We had another nice vacation recently, to Niagara Falls and New England, to see the colors. Frankly, the colors up there were no better than the colors back here at home. We did so much driving that we didn't have time to stop and actually do anything. And it rained almost the whole time. My entire vacation was experienced through the windshield, strapped in the front seat of my car. We had two days at the Falls, but the rest was a mind-numbing road trip that for me was agonizing. The pain of sitting all day, and the car sickness I get sometimes with my claustrophobia. Of course being with J was the main objective for me. He said he had a great time, it was one of his favorite vacations ever. I was thinking, I wouldn't even put it in my top twenty. I guess he got something out of being on the road that I didn't feel. But he had a wonderful time- and we didn't fight except for the few hours we were lost and driving aimlessly in New York City at rush hour. He was fine. I was freaking the hell out. Sometimes being in a car with someone nonstop for eight days would drive you crazy. But we did really well. It gave me hope that maybe we can take another big road trip one day. At least, if we can stop and DO things and GO places, instead of just zooming by and saying oh look there's....okay never mind, we already drove by.
When we got home, it was obvious that one of the cats had injured himself while we were gone. This is the cat who hides from the pet sitters, they can see him wedged behind the washing machine and the wall, so they know he's alive, but that's it. He and our newest cat tend to fight, or rather, the newest cat tends to beat up on him because she's very high energy and likes to play rough. And when that happens, he always gets stressed and anxious and develops a UTI- which leads to peeing all over the house and blood in his urine. This time it was so bad he became anemic. But after three appointments- and $1000- he began to improve. Of course, one of my cats being sick is like a massive bomb going off in my world, triggering an avalanche of anxiety in ME. I got buried in it this time. While he was sick, our other cat with cancer has started feeling worse, and in the middle of all that, one of my dear friends back home died in a tragic accident. I spent many late nights texting with friends about the meaning of life and why did shitty things happen to decent people while scumbags seem to rule the world.
It's been a long few weeks. Next week I'll be with my family for the holiday. J will stay home with the cats. The cat with cancer has to be boarded because he's on three medications a day and chemo. The other cats of course stay at home and our lovely pet sitters check up on them. But, it's stressful for them all when we're gone. Since we just had two back to back long vacations, we decided it would be best for J to take the week off from work and stay home with them. Ditto for Christmas- we had a trip planned but we've cancelled it and instead my dad will be here staying with us.
I loathe Thanksgiving, for real. Ever since I moved away from home, my parents have always rented a cabin in the mountains so the entire family can come together. For J's family, Thanksgiving is the biggest time of the year, so from day one of us dating he put his foot down and said there will be NO compromises on this one thing. He (we) will spend the holiday with his family. Since we've been together, I've seen my family either the few days before Thanksgiving or the few days afterward. But the actual day itself is spent with J's huge family. I know every family has drama, but J's family wears me down. There will be 19 of us this year. Ugh. J's sisters and nieces breeze in at the last minute- they don't help their parents with anything, not even cleaning up afterward- they huddle off in little corners with their whispers and laughs and glasses of wine. I've always felt excluded, even after these 15 years. They're wonderful women, but gatherings at their parents' house seem to bring out the worst in them. My oldest SIL can barely tolerate being around her parents, and she doesn't attempt to hide her feelings.
I will see my family at their cabin the few days before Thanksgiving, but even that has become stressful since my mom died. My sister is resentful that everything has fallen on her- in other words, she has to do all the things my mom did. Well, there are 5 of them and they'll be there 8 days. On the other hand, there's just little ol' me and I'm only popping in for 3 days. Sorry, I have no plans or desire to "take care" of her family and cater to them while I'm there, no matter how much pressure she is putting on me to "help" out. Her texts were dripping with meanness and guilt and sarcasm about what she "needed" and "wanted" both me and my dad to be in charge of. I volunteered to cook for everyone- ONE night. She had the nerve to send me this huge shopping list- which included things like toilet paper and laundry detergent. Uhm I'm sorry, I'm not providing all the supplies for you and your husband and your sons. She said she was busy with work this week and couldn't get to the store. Well, she has an able bodied husband and grown children who can go for her. J said NO way, I shouldn't feel guilty and cave in to her demands. So, I will be glad when the holiday week is freakin over! And I'll be damned if I'm going back to the cabin next year, I will suddenly get the flu or something.
My health is horrendous right now. No matter how much I promise myself that I will DO BETTER, I just never seem to be able to pull it off. It's like a magic trick whose secret continues to elude me. Last week I went to the grocery store and bought a shitload of healthy groceries, yet this week I've lived off popcorn for lunch and pretzels at night. Because it was easy, because I had no energy, because I've been in that I don't give a fuck about myself mindset lately. The weather isn't cooperating either. It's glorious and lovely on the weekends when J is home, and I'm grateful for that. But during the week when I'm floundering, it's been shitty and rainy and gloomy and damp. Every week. Every Monday through Friday for weeks now. It's miserable. It's making me miserable. The one day I did kick myself in the ass enough to go for a walk, it sucked.
But everything in this blog is just one big stupid meaningless excuse as to why I can't get my shit together. There's nothing in this post that millions of other people don't regularly deal with and overcome easily. I know I'm my own biggest obstacle, but how do you get around yourself when you are trying to help yourself?! I try to imagine my depression and anxiety as a road block sign in the middle of my path. If I was out driving and trying to reach my destination, what would I do? Just sit there staring at the sign? Turn around and go back home? I would find an alternate route to get to where I wanted to be. But instead when it comes to my depression, I'm not even on the road. I'm hiding inside because I already know that road block is out there, and there's no point of even trying to go anywhere. I don't know what to do to shake that feeling, to get over that. I don't know how to convince myself that there are a thousand roads out there and just taking the wheel in the first place is step one to a happier and healthier me.
MISS GEE
