Stumbling Badly

Oh my, I am feeling so lost right now, and I'm at a point where it is just a struggle to get through the day, hour by hour.  I am going through a spell where absolutely everything seems overwhelming and insurmountable.  Work, home, life.  We continue to rest in a state of limbo with J's job- the interview process was lengthy and detailed.  He's been told he's the number one choice, but no offer has been presented, not even a single word from anyone.  J is going about his normal routine, and of course I am so stressed I feel like a guillotine is hanging over my neck, never inching closer yet never backing off.  We have not even decorated for Christmas, because any day we might hear that we have to start packing up our house.  J said, don't even put up the tree or string lights in the yard, if we will just have to put them right back in a box in a week or two.  I'm in quite a funk over this, even though it makes perfect practical sense- the last time we moved, it was also at Christmas and we went without a tree or decorations that year too.  But driving through our neighborhood and seeing everyone's houses lit up, and sneaking peeks of Christmas trees through front windows, is making my blues a deep shade of midnight.  And it's not helping that I've already fallen head over heels in love with a few houses in the town we may move to, so I just sit there and stare at the photos online and think, okay, when will we find out if we get to move on or stay put?  Will those homes be available by the time we know?  It sucks tremendously to have my future in someone else's hands right now.  J just shrugs it all off, stoic and nonplussed about it.

I had a very brief moment of bliss in the mountains for Thanksgiving, but reality was waiting on me as soon as I returned.   Reality being work, that is.  It is crazy stupid busy at work right now, I don't know any other way to say it.  It would be hard for me to explain what I do, but it involves a tremendous amount of computer work and documents and reports.  I work with our sales force.  Only one of me, 200 of them, and about 1500 accounts.  Yeah, that's right.  And I'm technically only supposed to work 8-5 because I'm an hourly slob, but in the 3 years I've been at that office, I've worked mostly 10, sometimes 12 hour days.  I went in at 6:15 this morning and thought, wow, I am not staying late again tonight.  I am physically exhausted to the point where my body is hurting.  And all I do is sit at a desk all day long.  Normally I love all my sales people, but the closer it gets to end of the year deadlines, the more insanity there is- from them and with me, too.  And I have a very demanding and VERY unhelpful boss who comes in well after 8am, and never bothers to stay until 5pm.  Two days a week she leaves at 3pm for something to do with her daughter's cheerleading squad.  Yesterday she came in at 11:15 because she had a personal errand.  Must be frigging nice is all I have to say.  But if you mention to her that you are struggling and need relief, she flaps her arms around and starts complaining about how much she has to do and how busy she is and she can't keep up.  Well, try working more than 6 hours a day, that might help. Today I left at 5pm sharp, pissed off, because every day like clockwork at 4:55, my phone and my email and my instant message all explode with sales people needing something.  Today I thought, f*ck that sh*t I'm going home.  It's not my problem that they've all waited until the end of the workday to have a crisis that could have probably been handled at 2pm.

Home has not been much better for me lately, because it just illuminates the areas of my life where I feel like a huge failure.  Mostly because I am so tired I can't even concentrate on anything at all.  I have days, like today, where I wish for just one minute I was still single.  I love J with every speck of my soul, and I adore our kitty-kids, but my god I have nights where I want to disappear and be so alone.  I can't even sit down on the couch with a dish of ice cream, I have cats clambering all over me.  There is no peace, no solitude, and if I close the door to a room and try to be alone, there are little paws pounding at it, or a sweet caring husband who wants to know what's wrong and what can he do to help.  There is no alone at my house. Even when J isn't home yet, it's still not like being alone alone.  I don't know how to explain it.  I mean, I wish I was alone with no one and no responsibilities and no place to be at any particular time and no one to wonder after me.  I wish I could fall into some pit where no one would find me. But I have too many people who love me and care about me and worry about me, so there is no escape.  I don't want to permanently go away, I just want a moment of nothingness now and again.

I am at a crossroads right now, even if we don't end up moving.  My whole life, my every ounce of energy, is sucked up by my job.  I've devoted 11 years to the company, and every day I grow to hate it just a little more, and every day I say to myself I just can't take it anymore, and every day I come back in there to do it all over again.  That has to be the definition of idiotic. I have to turn in my resignation one way or the other.  Either I leave because I am moving out of state, or I quit to save my life.  The paycheck just isn't worth it anymore. My life is passing me by quickly, it's halfway over already.  My headstone will read "She was a great employee" and that is NOT what I want to be remembered for.  But right now, it's the only thing I've got going in my life.  So sad. So wrong.

It is 7:30 pm.  I am going to bed.  I am weary to the bone.  I don't even care tonight.

