End of Days

Well today was the day, my last day of employment.  I feel very weird.  I am not happy, I am not sad.  I don't really feel anything yet.  I am sure it will hit me, maybe not on Monday because I can convince my brain I've just taken a day or two off.  Maybe not in the next few weeks, because we have some visits planned in May and June with both sides of the family, that will keep me occupied.  But I know one day soon, when I'm not expecting it, the feeling will wash over me that hey, I quit my job!  Wow man, I really quit my job...  Ugh, did I really do that?

As much as I griped and complained about my job, it is very odd to be without it now.  Without a real purpose, without a true destination every day.  What will I answer when people ask the inevitable "what do you do?"  What do I do now?  I was a very good employee- I had multiple statues and awards on my desk to prove it.  I was great at my job, I worked whatever hours were required, I knew my duties inside and out, and never left a project undone or met a deadline I couldn't keep.  But the sheer overwhelming shadow of the job itself, was more than I could take, it was eating me up by little pieces every day.  J knew I was to the point where I felt like there was nothing left of me.  I was told that before I took the position, it was a revolving door where burn out status was repeatedly reached within six months.  I lasted 3 1/2 years at the job.  It wasn't my favorite position in the 11 years with the company, but it was pretty darn close.  My arms finally just got tired of juggling so many balls, and my head was hurting from wearing too many hats.  The job required that I be everything for everyone, never saying no, and I just couldn't do it anymore.

I am still not sure this was the right decision, leaving my job.  I am very much still struggling with it.  J has no doubts, or he is very good at hiding them from me to keep me from worrying.  He was behind this decision 100%.  But it makes me sad to think he doesn't have that option, he has to work, he is the breadwinner and he has no choice.  He has stress at work, but deals with it so much better than I can.  I wish I could lift his burdens as well, of going into that place, of 12 hour days only to come home and have to keep at it on the laptop, the Blackberry.  Short of winning the lottery, I can't help him.  I can only feel as though he now has to make greater sacrifices in order for me to stay home, even if it's just for a short while.  I won't find another job out there making the money I just gave up, they simply aren't available in our area.  But it's a done deal.  I know the folks there would love it if I came back on Monday saying it was a mistake, I want to come back, and they would celebrate it.  Only, they would not be celebrating me as a returning comrade.  They would be celebrating the fact that I'd be back to take on the brunt of the work in my department, as I always have.  When people would hug me this week and tell me how much they were going to miss me, I was thinking no you won't, you don't even know me after all this time.  You will miss what I could DO for you, not "me" as a person.

The lady taking over my job, is one of my co-workers who was already reaching her breaking point, so I'm not sure how long she will last handling my accounts and my salesmen.  None of which she's had to deal with so far.  As soon as she was named my official replacement, she was starting to get the urgent emails, the 4:59 frantic phone calls, the "can you do me a favor?" and "but it's an emergency!" IM's.  My salespeople were all very very needy, and I used to say that babysitting and handholding were some of my functions.  I won't miss that part of the job, the days where I could hardly breathe, the days I didn't even have time to get up to go pee, the days where in the time I could answer one email, I would get 30 more.  I shouldn't complain- our company is number two in the US in its field.  The economy dinged us slightly, but not much, and in a time when businesses are closing, being busy was good and having new accounts was great, working 15+ hours of overtime every week was fantastic for my bank account.  But I digress.  I will say only that, since J still works there, I wish the company many many more years of growth and wealth.  I just don't want to be an active part of that formula for success anymore.  I will cheer on my husband from the sidelines now.  Even today, my last day, I was there from 7am until 6:30pm trying to get it all done, even though I was getting ready to walk away from it permanently.  I just couldn't let it go.

But I came home tonight like any other night, J and I riding together from work for the last time.  We had dinner while watching a baseball game on TV, we went outside to play basketball in our driveway, and I strolled around the yard to see what had bloomed today.  And the flowers are blooming, and it was a beautiful sunset in our quiet subdivision, and tomorrow it will be another Saturday.  And Monday will come, and I will set my alarm clock as always, I will get up and see the hubby off to work, and I will have to figure out- what do I do now?

MISS GEE

General Hospital

Well I can say now that I have made progress lately.  Lots of steps backwards, but one giant leap forward into the unknown but exciting future.

Last week I ended up in the ER where I was admitted, imprisoned and tortured with needles, machines and jello for three days.  While an immobile hostage on the second day, J announced this was the final wake up call.  I was quitting my job.  He'd spent time crunching the numbers and assured me, we could take the financial loss of my salary and still be fine.  We'd have to take cuts- no spontaneous $100 dinners out on a weeknight just because we can- but it would be okay. And when J says it will be okay, I believe him.  I do have some health issues that will need tending to, but I am on medication and have planned visits to specialists to monitor my blood work and numbers.

Both J and my father have asked me to quit my job for over a year now, and I have resisted because of the money.  I doubt the ER visit is related to work, although when I arrived my blood pressure was so high, the doctors said it was at stroke levels.  I think that concerned J more than the actual issues that brought me there.  If I'm dead I can't enjoy that paycheck anyhow, and then who will inherit my Dooney collection?  I try to make light of it, but the fact is, I have felt like shit for quite some time now. Extreme fatigue, headaches almost every day, breathing problems, insomnia, dizzy spells, frequent nose bleeds. I've chalked it all up to stress on the job, and the super long hours, and I told myself this is the American way.  Everyone works themselves to death.  So even though it scared me, I did the right thing for my health- I turned in my notice. As much as I want to screw over the witch I work for, I don't want to screw the company because it's been good to J and I for so very long now.  I gave a 3 weeks notice, and said I was leaving due to health issues. I plan to take at least one day off a week as I have paid sick time to use, and I'm doing that today.  They begged me to take a leave of absence instead, but it's pointless because no matter how long I take off, I will come back to the same job, the same hours, the same stress all over again.

People at work this week have been giving me weird looks.  If I could come in and work 10 hours on Monday and Tuesday, why do I have to quit because of my health?  Some have told me how bad their health and pains are, and how high their blood pressure is, etc., and I can't decide if they are trying to compete with me or let me know they are toughing it out.  A few have given me hugs and said I am doing the right thing.  Then there are the ones that I know are jealous, and I won't apologize that I am a middle-age childless woman whose husband makes six figures.  I know a few of the ladies there have husbands in poor health who can't work, so the burden falls on them to pay the bills and take care of the entire family.  I don't know what the future holds for J, but right now he's young and relatively healthy and has a job that pays well.  And he reminded me to ignore everyone else at work, what they say, what they think, how they act. It doesn't matter, and it has nothing to do with me.

I am not saying my working days are over, just over at this company.  On the contrary I would like to find a part time job for now, where I don't have to commute for 40 minutes one way, where I won't have to crawl in half-asleep at 6:30am and still be struggling to leave at 6:30pm.  And eventually I would want to go back to work full time, because it's just my nature and other than spots here and there over the years, I've always worked full time.  I enjoy it.  I like challenging my mind, and my current job certainly did that.  I will miss the work itself, but I will not miss the stressful atmosphere and I will not miss the company politics (read: bullshit), and I will not miss my lazy drama queen supervisor.  Frankly, I won't miss 99% of my co-workers either.  If I could pick up my work and bring it home every day, I could have worked there the next 20 years easily, with no complaints.

