Not Sure Why

I am not sure why the depression has hit me so dang hard lately.  I thought I was getting better.  I was starting to have very productive days, pain free, bright, happy.  I am tired of blaming my depression on external factors like the weather or time without my husband or backaches or just being stuck at home all day every day. None of that should matter.  My life is whatever I make of it, and I've been making mud pies apparently.

I know I always seem to put J on a pedestal as the perfect husband, and in almost every way he is.  He is patient and understanding, kind, funny, warm, romantic, thoughtful, tender.  He is strong for me when I need him to be, and goofy when the moment calls for it.  Before he leaves for work, he has to hug and kiss me every morning.  When he gets home in the evenings, the first thing he wants is another long hug and kiss.  It's wonderful and amazing to have someone in my life that feels that way about me.  I don't even feel that way about me.

But I'm not sure J understands how deep my depression runs, and if he did, I'm not sure he would be able to help.  Oh, he tells me all the time if I feel like I need to talk to a therapist, please go.  If I think yoga or a massage will help, he's all for that.  Or he gently suggests I go to my family doctor and talk to her about it, to see if she thinks I need medication.  He said he approves of anything I want to do, to improve my life.  J's mother and older sister both suffer from very deep depression, so he's familiar with it.  But I don't think he truly understands.  And I don't think I can make him understand.  Even if he did really understand it, I'm not sure if that would change what I'm feeling, what I'm going through. J's response is always for me to shake it off.  He doesn't say this flippantly, he truly believes that I'm in control of my depression, and I am the key to making it better- or worse.  His sister has improved her depression through natural remedies and herbal teas and exercise.  His mother has relied on prescription medications.  And me?  I'm not doing much of anything but trying to ride out this latest wave of dismal days.  It's not working out very well.

Lately I don't want to do anything, I don't want to be anywhere, I don't want to even think about stuff.  I want to escape.  Not permanently, just escape my thoughts, my body.  I have been reading nonstop every day for the last few weeks.  I am reading an entire paperback in one day.  I know it's just to keep from dealing with the world around me.  I don't tell J that I've just been sitting in my chair in the corner of the bedroom every day, looking out into the yard, all the cats sleeping around me, wrapped up in a sweater with a book in my hand.  I don't even turn the lamps on, I just read by whatever light comes through the window, and some days it is dark and gray and I don't care.  Some days I don't even walk outside the house, except to go to the mailbox, that's it. I think my husband would be disturbed to know these things, but right now I don't have the energy or desire to do anything else.  So every day I do just enough housework, so that when he comes home at night, he can see that I did something during the day.  I feel like I'm a big fraud, that I'm living a secret life.  And J and I don't keep secrets, at least we're not suppose to.

Some days he will leave me with a small task to complete, a favor as he calls it.  Can I write a check for the termite inspection and get it mailed?  Can I hang this framed photo for him in his home office?  Will I go to the pharmacy and pick up his prescriptions?  He always asks politely, considerately, he always says please.  That's how we talk to each other, why we get along so well- respect for one another even during the most simple of conversations. We don't yell, we don't demand, we don't demean, we don't insult.  My ex would have said, get off your fat lazy ass and wash my clothes!  J says, honey if you don't mind today would you go to Lowe's and pick up some new light bulbs?  Of course, yes, absolutely my love.

I always make certain I do these little things for him.  First of all, I love him, and how could I ever refuse him anything when he gives so much to me?  Secondly, what would be my excuse, after staying home all day long, that I couldn't find the time to put a check out in the mailbox?  It sounds ridiculous to even say it. But there are days when I think to myself, I don't even feel like doing that.  Then I become filled with shame and loathing for myself.  What kind of wife am I, to dismiss one little small favor asked of me by my amazing husband, just because I don't feel like it?  I'm sure J doesn't "feel" like going off to work every morning for 12-13 hours a day at a place he has come to hate, but does it because he's a responsible adult and head of household, and does it to take care of me, of us.  My self-pity is ridiculous, there is no reason for it at all.

