End of Days

Well today was the day, my last day of employment.  I feel very weird.  I am not happy, I am not sad.  I don't really feel anything yet.  I am sure it will hit me, maybe not on Monday because I can convince my brain I've just taken a day or two off.  Maybe not in the next few weeks, because we have some visits planned in May and June with both sides of the family, that will keep me occupied.  But I know one day soon, when I'm not expecting it, the feeling will wash over me that hey, I quit my job!  Wow man, I really quit my job...  Ugh, did I really do that?

As much as I griped and complained about my job, it is very odd to be without it now.  Without a real purpose, without a true destination every day.  What will I answer when people ask the inevitable "what do you do?"  What do I do now?  I was a very good employee- I had multiple statues and awards on my desk to prove it.  I was great at my job, I worked whatever hours were required, I knew my duties inside and out, and never left a project undone or met a deadline I couldn't keep.  But the sheer overwhelming shadow of the job itself, was more than I could take, it was eating me up by little pieces every day.  J knew I was to the point where I felt like there was nothing left of me.  I was told that before I took the position, it was a revolving door where burn out status was repeatedly reached within six months.  I lasted 3 1/2 years at the job.  It wasn't my favorite position in the 11 years with the company, but it was pretty darn close.  My arms finally just got tired of juggling so many balls, and my head was hurting from wearing too many hats.  The job required that I be everything for everyone, never saying no, and I just couldn't do it anymore.

I am still not sure this was the right decision, leaving my job.  I am very much still struggling with it.  J has no doubts, or he is very good at hiding them from me to keep me from worrying.  He was behind this decision 100%.  But it makes me sad to think he doesn't have that option, he has to work, he is the breadwinner and he has no choice.  He has stress at work, but deals with it so much better than I can.  I wish I could lift his burdens as well, of going into that place, of 12 hour days only to come home and have to keep at it on the laptop, the Blackberry.  Short of winning the lottery, I can't help him.  I can only feel as though he now has to make greater sacrifices in order for me to stay home, even if it's just for a short while.  I won't find another job out there making the money I just gave up, they simply aren't available in our area.  But it's a done deal.  I know the folks there would love it if I came back on Monday saying it was a mistake, I want to come back, and they would celebrate it.  Only, they would not be celebrating me as a returning comrade.  They would be celebrating the fact that I'd be back to take on the brunt of the work in my department, as I always have.  When people would hug me this week and tell me how much they were going to miss me, I was thinking no you won't, you don't even know me after all this time.  You will miss what I could DO for you, not "me" as a person.

The lady taking over my job, is one of my co-workers who was already reaching her breaking point, so I'm not sure how long she will last handling my accounts and my salesmen.  None of which she's had to deal with so far.  As soon as she was named my official replacement, she was starting to get the urgent emails, the 4:59 frantic phone calls, the "can you do me a favor?" and "but it's an emergency!" IM's.  My salespeople were all very very needy, and I used to say that babysitting and handholding were some of my functions.  I won't miss that part of the job, the days where I could hardly breathe, the days I didn't even have time to get up to go pee, the days where in the time I could answer one email, I would get 30 more.  I shouldn't complain- our company is number two in the US in its field.  The economy dinged us slightly, but not much, and in a time when businesses are closing, being busy was good and having new accounts was great, working 15+ hours of overtime every week was fantastic for my bank account.  But I digress.  I will say only that, since J still works there, I wish the company many many more years of growth and wealth.  I just don't want to be an active part of that formula for success anymore.  I will cheer on my husband from the sidelines now.  Even today, my last day, I was there from 7am until 6:30pm trying to get it all done, even though I was getting ready to walk away from it permanently.  I just couldn't let it go.

But I came home tonight like any other night, J and I riding together from work for the last time.  We had dinner while watching a baseball game on TV, we went outside to play basketball in our driveway, and I strolled around the yard to see what had bloomed today.  And the flowers are blooming, and it was a beautiful sunset in our quiet subdivision, and tomorrow it will be another Saturday.  And Monday will come, and I will set my alarm clock as always, I will get up and see the hubby off to work, and I will have to figure out- what do I do now?

MISS GEE

General Hospital

Well I can say now that I have made progress lately.  Lots of steps backwards, but one giant leap forward into the unknown but exciting future.

Last week I ended up in the ER where I was admitted, imprisoned and tortured with needles, machines and jello for three days.  While an immobile hostage on the second day, J announced this was the final wake up call.  I was quitting my job.  He'd spent time crunching the numbers and assured me, we could take the financial loss of my salary and still be fine.  We'd have to take cuts- no spontaneous $100 dinners out on a weeknight just because we can- but it would be okay. And when J says it will be okay, I believe him.  I do have some health issues that will need tending to, but I am on medication and have planned visits to specialists to monitor my blood work and numbers.