J is content with me staying home forever I think.  And if things go well, and I can get motivated, that might be a possibility.  Now I will have time to work on my pottery and get my Etsy store going again, or even find one of the little shops downtown who might be willing to carry my pieces.  I will have time to exercise every day, more than just 15 minutes on the treadmill at 8pm before I collapse.  I will have time to prepare and eat "real" food, instead of stuffing a lunch bag with a Lean Cuisine, Slimfast, Fiber One Bar, and a Coke Zero before I run out the door every morning, then coming home at night to feed my husband something I dumped out of a box or bag.  Now I will have time to actually clean my house instead of stepping over and ignoring the mess.

J is very adamant that I do these things, he said he would be unhappy if I sat around every day and just read, not moving, not accomplishing anything.  He absolutely doesn't want me to get into the daytime TV trap, and that garbage doesn't even tempt me at all.  He insists that I get out of the house every day- art classes, the gym, Weight Watchers meetings, walks in the park- things I gave up when we moved here.  I can also now take over some of my husband's chores around the house, to give him more free time in the evenings as well, because he absolutely deserves that.  I am very encouraged to see that, since bringing me home from the hospital, he has been exercising every night.  He has his own issues- high cholesterol and blood sugar, his weight.  Maybe he hasn't landed in the ER with them yet, but he knows it's time to stop fooling around and taking chances, and start addressing them all.

My husband's greatest fear is that by staying at home, I will fall into deep depression the way I did when we moved here in 2009 and I wasn't working for several months.  But I wasn't doing anything at all then, and I had just left behind all my friends and my dream house, and was now sitting alone and dwelling on fears of a new town and sudden isolation.  Now I have my garden that needs tending, I have my kiln that hasn't been fired lately, I have my incredible room that J created for me- amazing enough that I can call it an art studio and really mean it. And I can get around town with my eyes closed- it doesn't scare or overwhelm me anymore.  I have a lot of plans swimming in my head, ideas that were just floundering while I was working, but now they finally seem to be bobbing on the surface and ready for me to snatch them up.  J has said I need to have a daily schedule and a weekly schedule at home, just like I do at work to keep me focused.  I agree.  I'm all about making lists and scratching lines through each completed task.  But mostly, J demands my number one new job is taking care of my health.  I am truly fortunate to be able to do this, and to have a partner who loves me enough to support this decision and opportunity.

And I also know that, I may find that staying home is NOT what's best for me and I may get bored out of my mind, but come May I will have the chance to find out.

MISS GEE

Happy Un-Anniversary

It was 20 years ago, March 1993, that I met W.  Today I still question my judgment when I think about getting involved with him.  When I divorced him there was no second guessing that decision.  The last time I saw W, was in my rear view mirror as I drove away from the court house, a single woman with my maiden name back.  I know that sounds terribly cliché, but it's true.  He would call me from time to time after that, for what reasons I don't understand- most of the time it was to brag about the woman he had started to date, as though I would be jealous.  But once his calls turned into angry threats on my life (I’ll burn your house down while you sleep bitch!) I got an unlisted number.  That was the end of my contact with him.

W was wrong for me from day one, but I just didn’t see it at the time.  I met him when I was a temp at an office in my hometown, and he made little impression on me when we were introduced.  A few weeks later he hired me to do some personal paperwork for him, which led to our first date just days later.  A few weeks after that, we were living together.  It was a terrible decision, I really barely knew him at all outside a few dates that somehow always ended up at a hotel.  I was living with my parents, he was living with his parents an hour away.  I can vaguely remember the discussion about us moving in with each other, it was not romantic at all, except that we were on the beach watching a sunset.  He said it would be cheaper and more convenient for him, if we just got an apartment together.  Yes, doesn’t that just sweep a young girl off her feet?  Nonetheless, I fell for it.  (His marriage proposal was the two of us leaving the mall with my engagement ring- which my parents loaned him the money for and he never paid them back- and he threw the box at me and said here you go.)

Because he lived two counties away and commuted to my hometown for the job, I was the one who got the apartment, and on the day I moved in he was nowhere to be found.  My family and friends moved me into my very first place.  W showed up two days later, with some clothes and books, and that was it.  He claimed he had been sick in bed with a toothache and that’s why he wasn’t there on moving day.  Strange that he never bothered to call to let me know.  Of course later on, I found out he had been a few hundred miles away partying with college friends and was drunk as hell, sleeping it off.  This should have been the light bulb moment for me right away, but I ignored the signs.

My parents were very disappointed and unhappy that I was going to be living with a guy I had just met.  My mom and sister hated him from day one and never changed their opinion during all the years we were married, my father wanted to give him a chance to prove he was a good man for his daughter.  But, I was in my twenties, out of college, working full time for the government at this point.  My younger sister had shacked up before me, but by then she was married to the man and still is to this day.  I was supposed to be the sensible oldest child and not do stupid or crazy things, and I think it hurt my father more than he let on.  Lesson learned, father does know best.

W and I did get married not long afterwards, but I am shocked we even made it through the first year of our relationship.  I suffered traumas that I won’t even post here anonymously, because of him.  No one but J knows 100% of the awful story- too terrible and painful to even tell a sister or best girlfriend.  And I had to grow up, quickly.  I wasn’t sheltered or naïve before I met W, but I had never known anyone like him before.  A misogynistic, egomaniacal drug addict.  I did know about his drug addiction even before we moved in together, and it’s something I managed to hide from my family and friends the entire 13 years I was with him.  I did not know he was such a hateful, abusive asshole though.  No one knew about any of this until I had filed for divorce, when I realized I didn’t care about “protecting” him anymore.  My family was shocked when I announced we were splitting up, my girlfriends all said it was about friggin’ time I kicked him out.  My mom said I never loved him, I was just looking for an excuse to get out from under my parents’ roof, and quite frankly that was the truth.

It was so bad at the end, every day I prayed he would come home to announce he had been having an affair and was leaving me for the other woman, and I would shriek “Thank God!” I would finally be rid of him.  But he was predictable in that when he wasn’t at work he was sitting on the living room couch stoned and watching cartoons.  The short time when we were dating, our intimate life was good.  Not long after we married, sex became a once or twice a year ordeal, with me begging and him so uninterested in anything but pot, that he couldn’t even “finish”.  Makes me cringe to think about that now.  The part where I actually begged that creep for sex, not the part about him rolling over in the middle of it saying he was too tired to keep going.

The best part of our relationship was when I decided to end it, and told him to move out, and I was filing for divorce.  We’d had those stupid fights where I would scream at him to pack his shit and get out, and he would sit there and laugh at me.  But this time, it was for real.  I joke today and tell people about my “divorce diet”, and how it was the easiest way to get rid of 185 pounds of ugly unwanted fat.  Everyone laughs.   It was a rough time though, he took four months to finally move out and that was after I got an attorney to show him how serious I was.  Then he tried to blackmail me for alimony, seriously (that is a long story).  My dad offered him a lump sum of money to just leave me alone, but he was greedy and refused.  The state we lived in required us to be separated for an entire year before we could even file for divorce.  I asked him for a divorce in December 2003, and it did not happen until May 2005.  Sadly we had to have constant contact with each other throughout the separation- the only legal rule for separation was that we were not allowed to spend a night together under the same roof (even if it was spent not speaking and sitting in different rooms)- the "year" would start all over again if that happened.  Such antiquated bullshit, I can't even believe it was the 21st century.

