It Keeps Spinning

I would love to post all about J's new job, but right now there is nothing newsworthy to tell.  Officially he "starts" his new position/new title/new salary on Monday.  But for the time being, he's staying put at his current office.  Corporate doesn't want to yank the rug out from under his team- there is no net in place yet to catch them when they fall, and they will.  Yesterday he was given the all clear to tell the managers who work under him about his promotion, and one of the guys actually started to cry.  I know J probably has haters working there, but for the most part I'm proud to say he is well-loved and respected by his crew. His move to corporate is still somewhat confidential and no major announcements were made.  So as of Monday, J will go to work at his old office, but his "boss" won't be his boss anymore!  It will be weird for a few weeks I think, then the dam will burst and he will pack up the office paraphernalia he's accumulated over the years- framed photos, awards, motivational posters, toys- and bring it all home.  Then he will have to get acclimated to packing up a suitcase, and the lounges at the airports and desks in the hotel rooms will be his new office.

Things are going pretty damn nicely around here.  Not just because of J's job, but that has helped bring a somewhat happy and light air to our household.  We're still in that phase of holding our breath together and waiting for all the good stuff to happen, because we are confident it will!  The weather is still unbelievably delightful here- still cool, 40's at night, 70's during the day.  I have still been able to leave the windows open throughout the house, the birds are still showing off for spring with their cacophony of songs and calls, and finally we have a bounty of flowers blooming just outside our door.  And I am feeling great.  I don't know why, but I'm not going to question it, and I'm not going to take it for granted because I know that come tomorrow things could change.  You know, any day when I can walk by my open front window and feel a cool breeze and see roses and bluebirds and sunlight glistening on damp green grass, how can it be anything but amazing and wonderful??

I just know that when I am having a period of GOOD MOODS, I have got to retrain my brain to take advantage of it.  Right now with J revamped and excited about his new prospects, I've been trying to concentrate on my own.  During the down periods of the last few months, I've let my Etsy shop become empty and frankly, I wasn't working on anything at all.  Art- even if it's not selling- still makes me feel as though I add some value to the world.  The creative process alone keeps me going some days, but I've kept my muse tied up in a dark closet somewhere lately.  The last few days I've been working again, on making things and listing items in my shop.  I've got a big two-day festival coming up in the middle of May, and although I've been dragging my feet on that as well, I've got to get myself focused and pointed in the right direction.  And after that, I've got to start moving!  I appreciate the fact that I have the kind of enviable life where true quiet and the elusive concept of stillness are always available to me.  But as the old saying goes- sometimes too much of even a good thing, is bad.

I'm going to keep the post short today.  I just want to go outside, get some sun on my face, and be part of the world.

MISS GEE

Retraction

Well this morning I have to "undo" my last post.  Friday J was offered the promotion, and today he will accept it officially with paperwork and announcements and all that fanfare.  We don't know when he would start, it may be a few weeks yet.  Since J has so many responsibilities at his current position, he has a lot of knowledge and duties to pass along, so he feels he needs some time to take care of that and not leave his team in a lurch.  He's not out to hurt anyone or screw anyone over- he is still with the company after all.

This weekend he voiced all his concerns and fears and self-doubts, but in the end, he knows this is what he wants.  19 years in with the company, and he still has the drive to keep moving up the ladder.  Any trepidation he has about this new promotion is just over the unknown, and that will ease in time.  We are happy and excited and scared and anxious all at once.

Along the same lines, this weekend marked my two year anniversary of leaving the same company after my much shorter (12 years) career there.  I've made some improvements to my life, but not as many as I had hoped I would.  But the key is to keep going forward.  I have already told myself that with J's new job and his soon-to-be travels, I will use all the new "me" time to continue on my journey.

Here's to hoping that this will be an exciting phase of our lives, and that the voyage will be positive!

MISS GEE

Crystal Ball

I wish I had one, so I could see my husband's future.  J went off to work today with his head hanging low.  He said he has no hope.  He said he doesn't know what he's going to do.

After waiting around for this last week, hoping to hear about his promotion, J found out that they are now starting the interview process all over again with new people.  For him, that's pretty much a red flag that he didn't get the job.  He is beyond down in the dumps.  This is the sixth time he's interviewed for a promotion.  The sixth time he hears all the right things- "you are the number one candidate!"- and the sixth time he's faced rejection.  He always takes it hard.  

