For the last few months of 2012, I sort of stopped living my normal life, waiting to see if we were moving. Now that I know we're not, I'm trying to get back in the swing of things and I'm looking forward to spring already. I've ordered a gazillion different bulbs from online, and I'm waiting for them to show up at my doorstep, excited and ready to start digging holes. The ground doesn't really freeze down here, so I can plant them as soon as they arrive. I'm making plans to expand the flower beds that we created last year, and have hopes of making a few new ones. We live in a new cookie cutter subdivision, and most of the landscapes are still just the sad little green shrubs the builders threw underneath windows in pitifully small beds. I've been adding new bulbs and perennials every year since we moved in, and slowing cutting back or digging up the boring little bushes. I by no means have a green thumb, and I am basically a lazy gardener, which is why I only plant bulbs and perennials. I don't ever bother with annuals, too much work year after year. I want to plant it once and enjoy it forever. I really want a vegetable garden, but J feels like that would be too much work and need too much time for us to keep one going. I try to grow peppers and tomatoes every year in large pots, but even those I tend to forget to water, and when they do grow, the deer strip everything right off them. Maybe this year I'll put them upstairs on our deck instead of downstairs on our patio.
I've not been doing much pottery or exercising at all, but I want 2013 to be a year of change for us, to find better balance with our work and home life. We are both so tired when we come home every night, we rarely do anything but eat dinner, watch TV for me, and get on the computer for him. We are both overweight, tired, out of shape, and not in great health. That's not what I want for us, and he certainly doesn't either, and we can't wait until we're in our 50's before we start working on our physical and mental well-being. I want to enter our retirement in fantastic health and ready to enjoy it from day one. I've got to get in the habit of doing something creative and productive every night. I don't even have to give up my favorite shows on TV- I've got one in front of my treadmill, and one in the room I brazenly call my art studio. My personal five year plan, is to have my Etsy shop and art fair business going now with my pottery and painting, so that it will be a potential income for the rest of my life, even if it's just a modest success. As J told me this morning when we were talking about it, we've got to have our exit strategies in place now, instead of quitting our jobs and saying- now what, and where do I begin? And I know part of getting to that point, is going to be better health and energy for me, because I do struggle so much with exhaustion when I get home at night. My "home balance" is sadly out of whack right now. Even if I just spend one hour a night upstairs in my craft room, that's an achievable goal in the right direction.
I also have to focus on what I see as failings as a wife, although J would argue with this entire paragraph. I was raised by a mother who stayed home and kept an immaculate house and served a wonderful dinner every night. And she still does, even though my parents are in their 70's. My dad still works, because he wants to, and my mom still irons clothes and mows the lawn. I suspect I'm a bit old-fashioned as well, when it comes to my ideas on what a great wife should be like. I am terrible at keeping the house clean and orderly, and as far as my cooking, well no one has ever died from it but I have nights I actually apologize to J about it. My husband never complains, ever. He gets annoyed when I say I'm sorry- about the kitchen counter not being spotless, or the chicken being overcooked. He does not want me to apologize or feel somehow inadequate. But it makes me feel like shit when my husband, who works harder than anyone I know, comes home and cleans litter boxes or unloads the dishwasher (I say I'm lazy, he says I've work hard all day and I'm just tired). He shouldn't have to do those things, I should keep the house clean and get a handle on all the domestic responsibilities. But he does housework willingly and with joy, because he loves me for working almost as many hours as he does. While that sometimes helps with my guilty feelings, it still does not make me feel like a good wife. I know I've got to get over that, and one way is to find better, quicker, easier ways to clean and cook, and still work 10-12 hours a day. It's actually very important to my self-esteem. I am honored that my husband loves me and wants me as his wife and partner, and I just have days where I don't believe I measure up.
MISS GEE
I love this photo from my parents' 50th anniversary party a few months ago- my sister, my rockin' mom, and me.