There is a lot more to tell, like the stalking episodes, stealing my diary, the insanely disgusting and perverted letters he sent me while we were separated.  I know if you read my last post, you are doing the math.  I was with W for 13 years, but I’ve been with J for 10, yet I only met W 20 years ago.  Math doesn’t add up, does it?

And that story is for another day…my happy chapters.

MISS GEE

Honesty

I am really disappointed in my blog, in the content.  I intended it to be a good hard look at myself, a self-analysis into my misery and depression.  But I seem to automatically revert back to the people-pleaser in me.  Instead I'm talking about vacations and my garden, happy days.  Those are posts better left to the family & friends blog, where I put on that sunny face so everyone will think I'm okay.  I don't know why I can't put all the dark or sad thoughts out there, even anonymously.  I know I love J and he loves me, I know our life is awesome.  And that's the point.  Knowing this and still being so unhappy that some nights I go to bed hoping I don't wake up in the morning.  I know J is the only reason I want to keep going, he really is my only purpose in life.  If something happened and he was no longer here with me, it wouldn't be worth me drawing another breath.  But he's here, and he comes home to me every day, and we both wake up together every morning in the same bed, usually with a snuggly kitty or two.

My father has always- even now- treated me like his princess.  W cast me to the wolves every chance he got.  And now J protects me from my biggest enemy and threat- myself- it is a tiring and futile struggle.  That period of my life when I was with W, in my early twenties to my mid-thirties, was a crucial time for my development as a woman.  It was the first time I'd lived outside the walls of my parents' home, W was the first man who had ever been duty-bound to take care of me besides my dad.  But W was irresponsible, cruel, selfish, and insecure to the point that, for him to feel better about himself, he had to squash me under his boot repeatedly.  I went from listening to a father who told me I could do anything in life that I wanted to, that he would support me no matter what, that I was smart and beautiful and accomplished- to suddenly living with a man whose favorite nickname for me was Fat Lazy Whore or Stupid Bitch, both of which he would scream at me frequently for the smallest infractions.  You may read this and think, I would never let anyone talk to me that way, especially a husband.  I thought I was one of those women too, who would never take that crap from a man.  But until I was actually in the middle of such a relationship, I didn't know my own weaknesses.  After 13 years of listening to that, I became all the things W told me I was.  Whatever dreams and hopes and aspirations I'd had as a single girl, I lost all of those and instead became a bumbling, incompetent wife.

That's why it's so hard now, to have such a wonderful man who loves me and appreciates me and adores me, and believe that it could be possible now and for the rest of my life.  I have many days that I tell myself, J just says and does the things that he does, only to be nice because he's stuck with me now.  In my heart, I know that's not true, I know J does really love me and cherish me, and I believe him when he tells me everything he does, he does for me and because of me.  I believe him when he says I'm the best part of him, that he wouldn't survive without me, when he tells me the only thing he wants out of life is for me to be happy.  But in my head, the parts that W lobotomized with his hate, I can't understand why anyone would love me.  I don't even like myself, and if I could bust out of my body and crawl away somewhere safe, I would.  I still feel stupid, I still feel lazy, I still feel fat.  W spent 13 years convincing me that this is who I am.  J has spent the last 10 years trying to undo the damage.  I know it's not fair to J- he didn't break me, he shouldn't have to fix me.

I find fault with myself for even the most mundane, "it's just part of life" issues- clothes coming out of the dryer wrinkled, crumbs on the kitchen counters, coming back from vacation five pounds heavier, letting plants die because I overwater them.  You name it, if it's in any way negative, I take the blame personally.  I can't help it, and I can't stop it.  I remember pleasant afternoons in my sunny kitchen in my first house, cleaning, mopping the bright white and blue tile floors- and W suddenly coming in and yelling at me that I shouldn't use a mop, I should be down on my hands and knees scrubbing.  I don't know if that was his cleaning tip, or his view of women in general.  It's just one of those moments where I felt like, no matter what I did, it wasn't right, it wasn't good enough, and I sucked as a human being.  It stuck with me, I don't know how to shake it off.

J never gets mad at me, about anything, ever.  But I know he gets disappointed.  One thing that upsets him is my constant need to apologize about everything. He says, please stop saying you're sorry, there's nothing to apologize about.  If the chicken is a little overcooked, if I get a sinus infection, if I cry over a TV show, if I forgot to bring the coupons to the grocery store, if I come home from work with a backache, if I accidentally hang a shirt backwards in the closet.  Every illness or pain, every forgetful moment.  Just stupid insignificant shit.  I'm sorry, honey, I'm sorry.  J doesn't care about any of these things, he only cares about me.  I'm the one making them into issues and failures.

I see how he gets frustrated over my near groveling, and my low self-esteem.  Some days I know he has to tire of always lifting me up, and I know I would grow exhausted of hearing someone apologize twenty times a day, like a favorite mantra.  I don't know why he bothers with me.  It's like those movie stars or athletes, and you see them on the red carpet, and their wives are plain and dumpy.  You think, wow he is so hot, he could have anyone, why is he with her? And you say, he must really really love her.  It's how I feel about J- he deserves so much better and I know I can't give that to him.  He is so very handsome, he's so intelligent, he is an executive, he's incredibly energetic, he is a leader, he's funny and upbeat.  To me, he's a perfect man.

Why is he with me?  Really....

MISS GEE

Need A Break!

Focusing on the positive again!  Vacation is only a few hours away, just waiting on J to get back from a Saturday morning meeting at work.  We’ve not had a true vacation since our California trip last October.  This trip, we are going to a very small coastal island in Florida, where there is nothing to do, and where we’ll take a car ferry just to get there.  No driving, no interstate, no traffic.  Just walking the beach, strolling the quaint downtown when it’s dinner time.  It will still be somewhat chilly this time of year, and I’m hoping that means not many other vacationers will be around.  J and I are not much for crowds.

J and I decided we are not going to take any “big” vacations this year, to try and save money but also to try and relax more.  Our normal vacation schedule every year is one week in Florida, one 7 day cruise where we always get a big cabin, and then one huge blowout vacation week, normally California or Vegas.  This year, we’re not going any place where we have to fly, where we will be staying at a casino, where we will leave the country.  This year it’s going to be all about slow getaways, relaxing, unwinding, peace and rest, being alone but together.  Usually on our vacations, we try to cram in as much activity and sightseeing as possible, and we come back utterly exhausted and in the hole a few grand.  We drive from here to there all day long, every day.  Or we buy too much/eat too much/spend too much in Mexico or Atlantic City or Los Angeles.   I am happy we are going to downsize our vacations this year.  I think this will work out for us well, and it’s just what we need.  Mostly, I hope J will be able to relax for the week, instead of getting even more stressed out trying to keep up with a self-inflicted non-stop vacation itinerary.

