Back To Good

J had to head back to the airport again today for another two weeks on his same assignment, and those should be his last weeks at this place.  I hated that he had to leave today.  He literally had to get up in the middle of us watching a movie, to go catch his flight.  One minute we were on the couch laughing at a cute comedy and relaxing, and the next minute I'm walking him and his big suitcase out the door.  I watched the last half hour of the movie, but without him there, I don't think I laughed or even smiled at it again.  I'm glad for the extra time off his boss gave him this last week. I did have to share a lot of it with his family, but I got good quality time with him as well.  It will end up being ten weeks total at this particular office once he's done, and he is SO ready to move on.  This place has depressed him, made him question taking this promotion in the first place, and he said it's starting to suck any joy or happiness out of him.  His boss told him, this will probably be the worst assignment he will ever have, so J said well that's good to know- it can only get better. I hate that this "worst assignment" had to be the FIRST assignment!

Next Saturday I have another show to work.  Yesterday we spent the day putting up the tent and banner, a "trial run" if you will, because I haven't set any of it up yet at the previous shows.  But it's hotter than crap down here right now, and on Saturday I will need the tent over the booth just for the shade!  I can pay extra for electricity hookup, and I thought about it just to have a fan going, but the show ends by 2pm, so I can sweat it out that long.  J stays at the shows with me, but he hangs out a little ways away.  So far we keep getting the same spot for our booth, because I request it, and J can sit up under this gigantic old oak tree.  Once a "real" customer approaches me (not just a looker or casual shopper), J comes over and helps with the transaction.  Usually he makes change while I wrap and bag, because I totally SUCK at quick math that I have to do in my head.  Yes, I know, that from someone who did accounting for almost 30 years.  Plus I need J to help me with the setting up and breaking down of the booth, the tables, displays, etc.  I could do it alone if I had to, but no way do I want to.  I hate it that this weekend, he is only home for Saturday, and I'm going to use it all up.

This week I will be busy making a few more things, and working on new displays.  Why do I wait until the last possible moment to do these things?  That seems to be the way I have approached major tasks my entire life.  I'm sure you know someone just like that in your own life.  Not to say that I work best under pressure, but it seems that's the situation I always put myself in.  On top of that, this weekend when we went to visit his aunt and uncle, they filled the back of my SUV with books.  They are helping their elderly neighbor pack up and move and she had a few hundred books to get rid of.  It sounded like a good idea in the beginning, but once we got home and I started digging through them I realized they are mostly junk.  Nothing worth selling online.  I mean, things my regular used book store won't even take for trade.  Looks like a lot to go to charity.  Right now the garage is full with the boxes, and J couldn't even park his car in there, so I have all week to get them all sorted and carried down to the basement before J comes home on Friday night.  Nothing really to gain with bringing them all home, just a lot of work for me.  Last big task for this week is clearing off the dining room table.  J and I went to a few really nice estate sales yesterday and all of my goodies are strewn about the table.  I always buy small things for my online shop.  Many people hit up estate sales on the first day, and that's great if you are looking for the most valuable items.  But we always go on the last day, because almost all sales reduce the prices by 50% or more by then, because they are wanting to get rid of things.  This is where I can find my deals.  I am not running an antique store, I'm just looking for little trinkets I can buy for 50 cents and sell for $5.00 on Etsy. This weekend I found a lot of neat stuff to add to my inventory, but I know J doesn't really want to still see it all in the same spot when he gets home on Friday.

As for J and I, lately all our talk has been the same old back and forth- do we want to move or do we want to stay.  We don't know, but it feels like it's all we ever talk about anymore.  We both change our minds every week it seems.  As much as we hate this town, we are just really in a good area and in our heart of hearts, we know it.  Maybe we don't like the "lifestyle" of the neighbors next to us, but if we move, who's to say we would get neighbors that were any better. At least this group, having lived next to them all these years, we sort of know what to expect and we're never surprised by anything that goes on over there. Frankly I just want this conversation to stop for now. We've already agreed and decided together that we will make NO decision at all until probably 2017.  But there I am, always online, looking at other houses, other cities, filling my Zillow account with "saved favorites".  I drive myself crazy with it, and probably J too because I'm always emailing him links to houses that are out of our reach- either physically because of location or financially because of price.  We talk about instead of moving, just buying a vacation home- a condo on the beach or a cabin in the mountains.  But I like the vacations that we take, I don't want to be locked into ONE location for the rest of my days simply because we put all our money into a second home.  A quiet cabin in the woods sounds like heaven and a great investment, but don't tell me I can't take my trip to Bermuda next year because of it.

