Waiting For Changes

Not much new going on here, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.  The season marches towards summer a little bit more every day.  It's been in the 80's late in the day, but this morning it was only 61 so I had to shut off the AC and open the windows, at least until it becomes unbearable (I can take up to 75 degrees inside but that's my limit!).  Pretty soon fresh air will be just a distant memory once we hit June and July.  Growing up on the beach I didn't know anything BUT heat.  Still, in this area it doesn't get quite as hot, very few days in the 90's, so I'm happy with that.  Besides the fresh air, having the windows open fills the house with sounds. I've blogged oodles about the birds in my yard, and right now bird songs are being drowned out by the peeps and cheeps of hungry baby birds everywhere.  We have at least a dozen bird houses all over our property and they seem to stay occupied.  Our back deck seems to be a haven, and every morning we watch (and hear) the ritual of parents feeding fledglings.  Over coffee earlier today I was entranced by a purple finch daddy feeding two boisterous babies.  Once they flew off, a baby dove showed up with its parent.  This dove duo has been hanging out on the deck for about a week now, it's like mom is dropping him off at daycare and he sits in the shade of the chaise for a few hours while she goes off.  The baby blue birds seem to prefer perching up on our roofline and their noisy chirps drift down through the chimney and out the fireplace, then echo across my living room.  The deer in the backyard are so close to the house I can actually here them snorting and snuffling.  Out in the pine trees and oaks, the squirrels and jays are chattering and squawking at each other, fighting over corn and seed and the old bread scraps I toss out there to them.  The neighbor's dog has been barking nonstop since the school bus went by.  Another neighbor is busy with home improvements and I can hear saws and hammers working away.

I live on a cul-de-sac, and that's about it for sounds on our street.  Later on in the day, it will be airplanes overhead, a constant stream of them as we live right on a flight path for the world's busiest airport.  We live where the planes are coming in, and we can hear the whine and then whoosh of their engines shift down as they are descending. We're thirty minutes from the airport, but it's still an evening event seven days a week, the aerial traffic rush starting around 3pm and lasting until bedtime. I like to sit in the driveway and count the planes, sometimes there will be a dozen coming towards us in the sky at one time. Almost like the interstate.  I'm so used to it, I tune it out.  And finally, the garden here is coming awake.  I have mostly summer plants and summer bulbs, so spring is just plain greenery every year.  The first of my lilies bloomed this week, gigantic pink and white things with perfume so dense it will make you a bit weak if you get too close to them.

My Etsy shops are doing pretty good, and I've thought about opening up a third one.  I revamped my original shop and relaunched new products, and have made a few quick sales already.  My second shop, which is all my vintage and estate sale finds, has always done well but for a few months now I haven't listed anything new.  My goal this week is to take photos and get things online. I can't sell them if they aren't out there where the public can see them.  I am finding the vintage shop is just as viable as the pottery.  I confess I know nothing about antiques, I just know what I like, and so far my eye has been sharp.  J will always say I have expensive taste.  Not on purpose.  It just seems that what draws my attention  is quality.  I've had a couple of estate sale pieces lately that I paid one or two dollars for, and found online they are worth $40 or $50.  You can't argue with that!  I only know that I buy what I like, because I might get stuck with it.  I like old pottery or porcelain figurines, small plates and bowls, planters, things of that nature.  I've done well buying old kitchen tidbits as well- rolling pins, tin molds, utensils, glass measuring cups- items from the 50's are all the rage right now.  Sometimes I buy things knowing darn well I intend to keep them! J and I were supposed to set up at a huge antique and craft show this weekend, bigger than any show I've ever done, but last weekend he had an anxiety attack thinking about it- all the work and prep he still had to do, displays he had to build- and he admitted he didn't really want to do the show.  I said no problem, and it's really not.  We lost our deposit, but that's a small price to pay for the hubby's peace of mind.  Instead we're headed off to the mountains for the weekend, probably the last time for awhile.  Then the next weekend my parents will be here for 4-5 days for the holiday.  No plans, just hanging out, grilling out, playing cards.  My mom loves to work in my garden, my dad loves to putter in our garage with J.

J is in a bit of a holding pattern.  His new "job" started last Monday but he's still at his old office.  Every day he's been packing up his personal things and bringing them home.  Mostly it's all work stuff- notebooks and such that he will continue to use with his new position.  He thinks he will start the full time travel by June.  He has a conference call with his "new" boss today, so I'm sure that will be discussed.  So far he's just been doing his same old job with not much interaction with his new boss.  But it's been interesting, some people he has worked with these last 8 years are suddenly treating him like a leper.  I guess that is just jealousy- he's moving up and on, they are not.  He's had some of the supervisors under him say "No, I won't do this report, I don't work for you anymore."  Technically they are right! But it's like a little kid having a temper tantrum and telling daddy no I don't wanna.  I just can't imagine having one of your longtime employees look at you and so suddenly and flippantly say NO.  Wow.  He is letting it all go, but I think inside it's bugging him.  But in about two weeks it won't matter, he won't see them anymore.  The other day he was working on a project and one of his employees looked at him and said "Why do you even care, you don't work here anymore."  People seem to forget that he is not leaving the company, just taking a new position with the corporate office. Then again, most people are assholes anyhow, so it could just be that.

