Truth is, I've been okay lately, so not feeling the need to pour out and dissect what's floating around in my brain. I would say I've been even keel the last month or two. Maybe it's the sunshine and the flowers of summer. Maybe it was the entire month of June, of J having to work nights and being home with me during the day for about five weeks straight. Maybe it was having two solid weeks in May, of out-of-town company staying with us, much loved family that we enjoy having here. Maybe it was our very lovely, relaxing, fun visit earlier this month to Lake Tahoe. Maybe it was all that combined time of me not staying alone in the house day after day, and instead having people always around me to take my mind off my own issues. I don't know, I will never know. There is no pattern to my depression- when it strikes, when it eases up. I've learned to accept both, and right now it seems like for the first time in a really long time, my downs don't outnumber my ups. And that is cool.
I still deal with the physical pains, but right now I'm trying every home remedy I can find in the herbal books, to keep from having to get on any kind of prescription. The aches in my joints have been staggering, but a homemade herbal liniment rubbed into my knees, wrists, ankles, lower back has been surprisingly effective. I even finally started yoga and although I have weeks where the pain is too severe to bend my legs into the poses, I found that the basic class has nearly eradicated my back and hip problems. Yep, I know, I would say it's hell getting old but I wouldn't trade my 40's for anything. Despite the pains, I like the person I am now, the life that I have now, a hundred times better than my 30's and definitely a million times better than my 20's. The confidence and maturity of being almost 50 is priceless. My 20's I was an immature, stupid, backwards wreck of a girl.
I know the "next stage" of my life is upon me. My periods have been slowly tapering off. Last year I only had three. This year, I had one the first week of January but none since. I will be 48 this year, it's certainly expected. I have no feelings about it one way or the other. I know some women get sentimental about their periods ending, but as for me, the sooner the better! I don't look at menopause as an emotional ending to my womanhood. It's strictly physiological, and as long as I can get through the symptoms naturally, I'll be okay. My mother went through it using prescriptions, and has had (and survived) two different types of cancer related to the drugs. I'm not doing that.
For awhile I was suffering with raging hot flashes, and unless I was sitting directly in front of a fan- even in the winter- they were so bad I sometimes felt as though I would pass out. But leaving my job has cured many of those menopausal ills. With my stress level falling away, the hot flashes, high blood pressure, and even the migraines have become such small inconveniences in my life that I barely notice them. As for the sleep issues, I decided as soon as the insomnia hit that I wasn't going to turn to prescriptions for that either. After a long dependence on Tylenol PM, months ago I finally turned to natural remedies- melatonin, valerian, lavender, tryptophan- to send me off to sweet lullabies every night. And it all works just as well, without the lingering guilt or concern for overdoing the over the counter chemicals.
Everything has been a process, but it continues. I try to do more of the right things. More natural cleaners and less chemicals in the house. Less coffee and more hot tea. Stevia instead of white sugar. More exercise and less glaring at the computer. Less meat, more organic foods. More sunshine, less hiding away in the house. Less frivolous shopping and more trips to drop off bags at Goodwill. I don't know if any of it makes a damn bit of difference in the way I feel, but it sure can't hurt. So why not? Why not try something different, something better? Even J has swapped his processed instant oatmeal breakfast, for a morning smoothie made from organic spinach, strawberries, and flax seed. I know he feels much better and his weight loss continues while his health improves. We will both always backslide with that big greasy gourmet burger, loaded down, with a heap of fries and rings. And I'm trying my hardest not to beat myself up about those moments, despite my own losing battle with the bulge.
So life is going on right now, at a fairly easy plodding pace, and I'm okay with it. Mountain peaks always have deep valleys, and sometimes it's better to stay on the gentle, flat pathway for awhile, to avoid those low shadowy places. We have some big, giant, enormous changes that are potentially coming our way, and for the moment I'm content to ignore them, to stay even-tempered, getting neither excited nor frantic because it may or may not happen. Despite the mundane suburban middle-aged life that I lead, there are still unexpected upheavals that happen. And even with "good" changes, the nerves get raw and the anxiety levels grow.
What is that little phrase from World War II that I see everywhere these days? Keep calm and carry on?
Taking a deep breath today, and I'll be back very soon.
MISS GEE
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