MISS GEE

Limbo

2012 has been a year of changes for us.  We lost two of our elderly cats.  We lost two dear family members.  We had a new baby brought into the family, but also lost one at birth as well.  I got a new boss who belittles and degrades me at every opportunity.  And now I am holding my breath, waiting to see if I will be moving again and starting this all over in another state.  J has his third and final interview today- this time with the corporate executives in Chicago- and then we will probably know by the end of this week if he got the promotion.  And even more, we will find out if the salary is something we can say yes to.  J is now concerned if he says NO after all of this hoopla, the company will blacklist him and never consider him for another promotion ever again.  He feels like it may come down to, no matter what they offer him, he will have to accept it.  The job he has applied for is already vacant, and they want someone in that role as soon as possible.  Which will leave me behind and alone for a few months.  I did it before, but it doesn’t mean I’m looking forward to it again.

We’ve been looking at houses down there online, and trying to scout out the town on different websites and using the yellow pages (to see what shops and restaurants are there).  Last week when J went to interview in person he was able to drive around town and a few neighborhoods.  I think he’s way more excited to move than I am.  But he told me this weekend, this move would probably be temporary as well.  His next goal on the company ladder, would be a regional job, which would require us moving yet again in a few years.  But this is what I signed up for, I knew J was going to pursue higher levels within the company.  I do really like the house we are in right now, it was brand new when we bought it, and it sort of makes me sad to turn it over to someone else after all the hard work I've done in my garden and the personal decorating touches I’ve put on our home.  But we’ve not made any connections to anyone or anything in the community, and other than one or two co-workers we go to lunch with, neither of us have made friends since we moved here four years ago.  So I’m not sure where my trepidation is coming from, when I think about leaving.  Other than the fact that I don’t deal with change- or stress- very well.  This would definitely be a stressful situation for me, staying behind to pack up the house, get it on the market, and still be working full time.  I do not look forward to that.  But it is what it is, and if that is what I have to do for my husband, then I will do it.  But, what would I be leaving behind that is making me feel so blue right now?

I’m also not really thrilled about leaving a company I’ve been at for 11 years.  I’m 46 next month,  I’ve worked full time for 27 years, and I’ve only worked at four companies in all those years.  I don’t change jobs very often.  I love where I work, but I can’t stand my new boss D.  I’m pretty easy to get along with, but my new supervisor is young and has never supervised anyone before, and her people skills (and manners) are atrocious.  She was sent to a managerial training course, but apparently she forgot to take any notes.  I would be very happy to no longer be working for her.  That would be the only reason I’d be okay giving up this job.  Although it makes me mad at the thought of this person “running” me off from a company I’ve worked at for a lot longer than she has, or will.  But I’m going off on a tangent with that subject.  I would be leaving to support J and our family, not because D finally got the better of me.  Today I found out that she knew that I may be leaving, and when I tried to talk to her about it, she didn’t respond and gave me a look that told me, she truly doesn’t give a shit if I stay or leave- which of course I already knew.  Makes me feel really great if it ends up that I do stay.

MISS GEE

Going Again?

I have been torn lately.  A few weeks ago I posted about J applying for a promotion in another state, and he decided not to do it.  It was not really an area of the country we were interested in living long term. I was secretly relieved because I wasn't too keen on moving again, especially to a similar town that was only two hours away.  But another job promotion came up, the one he's been waiting for, and he applied.  He has a second interview this week, and it looks like he will be a front runner for the job.  It's 600 miles south of here, and less than an hour from my hometown, where my parents and my sister and her family still live.  J and I vacation down there every year. Although my hometown is actually right on the beach, where we might potentially be moving is inland and somewhat rural.  My hometown, I could hop in the car and be sitting out at the beach in about 15 minutes.  It's how I grew up, and I lived there until I was 30. I've been away from there for 16 years now.

I always knew J, who grew up on a farm near the Smokey Mountains, wanted to retire down there- eventually.  I thought maybe when we were in our 60's.  Not going back down there while I'm still in my 40's.  So I am not thrilled with the idea, and yet it is an opportunity for us both, one that- if he gets a job offer and more importantly if the money is right- I don't know that we can afford to pass this up. Me?  I always wanted to retire to up where he's from, in the mountains, where it's hilly and cool and green and snows.  I never thought I would have to go back and live in the heat and humidity and mosquitos and flat flat flat lands of my home state.  But as much as I dislike my home state, I love J even more, and this is where he wants to be at.  And I want to be wherever he's at.

If they make him an offer, and it's the amount he wants, he is going to accept the position.  It will be like 2008 all over again, where he had to start the new job right away and lived in a furnished apartment the company provided, while I stayed behind and continued to work and pack up the house.  That was for three months, but J was close enough he came home every weekend.  This time, at 600 miles away, he would not be able to do that.  It would mean weeks of separation at a time, lasting several months.  He might be able to fly home once a month or so. There is the half of me that just cringes at the thought of not seeing him day after day, but there is the half of me that tries to be optimistic and thinks that, living alone for awhile would give me more time to devote to exercise, diet, my art, and just being quiet.

