Motionless

Right now I am preoccupied with thoughts about turning my life upside down, and I'm trying NOT to have those thoughts.  But by trying not to think about it, it's ALL that I do think about!  This is one of those moments where my anxiety level shrieks at me, over something that probably will not even happen.  But my mind apparently doesn't understand that this is just a drill, it thinks this is an emergency.

J recently applied for a new job.  With another company.  In another city.

I know I've gone through this before.  It's how we ended up here in 2008 in the first place.  And we went through this back in 2012 when J put in for a promotion, the one he didn't get after being told he was their number one choice.  Moving for J's career is nothing new, and I've always expected it to happen again eventually.  This time feels different, we are being sneaky and deceptive, because J has applied for a job with a big competitor.  We haven't even shared it with our family.  J's company would grab him up and march him out the front door today, if they found out.  Yes, really really.  We've seen it before. Truth is, there are currently a lot of situations at work that have many employees leaving in droves.  Like, quitting without any notice whatsoever.  And a lot of them are going to the company where J just sent his resume.

J has worked at his company for almost 18 years now, since he was 30.  But he's about as far as he's going to get where he's at currently, and not only is my husband ready and excited for the challenge to do more in the future, he's dreadfully unhappy and feeling stuck right now.  He is so unhappy he actually vomits before heading off to work on a lot of mornings.  He tries to hide it from me, or brush it off as "nothing", but I of all people understand how emotions and nerves and feelings sometimes come spewing out of you in the form of nasty bile.

For my dear husband, I hope with all my heart he gets exactly what he wants.  If he truly wants this job with a new company, a fresh start, then this is my wish for him. He's had a corporate recruiter after him for almost two years now, with phone calls and emails that are always politely dismissed.  But two weeks ago, when the fellow called yet again, J listened with an open mind and decided that the time is now right.  He has put aside his loyalties to his company, because very soon that company and all it stood for, will be nothing more than a footnote in Wikipedia somewhere after a big merger with a larger corporation.  The company name, the company logo, the company pride and high standards, with cease to exist as of September.

And after having said all of that, my anxiety stems from the fact that yes, we would have to move again.  The new job is north of "the big city" and we live south.  Almost 100 miles, and with the traffic through the city, it makes for a two hour commute one way.  And the simple fact is, J will always work 12 hour days and how in the world could he tack on another 4 hours of driving, every day?  He can't, and I wouldn't let him.  He said maybe he could do it for a short while, but not permanently.

So as it stands today, the only thing we know from the corporate recruiter is that J's resume has made it to the right person at this company.  That's it.  I think J has a very likely chance of getting an interview in the upcoming weeks, and I think he has a fair chance at being a top contender.  Will he get the job?  I don't know.  To me, he's number one, but out there in the corporate world there could be a dozen of competent, qualified people just like J who have put in for the job.  J is always worried that, even with his years of real world experience and accomplishments, he will not be considered because he never finished college.

My anxieties are for J, but more than that, my anxieties are about potentially moving again and all that it entails.  Nothing, absolutely nothing has happened that would indicate that we will have to move anytime soon.  But because there is a tiny little cloud of chance floating out there, my brain has turned it into a 100% warning of thunderstorms with hurricane force winds.  I have already started looking at houses online, and had a genuine panic attack yesterday when one of my "favorites" had sold.  Really?  REALLY??!!  This, simply because my husband turned in a piece of paper to some guy.

This is how my stupid, damn brain works.  Why can't I just sit back and relax, and enjoy the butterfly garden my husband worked so hard to build for me- instead of looking at all the plants saying "I'm going to dig them all up and take them with me when we move."

MISS GEE

On Even Ground

Yes, I'm still here, for anyone who is reading me- which I don't think anyone is.  And I've said before, that's okay, because the blog is for me to sort through my life.  I know depression and chronic pain are unfortunately commonplace these days, for people in all walks of life all over the globe.  My story is only unique to me- when compared to the rest of the world, I blend in like one small leaf on a giant tree.  I honestly wish I blogged every single day, but I don't want to. Some days I don't want to rehash my life, I don't even want to think about things.  I just want to muddle through and know that millions of other people out there are doing the same thing, and it's okay for all of us to be that way.  But today is a blustery, cloudy day with an approaching thunderstorm.  I don't want to run into town and get caught in it.  I don't want to go out and settle down in the garden to work or read.  Even with the lamps on it's too dark in the house to take photos for Etsy or see my pottery well enough to work on fine details.  So, why not check in on the blog.