The only thing J ever truly asks of me, is to please please just be happy and enjoy my life.  Really, that is ALL he wants me to concentrate on.  Why can't I do that?  Why can't that be just a simple thing?  I'm not sure why, but I need to find out the answer.

MISS GEE

Winter Blues

Normally winter is my favorite time of the year.  In the Deep South, it's so brief and mild, and I always look forward to the crisp cold air and the bright blue skies.  This year not so much, and I'm ready for it to be over with.  We here in the Peach State, have been dumped on twice in the last three weeks.  The first storm to roll through the last week of January is the one that made the major news networks top stories- how the entire city and interstate system shut completely down due to the snow that hit in the middle of a weekday morning.  The problem?  Some of the biggest school systems, knowing that the snow would start before lunch, went ahead and opened as usual- then all of a sudden thousands and thousands of parents were all on the road at the same time that morning, trying to pick up their children when the schools said, oops come back and get your kids now.  Utter madness, chaos.  The snow fell hard, and wreck after wreck shut the roads down to the point where people simply slept in their cars overnight, right there in the fast lane on the interstate, or walked away abandoning their vehicles.  Kids were never picked up, and slept overnight at their schools.  People slept on the floor of whatever store they got stuck in- Home Depot, Kroger. Traffic was literally a parking lot for miles and miles and miles.  So many people never made it home for a day or two, while others spent 15 hours on the road just to drive 20 miles at a crawl.  They called it Snowmageddon in the local news, although that wasn't an original thought.  As for my little town just south of the mighty metropolis, our school board had brains and said, if the snow is supposed to start at 10am- no point in having school that day.  So everyone stayed at home in our county.

Then last week it came through again, the snow and ice.  This time, people were prepared to stay home, and the schools were cancelled the day before the snow even started to fall.  So everyone was home, the highways were empty, grocery stores were decimated of all staples.  Everyone expected to be safe and snug and warm in their living rooms for a few days.  Only this time, the ice and sleet came first, the snow a day later.  Trees already heavy with an inch thick blanket of ice crashed everywhere, shedding limbs on power lines, blocking roads, caving in houses and buildings and cars.  Hundreds of thousands were suddenly without power, and some for several days.  My power went off and on in brief spurts, but I was never without it for too long, and my gas fireplace kept right on crackling out its glowing heat.  My gas stove cooked my eggs for breakfast, and my gas water heater let me take a hot shower in the morning.  The sky was bright once the snow stopped falling, and I didn't even miss the light from my lamps- I sat near a sunny window and read.  A real paperback book, not a digital one that required electricity to charge its battery.  At our house we lost many branches, and also one of our favorite trees, under the crushing weight of the ice.  The loss of the tree left me unusually morose- this is one of two trees outside our bedroom window where the birds visit our yard to serenade us with their songs.  It was painful to look out there and see it gone now. This weekend was all about cleanup for us.  We now have plenty of wood for our little outdoor firepit.  After working hard at his job, J had to spend his down time working hard at home.

The hardest part about the winter storms for me personally was hunkering down without J.  Our company does not, repeat, does NOT close due to inclement weather and they have a strict policy about that.  I never missed a snow day in the 11 years I worked there, and J has never missed one either.  Our company provides food and supplies to customers that include the airports, hospitals, hotels, military, nursing homes, colleges, local government offices, and "storm services" (utility worker camps, Red Cross, etc.).  People were there at those places, stuck.  We can't shut down because they can't shut down, and they need us to be there for them.  And we always are.  So for both storms, we knew what was coming and we prepared well in advance, and we packed J a suitcase and made hotel reservations for him just a few blocks from the office.  He was gone three days for the first storm, and four days for the one last week.  He can't take the risk of coming home- 25 miles away- and then not being able to get back to the warehouse the next day.  So as he has done in the past, he bunked down as close to the office as possible.  And when most of the hourly employees simply called out due to road conditions or power outages, J and his management staff were already there, sleeves rolled up, doing the sweaty rough labor that he used to do almost 17 years ago when he started with the company as a much younger man.  With a skeleton crew of mostly supervisors and executives, the work and service continued as usual.  J never takes the easy way out, he always does what is right.  That's one of the many things I deeply love about my husband.