I tell him not to take it personally, I'm sure it was a business decision.  But he said how can he not take it personally?  They are rejecting him- his career with the company, his desire to move up, his leadership abilities, his dedication.  The sad thing is, J really really does love his job and loves the company and loves what he does for a living.  He wants to continue with his career, he's just ready to take it to the next level before that creeping sensation of burn out catches up with him.  It's hot on his heels right now and it gets closer with every day, every week.

So these are the times where I'm at a loss.  When you are the one who always needs support, always needs to be lifted out of the doldrums- it can be a daunting task to figure out the best way to help someone else.  I support J in his decisions, and I support him with his plans for our future.  I try to contain my anger and support him when, like today he said he has to work until 9pm on a review board that his boss is supposed to be handling but is making J do it instead.

As for me personally, I am totally defensive about my husband.  As his wife, the only person who sees all the behind-the-scenes action in his life, I know there is no one else as deserving as he is for a promotion.  No one as qualified.  No one who has put in his dues like J has.  But I am biased, I know.  For every person who interviewed for this job, I am sure they had someone cheering them on from home.  I will always cheer for J, he is the most amazing man and husband in the world.  But I don't know how to make him feel better about his "work" persona.  I say the right things- I'm sorry, it's okay, it will happen one day.  But I know it doesn't help his mental state right now.  This morning all he could talk about is- "what did I do wrong?"  He starts to beat himself up over some imagined flaw, something he must have said wrong in the interview.

This morning I told him, we will speak no more about this promotion.  We will go on with our life together.  If by some miracle he gets a happy phone call in a few days, then it will be a nice surprise and we will celebrate it.  If not, then we carry on today as scheduled- trying to fit in a visitation for a friend's brother amid J's multiple review board cases. We will go on with our plans for the weekend- lots of yard work and finding someone to paint our house a new color. Monday morning he will get up and go to work as he does at the start of every week.  We will go on with our normal days and nights and love each other and that's that.  I told him, if he doesn't get this job, it's for a reason. Yes I know that's a cliche, but I believe it.  Things do happen for a reason, even though you may never ever find out what that reason was.

J knows that I love him, but in this situation there is nothing I can say or do to make him feel any better.  He knows I'm going to love him no matter what job he has or what company he works for.  But once he gets to the workplace and all hell breaks loose- which it seems to do more and more often these days- then I'm not so sure my unwavering love offers any real comfort in those moments of high stress and fatiguing long hours.

Normally I leave him alone during the day, knowing how busy he is.  But lately I've been trying to call him more often at work, at lunchtime when I know he's in his office for a brief few minutes, to let him know I am thinking about him and I love him.  Some days I can hear the stress and hurriedness in his voice, other days I hear the softness in his words that says he's happy to hear from me.  I just wish I could wave a wand and make all his troubles disappear, and grant him the recognition and future he so rightly deserves!

But I know J.  He will put on a good front, he will seem as though he is shaking it off and moving forward but I know better- I know it will eat him up on the inside for a long time as it always does.  But he will call me tomorrow afternoon in a tired yet glad-the-week-is-finally-over voice and say let's go to dinner and a movie Friday night.  Saturday we will go to the garden center and get mulch for the flower beds.  Sunday we will sleep in and spend the morning over coffee and the newspaper. And one day, he will put in for another promotion.  But no matter what goes on during the hours when J isn't at the house, our life together- our REAL life here at home- will never change. We both take comfort in the certainty of that future.

MISS GEE

Can I Let Go?

It's odd but I knew a week ago that I would be posting today.  You see, this afternoon J flies "out west" for a job interview.  It's the second interview, and apparently he impressed them enough on the first phone interview that the company is willing to cough up a grand to ship him across the country for a face to face meeting.  He will be home tomorrow around midnight.  Since we moved here in 2008, this will be the sixth time J has chased after a promotion.  This time he might actually get it.  At least he's being fed information- which could be total bullshit- that he's the front runner for the job.  And yes we're cautious because he's been told that before, only to find out he was passed over.  Again.  But this time it seems more serious, even I think he might get the job and I am always the pessimist.  The regional HR person even stepped in and did a mock interview with him, coaching him.

The job is not quite the promotion he really wants- but it's a position that's above what he does now, but below what he wants to ultimately do.  It would be a good stepping stone though.  If he gets this job, he will either love it and be invigorated and be happy to continue with it until retirement.  Or he will hate it and be stuck and looking for a way out.  It's a chance he is willing to take.  At this point, the way his current job is going, nothing else could make him quite as miserable.  J tries to just brush it off and act nonchalant- we've already been through this so many times before.  But I think he wants this opportunity, this job, more than he's willing to let on.  This morning his stomach hurt, fraught with nerves over a meeting still 24 hours away.