J's greatest desire in life, is to see me happy and healthy no matter where we are living, and he knows right now I'm not either.  I said to him, what if we move and I don't find a job right away or, what if I don't want to go back to work as an office slave for 50+ hours a week.  He said he didn't care if I went back to work part time or even not at all, but if I don't work, he says my number one priority is going to be taking care of myself.  He said if I'm not working, he wants me to get healthy both in body and mind.  He wants me to go back to being the old me- going to the gym, walking the neighborhood at night and on the weekends, selling my pottery and paintings online, going back to Weight Watchers meetings, having coffee with friends on Saturday mornings.  He said if we move, I have to promise I won't sit around in the house all day with the shades drawn, falling into a deep depression- which is what happened when we moved here.  And he knows that if not working is the key to me getting healthy, then that is what he wants more than the extra paycheck coming in.

I don't know.  I love that I have a husband who wants what's best for me and is supportive enough to give me the tools and the time to do it.  My ideal life would be not rushing home at night exhausted and throwing slop on the table because it's quick and easy, and spending 8 hours on Saturday doing laundry because I haven't had time to catch up during the work week.  I miss going to Weight Watchers and spinning and yoga, I miss having an organic grocery store and a bakery or coffee shop in my neighborhood, and I do miss taking care of myself and J.  But I also like having a job where I make $50,000 a year for just working in an office, and if I want a new Dooney or a new pair of Uggs, I go get them because I earn my "own" money.

I will have to give all of that up, and that's a nice income.  Yet I know I would have to give that up in order to get to the core of the "real" me and do what I truly want, and what I truly love.  I have all of those external things, a closet filled with them, and I'm no happier than I was at 25 when I worked two jobs just to struggle to pay my basic bills in my little apartment.  J understands that too, and if he gets this job and we move, it might overhaul my entire life for the better. Still, there is a little voice in my head that says, if we move, my life might suck even worse.  And some days that little scared voice is louder than my husband's strong words of encouragement and excitement for the future.  I don't know which one to listen to, and which one is telling me the truth.

MISS GEE

Balance

Yes, I'm up early on a Saturday morning, really early.  J is already gone, he was meeting a buddy to go off and be a guy for the day.  And I have an early morning eye doctor appointment anyway.  Plus our old mattress just really sucks and once I'm "awake", my back is so sore it makes it almost unbearable to continue to lay there. I gave it awhile, then finally got on up.  I am normally up early on the weekends, and I let J sleep in for a bit.  I like to have a quiet moment with my coffee and read the paper before all the housework and errands begin.  We work so much during the week, we have to cram everything else in on the weekends- fun and chores.  This weekend will be about fun and unwinding after a stressful week for J.  I am staying home and catching up on stuff- laundry, my flower and herb garden, reading, and hopefully making some new pottery.

J and I try to have a good balance between time together and time as individuals. It's important for us both.  I'm not a nagging wife, and I'm not a distrustful wife.  I was happy to go out to dinner last night with him, and then let him go off for the day with his best buddy.  He needs time to go enjoy activities that I don't necessarily love, and I need time to do things where I don't need another person attached to my hip.  For J it's manly stuff like playing poker, sports, the firing range, golf.  For me, it's reading or painting, or strolling the aisles at the craft store to see what's new.  We have a lot of pastimes that we do both love and share, and some weekends we spend every minute together.  But this is one of those weekends where we both need to step away from the real world for just a day or two, and do our own thing.  It works for us, and I'm grateful that I have a husband who shares this philosophy.

But while we have great balance as a couple, I myself have horrible balance for my overall life.  And J had a frank discussion with me about that last night at dinner. Well, more like me listening to fatherly advice, which is weird because J is younger than me.  He is concerned about my health, both physical and emotional, but mostly physical.  And it's not even all the weight I've gained, because as a heavy man he knows it's easy to gain and hard to lose.  I told him, I don't know how to work full time and then do anything else.  I work about 50 hours a week, sometimes more, and I have a 40-minute one-way commute.  (J works even longer hours!)  I leave the house at 6:30am or earlier, and sometimes I don't get back home until 7:00pm or later.  There isn't much time in between.  By the time I make dinner, pack lunch for the next day, lay out my clothes and such for the next morning, it's bedtime!  Rarely during the week do I have (make) time to take care of all the "me" things.  And at work, I have a tendency to get very stressed out and keep myself going with lots of caffeine, sugar, and carbs.  (Read: coffee, soda, junk food)

I am not complaining about having a job, I make what I feel is good money.  I don't know what jobs pay in other parts of the country, but I am happy with my salary and because I'm hourly, the extra work means extra dollars.  I am glad that I can contribute to our family in that way.  But in the meantime, while I'm bringing home that paycheck, I am steadily gaining weight, losing energy, finding more aches and pains, and seem to get more depressed.  I am definitely not the girl that J met and fell in love with, and he hasn't change ONE bit!  And there are things going on at work right now that, for the next 2-3 months, will mean a lot more extra hours for me.  Yet J is in the process of perhaps changing our lives again, hopefully for the better, and I will post about that maybe tomorrow- it's been on my mind a lot but I haven't found the right words yet to discuss it.

