Stumbling Badly

Oh my, I am feeling so lost right now, and I'm at a point where it is just a struggle to get through the day, hour by hour.  I am going through a spell where absolutely everything seems overwhelming and insurmountable.  Work, home, life.  We continue to rest in a state of limbo with J's job- the interview process was lengthy and detailed.  He's been told he's the number one choice, but no offer has been presented, not even a single word from anyone.  J is going about his normal routine, and of course I am so stressed I feel like a guillotine is hanging over my neck, never inching closer yet never backing off.  We have not even decorated for Christmas, because any day we might hear that we have to start packing up our house.  J said, don't even put up the tree or string lights in the yard, if we will just have to put them right back in a box in a week or two.  I'm in quite a funk over this, even though it makes perfect practical sense- the last time we moved, it was also at Christmas and we went without a tree or decorations that year too.  But driving through our neighborhood and seeing everyone's houses lit up, and sneaking peeks of Christmas trees through front windows, is making my blues a deep shade of midnight.  And it's not helping that I've already fallen head over heels in love with a few houses in the town we may move to, so I just sit there and stare at the photos online and think, okay, when will we find out if we get to move on or stay put?  Will those homes be available by the time we know?  It sucks tremendously to have my future in someone else's hands right now.  J just shrugs it all off, stoic and nonplussed about it.

I had a very brief moment of bliss in the mountains for Thanksgiving, but reality was waiting on me as soon as I returned.   Reality being work, that is.  It is crazy stupid busy at work right now, I don't know any other way to say it.  It would be hard for me to explain what I do, but it involves a tremendous amount of computer work and documents and reports.  I work with our sales force.  Only one of me, 200 of them, and about 1500 accounts.  Yeah, that's right.  And I'm technically only supposed to work 8-5 because I'm an hourly slob, but in the 3 years I've been at that office, I've worked mostly 10, sometimes 12 hour days.  I went in at 6:15 this morning and thought, wow, I am not staying late again tonight.  I am physically exhausted to the point where my body is hurting.  And all I do is sit at a desk all day long.  Normally I love all my sales people, but the closer it gets to end of the year deadlines, the more insanity there is- from them and with me, too.  And I have a very demanding and VERY unhelpful boss who comes in well after 8am, and never bothers to stay until 5pm.  Two days a week she leaves at 3pm for something to do with her daughter's cheerleading squad.  Yesterday she came in at 11:15 because she had a personal errand.  Must be frigging nice is all I have to say.  But if you mention to her that you are struggling and need relief, she flaps her arms around and starts complaining about how much she has to do and how busy she is and she can't keep up.  Well, try working more than 6 hours a day, that might help. Today I left at 5pm sharp, pissed off, because every day like clockwork at 4:55, my phone and my email and my instant message all explode with sales people needing something.  Today I thought, f*ck that sh*t I'm going home.  It's not my problem that they've all waited until the end of the workday to have a crisis that could have probably been handled at 2pm.

Home has not been much better for me lately, because it just illuminates the areas of my life where I feel like a huge failure.  Mostly because I am so tired I can't even concentrate on anything at all.  I have days, like today, where I wish for just one minute I was still single.  I love J with every speck of my soul, and I adore our kitty-kids, but my god I have nights where I want to disappear and be so alone.  I can't even sit down on the couch with a dish of ice cream, I have cats clambering all over me.  There is no peace, no solitude, and if I close the door to a room and try to be alone, there are little paws pounding at it, or a sweet caring husband who wants to know what's wrong and what can he do to help.  There is no alone at my house. Even when J isn't home yet, it's still not like being alone alone.  I don't know how to explain it.  I mean, I wish I was alone with no one and no responsibilities and no place to be at any particular time and no one to wonder after me.  I wish I could fall into some pit where no one would find me. But I have too many people who love me and care about me and worry about me, so there is no escape.  I don't want to permanently go away, I just want a moment of nothingness now and again.

I am at a crossroads right now, even if we don't end up moving.  My whole life, my every ounce of energy, is sucked up by my job.  I've devoted 11 years to the company, and every day I grow to hate it just a little more, and every day I say to myself I just can't take it anymore, and every day I come back in there to do it all over again.  That has to be the definition of idiotic. I have to turn in my resignation one way or the other.  Either I leave because I am moving out of state, or I quit to save my life.  The paycheck just isn't worth it anymore. My life is passing me by quickly, it's halfway over already.  My headstone will read "She was a great employee" and that is NOT what I want to be remembered for.  But right now, it's the only thing I've got going in my life.  So sad. So wrong.

It is 7:30 pm.  I am going to bed.  I am weary to the bone.  I don't even care tonight.