Both J and my father have asked me to quit my job for over a year now, and I have resisted because of the money.  I doubt the ER visit is related to work, although when I arrived my blood pressure was so high, the doctors said it was at stroke levels.  I think that concerned J more than the actual issues that brought me there.  If I'm dead I can't enjoy that paycheck anyhow, and then who will inherit my Dooney collection?  I try to make light of it, but the fact is, I have felt like shit for quite some time now. Extreme fatigue, headaches almost every day, breathing problems, insomnia, dizzy spells, frequent nose bleeds. I've chalked it all up to stress on the job, and the super long hours, and I told myself this is the American way.  Everyone works themselves to death.  So even though it scared me, I did the right thing for my health- I turned in my notice. As much as I want to screw over the witch I work for, I don't want to screw the company because it's been good to J and I for so very long now.  I gave a 3 weeks notice, and said I was leaving due to health issues. I plan to take at least one day off a week as I have paid sick time to use, and I'm doing that today.  They begged me to take a leave of absence instead, but it's pointless because no matter how long I take off, I will come back to the same job, the same hours, the same stress all over again.

People at work this week have been giving me weird looks.  If I could come in and work 10 hours on Monday and Tuesday, why do I have to quit because of my health?  Some have told me how bad their health and pains are, and how high their blood pressure is, etc., and I can't decide if they are trying to compete with me or let me know they are toughing it out.  A few have given me hugs and said I am doing the right thing.  Then there are the ones that I know are jealous, and I won't apologize that I am a middle-age childless woman whose husband makes six figures.  I know a few of the ladies there have husbands in poor health who can't work, so the burden falls on them to pay the bills and take care of the entire family.  I don't know what the future holds for J, but right now he's young and relatively healthy and has a job that pays well.  And he reminded me to ignore everyone else at work, what they say, what they think, how they act. It doesn't matter, and it has nothing to do with me.

I am not saying my working days are over, just over at this company.  On the contrary I would like to find a part time job for now, where I don't have to commute for 40 minutes one way, where I won't have to crawl in half-asleep at 6:30am and still be struggling to leave at 6:30pm.  And eventually I would want to go back to work full time, because it's just my nature and other than spots here and there over the years, I've always worked full time.  I enjoy it.  I like challenging my mind, and my current job certainly did that.  I will miss the work itself, but I will not miss the stressful atmosphere and I will not miss the company politics (read: bullshit), and I will not miss my lazy drama queen supervisor.  Frankly, I won't miss 99% of my co-workers either.  If I could pick up my work and bring it home every day, I could have worked there the next 20 years easily, with no complaints.

J is content with me staying home forever I think.  And if things go well, and I can get motivated, that might be a possibility.  Now I will have time to work on my pottery and get my Etsy store going again, or even find one of the little shops downtown who might be willing to carry my pieces.  I will have time to exercise every day, more than just 15 minutes on the treadmill at 8pm before I collapse.  I will have time to prepare and eat "real" food, instead of stuffing a lunch bag with a Lean Cuisine, Slimfast, Fiber One Bar, and a Coke Zero before I run out the door every morning, then coming home at night to feed my husband something I dumped out of a box or bag.  Now I will have time to actually clean my house instead of stepping over and ignoring the mess.

J is very adamant that I do these things, he said he would be unhappy if I sat around every day and just read, not moving, not accomplishing anything.  He absolutely doesn't want me to get into the daytime TV trap, and that garbage doesn't even tempt me at all.  He insists that I get out of the house every day- art classes, the gym, Weight Watchers meetings, walks in the park- things I gave up when we moved here.  I can also now take over some of my husband's chores around the house, to give him more free time in the evenings as well, because he absolutely deserves that.  I am very encouraged to see that, since bringing me home from the hospital, he has been exercising every night.  He has his own issues- high cholesterol and blood sugar, his weight.  Maybe he hasn't landed in the ER with them yet, but he knows it's time to stop fooling around and taking chances, and start addressing them all.

My husband's greatest fear is that by staying at home, I will fall into deep depression the way I did when we moved here in 2009 and I wasn't working for several months.  But I wasn't doing anything at all then, and I had just left behind all my friends and my dream house, and was now sitting alone and dwelling on fears of a new town and sudden isolation.  Now I have my garden that needs tending, I have my kiln that hasn't been fired lately, I have my incredible room that J created for me- amazing enough that I can call it an art studio and really mean it. And I can get around town with my eyes closed- it doesn't scare or overwhelm me anymore.  I have a lot of plans swimming in my head, ideas that were just floundering while I was working, but now they finally seem to be bobbing on the surface and ready for me to snatch them up.  J has said I need to have a daily schedule and a weekly schedule at home, just like I do at work to keep me focused.  I agree.  I'm all about making lists and scratching lines through each completed task.  But mostly, J demands my number one new job is taking care of my health.  I am truly fortunate to be able to do this, and to have a partner who loves me enough to support this decision and opportunity.

And I also know that, I may find that staying home is NOT what's best for me and I may get bored out of my mind, but come May I will have the chance to find out.

MISS GEE