Truth is, I've been okay lately, so not feeling the need to pour out and dissect what's floating around in my brain.  I would say I've been even keel the last month or two.  Maybe it's the sunshine and the flowers of summer.  Maybe it was the entire month of June, of J having to work nights and being home with me during the day for about five weeks straight.  Maybe it was having two solid weeks in May, of out-of-town company staying with us, much loved family that we enjoy having here.  Maybe it was our very lovely, relaxing, fun visit earlier this month to Lake Tahoe.  Maybe it was all that combined time of me not staying alone in the house day after day, and instead having people always around me to take my mind off my own issues.  I don't know, I will never know.  There is no pattern to my depression- when it strikes, when it eases up.  I've learned to accept both, and right now it seems like for the first time in a really long time, my downs don't outnumber my ups.  And that is cool.

I still deal with the physical pains, but right now I'm trying every home remedy I can find in the herbal books, to keep from having to get on any kind of prescription.  The aches in my joints have been staggering, but a homemade herbal liniment rubbed into my knees, wrists, ankles, lower back has been surprisingly effective.  I even finally started yoga and although I have weeks where the pain is too severe to bend my legs into the poses, I found that the basic class has nearly eradicated my back and hip problems.  Yep, I know, I would say it's hell getting old but I wouldn't trade my 40's for anything.  Despite the pains, I like the person I am now, the life that I have now, a hundred times better than my 30's and definitely a million times better than my 20's.  The confidence and maturity of being almost 50 is priceless.  My 20's I was an immature, stupid, backwards wreck of a girl.

I know the "next stage" of my life is upon me.  My periods have been slowly tapering off.  Last year I only had three.  This year, I had one the first week of January but none since.  I will be 48 this year, it's certainly expected.  I have no feelings about it one way or the other.  I know some women get sentimental about their periods ending, but as for me, the sooner the better!  I don't look at menopause as an emotional ending to my womanhood.  It's strictly physiological, and as long as I can get through the symptoms naturally, I'll be okay.  My mother went through it using prescriptions, and has had (and survived) two different types of cancer related to the drugs.  I'm not doing that.  

For awhile I was suffering with raging hot flashes, and unless I was sitting directly in front of a fan- even in the winter- they were so bad I sometimes felt as though I would pass out.  But leaving my job has cured many of those menopausal ills.  With my stress level falling away, the hot flashes, high blood pressure, and even the migraines have become such small inconveniences in my life that I barely notice them.  As for the sleep issues, I decided as soon as the insomnia hit that I wasn't going to turn to prescriptions for that either.  After a long dependence on Tylenol PM, months ago I finally turned to natural remedies- melatonin, valerian, lavender, tryptophan- to send me off to sweet lullabies every night.  And it all works just as well, without the lingering guilt or concern for overdoing the over the counter chemicals.

Everything has been a process, but it continues.  I try to do more of the right things.  More natural cleaners and less chemicals in the house.  Less coffee and more hot tea.  Stevia instead of white sugar.  More exercise and less glaring at the computer.  Less meat, more organic foods.  More sunshine, less hiding away in the house.  Less frivolous shopping and more trips to drop off bags at Goodwill.  I don't know if any of it makes a damn bit of difference in the way I feel, but it sure can't hurt.  So why not?  Why not try something different, something better?  Even J has swapped his processed instant oatmeal breakfast, for a morning smoothie made from organic spinach, strawberries, and flax seed.  I know he feels much better and his weight loss continues while his health improves.  We will both always backslide with that big greasy gourmet burger, loaded down, with a heap of fries and rings.  And I'm trying my hardest not to beat myself up about those moments, despite my own losing battle with the bulge.

So life is going on right now, at a fairly easy plodding pace, and I'm okay with it.  Mountain peaks always have deep valleys, and sometimes it's better to stay on the gentle, flat pathway for awhile, to avoid those low shadowy places.  We have some big, giant, enormous changes that are potentially coming our way, and for the moment I'm content to ignore them, to stay even-tempered, getting neither excited nor frantic because it may or may not happen.  Despite the mundane suburban middle-aged life that I lead, there are still unexpected upheavals that happen.  And even with "good" changes, the nerves get raw and the anxiety levels grow.  

What is that little phrase from World War II that I see everywhere these days?  Keep calm and carry on?  

Taking a deep breath today, and I'll be back very soon.

MISS GEE