MISS GEE

Limbo

2012 has been a year of changes for us.  We lost two of our elderly cats.  We lost two dear family members.  We had a new baby brought into the family, but also lost one at birth as well.  I got a new boss who belittles and degrades me at every opportunity.  And now I am holding my breath, waiting to see if I will be moving again and starting this all over in another state.  J has his third and final interview today- this time with the corporate executives in Chicago- and then we will probably know by the end of this week if he got the promotion.  And even more, we will find out if the salary is something we can say yes to.  J is now concerned if he says NO after all of this hoopla, the company will blacklist him and never consider him for another promotion ever again.  He feels like it may come down to, no matter what they offer him, he will have to accept it.  The job he has applied for is already vacant, and they want someone in that role as soon as possible.  Which will leave me behind and alone for a few months.  I did it before, but it doesn’t mean I’m looking forward to it again.

We’ve been looking at houses down there online, and trying to scout out the town on different websites and using the yellow pages (to see what shops and restaurants are there).  Last week when J went to interview in person he was able to drive around town and a few neighborhoods.  I think he’s way more excited to move than I am.  But he told me this weekend, this move would probably be temporary as well.  His next goal on the company ladder, would be a regional job, which would require us moving yet again in a few years.  But this is what I signed up for, I knew J was going to pursue higher levels within the company.  I do really like the house we are in right now, it was brand new when we bought it, and it sort of makes me sad to turn it over to someone else after all the hard work I've done in my garden and the personal decorating touches I’ve put on our home.  But we’ve not made any connections to anyone or anything in the community, and other than one or two co-workers we go to lunch with, neither of us have made friends since we moved here four years ago.  So I’m not sure where my trepidation is coming from, when I think about leaving.  Other than the fact that I don’t deal with change- or stress- very well.  This would definitely be a stressful situation for me, staying behind to pack up the house, get it on the market, and still be working full time.  I do not look forward to that.  But it is what it is, and if that is what I have to do for my husband, then I will do it.  But, what would I be leaving behind that is making me feel so blue right now?

I’m also not really thrilled about leaving a company I’ve been at for 11 years.  I’m 46 next month,  I’ve worked full time for 27 years, and I’ve only worked at four companies in all those years.  I don’t change jobs very often.  I love where I work, but I can’t stand my new boss D.  I’m pretty easy to get along with, but my new supervisor is young and has never supervised anyone before, and her people skills (and manners) are atrocious.  She was sent to a managerial training course, but apparently she forgot to take any notes.  I would be very happy to no longer be working for her.  That would be the only reason I’d be okay giving up this job.  Although it makes me mad at the thought of this person “running” me off from a company I’ve worked at for a lot longer than she has, or will.  But I’m going off on a tangent with that subject.  I would be leaving to support J and our family, not because D finally got the better of me.  Today I found out that she knew that I may be leaving, and when I tried to talk to her about it, she didn’t respond and gave me a look that told me, she truly doesn’t give a shit if I stay or leave- which of course I already knew.  Makes me feel really great if it ends up that I do stay.

MISS GEE

Going Again?

I have been torn lately.  A few weeks ago I posted about J applying for a promotion in another state, and he decided not to do it.  It was not really an area of the country we were interested in living long term. I was secretly relieved because I wasn't too keen on moving again, especially to a similar town that was only two hours away.  But another job promotion came up, the one he's been waiting for, and he applied.  He has a second interview this week, and it looks like he will be a front runner for the job.  It's 600 miles south of here, and less than an hour from my hometown, where my parents and my sister and her family still live.  J and I vacation down there every year. Although my hometown is actually right on the beach, where we might potentially be moving is inland and somewhat rural.  My hometown, I could hop in the car and be sitting out at the beach in about 15 minutes.  It's how I grew up, and I lived there until I was 30. I've been away from there for 16 years now.

I always knew J, who grew up on a farm near the Smokey Mountains, wanted to retire down there- eventually.  I thought maybe when we were in our 60's.  Not going back down there while I'm still in my 40's.  So I am not thrilled with the idea, and yet it is an opportunity for us both, one that- if he gets a job offer and more importantly if the money is right- I don't know that we can afford to pass this up. Me?  I always wanted to retire to up where he's from, in the mountains, where it's hilly and cool and green and snows.  I never thought I would have to go back and live in the heat and humidity and mosquitos and flat flat flat lands of my home state.  But as much as I dislike my home state, I love J even more, and this is where he wants to be at.  And I want to be wherever he's at.

If they make him an offer, and it's the amount he wants, he is going to accept the position.  It will be like 2008 all over again, where he had to start the new job right away and lived in a furnished apartment the company provided, while I stayed behind and continued to work and pack up the house.  That was for three months, but J was close enough he came home every weekend.  This time, at 600 miles away, he would not be able to do that.  It would mean weeks of separation at a time, lasting several months.  He might be able to fly home once a month or so. There is the half of me that just cringes at the thought of not seeing him day after day, but there is the half of me that tries to be optimistic and thinks that, living alone for awhile would give me more time to devote to exercise, diet, my art, and just being quiet.