I told J, I’m hoping that we’ll find we don’t need to take the big glitzy trips every time our vacations roll around.  I am hoping that we’ll discover that having nowhere to go in the morning besides getting coffee and taking it down to the shoreline, is just the right pace.  Our hotel is just two blocks from the beach, that’s the most hustling and bustling I want to do on this trip.

No matter where we go, J has to work, dragging his laptop along.  I wish I could save him from it, but that’s out of my control.  He says he prefers to work while we are gone in order to keep up, instead of coming back to a thousand emails to catch up on.  I understand the concept, but secretly I resent it.  Not J, because I know he’s doing the right thing.  Just resenting the situation, the phone calls, the urgent texts, the issues that no one else can take care of but J, and how it cuts into my time with him, our time together that is supposed to be a vacation from work.  Then I remind myself that work is paying for the vacation. 

On the other hand, work is WHY we need the vacation, what we are trying to get away from in the first place.  Vicious cycle.  But this time it leads to blue ocean views, clear skies, and sun on my shoulders.

MISS GEE

Better Days

I wanted to post today because J is gone for the day, and that's really the only time I have the freedom to post on this anonymous blog without fear of him catching me.  Well, fear is not the right word, but you know what I mean- I don't really want him to find this blog.  I spent this morning reading over my old posts, and frankly they all sounded the same. Complaining about work, whining about my life, blah blah- full of negativity.  I don't feel as though I've moved forward one bit since starting this blog last year, and my purpose was to work out some of my issues and feelings, that are causing my depression and constant funk about life.  I don't see where I've accomplished anything in that arena yet.  I started a post a few hours ago, and decided to save it for another time, it wasn't something I wanted to think about this morning.  My Saturdays alone don't come that often and I want to enjoy it. One of J's best friends of 25 years lives in this area, and once every few weeks, they get together for a guy date.  Usually to go spend the entire day at a casino nearby.  I know J won't be home until late tonight.  I literally have the entire day to myself with nowhere that I have to be.  I wanted to work in my garden, but it has turned out to be a very wet and rainy, and cold, weekend.  So I am opting to stay inside and post about something fun.

If J was at home today, we probably would already be in town running errands like dropping off his work clothes at the dry cleaners, going to the large warehouse club to stock up on bulk items, stopping in at the grocery store, having lunch out.  That's our regular Saturday routine when we are in town, and I love it, the comfort in the normalcy and teamwork.  J and I do all our errands together, and I appreciate that I have a husband who actually enjoys going to get groceries.  It sounds so mundane, but there are weeks where our Saturdays spent buying bird seed, paper towels, and frozen pizzas, are the absolute highlights of my life! We had a great night last night, sushi dinner out with another couple, and then bowling until almost midnight- the guys drank beer all night long and we wives happily drove them home.  J deserves to have his day today, to spend the way he wants.   And so today I am balancing the housework with the things I want to do for myself.  Hell, it's after noon and I haven't even gotten out of my pajamas yet.  I celebrate that as well!

The laundry is almost done, I'm getting ready to put all the bed linens in the washer.  I've started cleaning the bathrooms, sorting the recycling, scrubbing the stove top.  But in between I've been working on pottery, and shortly I'm going to go sit in my favorite spot in the house and read.  On my Saturdays alone, I flit from place to place, working on chores a few minutes here and there, then bounding upstairs to glaze bisque bowls.  By the time J gets home tonight, I will feel as though I accomplished a great deal.  It will be a good day- I know my hubby is having a nice afternoon and blowing off the stress of a super hard week at work, and I will be able to start off my Sunday knowing that all my housework is done.  And I will have enough pieces finished and ready that I can load up my kiln tomorrow morning.

I have a lot of things that I love to do- paint, write, cook, garden- but I am very mediocre at them all.  And that's okay. I never expected to have art hanging in a gallery, or win the Pulitzer Prize for my fiction.  I've sold plenty of my crafts over the years. Back in the 80's when street fairs were all the rage, I would set up booths with my mom or friends, and sell small things.  Later on in the early 90's, I had a brief period of time when I wasn't working and I set up at flea markets and art festivals.  It wasn't enough money to make a living, just enough to make it a fun hobby that kept me going.  I have never taken art classes, and my painting is amateurish at best.  But in the new century, I've managed to sell everything I've listed on eBay or Etsy.  I just haven't listed anything since we moved here.

I had always wanted to do pottery, I've always loved buying it from little shops during weekend mountain getaways or at auctions and estate sales.  My china cabinet is full of both local pieces and vintage pottery, some even handed down to me by family.  Back in our old town, I decided one day I wanted to give it a shot, so in 2006 I signed up for a workshop at one of the city rec centers.  I was totally hooked, and went to classes every Tuesday night after work.  I would make pieces all week long, take them to classes to drop them off for firing.  I started selling everything online.  I never got a chance to take a class on using the wheel, so everything I make is formed by hand.  I do use a lot of rubber stamps for designs, but I don't really feel like that's cheating!  I also use commercial premade glazes, and most of the pottery in shops use glazes that are homemade by the potter.  Commercial glaze is a little pricey, and I do want to learn how to make my own eventually.

Moving here, I was unable to find any kind of pottery studios nearby, everything was at least 45 minutes away in any direction.  Plus now with the hours at my job expanding constantly, I was not able to commit to any kind of regular classes, even if I had the gumption to drive that distance.  Last year, my wonderful Mister finally broke down and bought me a kiln of my own.  I'd never used one before, ever.  So, being that J is so very smart and practical, we agreed on getting the smallest and least expensive kiln available.  It's actually a test kiln, which is designed for potters to test fire very small pieces, for example to see what a new glaze might look like once it's fired.  And since I just make small handmade pieces, normally 4 x 4 tiles or candle holders, it made sense.  J promised that if, in a couple of years, I decided that I wanted a larger kiln he would happily get it for me.  I think he wants to make certain this is something I will stick with, instead of my normal process of getting all excited about a new hobby only to lose interest in a few months.  A smart move, since a larger kiln will run a few thousand bucks.  Even this little one, was a dime.

I've been making pieces in the evenings and on weekends when we're at home, but so far I have not listed a single thing online to sell.  My cabinet where I've been placing all my finished pieces, is about full now.  But I have nitpicked imagined flaws on every item to the point where, I have convinced myself not to list it, that no one would want to buy it.  I'm not sure where this attitude is coming from, knowing that I successfully sold my pieces in the past.  Why am I not putting the items on my Etsy page, and letting people decide for themselves if they want to buy it or not?  I am convincing myself that suddenly I'm not good enough.  I look at all the other pottery out there on Etsy and look at mine and say, wow I suck.  But no one is going to criticize me as harshly as I will.  J is trying to be supportive and encouraging me to get everything listed.  He's even been saving small boxes for me and bubble wrap, for when I make a sale and need to ship it.  Now that is a very optimistic partner I have.  Right now, just the fact that I've actually been working on the pottery, has started me on the regular routine of working on a piece every night.  Even if it's 15 minutes of painting a coat of glaze.  Wish I could make myself get on the treadmill every night too, but that's another area of my life I'm still trying to work on.  I know I'm not a great potter, I can't make a vase or a coffee mug, but somewhere in the last 2-3 years I have lost my self-confidence in my art.  Where did it go?  Hhhmmm....