MISS GEE

Happy- Lonely- Halloween

Well tonight's plans have been cancelled due to work.  Namely, J has to work late tonight, he said maybe as late as 10pm, indirectly due to my namesake hurricane. We had planned to leave work together, go out to dinner, and maybe do some shopping or errands in town (we live way out in the country).  So I just packed it up at 5pm, saw him out in the hallway as I was leaving long enough to say goodbye, and now I'm at home.  Sulking.  I shouldn't be.  Our life frequently gets interrupted by work.  Whether it's 3am phone calls, or J having to go in on a Sunday morning for an emergency.  Sometimes it's even me who has to work late. But I always say, our company pays for our wonderful life, so I don't complain when the shit hits the fan and he has to work extra hours.  Or cancel dinner plans.

I do love Halloween, but J grew up in a family that did not celebrate any holidays. He did Halloween the first year we were married, but we avoid it now.  I secretly miss it, but I compromise because he does Christmas and my birthday up in style. Still, I'd rather be answering the door all night seeing all the cute little ninjas and ballerinas and skateboard punks.  Or whatever kids dress up as these days.  The last time we "did" Halloween was 2006.  Ever since then, we find ways to go off for the evening and not be home.  Our new neighborhood is completely overrun at Halloween, we learned the first year here.  Kids come by the truck load, even on hayrides.  It's a safe neighborhood, 25mph throughout, streetlights, and all the roads end in a cul-de-sac, so no zooming traffic.

I wore my kitty ears to work today, that's been my old standby for awhile now. They do let us dress up in the office, but I was the only one in my department to even slightly appear to recognize the holiday.  I work with a bunch of old ladies for the most part, and none of them are fun.  People don't believe I'm 46, because most of the time I act so silly, but I don't want to be one of those frumpy old middle-aged women with the bad perm and frosted severely short hair, and the pull-up polyester granny pants from Wal-Mart.  Okay, maybe that was mean, but it's how I feel.  I work with ladies who are probably only 5 years older, but you'd think they were 70.  That's not going to be me, I'll go down swinging at old age.

I don't know what I'll do tonight.  I can't sit in the living room and watch TV because anyone at the front door will see me, and I have no chocolate to hand out.  I will keep the porch light off, and no lights on anywhere inside, so hopefully the house will look depressing and uninviting.   I have a few options.  I can go work on pottery upstairs.  I can go sit in the basement and watch TV or read.  Or I can stay in the bedroom and do the same.  Whatever I do and wherever I go, I will have all the kitties with me.  They follow me around the house like I have sardines or dead mice in my pockets.  The doorbell sends them all off on a frightened hunt for a hiding place, so if we're lucky the dark house will keep the costumed youngsters at bay.

Sigh.  I miss my hubby.  But Happy Halloween to the rest of you who are celebrating tonight!

MISS GEE

Strained

I've been wanting to post lately, but I'm going through one of my "down" spells. There are times in my life, that last a few weeks at a time, where it feels like everything goes wrong, everything hurts, everyone is out to get me, and life is just one overwhelming struggle.  My anxiety levels stay elevated, I get migraines, and I don't even take the time/effort to enjoy pleasurable pursuits like reading or making pottery.  I am SO lucky that I have a husband who never gets down, and who recognizes and accepts the fact that on some days- for no reason whatsoever- I just feel like a heavy weight is holding me down and I can't get out from under it. He loves me even on those days, but I can see it makes him sad too, and frustrated, because he feels powerless that he can't help me. Or, as J puts it, he is sorry he can't "make" me happy.

I am trying to shake it off, to start the new week off on the right note.  It's fall here now, the good kind of fall where you can wear your big fuzzy slippers and have a fire in the evenings, and the kitties swarm the bed to cuddle and keep you warm at night, and the dark-eyed juncos return to the feeders in the back yard.  I love fall and winter, I always feel reenergized and it's normally the happiest time of the year for me.  Not even because of the holidays, but because of the weather and the landscape and the cold fresh air.  I'm in the south, but I'm far enough north that it does get cold here, and freezes, and every year we have a few days of snow later on in the winter.  I love it!  This is the first week of real cold, so I'm hopeful that my moods will turn as well.  I even worked out in my flower beds today when I got home from work, and I haven't been out to tend my yard in probably two months or more.  It gave me a sense of accomplishment that I haven't had in awhile.

