As much as I loathe my ex, I love and adore and cherish J a million times more. But he is a better man by those millions. Sometimes having such a strong, devoted, caring, selfless husband means I can't help him when HE needs it. We are facing that crisis right now, although he would deny there is an issue. J is struggling in the same way that I was- no balance in his daily existence- all work and no home life. He is not taking care of his health at all. He says he doesn't have time for a doctor's appointment to get his prescriptions refilled- the same excuse I had, the one that landed me in the hospital. He is leaving the house at 6:30AM and getting home at 8PM. Skipping lunch because he doesn't have time. Reading emails in bed before he even gets up for a shower. And in between he is doing his job and in many cases the projects he should delegate to others.
Of course I was working those same hours along with him. The company is making cuts in personnel and pushing the rest of the loyal souls as hard as they can, and every day they expect even more. Especially from the salaried folks like my husband. At least I made extra money for my long hours, in overtime pay. This past year, they even cut J's bonus potential down to half, that was his reward and what he worked so hard for. And I know that's the American way these days. Most people don't even get a bonus at all. As hard as he works, he is one man who absolutely deserves his bonus. J may be upper management, but he started off at the very bottom 16 years ago, and he does not ever forget that. He is as likely to roll up his sleeves and do the real physical work, as he is to sit and waste his time on a boring conference call in his office.
I am not here to gripe about how every year, others go on the company's vacation trip or cruise for executives, while J has never been anywhere on the company dime unless it was for meetings. I am here to say how disappointed I am for my ever-dedicated husband, that he has to do so much hard work and give up so much at home, but doesn't get to play on that same game field as some others. And how very hard that fact is on him, and how hard it is on me to watch it and not be able to offer any solutions or options for him. I would do absolutely anything in my power for that man, I love him without reservations or limits.
I don't blame any one person for my husband's stressful job because I know at the end of the day, most everyone there is just as stressed out as J is. But I see how it is tearing down my husband so that makes me mad and defensive. And yes, biased. J has always had fire and passion about his job, about the company. That is, until last year when he was passed over for another promotion, once again in favor of someone from outside the company. Ever since then, J can barely tolerate his job and the company. To say he is still bitter, is an understatement. To say he now feels trapped, is putting it mildly. Most mornings J does not even want to get up, and he's never been like that before. Recently, it's getting worse. This morning he said if he was lucky, he would die and wouldn't have to go back. Those are the kinds of things I was saying, before I quit working there.
I blame the entire company. They have a slave master mentality, everything they do is for the bottom dollar. And they are not sharing it with anyone else but the investors. Certainly not the people who are actually creating the profits. Once, when we were owned by another entity, the company had a family atmosphere and it was a generous place where everyone loved to work. Now with our new owners entrenched, long time employees are running out the door as fast as they can. Again, I am digressing into a rant against the company, but right now they are my enemy because they are changing my husband into someone I barely recognize anymore. It's to the point, I don't care about the great salary- that money isn't making a difference when J can't even smile anymore. And right now, I desperately want J to quit working there, the sooner the better. But it won't happen.
As many times as I've encouraged J to go look for a job at another company, he says he can't. And that is where I feel helpless. He makes enough money that he was able to support me leaving, but it doesn't work the other way around. He can't just quit. And the company has dangled enough carrots in front of all their donkeys- stock options, etc.- that he feels like he has to stick around. When his bonus got cut this year, they exchanged the annual payout for a future incentive bonus, but one he won't get for another 4-5 years. The stock options he's been accumulating, are "ghost" stocks because our company is privately held- they are useless and have no value unless we become publicly traded. And J will get to benefit from this crap, these worthless promises of potential money, only if he stays with the company for several more years. If he left now, he would lose it all. I said, what would you lose, you don't "have" anything. You get a paycheck, that is it. All jobs give out paychecks. What else can this company do for its dedicated employees, to keep them from going to the competitor, to keep them from looking for more lucrative employment? The days of promising "future" money is something from another generation- good workers need to be rewarded now. Still, J looks at all of this as our retirement. Potential retirement, since none of those stock options may ever be worth one single cent.
It pains me so deeply, that I can't take care of my husband in a way that would allow him to step back from the stress. That was his sacrifice for me, so that I could get away from it. He tells me, everything he does, is for me and all he wants out of life is my health and happiness. It makes my heart swell with love for this man, but makes it break with sadness at the same time. He can't escape the burden, because he has to continue on in order for me to stay home and get my health back. In the meantime, I watch his health- both physical and emotional- suffer even more. And I feel powerless. I've thought about going out to get another job, but he said no, not yet. And even if I did, it wouldn't matter, this isn't about me having a salary or not. He wouldn't leave the company, and he can't back off from the grueling hours and all his duties as long as he stays there. He said his plan is to stick it out there until he is 50, and that's almost four more years. I am not sure he can last that long, but I know J, and I know he will continue to push himself every day, to get in there, to do what he gets paid to do and more, to handle whatever tasks he is given.
I want to rescue my husband. I want him to be around for our old age together, and the way things are going, I am not sure J will be alive in 10-20 years from now. His blood sugar, his cholesterol, his blood pressure, his weight. Thankfully he quit smoking, and drinks only rarely. But, the stress is eating him alive, and that's as dangerous as any pack of Camels. What is the point of me getting healthy again, if he is not going to be there with me? I don't want to live without him.
MISS GEE
No comments:
Post a Comment