The Holiday Spirit

The holiday spirits are not visiting our house this year.  This photo is from 2010. Right now our house looks the same as it does on any given day during the year. We did not decorate, at all, not even a strand of lights on a bush, not one stocking hung, not one sugar cookie baked.  Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas, as you can tell by my pride and joy above- my tree.  But in November, when we anticipated the strong possibility of moving in December, we made the decision not to decorate. Why spend all the time putting everything out for the holidays, when we would probably instead be busy packing up the rest of the house.  I hadn't even sent out Christmas cards yet until J made us sit together at the breakfast table this morning, and do them while we had our coffee.

Now it looks like we made the sacrifice for nothing.

J found out this week that one of the two jobs he interviewed for- the one where they told him he was their number one choice- he did not get.  It's a long story, but it boils down to the fact that they gave it to someone down there who was coming from an even lower position than J- basically someone they wouldn't have to pay as much, or pay to relocate.  The other job remains open, although J was told they are still interviewing people.  It makes J realize they are not going to offer that one to him either.  If they were considering him, they would not continue to look at other candidates weeks later, if he was the one they truly wanted.  They haven't told him no yet, but he is reading between the lines.  He is a bit crestfallen, he thought he was getting the job, based on what everyone was telling him.  He feels like at his age, mid-40's, this might have been his last shot at getting a promotion to an executive position.  He is taking this very personally.  I told him, it's a business, they are trying to save money and going after people who will take a cheaper salary.  J already makes six figures because he runs one of the biggest divisions in the entire company, and they knew he was not going to accept a pay cut in exchange for a promotion/more responsibility.

I am bummed about it too, although there is still a slim chance he will get an offer for the second job.  I am disappointed for him, because I know how hard he works and how dedicated to the company he is, and how very qualified and intelligent and passionate he is about his job.  He told me right after he found out about not getting the first job, it took the wind right out of his sails.  But I know my husband, he will continue to work diligently, put in the long hours at the office and at home, will take the 2AM emergency phone calls, and he will push forward with new ideas and new programs, to better serve the company and the 400+ employees he is over. Certainly I am bummed for myself too, missing out on the opportunity to live less than an hour from my family, and to stay at home for awhile and try to make all the changes to my life that I had envisioned with this move.

But I looked at my list Friday night- which I entitled "What I Could Accomplish With One Year Off From Work"- and I realized there is not one single thing on there that I can't do right now while working full time, but I have to make myself do them.  I may not be able to work on pottery for ten hours every day, but I can work on it for two hours every night when I get home, instead of passing out on the couch in front of the TV.  Exercise and lose weight?  I have a treadmill. Learn to cook healthier meals?  Read more.  Paint more.  Garden more.  There is nothing in my life right now, keeping me from doing those things, except for ME.  Work is no excuse, even on weeks when I work 50-55 hours.  I still have weekends, I still have evenings.  I look at my younger sister who works a very stressful job with long hours, and she has two wonderful children who participate in a ton of activities, and she is always there to enjoy them, to help with homework and projects, to show up for community functions.  She makes herself go to the gym, she still enjoys reading at night.  She has a beautiful home and yard that she takes care of.

I have no excuses, to not live my life to the fullest, and do all the things- EVERYTHING- that I want to do.  It's no one's fault but my own, that my Etsy store has been empty since 2009.  It doesn't matter where we live, it doesn't matter if I work or stay at home, what matters is me and my motivation and my dedication to whatever it is I want out of life.  My goal for 2013 is to be happy- finally- and stop bitching about what I want to do, and just DO IT!

MISS GEE

Real Love Part Three

My sweet wittle baby kitty boo boo.

MISS GEE

The Right Foot

I hope to start off this new week on THE RIGHT FOOT!  A silly old expression, but one I need as my mantra right now.  This morning I dropped off J at the airport, he'll be in Dallas, Texas for the week on business and will be back on Friday evening. I'll pick him up after work and we will shoot up the highway for a weekend in the mountains.  Probably our last little break away together for a long while.  I have the whole week to myself and frankly, have no plans so far.  I am aimless, remember? I want to do something productive and useful with my time.  Besides earning the paycheck, which is unavoidable unless I call out and use up my 3 sick days I still haven't taken for 2012. Work work work at the office, and if I have any energy once I get home, I will be amazed.  I did mention that I work 10+ hour days, but forgot to add that I have a 40 minute drive each way, plus a useless mandatory lunch break which I would prefer to skip. So, it makes for a very lengthy day away from home. The kitties are used to it, as long as there is sunshine coming through the windows- I know those lovable lazy furballs just sleep all day and don't miss mom and dad one bit.

