I feel like I have so many irons in the fire, I have so many directions that I need to go, so many projects to focus on, so many items on my to-do lists. And yet they are all irrelevant in the real world. Maybe they are only big deals in my little sphere of reality here inside the walls of this house.
I have no reason for complaints. No reason for excuses. I feel sorry for myself then get pissed off at myself for feeling that way. No one treats me as badly as I do. I have things in my life that I should celebrate- we just paid off our house!!- but joy always eludes me. Then again, I don't expend much energy trying to chase after it either.
I see stories of overcoming the odds and courageousness every day, but I know I don't have that inside of me. J enables my antipathy because he loves me. His "it's okay" hugs sometimes make me feel even worse. Like a repeatedly disappointed father showing encouragement to his failure of a child.
Lately I get so overwhelmed with the little things. What I want to do, and what I actually do, are universes apart. I can set goals for myself all day long, but as evening rolls around I wallow in the pitiful truth that I am incapable, a fraud.
One word to describe myself? Useless. To describe my life? Pointless. To describe the things I do? Meaningless.
I know, I know. Get my head out of my ass, get over all the drama, and get on with living. What else is there to do?
MISS GEE
Darling,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are struggling right now. I feel similarly a lot too. I do think you are courageous. You are courageous for writing this out, for telling the truth. You are strong and if you don't believe it, I will believe it for you. :) Keep an eye on your mailbox, something special will be coming soon.
xo, C