My in-laws came to visit last week, and believe it or not I adore them.  No mother-in-law jokes at my house.  They are wonderful people who raised an amazing son, who I was lucky enough to somehow woo and charm into my life nine years ago.  I always say when I married W, I married someone just like my mother- critical, negative, judgmental, and always has to be right to the point of arguing.  When I married J, I married a man just like my daddy- supportive, kind, patient, warm, loving, hard-working.  Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough to be with him, that he's on a much higher level than I am.  But then he will look at me and tell me, he's a better man for having me in his life.  And I know he means it from his heart.

J is going through some things himself right now, work things that, at the end of the day even though he tries not to bring it home, he does.  It's hard, since we both work at the same company.  When we sit down at the dinner table to discuss our day, we are talking about each other's co-workers, each other's business. But J is strong, he rarely lets the trials and strife of the day get to him, and he's always happy to get home to me and the kitties and our real life.  Even on days when I am too tired to make dinner.  Even on days when I am mopey.  Even on days when I'm sitting on the couch on a heating pad by the time he gets here. No matter what MY day and MY mood is, I can always count on J to come home to me and be glad about it.

MISS GEE

Grudges

Today was one of my mad at the world days.  I have them sometimes.  Okay, often. I just wake up pissed off and go to bed pissed off, and the rest of the day I am just pissed off!  At absolutely every little thing.  Not sure where all that anger comes from, but on the days when I'm just super ticked, I start dwelling on my ex-husband W.

Mind you, I haven't even seen W since spring of 2005.  But damn it, I'm still mad at the man, for the 13 years of my life I wasted with him (and yes, I'm mad at myself for it too!).  He only did two things right- made us move away to R, which is where I met J.  And he got me a puppy our first Christmas together- my boy passed away the year we were separated.  I don't like to think about my Lab too much, because I still get sad.  He came to us as we started our life together, and he left us as that life together ended.  Fate is wicked and cruel sometimes.

W was a jackass, and apparently everyone- girlfriends and family- knew it but never told me.  I had to learn the hard way, over the years.  Everyone else hated him the minute they met him, and even worse, made fun of him behind my back. Now I look at that time and say, yep, he was a complete jerk and frankly, I'm not sure if I ever even loved him at all.  Now that I'm with J, I know what real love is like. And what I had with W, was off by a country mile.

W was a great guy when I met him in our early 20's, or so I thought.  I think I was just too immature to see the big picture.  I thought he was ambitious, going places, smart, a hard worker, sweet.  I thought I had hit the jackpot, he was husband material and would be my partner and take care of me/us.  Turns out he was just a drug addict who screwed up his life and tried to take me down with him, and at the end decided it was okay to be abusive, unemployed, and high all the time.  That was what HE wanted out of life.

I don't know how other people are, but I have a perverse obsession about what he is doing now, and mostly I just fantasize about his downfall and wish him misery.  I know, that is bad karma, but I don't care.

Every once in awhile I will Google his name, to see what turns up. Unfortunately, our names are still linked together in a lot of places- his name shows up on my grandmother's online obituary which makes my skin crawl.  If you Google his name, it also brings up my old married name, which equally creeps me out.  I will forever be listed as his spouse out there in cyberspace.  I keep hoping I will run across his mug shot, but it looks like he has (possibly) straightened out his life and is running his own business, back in the town where we used to live.

I know I'll blog a lot more about him, because I think a lot of the issues that I have now at almost 46, are due to all the crap I went through with him at 26.  And I can't seem to get over it or let it go.  Not sure why.

MISS GEE

Real Love Part Two

JUST ONE WORD- ROTTEN!!!

MISS GEE

Miss You

Vacation is TRULY over now, because I crawled back to work today in the pouring rain to find not only my co-worker out, but my supervisor D out as well. Leaving me all alone to try and catch up on my emails and work from last week, and to also try to do their work today too.  It was a 10 hour day, which is typical. My supervisor just irritated the hell out of me by sending me stupid emails from home all day.  Do this, do that, call so-and-so.  I wanted to email back and say, you bitch you called out today, stay off your computer and leave me the fuck alone!  At least I muttered that to myself for most of the day.

I had to say goodbye to J today too, as he was flying off to the corporate offices in Chicago for the week, for meetings.  He was not too excited about it, but luckily he doesn't have to go out of town too much for work.  Maybe a few weeks out of the year.  Me, I don't get to travel at all, not even down the street to pick up doughnuts for the office.

I always joke with J that wow, I'm glad he's gone, it gives me a break.  But I do it to try and lighten the mood because we both know that, when I'm not around him, I am usually very deep in a black hole.  Partly because I just love him so damn much, I can't stand to be without him.  But partly too because when he's not with me, I realize how meaningless and empty my life is.  I tell him all the time, he is the reason I get out of bed every morning, without him I wouldn't want to even wake up at all.  Sometimes he thinks I'm just being melodramatic, but most of the time he understands that I mean it.  I've never thought of myself as being suicidal, but there's really no other way to take that.