J and I spent Saturday in the basement going through boxes, and I promised him this week I will keep going on this massive project.  I am amazed at how much junk I've clung to over the years, and I don't know why.  I still have stuff from high school- and mind you I graduated in 1984- that serves absolutely no purpose in my life now.  Old calendars, concert tickets, newspaper clippings, notes from class, boxes of pens that don't work, magazines.  You name it.  I threw out about 3 boxes yesterday of mostly paper items and have A LOT more to go through.  I made another pile for a potential yard sale, and of course we constantly donate to Goodwill so we've always got a large box sitting around where we put their items.  I try to convince myself I'm not a hoarder, because everything is neatly put away in containers and stacked in the basement or on shelves.  But the truth is, if I've attached so much sentimental value to an airline ticket stub for a trip that J and I took in 2008- and I can't just toss it, well, I probably am dealing with a little bit of the hoarding mentality.  It's easy to hang onto stuff when you have the room to store it, but is it healthy emotionally?  Of course I will keep pieces that have value, but a brochure for a hotel we stayed at in 2005? Why??  Even if we don't end up moving for a new job, we've got to get rid of the things cluttering our home that don't play any positive role in our lives.  Our basement is unfinished, but there are so many boxes down there, if we ever did want to finish it, I am not sure anyone could work around all that mess.

Every time I move, the houses keep getting larger, and that has allowed me to get in that mindset where I hang onto things I don't really need or use, just because I have a place to store it.  And I am starting to realize especially at our age, it's just not practical to continue on that way.  When I was married to W, we were young and never could afford to buy a house, and over the years we rented and moved around a lot.  Finally my parents helped us with a down payment and financing, and at age 34 I became a first time homeowner (W & I split up 3 years later).  We had a small starter house that was cheap, a good thing due to W's chronic self-imposed unemployment and drug addiction.  I paid the bills, and my parents helped out.  W's contributions were mowing the lawn and changing the oil in the cars.  But, the house was perfect for the two of us and the dog.  About 1300 square feet.  We didn't have much, and what we did have was mainly hand-me-down furniture which was fine.  I was still living alone in that little house when I met/dated/married J.  J had his own house that he eventually sold.  However, trying to suddenly squeeze all his belongings into my already fully furnished little place didn't work well.  Plus, for me the ghost of W still haunted the hallway and kitchen, and I wanted out as soon as possible.  J was content to live there, as the house payments were a meager $475 a month!

J and I bought a house together shortly after we married, and it was my dream home, and I still feel that way even though we only got to live there 2 1/2 years. It was big enough for all our things, at 2600 square feet and a separate workshop for my crafts, and we even had rooms that were empty which we soon filled! Enter 2008 when we had to move for his job and we now had more things and furniture, and the only house we could find that we both liked which would fit all our stuff, was a 3000 square foot home with a 2500 square foot basement.  Yes, that's the house we live in now, below. 5500 square feet for two people and a passel of cats. Utterly ridiculous isn't it. Thankfully the house was the last one in the neighborhood and the builders were desperate to get rid of it and be gone.  So we got a fantastic deal on it.  And of course the cycle started over again because it was so big, we have ended up just accumulating more to fill the empty spaces.  And don't think I can't read between those lines about buying stuff to fill empty spaces.

Some days I'm embarrassed at our excessiveness, but other days I tell myself we both work super hard, we pay our bills, we put money in our savings, and we donate a lot to charity.  We can afford it, we deserve it.  So what if we have an unnecessarily big house?

The "so what" is starting to hit us now.  With the potential move south, and looking at houses online, we don't want to continue with the trend of buying bigger. Instead, we're sorting through our possessions and making lists of what we don't need or want anymore.  The housing down there is more expensive, and to keep the same size house that we have now (and of course they don't have basements down there near the beach), it's just not a smart financial decision.  We only owe $50,000 on our house, and we don't want to get in a situation where we move, lose my income, and suddenly have a huge mortgage. Why would we pay more for a big house, just to keep (store) crap we don't need.  Sounds like a no-brainer to me.

The ONLY solution is for the two of us to start digging in and tossing/selling/donating like crazy.  J has said even if we don't move, we need to do this, and I agree.  I have to tell myself that if it's been in a box in the basement for the last few years, what part does it play in my life, my happiness, my future. Somehow I don't think a folder full of homework from the shorthand class I took in college, really needs to be taking up any space whatsoever in our home.  So why am I having such trouble making decisions on what to keep and what to get rid of? Sometimes it feels like I am throwing away a part of me, tossing away my past.  I know schoolwork is not really important, but I look at the pages with my handwriting and think, this is me.  But it's not, it WAS me.  I'm 46 now, not 16.

I just need to watch another episode of Hoarding Buried Alive, and that should help me move forward, on the right foot!

MISS GEE