So other than taking one of the cats Monday morning for his annual visit, I have nothing on the books this week other than getting ready to set up my booth this weekend.  I am not going to let myself get stressed about a single thing at all!  I am going to remind myself that even though I have tasks to accomplish this week, they are fun and simple and none of it is so important that I need to get in a tizzy over it.  No one out there cares if I don't make any new jewelry this week for the show.  Hell, J wouldn't even know if I did or didn't.  So yeah I've got a lot of stuff to do in the next few days, and yeah today I am having back spasms so bad it's all I can do to sit upright and sort through my newest beads.  But it's still a great day.  It was a great weekend with my husband.  It will be a great week.

I will post again shortly, I have something else on my mind.  Today I just wanted to keep it light.

MISS GEE

Short

I am coming off a bad few days, and I'm still trying to shake it all loose.  I really don't even want to blog today but I thought it might help unload some stuff.  I don't know why, I've had some anger well up inside of me lately.  No reason.  Nothing happened, nothing set me off, nothing at all.  My anger is like any of my other emotions, my depression, my anxiety.  It happens out of nowhere a lot.  It started last week and trailed me around over the weekend.  It's still sitting inside of me right now.  Nothing that I do has lessened its grip on me.  I'm not mad at anyone in particular, I'm not angry about any one thing.  It's just the feeling inside my chest.  It's overwhelming right now.

J's boss recognized that for the last seven weeks, he's worked six days a week and has only been home one day a week.  So he let J have off this last Monday and this coming Friday.  We were able to have a nice long weekend, where I was hoping we could relax and reconnect.  But he wanted to go drive the 250 miles to visit his family.  Normally I am okay with that, but for some reason I didn't really want to go this time.  I adore his family, even with all their ordinary human flaws.  Yet my head was in that bad space this visit.  Things annoyed me more than usual, and while I always keep my comments to myself, this weekend I pointed things out to J that bothered me about his sisters, his parents.  I was even slightly rude to his mother, although she deserved it for making some disgusting homophobic remarks. Not that J disagrees with me, but it's one thing for your husband to complain about his own family.  It's an entirely different animal when I do it.  J didn't seem to really notice my comments or attitude.  He could just tell I was in an ill mood and out of sorts. I apologized and just chalked it up to being tired, easy enough for him to understand because he was tired as well.  It's a long drive just for a short visit.

I had the stirrings of a migraine start on Sunday, then Monday I was at that stage where, if it got any worse I was going to be bedridden.  But it stopped just short of that level of pain.  Even so, I still had to ask to have lamps turned off and voices lowered.  Perhaps that is why my tolerance of everyone and everything is so very low right now.  I've even been irritated with my beloved cats, yelling at one for his constant meowing and pushing another one away when he kept jumping up in my lap.  You know it's a shitty day when you get mad at your sweet kitties for showing you affection.  Instead I simply felt smothered and overcome.

I'm glad I have a short "alone" week, with J only being gone for three days.  After that, it will be a few more weeks of him traveling Sunday through Friday.  I decided that for this week, I'm taking a break from trying to be the perfect housewife.  I spend every Friday cleaning the house from top to bottom and planning an extra special meal for J's return.  He certainly doesn't request or even expect that, but I keep trying.  This week I said screw it, I'm not even sure I will be up to vacuuming.  This weekend we have to go see his aunt and uncle who live about two hours away.  They ask us all the time to come and see them, and since he has Friday off we decided to go.  Being around them is not quite as stressful as being around his parents.

I've been trying to find distractions to get me outside of my head this week, but nothing is working.  Even pleasant tasks like reading or loading my kiln, have me desperately trying to find my breath, trying to settle my thoughts.  I am simply finding it difficult to focus on anything, to be present in the specific moment at hand.  I can't sit still or find peace.  I bounce my knee, I repeatedly sigh, I close my eyes to shut out the world for just a second.  I concentrate on the negative, not even seeing any of the positive.

When I'm home alone, I sometimes wish I had friends or family up the street I could spend time with.  When I have to be around people, I sometimes can't wait until I am all by myself again.  I miss J when he leaves.  I feel relief when he leaves.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm really just pissed off with myself, because I can't seem to get a handle on my stupid life.

I know I should be trying to figure out where the anger comes from, but this week it has me beat down, and I'm instead just burying my head in the sand waiting for it to subside.  Alas, I know it will return without warning soon.  Maybe I'll work on the issue the next time around.  This week, I just don't give a damn.

MISS GEE