The low parts were always the evenings without J here.  I'm used to rambling around the house and yard without him during the days, but I can always count on him being at home every night at least by 8PM for our late dinners together.  To retire into the bedroom alone to sit and read, or watch mindless TV, started to wear on me.  But it was temporary, and I knew it, and I had emails and phone calls in daylight hours to reassure me that even though he wasn't home during the storms, he was off the roads and safe, and as comfortable as he could be, stuck at work with no respite.  Since lately I have nowhere to be- ever- I wasn't even faced with the decision to venture out on the icy streets.  I just stayed put and watched everyone else's adventures on the local news.  I was totally alone. Even the mail carrier didn't make it out our way for days on end, and forget about newspaper delivery.  When the roads ice up, they are impassable, even with 4-wheel drive.  People up north may laugh at us because we can't drive in this weather down here, but driving on slushy snow that gives at least a bit of traction, is different than trying to drive on a total sheet of slick frozen solid ice that resists melting even when the temps finally warm up.  Think about walking across soft snow as opposed to trying to walk across an icy parking lot.  Same thing with driving.  Walk on ice, you slip and fall and bust your ass.  Driving on ice, your wheels simply spin uselessly and steering becomes nonexistent- your big SUV is going to slide whichever way no matter what you do.

We've been known to get snow in this area even in late March, so I can't say that it's over for this winter.  But for the first time in a long time, I am saying I hope I don't see anymore of the white stuff for awhile.  When it hits on Friday afternoons, and J can rest and relax at home with me, it's different.  But both these storms hit on Tuesdays, and kept him away and exhausted for the week, and left me sadder than normal.  And sadder than normal for someone who suffers from depression on even the sunniest, warmest spring day, is truly sad.  The heartache kind of sad that physically hurts.  And it made me even more resentful to get on Facebook and see my old coworkers posting from their cozy homes, saying how they were "working" from home on their laptops and watching their kids play, knowing that my husband has a job that can NOT be done from the comfort of his living room couch and can only be accomplished by physical labor at the actual work site.  All the while those at-home-workers were sending in email after email, order after order, that just kept my husband and his team at work for longer and longer hours, back hurting, muscles aching, feet numb.  Who the hell did they think was handling all their requests, so casually sent while they sat in their easy chairs with their feet propped up on the coffee table and sipping cocoa?

In between the two storms, we celebrated his birthday then our wedding anniversary as best as we could, which wasn't much at all since we were both at that point very tired and grumpy.  And I had a minor fall during the first storm that resulted in a broken foot and toes, so I've been hobbling around the house as much as I can.  Then J got troubling news at work last week that upset him enough that he has picked an absolute departure date for himself- not anytime soon but he put it on the calendar as a goal nonetheless.  He is bitter, he was so unhinged he didn't speak to me for almost 24 hours over the weekend, and he couldn't find the words to tell me what was wrong with him.  I thought it was me, but it was work.  Always work.  He is coming to a realization, one I saw long ago- that for our company, politics and gamesmanship are more important than hard work and dedication. But for the short term we are counting down the days- 18 now- until we leave for a week long sunny beach vacation that is far enough south that no snow will reach us. For right now, the rolling blue waves and sandy shores will have to be enough.  But those happy moments together away from the realities of work and home, are all too brief.  

I have this oppressive weight in my chest, it feels like it would release if only I could have a good solid cry, but no tears have come lately. And I feel like a really bad cliche. A heavy sigh escapes me at odd moments, and J will ask me what's wrong, and I'll respond with "nothing" or "I don't know".  And I don't know.  It has to be something other than the winter weather, but whatever it is I can't seem to shake it right now.  I'll post again soon.

A BLUE MISS GEE