One of my biggest struggles in life is that despite the fact that I turn 48 this year, I have never ever felt like an adult, like a grown-up. I used to tell myself it was because I didn't have the responsibility of children, but I'm not sure that is even the real reason. Last week one of my older relatives told me that she thought of me as "ageless". I'm not sure if she was making a comment on my looks, the way I act, or just me being me. And a longtime friend referred to me recently as a "lady of leisure" which I took offense to, but I'm not quite sure I should have. I don't think she meant it as a snub- this friend who worked two jobs as a single mother of three boys- but I automatically became defensive and that's how I took it. Someone without responsibilities.
On Facebook I see the friends I went to high school with, planning our class reunion for this summer- 30th!- and there are photos of their children getting married or graduating college, and lots of photos of grandchildren too. Wow.
I do admit, I have always equated being an adult with working hard, and I think of immaturity and laziness going hand in hand. And I have always been, at the end of the day, lazy. Even when I was working 13 hour days, even when I was working two full-time jobs at the same time back in my early 30's. I thought of myself as lazy because once I got home, I totally shut down, I was totally wiped out. Physically, mentally. A responsible adult would have shaken it off and grabbed the vacuum at 10pm because the carpet was in desperate need of cleaning, and 10pm was the only time to get it done. But I was crawling into bed at 9:30 at night, cussing myself out because I saw that dirty carpet and told myself, I'll get to it later. It made me feel like less of an adult. Really. Ignoring dishes in the sink or stains on the carpet, are things fraternity boys do, because they don't care. Because they are immature. Because they are not adults.
And maybe my depression does play a part in how I feel about it. I don't have the energy, the drive, the desire that most people do. I still give in to impulses, I can still waste precious time on doing nothing. Adults don't do that. Adults focus on the task at hand and complete it. Adults are responsible for the space and world around them. I got a really late start in life, compared to most of my other friends. Oh I had boyfriends early on, and went out, had friends, went to parties, did plenty of after school activities, joined clubs, traveled with the marching band, blah blah. But I was painfully shy back then too. I was so shy, I couldn't even pick up the phone and call to order a pizza. And if someone else made the call, I was too shy to go to the front door when the delivery arrived.
I still lived at home into my early 20's, even when I was going to college. My mother didn't work outside the home, and she did all the housework. Whether I was at school, or at work, when I came home the house was clean, my laundry was done, dinner was ready, and she even made my bed. Yep. When I moved out, it was to move in with my first husband. I had a lot to learn, and I would schlep back home with dirty clothes so mommy would wash not only mine, but his as well. I only lived about two miles away. Many afternoons she would sneak over to my apartment, to let our dog out for a potty break, but she would end up washing last night's pots and pans still sitting on the stove, or scrubbing up the bathrooms.
I moved out of state when I was 30, no mom around to lean on. Yet I never really grew up. One of my secret burdens was that I was scared to drive. Didn't even learn how until I was 30, and I had to because I was alone in a strange place and my ex worked on the road during the week. I think not driving until I was twice the legal age to get a learner's permit, stunted my venture into adulthood beyond repair. I was always dependent on someone else- parents, W, the county bus line- to get me to where I wanted to be. How healthy is that? It's not like I lived in New York City where everyone takes public transportation. I lived on a tiny Gulf town for cryin' out loud. If I wanted to go out to the beach, I took the bus, or asked my mom. In fact, my parents even dropped me off at the restaurant for my first date with W. I was 24!!
I can remember once when an encyclopedia salesman- you youngsters don't remember those days- asked over the phone if I could meet him to look at the set I was interested in. I told him I didn't drive, and the first thing he asked me was, oh are you handicapped? So, "not" driving as an adult automatically signaled to a stranger that something must be wrong with me. Of course his question was grossly insensitive and I got offended and although I truly intended to buy the encyclopedias, I instead told him no thanks and hung up.
A good friend had a hard rock band in those days, and actually had two albums released. In the liner notes, where the band gives thanks to all their supporters, he listed my nickname as "No License To Drive". Yeah, really. Funny at the time, but that was apparently how people saw me in those days. Years later, when I would run into classmates I hadn't seen in forever, almost every person asked me right away, so are you driving yet? Totally totally embarrassing.
I'm not shy anymore, and I drive like a pro now. But I still don't feel like I ever reached that threshold, the one that separates the crazy, irresponsible 20-somethings from the old middle-aged, menopausal housewives. I know my "age", and I feel it in my bones every morning when I get up, but I don't feel it in my heart. When you have no one to answer to, how do you define your place in life? My parents always babied me, J has always taken care of me. I've never had that defining sink or swim moment, besides the year I was going through my divorce. But in the great master plan of life, that seems like the blink of an eye now. I had support- family, friends- so the only responsibility I had was showing up at the right courtroom at the right time.
I suppose there are pros and cons to not having heavy burdens in life. Feeling young at heart, as the saying goes. But I also feel like a phony, a fake, someone pretending to be all grown-up. I feel like someone is going to point their finger and laugh, because they've found me out. A scared girl, incapable, hiding in the body of a tired old woman.
MISS GEE
---Home Sweet Home---