J and I have a healthy relationship, a good balance of being together and apart.  He has stuff he wants to do with the guys- football games, golfing- and I never make a fuss about it.  He still always asks first- honey, do you mind if Dave and I go play poker Saturday night?  And I'm so very appreciative that he respects me enough to do so.  My standard answer is always, I don't mind one bit.  Truth be told, I don't mind if he goes off for a whole Sunday afternoon without me.  In theory.  Most of the time I'm okay.  But there are some days that I get super down, lonely, anxious- even when I know he'll be back in a few hours.

I don't know what triggers those feelings.  I do like to spend quiet time alone, to read or paint, or even goof off on the computer.  I hate sleeping alone though. And I don't sleep well when J isn't here.  I am slightly afraid of the dark, so once the sun goes down and J is not home, I won't sit in the living room alone, or even work in the home office.  I usually slink off to the bedroom with the curtains closed, and the bedroom door shut (okay, I have to crack it a few inches for the cats to come in and out).  When J is here, I'm comfortable everywhere in the house.  When he's not, I feel vulnerable and lonely and scared.

I know he'll call me tonight, and we'll talk for a few minutes, just to check in and make sure I got home from work safely and he got to his hotel okay.  Then I'll take something to make me sleep and watch TV late enough to exhaust me into a coma that not even the smallest sound will wake me from.  It's the only way I can get through those nights without my husband at home.

MISS GEE

Back Home Again

Back from California and I have to confess, it was not the greatest vacation of all time the way I had expected it to be.  I've always said I want to live in California, and I figured this visit would confirm that desire.  It didn't, at all.  California has just always seemed cooler and hipper, healthier, richer, more artsy and creative.  Or maybe I picked California as my dream world because it's the farthest I can get away from my real life on the East Coast.

It was a wonderful trip and we had a fantastic time together, but it just didn't blow my socks off like I thought it would.  This was my third visit to the West Coast, all of them with J, and maybe an entire week out there was just too much.  We did a lot, visited LA and San Diego, the mountains and the beaches.  Did the tourist traps, shopping, eating, driving, casinos, museums, sitting and staring at the water.  The rest of it was just wearing ourselves out and rushing around in traffic trying to get from one place to another, much like we do at home.

The relaxing at the beach was probably the highlight for both of us.  Maybe it's just me, I was born on the Gulf Shores on a beach town, and lived there until I was 30. Life on the shores is just in my blood.  J loves it too, although he was raised on a working farm closer to mountains than water.  It's his desire to retire to the beach, and he always tells me he's "not" on vacation yet until he sees the water.

While we were there I realized that, no matter where you are, it's all the same. Really.  I had expected this trip to California to enlighten me and lift my spirits, when in reality I saw the same things out there as I do at home- lines in the fast food drive-thru, Wal-Mart, crazy drivers on the interstate, stray animals, trash blowing down streets, people texting while they walk down the sidewalks, run down neighborhoods.  The same TV shows, the same stores, the same chain restaurants. I saw a lot of natural beauty out there, plants and birds we don't have back on the East Coast.  Yet the sameness outweighed the differences.  In fact, the photo on this post was taken in California, the photo under my "About Me" title was taken in my home town in Florida.  Not much difference is there?

Not long ago, someone asked me what my perfect life would be.  I said, spending my days strolling along the beach, doing yoga, walking around the farmers market, making pottery or painting in my home studio, relaxing on a back deck reading a paperback.  In California.  Yes, I really said I felt like I needed to be in California to live that perfect laid back lifestyle I had envisioned.  But the truth is, I can do all of that anywhere.  Well, maybe not the beach part, where I live now I'm hours and hours away from the nearest sandy shoreline.  But the rest of it, I can do right here, right now.  Yet I don't, and why is that?

If I lived in California, I would still have to go to work every day, I'd still have to do laundry and pull weeds in my garden, I'd still have to vacuum and mop and clean litter boxes, I'd still drink too much caffeine and eat too many carbs.  Living in California- or anywhere else- would not automatically make me eat right and exercise, or finish writing my novel, or be a better person and wife.  I'd still be fat and old and tired and grumpy, and more than likely, still depressed and negative.

Yes I work full time, but that is really no excuse.  When it comes to my life away from the office, I am such a poor time manager, and my days and weeks slip by without me accomplishing a single thing on my "to do" lists.  I have a back deck here- it faces the woods and not the ocean, but I can relax out there in the evenings with a good book.  And I have a home studio already, the bonus room upstairs that J has allowed me to take over with all my paints and glazes and stamps and fabrics, why am I not up there right now creating something for my Etsy shop, which is empty?  We have plenty of farmers markets right here, maybe not as cool as the big one in LA we went to, but I'm not even taking advantage of the ones in my own town now.  And yoga?  I have a mat, stretch pants, and a DVD player- but am I doing my sun salutations every day?  No.

