As much as I griped and complained about my job, it is very odd to be without it now. Without a real purpose, without a true destination every day. What will I answer when people ask the inevitable "what do you do?" What do I do now? I was a very good employee- I had multiple statues and awards on my desk to prove it. I was great at my job, I worked whatever hours were required, I knew my duties inside and out, and never left a project undone or met a deadline I couldn't keep. But the sheer overwhelming shadow of the job itself, was more than I could take, it was eating me up by little pieces every day. J knew I was to the point where I felt like there was nothing left of me. I was told that before I took the position, it was a revolving door where burn out status was repeatedly reached within six months. I lasted 3 1/2 years at the job. It wasn't my favorite position in the 11 years with the company, but it was pretty darn close. My arms finally just got tired of juggling so many balls, and my head was hurting from wearing too many hats. The job required that I be everything for everyone, never saying no, and I just couldn't do it anymore.
I am still not sure this was the right decision, leaving my job. I am very much still struggling with it. J has no doubts, or he is very good at hiding them from me to keep me from worrying. He was behind this decision 100%. But it makes me sad to think he doesn't have that option, he has to work, he is the breadwinner and he has no choice. He has stress at work, but deals with it so much better than I can. I wish I could lift his burdens as well, of going into that place, of 12 hour days only to come home and have to keep at it on the laptop, the Blackberry. Short of winning the lottery, I can't help him. I can only feel as though he now has to make greater sacrifices in order for me to stay home, even if it's just for a short while. I won't find another job out there making the money I just gave up, they simply aren't available in our area. But it's a done deal. I know the folks there would love it if I came back on Monday saying it was a mistake, I want to come back, and they would celebrate it. Only, they would not be celebrating me as a returning comrade. They would be celebrating the fact that I'd be back to take on the brunt of the work in my department, as I always have. When people would hug me this week and tell me how much they were going to miss me, I was thinking no you won't, you don't even know me after all this time. You will miss what I could DO for you, not "me" as a person.
The lady taking over my job, is one of my co-workers who was already reaching her breaking point, so I'm not sure how long she will last handling my accounts and my salesmen. None of which she's had to deal with so far. As soon as she was named my official replacement, she was starting to get the urgent emails, the 4:59 frantic phone calls, the "can you do me a favor?" and "but it's an emergency!" IM's. My salespeople were all very very needy, and I used to say that babysitting and handholding were some of my functions. I won't miss that part of the job, the days where I could hardly breathe, the days I didn't even have time to get up to go pee, the days where in the time I could answer one email, I would get 30 more. I shouldn't complain- our company is number two in the US in its field. The economy dinged us slightly, but not much, and in a time when businesses are closing, being busy was good and having new accounts was great, working 15+ hours of overtime every week was fantastic for my bank account. But I digress. I will say only that, since J still works there, I wish the company many many more years of growth and wealth. I just don't want to be an active part of that formula for success anymore. I will cheer on my husband from the sidelines now. Even today, my last day, I was there from 7am until 6:30pm trying to get it all done, even though I was getting ready to walk away from it permanently. I just couldn't let it go.
But I came home tonight like any other night, J and I riding together from work for the last time. We had dinner while watching a baseball game on TV, we went outside to play basketball in our driveway, and I strolled around the yard to see what had bloomed today. And the flowers are blooming, and it was a beautiful sunset in our quiet subdivision, and tomorrow it will be another Saturday. And Monday will come, and I will set my alarm clock as always, I will get up and see the hubby off to work, and I will have to figure out- what do I do now?
MISS GEE
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