And just so everyone doesn't think I'm delusional and to show that I actually do pottery, here is one of my favorite tiles that I made and sold a few years ago, River Dance.  I actually won a blue ribbon for this piece, from an online art competition.  So I know I can do this.

I just need to find that creativity and confidence again now!

MISS GEE

Real Love Part Four

Daddy's boy.

MISS GEE

Out On Good Behavior

Continuing with my goal of focusing on the positives for 2013!

Now that J and I are back to our normal lives, not wandering about the house looking at everything in terms of what we need to get rid of or what we should go ahead and pack up- the mood around our home is once again relaxing and fun.  I have said to friends and family many times over, one day when I'm in the nursing home and no one ever comes to visit me, I will probably regret not having had kids.  But for J and I, it was not to be and frankly, we love our life right now just the way it is.  We would not be the people we are, the couple we are, with kids.  As husband and wife, J and I are very spontaneous, crazy, loving, silly, flirty, lazy, frivolous.  Boring when it suits us to be, and adventurous when the bug bites us.  We enjoy getting outside our comfort zone and having new experiences.  We aren't out there sailing around the world or bungee jumping, but for a pair of mid-lifers living in a small town in the South, we have a very cool life.  Super comfortable one day, exciting the next.  At least we think so, compared to most of our peers. We joke about the town we live in, but it's really not that bad, and we live about 30 minutes outside of the largest, hippest city in the South.  It usually goes by three letters.  I'm sure you can figure it out.

We don't go into the city that often, but we go there a hell of a lot more than others we know, who were born and raised here.  We only moved here at the end of 2008.  Before that, we lived in another small town just outside of a very large city.  We try to find fun wherever we can, whether it's in our own backyard or up the road with the skyscrapers and bright lights.  The other night we were there in the center of the city, and walking along the sidewalks of a huge park I remarked, I don't know why our friends don't ever come up here.  And hardly any of them do.  Yes, we have the freedom of no children, but so do most of the other couples we hang out with.  Was it about money?  J didn't hesitate when he said, it's a choice.  We choose to hop in the car and drive up there to go eat, or go to a museum, to go to a sporting event or show, to find a new local shop we saw online.  They don't.  I guess that's true.  We do invite friends to go out with us often enough, but on most weekends it's just J and I together, and I prefer it that way.  We go where we want, when we want.  We do what we want- or decide to just stay in.  We have very similar likes, and enough differences to keep things interesting.  I am stuck in an office 55 hours a week with people I don't like, and on the weekends, I am okay with not socializing with anyone else but my husband.  Able to be myself with the only person who really gets me.  I may spend most of my waking hours unhappy and wanting to escape my own body, but when I'm with J, that feeling fades away into dust.

J is restless by nature so we rarely stay at home on the weekends, even if we are just keeping close to town.  This weekend was a perfect example.  Friday night not even coming home from work but going straight out for sushi with chopsticks and green tea and just lingering over the conversation and company, then going over to walk around a home improvement store looking, talking, dreaming.  We never once glanced down at our watches- we didn't need to- no reason to rush home.  We eventually stopped and picked up a movie, settled in together on the couch in the dark, a small fire going, just us and the kitties. Saturday we got up and enjoyed the quiet morning together reading the paper and having coffee.  Spent the afternoon the way we wanted to, taking the convertible out, going to two auctions, an antique store downtown, dinner at the deli, target practice at the local range, easing into another movie at home, and a little impromptu strip poker for two that ended up, well, you know.  Probably a very dull Saturday for most people under the age of 30, but for us- we did more in one Saturday afternoon than most of our friends would do in two months.  And I don't know why.  And we don't always do something extravagant, like an expensive steak dinner or a luxury hotel suite downtown.  Those occasions do happen, but they are special and not our normal routine.  Sometimes a perfect evening is coming home and playing basketball in the driveway.  The point is, our time together is spent exactly the way we want to spend it at that precise moment.

Almost as important is the respect we have for each other, when one of us does not want to spend time with the other, or we simply want to do something alone.  J does not come upstairs and sit with me if I'm working on pottery, and I don't hover over him in his office when he's surfing the web.  There are nights when, after dinner, I tell J I don't really want to do anything but go read for awhile.  He has nights when he wants to tinker in the garage.  Some days we work in the yard together, some days he's out there and I don't necessarily want to be outside.  If he's watching something on TV that I don't care for, I don't ask him to change the channel for me, and he doesn't get upset if I tell him I'm going to take a hot bath.  It's a fine balance that it took me a long time to learn- a terrible first marriage and a lot of growing up to make me understand. Compromise, and being okay with compromising.  I miss J on days like today, this bright and windy Sunday afternoon- I'm home alone and he has to work.  I think about what we could be doing if we were together, but we had a great day yesterday, and having a day at home to myself is not a terrible thing.  And I know there are more wonderful times ahead.  Not to say that there are not hard times and struggles, because there are.  We have our share of health problems and family issues and personal woes.  But we get through the rough patches by sticking together, and never letting anything at all drive a wedge between us.  I am luckier than many, that my husband will talk to me no matter what is going on or what is on his mind.  He doesn't shut down, he doesn't shut me out, and he doesn't shut himself off from me.

Maybe I am reflecting on our life as a married couple because tomorrow is our wedding anniversary.  Our marriage, and more importantly our relationship, seems to get better every year.  And we get closer to each other as time passes, instead of drifting apart.  Maybe part of it is because we don't hang out constantly with other people, because we do things together most of the time.  Maybe it's just that we purposefully strive to have the most fun we can in our time away from work, and we don't have as many responsibilities to commit to.  Maybe we are just selfish together.  Whatever it is, it works and I wouldn't change a single thing about it.  J and I are happy and we know we are complete.  We certainly disagree on minor issues, but we never never ever argue about anything.  I can count on one hand the number of "fights" we've had in our decade together.  We really don't have anything to fight about, but we are still passionate with each other, passionate about our life.  Yes, we're unhappy with our jobs, but that truly has nothing to do with our marriage.  It's not that we didn't want children- we tried and it just didn't happen for us. My post today was just to remind me that, even though there are things about our life that aren't ideal- like our jobs and living hundreds of miles away from the nearest family member- our life, our marriage, our partnership, our love is for us, perfect.  We are still best friends and lovers.  We still have fun together.  We still want to spend time with each other.  When I smile at J, it's my real smile, the one that no one else gets to see.

I have a newspaper clipping on the refrigerator that I really believe in:

HABITS OF A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE
* Take responsibility for your attitudes and actions
* Create a marriage mission statement
* Prioritize your priorities
* Think mutual benefits
* Listen first, talk second
* Embrace teamwork
* Lift yourself by lifting your spouse

MISS GEE

New Year, New Attitude- Hopefully

I've written posts over the last few weeks, and ended up deleting them all.  They started off sincerely enough, then each one turned into a bitter and angry rant about my job and my boss.  I just don't even want to talk about it anymore.  I wanted to begin 2013 with a focus on positive messages and good energy. Suffice to say, J did not get either of the promotions he put in for, we are not moving, and we will continue to work and live where we are now.  We will carry on and commit to our "five year plan" of paying off our house and putting away the max into our 401K's and stocks, and make certain we fully enjoy the good times away from the office. We are both 46, and when we reach our early 50's, our goal is to be able to downsize not just our lives, but our jobs as well.  And yes, to reach that goal, we know we have to continue to bust ass with our careers right now, even though both of us hate our jobs, our bosses, and the company.  But one day, hopefully, we can leave behind the 50-60+ hours a week at the company and both find something in life that we really want to do, and enjoy Monday through Friday each week instead of dreading it.  So that's all I'm going to say about work right now.  It's not going to change, I just have to change my attitude about it, and see it as the means to a wonderful retirement.  Instead of griping about the 12 hour days and being asked to work on the weekend, I should rejoice and really look at that paycheck stub instead of sticking it in the shredder every Thursday night when I get home.  Every hour of overtime there, every nasty email from my horrible boss, every stupid meeting I have to sit through- that is just one step closer to getting out of there permanently.  Without getting laid off or anything!