So I came to the realization that, even if I lived in California, I would still be the same me.  If I'm not living my life right now to the fullest today, this week, this year- what difference would the change of scenery make?  It's ME that has to change, not the state I live in.

MISS GEE

Anticipation

My misery factor is fairly low this week.  Things have been better, my head has been clearer.  I've made a few really awesome pieces of pottery that didn't explode in the kiln.  My boss has been either coming in super late or leaving super early this week, which is like a big weight off my shoulders to not have D there.  J decided to NOT apply for the promotion which would mean us packing up and moving and starting over again.  They are hiring a new person for our department to help with the overwhelming workload.  And vacation is 48 hours away.

It's probably the vacation that is making me so happy this week, my mind has already headed out to the West Coast, but it's leaving my fat body behind so it can enjoy some sunny California time without me embarrassing it.  Friday night the rest of me will be out in California as well, with my best friend and Super Husband J at my side.  I admit, in the "I'm spoiled" department, vacations top the list.  Yes we've been to California before, but not for an entire week like this upcoming visit.  (And maybe one sneaky afternoon south of the border.)

One of the joys of being childless, is being selfish with vacations!  We make reservations, call Miss Jane our cat sitter, stop the mail and newspaper, and we're off to wherever we want to go.  This summer we went to Walt Disney because WE wanted to, not because we had to.  And we had a blast, just the two of us. We both have high stress, demanding jobs and at least for me, vacations are the only way I can truly get away from it.  J will still have to work, on his Crackberry and his laptop.  But he's over 2100 miles away so it's not like he'll have to haul his butt into the office on a Saturday, like when we're trying to relax at home and he gets "a call"...

Me, I'm hourly, so no working off the clock.  But, I will come back in that following Monday morning to at least 600 emails.  No, that's not an overly dramatic statement, that's a factual number of emails that usually greet me when I return from being out a week.  My supervisor might have to handle 50 of them, if I'm lucky.  It's a small price to pay, to play on the beaches in Cali-forn-i-a.  And not think about work for a whole week!

MISS GEE

Worth How Many Words?

Okay, my blog is way too boring without any decorations or photos!  I'm going to have to change that.  I can still be anonymous and creative at the same time! No one that I know will ever be on here, I've made sure even J can't track this down.  (And if he did, he wouldn't care, there is nothing on here that he doesn't know about.)

I am sorta new to the digital camera, I've only had one since J bought me my first one when we were dating (a small cheap one, but I love it and still have it) and two years ago at Christmas he bought my AWESOME Canon EOS Rebel T2i which kicks ass- and takes great photos of that ass at the same time.  Anyhow.

I think I've taken a few thousand photos already over the last few years, and every day I find a reason to take more.  Some don't make sense to anyone but me, and that's okay!  So, even if I don't blog every day about my great life but sucky attitude, I can post photos to let everyone know I'm still alive!  And on most days, I do give a damn.

Gotta change this font too, maybe it's just my old eyes, but I am having trouble reading this....

MISS GEE

Real Love

She's the Queen, and still her mommy's favorite after all these years.  Even when she bites.

MISS GEE

Home Is...

When J and I met at work and started dating, we were both homeowners.  Only we lived in two different states, 45 miles apart.  It was challenging to spend time together.  We had abbreviated weekends, and on a good week when our schedules fell into place, we could meet on neutral turf for a nice dinner after work.  About a year into the relationship, J decided to sell his house of about 15 years, and moved into an apartment much closer to work- and me.  Once we were married another year later, we started our new life together in my house.  My very little cozy starter home, which I'd purchased with W.  The ghosts haunted me, not to mention having J's living room furniture shoved into a tiny spare bedroom.  He was perfectly content to stay there, I wanted out- out from under the bad memories and out from under two complete households' worth of furnishings crammed into 1300 square feet.

We bought our new house a few months after we got married, at the height of the market in 2006.  We bought it the week it hit the internet listings, and we paid full asking price for it.  It was older but remodeled, in a beautiful wooded neighborhood that everyone was trying to elbow their way into, and it oozed charm and character from every corner.  It was my dream home, I knew I wanted it just from the pictures online.  Luckily my old house sold quickly, and I made a great profit on it.  And a small inheritance from one of J's relatives, that we immediately put on the mortgage, and we had great equity. We got to enjoy it all of two years.  In 2008 when J was offered a promotion, I was not going to say no.  Although I knew I had to leave behind my home, my friends, my job.  He was the bread winner and my husband, and his career was important to us both.  He's an executive making six figures, I was an hourly cubicle slave- we had to go where his career path led us.

