The Thanksgiving holiday gave me moments to ponder this. How my decisions create the life I live, and how the decisions of people in my early years also played such a huge part in "making" me who I am. I didn't grow up rich, but I grew up with two parents who stayed together and set good examples. My father always worked, my mother always stayed at home to raise us. They didn't drink or smoke, and didn't cuss in front of us, didn't do drugs, didn't break the law. We were taught to not steal, not cheat. I grew up not struggling, not wanting for food or shelter or clothes. Some people will say I was lucky. I don't believe that. I believe that MY parents were the people they were, because of the decisions of their parents, and so on. Both of their sets of parents worked hard and lived good lives, so my parents continued the tradition, and my sister and I both adhered to that way of thinking. My sister is now raising two sons who don't get in trouble, do well in school, have friends, don't talk back, who do what their parents tell them to do, who say please and thank you and yes sir. And because of that, I believe my nephews will both be successful and balanced and hopefully happy men.
Stopping at a gas station over the holidays, we found three young people in the parking lot trying to make their way to California. The girl was strumming her guitar, singing, and even though they were obviously having issues, you could hear joy in her voice and see the smile on her face. I had planned to get myself a coffee and a snack, but instead gave her the dollars in my pocket. After putting gas in our own truck, J offered to fill up their car, which they gratefully accepted. We could have walked on by like everyone else and went about our own business, but we like- and want- to do the right thing and help when we can, because we are fortunate and in the position to spare a few bucks. The decision to help them out may not make a real difference in the end, but hopefully it made a difference that cold night. Hopefully they will pass it on if they ever come into a similar situation.
At Thanksgiving with J's family, his younger sister invited two strangers, a homeless couple, to share the day with us. I think at first it took us all by surprise, no one knew what to think or do. But in a house filled with four generations and 15 family members, having two more at the table wasn't a burden. They were living in their car at a truck stop, he was working a few hours a week at a barely-minimum wage job, and she was pregnant. So they spent a few hours in a warm home, ate a big meal, and took enough leftovers with them to hopefully see them through another day or two. Maybe the gesture was small and was only one dinner, but perhaps they wouldn't have eaten at all that day if not for the invitation. We don't know, we didn't judge, we just said- here please have more there's plenty for everyone.
These stories have two sides. The decision to help out people when they are having a tough time, is really an obvious one to make. I know there are scammers out there, panhandling as a "living", but a lot of folks just need a small break in life. And maybe the only break they get that day is a dollar from a stranger. That's our side- we have the easy part, as the "giver" who can afford to give, as the people who have enough to share with others in need. But it made me think about how we got to that point, as well as how the other side got to where they were at. Maybe someone is homeless because of a job loss, but maybe they are homeless because of terrible decisions that they made. The man that came to our family dinner did admit to being a convicted felon, for burglary. He had been a successful construction worker before, and lost his house because of his crime and jail time. That was his decision to rob someone. And he says now, because of that, he can't find decent employment to support his family. I feel sympathy for their situation. But no one made him commit a robbery. Now his child will be born to a mother who sits alone in a small compact car in a parking lot all day long, waiting for her husband to come back from his shift at a fast food place. Because he made a bad decision.
The decisions that both J and I have made over the years- individually before we met and as a couple since we've been together- have cemented the life we share. Decisions about jobs, about partners, about how to spend or save money, about who we befriended. Decisions about what to eat or what not to drink. Decisions about earning what you have, and not taking what doesn't belong to you. The decision to not punch out your boss because he's a dick, the decision to leave a relationship that has become abusive, the decision to avoid people who will lead you down the wrong pathway. It's a choice to avoid the bad- don't do drugs, don't drink and drive, don't lie to others, don't steal from the store or break into someone's house, don't kill anyone. It's a choice to embrace the good- forgiveness, truth, love, honesty, working hard, commitment.
I'm in a good place now, but I've known those lean years. I've had those years of no health insurance but getting sick, of renting an old mouse-infested house and being glad for it, of driving a 20-year-old piece of crap car but having days when I couldn't afford to put gas in it so I walked to work or took a bus. In any of those situations I could have decided to steal what I wanted or ignored the bill from the walk-in clinic or found excuses not to show up at my work. I've had to make that decision to get a second crappy job on top of a full time job that exhausted me, just so I could pay those bills and have that place to live. That was my choice. I may have hated that job, it may have sucked, it may have been "beneath" me- but I grew up with parents who made similar decisions to work multiple jobs and always pay their debts and bills. So I made the same decision. I have free will. I could have just shrugged my shoulders and said oh well fuck it all. That too would have been a choice. But I didn't go that route. Some people do.
Decisions- good and bad- can snowball sometimes. For yourself or others. Sometimes you can't see beyond a choice and how it directly pertains to only you at that moment. Deciding to eat a chocolate chip cookie every day may seem like a little thing, but it may be the one thing that causes me to die of a heart attack, and leaves my family behind, devastated. Deciding to finally clean up my space and take an old dress I never wear anymore to Goodwill, may be the first step for a single mom to get a better job and lift her entire family up. Everyone can make a decision to change something. Today I will decide to not buy a pack of cigarettes for myself and instead buy a bag of apples for my children. Today I will smile at the coworker who is always rude to me. Today I will take a walk around the block instead of watching another sitcom. Today I will call my mom. Today I will cut off that person in my life who always drags me down. Today I will pay attention in class then study, instead of partying all night. We do many of these things every day without putting any thought into them, and maybe we should be more mindful of each choice we make and what it may lead to.
Maybe those people we helped over the holidays- with money or food- have had bad luck on their side since before they were born. Perhaps their parents made horrible choices in life, which in turn paved their road with even more bad decisions to come. I really do try not to judge. I would like to think that everyone can make good choices and better decisions, no matter their station in life, and I know I'm naïve to say that. Maybe you can't make the big decisions- about jobs or finances- because you aren't in a position to have those choices available to you. But I would like to think that no matter your circumstances or upbringing, you can make the every day decisions for yourself to be faithful, to always tell the truth, to uphold the law, and to say no thanks when others around you are not choosing so wisely. Small ideals, but who knows what those seemingly insignificant decisions will do for that person's life and the people around them.
MISS GEE