For the last few months of 2012, I sort of stopped living my normal life, waiting to see if we were moving.  Now that I know we're not, I'm trying to get back in the swing of things and I'm looking forward to spring already.  I've ordered a gazillion different bulbs from online, and I'm waiting for them to show up at my doorstep, excited and ready to start digging holes.  The ground doesn't really freeze down here, so I can plant them as soon as they arrive.  I'm making plans to expand the flower beds that we created last year, and have hopes of making a few new ones.  We live in a new cookie cutter subdivision, and most of the landscapes are still just the sad little green shrubs the builders threw underneath windows in pitifully small beds.  I've been adding new bulbs and perennials every year since we moved in, and slowing cutting back or digging up the boring little bushes.  I by no means have a green thumb, and I am basically a lazy gardener, which is why I only plant bulbs and perennials.  I don't ever bother with annuals, too much work year after year.  I want to plant it once and enjoy it forever.  I really want a vegetable garden, but J feels like that would be too much work and need too much time for us to keep one going.  I try to grow peppers and tomatoes every year in large pots, but even those I tend to forget to water, and when they do grow, the deer strip everything right off them.  Maybe this year I'll put them upstairs on our deck instead of downstairs on our patio.

I've not been doing much pottery or exercising at all, but I want 2013 to be a year of change for us, to find better balance with our work and home life.  We are both so tired when we come home every night, we rarely do anything but eat dinner, watch TV for me, and get on the computer for him.  We are both overweight, tired, out of shape, and not in great health.  That's not what I want for us, and he certainly doesn't either, and we can't wait until we're in our 50's before we start working on our physical and mental well-being. I want to enter our retirement in fantastic health and ready to enjoy it from day one.  I've got to get in the habit of doing something creative and productive every night.  I don't even have to give up my favorite shows on TV- I've got one in front of my treadmill, and one in the room I brazenly call my art studio.  My personal five year plan, is to have my Etsy shop and art fair business going now with my pottery and painting, so that it will be a potential income for the rest of my life, even if it's just a modest success.  As J told me this morning when we were talking about it, we've got to have our exit strategies in place now, instead of quitting our jobs and saying- now what, and where do I begin?  And I know part of getting to that point, is going to be better health and energy for me, because I do struggle so much with exhaustion when I get home at night.  My "home balance" is sadly out of whack right now.  Even if I just spend one hour a night upstairs in my craft room, that's an achievable goal in the right direction.

I also have to focus on what I see as failings as a wife, although J would argue with this entire paragraph. I was raised by a mother who stayed home and kept an immaculate house and served a wonderful dinner every night.  And she still does, even though my parents are in their 70's.  My dad still works, because he wants to, and my mom still irons clothes and mows the lawn.  I suspect I'm a bit old-fashioned as well, when it comes to my ideas on what a great wife should be like.  I am terrible at keeping the house clean and orderly, and as far as my cooking, well no one has ever died from it but I have nights I actually apologize to J about it.  My husband never complains, ever.  He gets annoyed when I say I'm sorry- about the kitchen counter not being spotless, or the chicken being overcooked.  He does not want me to apologize or feel somehow inadequate. But it makes me feel like shit when my husband, who works harder than anyone I know, comes home and cleans litter boxes or unloads the dishwasher (I say I'm lazy, he says I've work hard all day and I'm just tired).  He shouldn't have to do those things, I should keep the house clean and get a handle on all the domestic responsibilities.  But he does housework willingly and with joy, because he loves me for working almost as many hours as he does. While that sometimes helps with my guilty feelings, it still does not make me feel like a good wife.  I know I've got to get over that, and one way is to find better, quicker, easier ways to clean and cook, and still work 10-12 hours a day.  It's actually very important to my self-esteem.  I am honored that my husband loves me and wants me as his wife and partner, and I just have days where I don't believe I measure up.

MISS GEE

I love this photo from my parents' 50th anniversary party a few months ago- my sister, my rockin' mom, and me.

The Holiday Spirit

The holiday spirits are not visiting our house this year.  This photo is from 2010. Right now our house looks the same as it does on any given day during the year. We did not decorate, at all, not even a strand of lights on a bush, not one stocking hung, not one sugar cookie baked.  Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas, as you can tell by my pride and joy above- my tree.  But in November, when we anticipated the strong possibility of moving in December, we made the decision not to decorate. Why spend all the time putting everything out for the holidays, when we would probably instead be busy packing up the rest of the house.  I hadn't even sent out Christmas cards yet until J made us sit together at the breakfast table this morning, and do them while we had our coffee.

Now it looks like we made the sacrifice for nothing.

J found out this week that one of the two jobs he interviewed for- the one where they told him he was their number one choice- he did not get.  It's a long story, but it boils down to the fact that they gave it to someone down there who was coming from an even lower position than J- basically someone they wouldn't have to pay as much, or pay to relocate.  The other job remains open, although J was told they are still interviewing people.  It makes J realize they are not going to offer that one to him either.  If they were considering him, they would not continue to look at other candidates weeks later, if he was the one they truly wanted.  They haven't told him no yet, but he is reading between the lines.  He is a bit crestfallen, he thought he was getting the job, based on what everyone was telling him.  He feels like at his age, mid-40's, this might have been his last shot at getting a promotion to an executive position.  He is taking this very personally.  I told him, it's a business, they are trying to save money and going after people who will take a cheaper salary.  J already makes six figures because he runs one of the biggest divisions in the entire company, and they knew he was not going to accept a pay cut in exchange for a promotion/more responsibility.

I am bummed about it too, although there is still a slim chance he will get an offer for the second job.  I am disappointed for him, because I know how hard he works and how dedicated to the company he is, and how very qualified and intelligent and passionate he is about his job.  He told me right after he found out about not getting the first job, it took the wind right out of his sails.  But I know my husband, he will continue to work diligently, put in the long hours at the office and at home, will take the 2AM emergency phone calls, and he will push forward with new ideas and new programs, to better serve the company and the 400+ employees he is over. Certainly I am bummed for myself too, missing out on the opportunity to live less than an hour from my family, and to stay at home for awhile and try to make all the changes to my life that I had envisioned with this move.