J's greatest desire in life, is to see me happy and healthy no matter where we are living, and he knows right now I'm not either.  I said to him, what if we move and I don't find a job right away or, what if I don't want to go back to work as an office slave for 50+ hours a week.  He said he didn't care if I went back to work part time or even not at all, but if I don't work, he says my number one priority is going to be taking care of myself.  He said if I'm not working, he wants me to get healthy both in body and mind.  He wants me to go back to being the old me- going to the gym, walking the neighborhood at night and on the weekends, selling my pottery and paintings online, going back to Weight Watchers meetings, having coffee with friends on Saturday mornings.  He said if we move, I have to promise I won't sit around in the house all day with the shades drawn, falling into a deep depression- which is what happened when we moved here.  And he knows that if not working is the key to me getting healthy, then that is what he wants more than the extra paycheck coming in.

I don't know.  I love that I have a husband who wants what's best for me and is supportive enough to give me the tools and the time to do it.  My ideal life would be not rushing home at night exhausted and throwing slop on the table because it's quick and easy, and spending 8 hours on Saturday doing laundry because I haven't had time to catch up during the work week.  I miss going to Weight Watchers and spinning and yoga, I miss having an organic grocery store and a bakery or coffee shop in my neighborhood, and I do miss taking care of myself and J.  But I also like having a job where I make $50,000 a year for just working in an office, and if I want a new Dooney or a new pair of Uggs, I go get them because I earn my "own" money.

I will have to give all of that up, and that's a nice income.  Yet I know I would have to give that up in order to get to the core of the "real" me and do what I truly want, and what I truly love.  I have all of those external things, a closet filled with them, and I'm no happier than I was at 25 when I worked two jobs just to struggle to pay my basic bills in my little apartment.  J understands that too, and if he gets this job and we move, it might overhaul my entire life for the better. Still, there is a little voice in my head that says, if we move, my life might suck even worse.  And some days that little scared voice is louder than my husband's strong words of encouragement and excitement for the future.  I don't know which one to listen to, and which one is telling me the truth.

MISS GEE

Balance

Yes, I'm up early on a Saturday morning, really early.  J is already gone, he was meeting a buddy to go off and be a guy for the day.  And I have an early morning eye doctor appointment anyway.  Plus our old mattress just really sucks and once I'm "awake", my back is so sore it makes it almost unbearable to continue to lay there. I gave it awhile, then finally got on up.  I am normally up early on the weekends, and I let J sleep in for a bit.  I like to have a quiet moment with my coffee and read the paper before all the housework and errands begin.  We work so much during the week, we have to cram everything else in on the weekends- fun and chores.  This weekend will be about fun and unwinding after a stressful week for J.  I am staying home and catching up on stuff- laundry, my flower and herb garden, reading, and hopefully making some new pottery.

J and I try to have a good balance between time together and time as individuals. It's important for us both.  I'm not a nagging wife, and I'm not a distrustful wife.  I was happy to go out to dinner last night with him, and then let him go off for the day with his best buddy.  He needs time to go enjoy activities that I don't necessarily love, and I need time to do things where I don't need another person attached to my hip.  For J it's manly stuff like playing poker, sports, the firing range, golf.  For me, it's reading or painting, or strolling the aisles at the craft store to see what's new.  We have a lot of pastimes that we do both love and share, and some weekends we spend every minute together.  But this is one of those weekends where we both need to step away from the real world for just a day or two, and do our own thing.  It works for us, and I'm grateful that I have a husband who shares this philosophy.

But while we have great balance as a couple, I myself have horrible balance for my overall life.  And J had a frank discussion with me about that last night at dinner. Well, more like me listening to fatherly advice, which is weird because J is younger than me.  He is concerned about my health, both physical and emotional, but mostly physical.  And it's not even all the weight I've gained, because as a heavy man he knows it's easy to gain and hard to lose.  I told him, I don't know how to work full time and then do anything else.  I work about 50 hours a week, sometimes more, and I have a 40-minute one-way commute.  (J works even longer hours!)  I leave the house at 6:30am or earlier, and sometimes I don't get back home until 7:00pm or later.  There isn't much time in between.  By the time I make dinner, pack lunch for the next day, lay out my clothes and such for the next morning, it's bedtime!  Rarely during the week do I have (make) time to take care of all the "me" things.  And at work, I have a tendency to get very stressed out and keep myself going with lots of caffeine, sugar, and carbs.  (Read: coffee, soda, junk food)

I am not complaining about having a job, I make what I feel is good money.  I don't know what jobs pay in other parts of the country, but I am happy with my salary and because I'm hourly, the extra work means extra dollars.  I am glad that I can contribute to our family in that way.  But in the meantime, while I'm bringing home that paycheck, I am steadily gaining weight, losing energy, finding more aches and pains, and seem to get more depressed.  I am definitely not the girl that J met and fell in love with, and he hasn't change ONE bit!  And there are things going on at work right now that, for the next 2-3 months, will mean a lot more extra hours for me.  Yet J is in the process of perhaps changing our lives again, hopefully for the better, and I will post about that maybe tomorrow- it's been on my mind a lot but I haven't found the right words yet to discuss it.

MISS GEE