J is having self doubts about his decision.  Mostly I think he is a bit scared of the unknown and lacking confidence in himself.  He will be doing the same thing he does now, only at different warehouses every week and with different people.  Once the newness wears off I imagine it will be very routine and very much a job at which he will excel.  J is going to use this time to focus on new things.  He knows he will have more free time in the evenings, and he doesn't want to get into the routine of eating sloppy fast food, plopping down in front of the TV in the hotel room, and falling asleep at 8:30pm.  Exercise will be a priority.  He wants to start reading more each night, something he never allows himself to do unless we're on vacation.  J will get a $50 a day allowance for food, and he's already making plans to spend it at the grocery store instead of restaurants or the drive-thru.  He's like me, he knows what he should eat, but has problems resisting the more unhealthy temptations.  That's why we're both overweight.  For me, I plan to clear out the pantry and freezer of any garbage and get back on the right track.  And I'm hoping that once I can start eating dinner at 5:30 instead of 8:30 like we do now, I will see and feel a difference.  It's sad to think that we have to be apart for each of us to work on our weight and health and bad habits, but I think together we indulge each other too much.  If he says he wants ice cream, I will say okay honey, when I should be saying no that's terrible for your diabetes!  If I say let's order an appetizer, he will say sure whatever you want, when he should say no a burger and onion rings is enough we don't need fried pickles too.  But we always say "yes dear" to each other, and over the years it has shown up on our waistlines.

But after saying all of this, after sharing all these beautiful thoughts in these paragraphs about how great our life is, I still spend my afternoons struggling with my depression.  It comes in rolling waves, not the gentle ones at the beach that lap at your ankles, but the angry crashing kind that knock you off your feet- then drown you. Mostly it's still late in the afternoon, from about 3pm to 6pm.  I still can't find a trigger, and I may never figure it out.  I still think it's more physical than anything, that I'm running out of energy and the depression comes swooping in to swallow up my tired mind and aching body, and I'm so listless I can't fight it off.  Right now I'm mostly just trying to realize that's it okay - if I need to just stop whatever I'm doing, go sit on the couch and watch some mindless TV, then that's what I will do and I will stop feeling guilty about it.  It makes me wonder, once J starts traveling during the week, if I will still get this little time pocket of blue spells and brain pain every day.  It's hard for me to understand why I can have such a terrific life and still be so frigging sad and unhappy all the time.  It's like my head and heart are disconnected from the world going on around me.  It's like even though I have a clear path and good directions, I still end up getting lost.  And when you are alone, sometimes you feel like there is no one there to help find you.  You're on your own with that. No compass, map, GPS.

Normally I break out of my sinking moods around the time J is calling in the evening to say he's heading home in a bit, and I have to jump up and start fussing over the dinner prep.  Maybe those actions alone change my thinking pattern enough to pull me away from the darkness.  Then J is home and we talk or sit outside in lawn chairs or make weekend plans or just exist in the same room together, and I'm not having sad thoughts, I don't have that heaviness in my chest. But I won't have that now, so will I snap out of the afternoon doldrums on my own?  I do know the few times that J has traveled for work, he calls me, a lot. From the airport, from the car rental lot, from the hotel, any time he's in the car, before he goes to bed and right when he wakes up.  Lots of texts, emails, photos.  On a normal workday here, I never hear from him at all during the day, not even emails because he's so damn busy he can't breath.  Now he might actually have more time to talk to me!

For the rest of May we'll be in limbo, nothing really changing, nothing new happening.  Then June will finally see the household upended, perhaps for the next few years. We both are confident it was a good decision for J and his career, and a great decision for our future and retirement.

We definitely looked at the overall bigger picture on this, but we may find the day to day life tripping us up.

MISS GEE

Red

Out of all the emotions that humans experience, anger seems to be the one I suffer from the most.  It's getting better, a LOT better, but it's still something I must continue to work through.  The frustrating part is, I don't know where it all comes from.  I even have days when I drive angry, and boy you don't want to be that person in front of me doing 44 in a 45 zone.  In the past I used to laugh it off and just say, well I'm Italian so I have a hot temper.  A temper is one thing- you yell or blow up at something, then it passes.  Anger is another animal completely.  It lingers deep inside, hunkers down into dark crevices and builds a home there, living, feeding off you, chewing up anything good that comes into your soul.

Last Friday at my weekly support group meeting, a newer member spoke up about her anger issues and how badly she is struggling with trying to deal with it. She was sitting right beside me, hiding in the back row like I've always done for all these years.  Her anger was at her father, an abusive alcoholic.  He was dead, and she couldn't understand why she was still angry at him, and more than that she couldn't understand why she couldn't let that anger go.  She described how she would go pick up his urn from her bookshelf and shake his ashes, listening to his bone fragments rattle around.  If that isn't a powerful visualization of what anger is, I don't know what else could top that! After the meeting I sat and talked to her, shared my story of my abusive ex W and the torment of my first marriage, and told her I too was still dealing with anger stemming from a relationship that ended over a decade ago.  She asked me what I was angry about.  I tried to explain I was angry at him for ruining those years of my life, for treating me like he did, for making me feel like shit when I did nothing to deserve it. Mostly, I was still angry at myself for getting into the situation and not recognizing the warning signs.  They were there, from day one, but I didn't want to see any of them.