But I looked at my list Friday night- which I entitled "What I Could Accomplish With One Year Off From Work"- and I realized there is not one single thing on there that I can't do right now while working full time, but I have to make myself do them.  I may not be able to work on pottery for ten hours every day, but I can work on it for two hours every night when I get home, instead of passing out on the couch in front of the TV.  Exercise and lose weight?  I have a treadmill. Learn to cook healthier meals?  Read more.  Paint more.  Garden more.  There is nothing in my life right now, keeping me from doing those things, except for ME.  Work is no excuse, even on weeks when I work 50-55 hours.  I still have weekends, I still have evenings.  I look at my younger sister who works a very stressful job with long hours, and she has two wonderful children who participate in a ton of activities, and she is always there to enjoy them, to help with homework and projects, to show up for community functions.  She makes herself go to the gym, she still enjoys reading at night.  She has a beautiful home and yard that she takes care of.

I have no excuses, to not live my life to the fullest, and do all the things- EVERYTHING- that I want to do.  It's no one's fault but my own, that my Etsy store has been empty since 2009.  It doesn't matter where we live, it doesn't matter if I work or stay at home, what matters is me and my motivation and my dedication to whatever it is I want out of life.  My goal for 2013 is to be happy- finally- and stop bitching about what I want to do, and just DO IT!

MISS GEE

Real Love Part Three

My sweet wittle baby kitty boo boo.

MISS GEE

The Right Foot

I hope to start off this new week on THE RIGHT FOOT!  A silly old expression, but one I need as my mantra right now.  This morning I dropped off J at the airport, he'll be in Dallas, Texas for the week on business and will be back on Friday evening. I'll pick him up after work and we will shoot up the highway for a weekend in the mountains.  Probably our last little break away together for a long while.  I have the whole week to myself and frankly, have no plans so far.  I am aimless, remember? I want to do something productive and useful with my time.  Besides earning the paycheck, which is unavoidable unless I call out and use up my 3 sick days I still haven't taken for 2012. Work work work at the office, and if I have any energy once I get home, I will be amazed.  I did mention that I work 10+ hour days, but forgot to add that I have a 40 minute drive each way, plus a useless mandatory lunch break which I would prefer to skip. So, it makes for a very lengthy day away from home. The kitties are used to it, as long as there is sunshine coming through the windows- I know those lovable lazy furballs just sleep all day and don't miss mom and dad one bit.

J and I spent Saturday in the basement going through boxes, and I promised him this week I will keep going on this massive project.  I am amazed at how much junk I've clung to over the years, and I don't know why.  I still have stuff from high school- and mind you I graduated in 1984- that serves absolutely no purpose in my life now.  Old calendars, concert tickets, newspaper clippings, notes from class, boxes of pens that don't work, magazines.  You name it.  I threw out about 3 boxes yesterday of mostly paper items and have A LOT more to go through.  I made another pile for a potential yard sale, and of course we constantly donate to Goodwill so we've always got a large box sitting around where we put their items.  I try to convince myself I'm not a hoarder, because everything is neatly put away in containers and stacked in the basement or on shelves.  But the truth is, if I've attached so much sentimental value to an airline ticket stub for a trip that J and I took in 2008- and I can't just toss it, well, I probably am dealing with a little bit of the hoarding mentality.  It's easy to hang onto stuff when you have the room to store it, but is it healthy emotionally?  Of course I will keep pieces that have value, but a brochure for a hotel we stayed at in 2005? Why??  Even if we don't end up moving for a new job, we've got to get rid of the things cluttering our home that don't play any positive role in our lives.  Our basement is unfinished, but there are so many boxes down there, if we ever did want to finish it, I am not sure anyone could work around all that mess.

Every time I move, the houses keep getting larger, and that has allowed me to get in that mindset where I hang onto things I don't really need or use, just because I have a place to store it.  And I am starting to realize especially at our age, it's just not practical to continue on that way.  When I was married to W, we were young and never could afford to buy a house, and over the years we rented and moved around a lot.  Finally my parents helped us with a down payment and financing, and at age 34 I became a first time homeowner (W & I split up 3 years later).  We had a small starter house that was cheap, a good thing due to W's chronic self-imposed unemployment and drug addiction.  I paid the bills, and my parents helped out.  W's contributions were mowing the lawn and changing the oil in the cars.  But, the house was perfect for the two of us and the dog.  About 1300 square feet.  We didn't have much, and what we did have was mainly hand-me-down furniture which was fine.  I was still living alone in that little house when I met/dated/married J.  J had his own house that he eventually sold.  However, trying to suddenly squeeze all his belongings into my already fully furnished little place didn't work well.  Plus, for me the ghost of W still haunted the hallway and kitchen, and I wanted out as soon as possible.  J was content to live there, as the house payments were a meager $475 a month!

J and I bought a house together shortly after we married, and it was my dream home, and I still feel that way even though we only got to live there 2 1/2 years. It was big enough for all our things, at 2600 square feet and a separate workshop for my crafts, and we even had rooms that were empty which we soon filled! Enter 2008 when we had to move for his job and we now had more things and furniture, and the only house we could find that we both liked which would fit all our stuff, was a 3000 square foot home with a 2500 square foot basement.  Yes, that's the house we live in now, below. 5500 square feet for two people and a passel of cats. Utterly ridiculous isn't it. Thankfully the house was the last one in the neighborhood and the builders were desperate to get rid of it and be gone.  So we got a fantastic deal on it.  And of course the cycle started over again because it was so big, we have ended up just accumulating more to fill the empty spaces.  And don't think I can't read between those lines about buying stuff to fill empty spaces.

Some days I'm embarrassed at our excessiveness, but other days I tell myself we both work super hard, we pay our bills, we put money in our savings, and we donate a lot to charity.  We can afford it, we deserve it.  So what if we have an unnecessarily big house?

The "so what" is starting to hit us now.  With the potential move south, and looking at houses online, we don't want to continue with the trend of buying bigger. Instead, we're sorting through our possessions and making lists of what we don't need or want anymore.  The housing down there is more expensive, and to keep the same size house that we have now (and of course they don't have basements down there near the beach), it's just not a smart financial decision.  We only owe $50,000 on our house, and we don't want to get in a situation where we move, lose my income, and suddenly have a huge mortgage. Why would we pay more for a big house, just to keep (store) crap we don't need.  Sounds like a no-brainer to me.

The ONLY solution is for the two of us to start digging in and tossing/selling/donating like crazy.  J has said even if we don't move, we need to do this, and I agree.  I have to tell myself that if it's been in a box in the basement for the last few years, what part does it play in my life, my happiness, my future. Somehow I don't think a folder full of homework from the shorthand class I took in college, really needs to be taking up any space whatsoever in our home.  So why am I having such trouble making decisions on what to keep and what to get rid of? Sometimes it feels like I am throwing away a part of me, tossing away my past.  I know schoolwork is not really important, but I look at the pages with my handwriting and think, this is me.  But it's not, it WAS me.  I'm 46 now, not 16.

I just need to watch another episode of Hoarding Buried Alive, and that should help me move forward, on the right foot!

