Settling In

I am trying to settle in to my new domesticated life of hanging around the house, much like my lovable kitty-kids.  So far, so good I suppose.  I want to have the perfect balance of relaxing (reading), staying busy (pottery, gardening), and doing the tasks I have to do (cleaning, exercise)- all without getting stressed out.  I am trying to release the guilty feelings of choosing not to work for a regular paycheck.  I'll be 47 this year, who's to say that I'm too young to retire?  Who's to say that I can't be a full-time artist, and why do I even need a label on me at all?  I want my life- and my feelings about my life- to revolve around who I am, not what I do.  And yes, I can say these things because I have a husband who makes enough money for us both.  I don't take this for granted, and I also understand that circumstances could force me back into the workplace sooner than I would want.  But, it's Week One of my New Life, so I don't want to get too philosophical, or start fretting over what may or may not happen in the future.

My mornings have been slow as one of my new medications that I take in the AM, makes me extremely woozy, and I hope this is a temporary side effect that will fade.  I am keeping my same schedule, as far as getting up at 5am every day.  Not only do I want to spend the time with J before he goes to work, I also want to be ready for bedtime with him in the evenings- normally 10pm. I could easily stay up until after midnight reading every night and sleep in until lunch, but I want to stay in sync with J's sleeping patterns- and I'm also not a teenager!  Tuesday and Wednesday I was out of the house for most of the day, running errands in town and going to appointments.  Going into town is a big deal, as we live out in the country, so I plan to keep my city errands organized to one day a week.  Saving on gas- since I won't have a 50 mile round trip commute to work every day in my old SUV- is on the list of our "new" single-income budget. 

Getting into a regular routine will be the most difficult part for me, especially on the days where I won't be leaving the house the entire day.  I've been making daily to-do lists, to give me focus during the endless hours alone, but that almost seems juvenile.  Why do I need a sticky note on my kitchen counter to remind me to mop the bathroom today?  I've worked outside the home for 30 years, give or take a few months here and there, so staying home is a new frontier but I hardly think I actually need to write down my chores.  I have been cleaning up and organizing the "art studio", it's just been a dumping ground for awhile now. It's been at least a month or more since I made a new piece of pottery.  My goal right now is to have enough pieces ready to list on Etsy by mid-June.  I have an upcoming week away at a cabin on a lake with J and some of his family.  Then my parents will come to stay with us for a whole week- which is awesome because usually they can only visit on a weekend since I've always worked.  Then when they leave, I'm riding back with them to spend a week in my hometown on the beach.  J will come down the following weekend to pick me up.  That all gets me back here the second week of June.  I've decided it's pointless to list anything to sell at this time, since I won't be home to mail it.  No sense in starting off my Etsy career as that person who gets negative reviews for slow shipments.

When we moved here in December 2008, I didn't work for several months- until I landed the job I just left.  During that time period I suffered from deep depression- almost suicidal on some days- because I was in horrible, miserable physical pain and stayed jacked up on a regular regimen of prescription painkillers.  I had days where I couldn't move, but even sitting still on the couch in front of the idiot box, was more pain than I could handle.  Physical, mental, emotional- I called it my dark pit.  2009 was year four of chronic pain, and contemplating even one more day of it, seemed like too much of a burden.  I hated life at that point.  J remembers that time, and he remembers how he would come home after a long hard day at work and the house was a mess, I was a mess, and I couldn't even cook dinner for him.  But thank the stars those days are over.  After countless doctors, pills, medical procedures that never helped, one specialist finally suggested massage and even sent me to someone in particular.  Let me just say that, despite years of the best efforts of traditional medicine, the massage therapy cured me of all the pain within a few visits.  I still go once every 4-6 weeks, as I get a bit achy now and then.  It was my salvation.  I am a different person now, 99% pain free, and I know I won't go back to that black hole of misery at home this time around.

I admit I still can't spend hours working in the garden without paying a price later in the evening, but I toss that up to my age and being physically out of shape. I've spent the last few years sitting motionless at a desk or in my car for the majority of my waking hours.  I understand that, taking care of a house and yard and ME, requires me to stay off my ass as much as possible.  And sometimes, things happen that are out of my control, and I've got to just let it roll off my back. Today I had planned to work in the yard, but it's turned out to be a very cold, cloudy, blustery day and so I gave myself permission to stay inside instead.  I don't have a boss to answer to anymore, and I don't have deadlines hanging over my head waiting to crush me.  And yes, I wrote down "work in flower bed" on my Thursday to-do list.  But if I don't do it, who cares!  No one even knows what my plans were for today, so no one is there to fuss or judge me if I never get around to it.  If I decide to dust shelves today instead, then that is what I will do.  If I decide to sit down for an hour and read a cookbook, that's what I'll do.  If I don't get back out into the yard to work until Sunday, well, so what?

If I don't get to a single thing that I wrote down on my list of goals for today, then that's the way it will be.  And I'm really working on being "okay" with that.  My new motto- no stress, no guilt.

MISS GEE