She seemed to take comfort in the fact that others out there were facing the same struggles.  Her issue was also equal parts anger at her abuser as well as herself.  I told her it's easy to forgive others, but when you are angry at yourself, that's the one that seems to linger the longest.  And I don't know why.  J has a difficult time understanding why I am still mad at my ex, why I just don't put the past where it belongs- behind me.  The first marriage ended without any drama, I will never ever see him again, and my life with J is magical and amazing.  Yet I still sometimes dwell on that evil first husband of mine. WHY?!  I guess if I could answer that, I would not be writing this post.  I do feel as though I've started to let some of it go.  I don't think about that time in my life as often as I used to.  I certainly don't think about him anymore.  But the anger is still there in me.

J is very very even-tempered.  He gets frustrated, but never angry, and he certainly doesn't hold grudges.  It's been hard for him to deal with his older sister, who is going through anger issues of her own, at their parents.  She doesn't want to talk about it, just says she's dealing with it, getting counseling, but in the meantime she still doesn't want to be around her parents.  The last few visits we've made there, she hasn't shown up, and that is unfortunate because while J and his other sister make efforts to gather the family, his older sister is missing out on it.  This weekend when we go for Mother's Day, an absolute annual trek, his older sister has already said she and her family will not be participating.  I feel bad for J, because when we visit his parents, that's the only opportunity to visit his sister as well.  And for the first time since I've been with J, she does not want to spend this holiday with the rest of the family.

I don't want my anger with my past to control any of my current situations.  I don't want to let my anger make me miss out on any happiness I may feel today.  I "understand" what my sister-in-law is going through, but I guess the difference is my anger is directed at someone who is no longer in my life and I will never see again.  Her issues are with her parents, who are still alive and well, living in the same town and very confused as to why their oldest daughter no longer wants to be in their life.  It's sad, but J just shrugs and says that it's her issues to deal with and he is going to continue to spend time with his parents and his other sister and her kids.  He knows he can't help his big sis, and she hasn't reached out to him.

I'm not saying no one should ever be angry.  It's a complicated emotion, but a relevant one as well.  I would never dismiss anyone for feeling it.  There are times when it's appropriate to feel anger- at human suffering, mistreatment of animals, the injustices in our world.  Anger sometimes propels you forward, launches ideas and movements to better the environment around you.  But anger should never be allowed to rob you of your life, your joy in today, and it shouldn't dictate your future.  It shouldn't hurt, you or others!  I read an article this morning that said anger usually stems from the perception that something has been taken from you.  I get that.  I get how I'm angry at W for wasting my younger years, taking away my self-esteem, crushing the dreams that I'd once had before I met him.  I get that J's sister is angry about things in her own childhood, how growing up in tough times on a farm with ultra-strict overly religious parents "robbed" her of a normal adolescence.

Mostly I think anger is a destructive force, an infectious disease.  I see how my sister-in-law's anger is upsetting the entire family.  J is distraught that she can't even give an hour on a Saturday evening to come see him when he's in town, simply because she doesn't want to be around her parents.  His other sister is frustrated as well, I could hear it in her voice on the phone this week while making Mother's Day plans with J.  Not only is their sister removing herself from the family, but now her grown children- and their children- are "siding" with her as well. Her issues with her parents have now spread to her kids not wanting to be around their grandparents who love them and dote on them.  And that is the real crime.  Grandparents in their late 70's, who won't be around much longer, are not spending their time with their cherished grandchildren.  Everyone is hurting and confused.  Even so, I do not discount the fact that my sister-in-law is in obvious pain and she has the right to feel that pain and anger.  I just hate the way it's become the main focus for the entire clan.

I see how my lingering anger sometimes spills over into my marriage with J because the old voices in my head still plague me, reminding me of the worst moments of my past.  J is not W. He never will be.  I'm in a safe place now.  Once upon a time, I used the anger to help make my decision to get away from the abuse.  But that's long over and will never happen again. For me anger is a vicious cycle, I actually find that I get angry at myself for being angry!  Then the anger causes the negative self-talk.  Why can't I let it go?  What is wrong with me?  I'm just acting stupid.  I'm overly dramatic.  Maybe my ex was right when he said I was worthless.  I must be flawed somehow, to hold so tightly to this old anger, not able to shake it off and lock it away in a box somewhere.

Anger should never paralyze you.  It should never prevent you from learning and growing and moving forward.  It should never keep you from being in the moment, pursuing healthy relationships.  Mostly it should never be directed at the ones you love- and that includes yourself! I will continue to work on this.

MISS GEE