At his level, the company takes care of it all.  They picked the realtor to sell our old house.  They chose our realtor who would sell us a new house, in a new city we had never even been to before.  We had one weekend to swoop in and look at houses and decide.  Talk about pressure!  J had to move immediately, while I stayed behind to tie up loose ends- packing, my job, saying goodbye to friends.  J lived in a furnished apartment- courtesy of the company and his relocation package- and after three months we purchased our current home and I was able to move to this new town, new state at the end of 2008.  My depression worsened as soon as we crossed state lines and ended up here.  We don't love our new house, although it was brand new and we got it for a great price.  It's big with white walls, no trees in the yard, and two empty lots across the street- reminders that the builder went bankrupt with only 2/3 of the subdivision completed.  We've made a few changes here and there, but the house is somewhat boring and after 3 1/2 years we still don't even know any of our neighbors' names.  Work is a 40-minute commute.  We live right outside of a large major city that offers anything we could want, we just don't have the time to go enjoy it very often.

Now J has another promotion possibility looming over him, one he will have to decide about in the next few weeks.  It would mean going through all of this again- living apart for several months, giving up my job, moving to yet another state, settling into another house.  We just don't know if we want to do it all over again.  But we know the only way J will ever get another promotion is if we move- there's no opportunity for him to move up the company ladder where we are right now.  We have no personal or emotional ties to where we live- this house, the town, acquaintances who have never really become friends.  Yet the idea of starting from scratch one more time, at our age, I just am very unsure.  One side of me is excited at the possibilities it might bring, the other side dreads the idea that things could get worse.

I leave the decision up to J, because his career is the cornerstone of everything that we have and we do.  My job is just a paycheck, it means nothing to me and I actually hate it, and I already left all my true friends behind the first time we moved.  I have been unhappy living here, but I am not sure that moving again will solve anything for me.

MISS GEE

Still Stumbling

One issue I struggle with is commitment- which is evident on this new blog.  My plan was to post every day to work out my issues!  

I have a tendency to start a project with a lot of enthusiasm, then slowly lose any desire to continue.  It doesn’t matter what it is, I rarely ever finish anything once I start it.  During the planning stage, my head is so full of ideas and excitement, I can hardly contain it all.  I make copious notes, I research something to death on the internet, find books on the subject, buy whatever supplies I might need.  Whether painting a landscape or tracking calories on a weight loss plan, cleaning out my closet or organizing photos, subscribing to a new magazine or writing a letter to a lifelong friend or enjoying a classic novel I should have read back in college- I start these things but conk out shortly after I get out of the starting gate.  I end up planning it more than I actually end up doing it.

I don’t know why.  I have plenty of time to devote to a number of hobbies and crafts.  And on good days when I’m not in a lot of pain, I have the energy to spend as well.  I have a lot of desire to complete projects, but apparently not enough drive to sustain the effort.  I will vow to whiten my teeth and buy a kit, only to find the strips are expired by the time I decide to ever get around to the process.  I buy plants from the nursery, ready to get them into the ground the next day, but weeks later they are brown and dying, still in the containers I brought them home in.  I pick up vitamins at the pharmacy and set them out on the kitchen counter, and after a few days of being opened, I place them up on the back of a shelf, where they remain forgotten.

I am a serious daydreamer, and I think for me there is a huge disconnect between the plans in my head, and the reality of my capabilities.  In this economy, no one is getting rich from selling pottery or paintings on eBay.  Home improvement projects are meaningless when the value of my house drops faster than I can pay off the Lowe's bill.  Buying a new journal is pointless when I find I have nothing to really say every evening.  I used to think I just procrastinated a lot or got bored easily, but now I see I let things just completely fall by the wayside.  I have years worth of date books, where I chronicled my life for the first month or so, then nothing but eleven months of empty pages.  It's like that every year, no matter how much I tell myself every December this next year I will make entries every single day!  

I even blow off fun projects, easy projects, simple projects .  Oh sure, everyone likes to get excited and start tiling the bathroom floor, only to look at it on day three and think crap I sure have a lot more work to do and this isn't as much fun as I thought it would be.  Me?  I start flipping through a cookbook and never get beyond the appetizer section before it's retired to a dusty shelf in the basement.  That is sad.

And by the way, this is my SIXTH blog that I've started......

If I would follow through with all my “ideas”, I would be the healthiest & wealthiest, sexiest & tannest, most relaxed, organized, balanced person alive with an immaculately clean house and a garden with no weeds and a standing appointment at yoga class every Saturday morning.   I would have read War & Peace twice, I’d have artwork selling like hot cakes online, and I’d finally have my bachelor’s degree and my novel published (the one I can't seem to finish writing).  All of my digital photos would be printed out and neatly arranged in albums.  The junk drawers in my china cabinet would be empty. I'd be back to wearing the skinny jeans I had on when I met J almost ten years ago.

But most days, like today- if I finish this post and get it on my blog- that's a great accomplishment!

MISS GEE