MISS GEE

Stumbling Badly

Oh my, I am feeling so lost right now, and I'm at a point where it is just a struggle to get through the day, hour by hour.  I am going through a spell where absolutely everything seems overwhelming and insurmountable.  Work, home, life.  We continue to rest in a state of limbo with J's job- the interview process was lengthy and detailed.  He's been told he's the number one choice, but no offer has been presented, not even a single word from anyone.  J is going about his normal routine, and of course I am so stressed I feel like a guillotine is hanging over my neck, never inching closer yet never backing off.  We have not even decorated for Christmas, because any day we might hear that we have to start packing up our house.  J said, don't even put up the tree or string lights in the yard, if we will just have to put them right back in a box in a week or two.  I'm in quite a funk over this, even though it makes perfect practical sense- the last time we moved, it was also at Christmas and we went without a tree or decorations that year too.  But driving through our neighborhood and seeing everyone's houses lit up, and sneaking peeks of Christmas trees through front windows, is making my blues a deep shade of midnight.  And it's not helping that I've already fallen head over heels in love with a few houses in the town we may move to, so I just sit there and stare at the photos online and think, okay, when will we find out if we get to move on or stay put?  Will those homes be available by the time we know?  It sucks tremendously to have my future in someone else's hands right now.  J just shrugs it all off, stoic and nonplussed about it.

I had a very brief moment of bliss in the mountains for Thanksgiving, but reality was waiting on me as soon as I returned.   Reality being work, that is.  It is crazy stupid busy at work right now, I don't know any other way to say it.  It would be hard for me to explain what I do, but it involves a tremendous amount of computer work and documents and reports.  I work with our sales force.  Only one of me, 200 of them, and about 1500 accounts.  Yeah, that's right.  And I'm technically only supposed to work 8-5 because I'm an hourly slob, but in the 3 years I've been at that office, I've worked mostly 10, sometimes 12 hour days.  I went in at 6:15 this morning and thought, wow, I am not staying late again tonight.  I am physically exhausted to the point where my body is hurting.  And all I do is sit at a desk all day long.  Normally I love all my sales people, but the closer it gets to end of the year deadlines, the more insanity there is- from them and with me, too.  And I have a very demanding and VERY unhelpful boss who comes in well after 8am, and never bothers to stay until 5pm.  Two days a week she leaves at 3pm for something to do with her daughter's cheerleading squad.  Yesterday she came in at 11:15 because she had a personal errand.  Must be frigging nice is all I have to say.  But if you mention to her that you are struggling and need relief, she flaps her arms around and starts complaining about how much she has to do and how busy she is and she can't keep up.  Well, try working more than 6 hours a day, that might help. Today I left at 5pm sharp, pissed off, because every day like clockwork at 4:55, my phone and my email and my instant message all explode with sales people needing something.  Today I thought, f*ck that sh*t I'm going home.  It's not my problem that they've all waited until the end of the workday to have a crisis that could have probably been handled at 2pm.

Home has not been much better for me lately, because it just illuminates the areas of my life where I feel like a huge failure.  Mostly because I am so tired I can't even concentrate on anything at all.  I have days, like today, where I wish for just one minute I was still single.  I love J with every speck of my soul, and I adore our kitty-kids, but my god I have nights where I want to disappear and be so alone.  I can't even sit down on the couch with a dish of ice cream, I have cats clambering all over me.  There is no peace, no solitude, and if I close the door to a room and try to be alone, there are little paws pounding at it, or a sweet caring husband who wants to know what's wrong and what can he do to help.  There is no alone at my house. Even when J isn't home yet, it's still not like being alone alone.  I don't know how to explain it.  I mean, I wish I was alone with no one and no responsibilities and no place to be at any particular time and no one to wonder after me.  I wish I could fall into some pit where no one would find me. But I have too many people who love me and care about me and worry about me, so there is no escape.  I don't want to permanently go away, I just want a moment of nothingness now and again.

I am at a crossroads right now, even if we don't end up moving.  My whole life, my every ounce of energy, is sucked up by my job.  I've devoted 11 years to the company, and every day I grow to hate it just a little more, and every day I say to myself I just can't take it anymore, and every day I come back in there to do it all over again.  That has to be the definition of idiotic. I have to turn in my resignation one way or the other.  Either I leave because I am moving out of state, or I quit to save my life.  The paycheck just isn't worth it anymore. My life is passing me by quickly, it's halfway over already.  My headstone will read "She was a great employee" and that is NOT what I want to be remembered for.  But right now, it's the only thing I've got going in my life.  So sad. So wrong.

It is 7:30 pm.  I am going to bed.  I am weary to the bone.  I don't even care tonight.

MISS GEE

Limbo

2012 has been a year of changes for us.  We lost two of our elderly cats.  We lost two dear family members.  We had a new baby brought into the family, but also lost one at birth as well.  I got a new boss who belittles and degrades me at every opportunity.  And now I am holding my breath, waiting to see if I will be moving again and starting this all over in another state.  J has his third and final interview today- this time with the corporate executives in Chicago- and then we will probably know by the end of this week if he got the promotion.  And even more, we will find out if the salary is something we can say yes to.  J is now concerned if he says NO after all of this hoopla, the company will blacklist him and never consider him for another promotion ever again.  He feels like it may come down to, no matter what they offer him, he will have to accept it.  The job he has applied for is already vacant, and they want someone in that role as soon as possible.  Which will leave me behind and alone for a few months.  I did it before, but it doesn’t mean I’m looking forward to it again.

We’ve been looking at houses down there online, and trying to scout out the town on different websites and using the yellow pages (to see what shops and restaurants are there).  Last week when J went to interview in person he was able to drive around town and a few neighborhoods.  I think he’s way more excited to move than I am.  But he told me this weekend, this move would probably be temporary as well.  His next goal on the company ladder, would be a regional job, which would require us moving yet again in a few years.  But this is what I signed up for, I knew J was going to pursue higher levels within the company.  I do really like the house we are in right now, it was brand new when we bought it, and it sort of makes me sad to turn it over to someone else after all the hard work I've done in my garden and the personal decorating touches I’ve put on our home.  But we’ve not made any connections to anyone or anything in the community, and other than one or two co-workers we go to lunch with, neither of us have made friends since we moved here four years ago.  So I’m not sure where my trepidation is coming from, when I think about leaving.  Other than the fact that I don’t deal with change- or stress- very well.  This would definitely be a stressful situation for me, staying behind to pack up the house, get it on the market, and still be working full time.  I do not look forward to that.  But it is what it is, and if that is what I have to do for my husband, then I will do it.  But, what would I be leaving behind that is making me feel so blue right now?

I’m also not really thrilled about leaving a company I’ve been at for 11 years.  I’m 46 next month,  I’ve worked full time for 27 years, and I’ve only worked at four companies in all those years.  I don’t change jobs very often.  I love where I work, but I can’t stand my new boss D.  I’m pretty easy to get along with, but my new supervisor is young and has never supervised anyone before, and her people skills (and manners) are atrocious.  She was sent to a managerial training course, but apparently she forgot to take any notes.  I would be very happy to no longer be working for her.  That would be the only reason I’d be okay giving up this job.  Although it makes me mad at the thought of this person “running” me off from a company I’ve worked at for a lot longer than she has, or will.  But I’m going off on a tangent with that subject.  I would be leaving to support J and our family, not because D finally got the better of me.  Today I found out that she knew that I may be leaving, and when I tried to talk to her about it, she didn’t respond and gave me a look that told me, she truly doesn’t give a shit if I stay or leave- which of course I already knew.  Makes me feel really great if it ends up that I do stay.

MISS GEE