working world again. Why can't I run a business from here?  Why can't I start a project here- and finish it?  Why can't I be useful again?  Why can't I ever do more than just talk about it!  I just want to find "that woman" I used to be, and put her to good use keeping up my new life at home.  I try to remind myself that as far as J and I are concerned, I am "retired".  Why do I think I have to do anything!

I've given serious thought to hiring a life coach, but that seems so Hollyweird for a plain and simple stay-at-home-person going through normal midlife pangs.  I don't need to save the world.  Just myself.

MISS GEE

Appointments

I have decided that I need some answers.  I can't believe that I'm meant to spend the rest of my life feeling unfocused, lethargic, callous.  I have a great life, and I'm tired of hating it.

I've scheduled an appointment with my primary care physician in a couple of weeks.  She's been my doctor for six years now, and she's seen my ups and downs.  All of the medications I'm on, she's the one who put me on them.  Most of all, she's easy to talk to and she listens.

I took down notes from my last few calendars, where I write pertinent info like weight, periods, sex.  All the things a menopausal woman would need to keep track of.  Looking back over the last three plus years, there were a few startling discoveries that I wasn't even aware of.  Living day to day, you don't notice some things happening- or not happening.  Having 38 months laid out in front of you, patterns emerge.

So it's time to see if my doctor is willing to do some poking around.  Blood, pee, saliva.  Whatever I need to hand over.  My notes, too, to see if she thinks my issues are due to hormones or any of my medications.

I feel as though my body is betraying me.  It's time to figure it out and make some changes.

MISS GEE

Sad And Tired

I am really in such a sad state of blah lately, and I am tired of feeling that way.  I'm tired that I can't seem to ever move forward in my life.  Even the blog, which I think about often but rarely get to.  I have such poison in my brain on most days, and I don't want to put it on the screen in front of me.  But it's still there, my eyeballs still see it inside my mind, whether or not I share it in black and white.

I feel like I have so many irons in the fire, I have so many directions that I need to go, so many projects to focus on, so many items on my to-do lists.  And yet they are all irrelevant in the real world.  Maybe they are only big deals in my little sphere of reality here inside the walls of this house.

I have no reason for complaints.  No reason for excuses.  I feel sorry for myself then get pissed off at myself for feeling that way.  No one treats me as badly as I do.  I have things in my life that I should celebrate- we just paid off our house!!- but joy always eludes me.  Then again, I don't expend much energy trying to chase after it either.

I see stories of overcoming the odds and courageousness every day, but I know I don't have that inside of me.  J enables my antipathy because he loves me. His "it's okay" hugs sometimes make me feel even worse. Like a repeatedly disappointed father showing encouragement to his failure of a child.

Lately I get so overwhelmed with the little things.  What I want to do, and what I actually do, are universes apart.  I can set goals for myself all day long, but as evening rolls around I wallow in the pitiful truth that I am incapable, a fraud.

One word to describe myself?  Useless.  To describe my life?  Pointless.  To describe the things I do?  Meaningless.

I know, I know.  Get my head out of my ass, get over all the drama, and get on with living.  What else is there to do?

MISS GEE