Last Friday is a perfect example of how ridiculously shitty his job has become.  I've mentioned that J is over the entire operations of his building- 400+ employees, five or six departments.  He has five managers that work under him, and about a dozen supervisors under them.  But J is over it all.  Day and night, weekday and weekend.  So Friday morning the phone rings at 4am.  Not unusual, we're used to the phone going off at all hours.  But this time it wasn't good news, problems with the overnight crew, and so J hopped up right away and shot off to work.  We had tickets to a basketball game in the city that night, not until 7:30pm, no worries.  A long day for J, but he would manage.  In the afternoon he called me several times to say, things are going to crap at work, he is feeling sick, and he doesn't think he can get out of work in time for the game so he's selling the tickets online.  

Then when I'm sitting at home wondering when he will be home for dinner, he calls to say more problems, and HE has to drive an hour south to meet a customer to pick up product the guy was accidentally given that actually belongs to another customer, then take it back to the warehouse.  Why J?  J is an executive making six figures.  Can't someone else do it??  But everyone else just went home at their normal time to their families, without giving a shit about anything that was going on at work, the "someone else will handle it" mentality.  Why?  Because J always comes to the rescue and everyone has depended on that for all these years, so no one else makes an effort.  So all of this running about for J, over five small boxes of items for one customer.  J finally made it to the house at 11pm, indeed sick with something, and he couldn't make it home in time.  He had puked all over his clothes, his shoes, his truck, all over the driveway outside.  Then he spent the entire weekend in bed.

If I sound angry, it's because I still am.  For all of J's unwavering work ethics and dedication and leadership skills, he has a very unassuming manner and is easily taken advantage of.  At least that's how I see it.  He sees it as just doing his job.

So, that is unfortunately NOT a once in a lifetime day at work for J.  Crap like that happens all the time.  And I am tired of him always being the one to step up and handle problems that other people create ("That's what I get paid for" he says), and I'm tired of him never ever getting so much as a thank you from anyone ("People don't know what I do behind the scenes and I don't advertise it" he shrugs) and I'm tired of work always cutting into our family time ("It's the job that pays for all our vacations and good times" he reminds me).  So that makes me even madder every time he puts in for a promotion and gets passed over, especially the last few times when it was an unproven newcomer hired from outside the company.  To say that I hope with all my heart that J finally finally finally gets his chance this time, is an understatement.

But the flipside to the promotion is- this is a traveling job.  Full time travel.  Every week, every day.  J would only be home for the weekends, and sometimes- if he has to stay in the same place- he may not even come home on the weekend.  Anyone who reads my blog knows that time with J is already at a minimum and very precious to me.  So how can I be okay with giving up even more of it?  Simple.  I love J.  And I want this for him.  And frankly I have this little devilish side that thinks his current cast of coworkers will simply be screwed if he leaves, because no one there can do what J does.  No one else has the knowledge, the drive, the motivation to do what he does.  Not his boss.  Not the managers J personally handpicked and trained.

This promotion would have J traveling all over the country, to the 60+ other warehouses, helping them out.  He would go wherever he was needed, north or south, east or west.  And J would be excellent at that, he is outstanding at solving problems, overcoming challenges, figuring out new ways of doing things- he actually enjoys it.  And since he's been with the company for almost 20 years, there's nothing about operations that he doesn't know.  But having said that, each warehouse sort of does their own thing, so J is interested in this job because he feels it will be as much of a learning experience for him, and he's ready for something new.  J really needs this, for his sanity, for his soul which is being sucked dry by his current situation.  This new position, he would not be tied down to any single warehouse.  In fact, he wouldn't even have an office anymore, so his current warehouse gang probably wouldn't ever see him again.  Which means on days where he didn't travel he would be at home, if there are ever days he doesn't travel.  (The guy who had the job before finally retired after a LONG time, but he also said he was tired of all the travel to the north during winters.)  Plus, we could live anywhere we want to, as long as J is near an airport. With no "office" to go to, we don't have to live in any specific town or state.

A lot of the talks we've had lately are all the fun "what if" things.  Like, I could sometimes travel with him.  Or we could finally move to Florida.  He would start earning enough points with the airlines and hotels and rental cars we could take free vacations.  Work would be paying for his weekday meals now, cutting down some of our costs.  He would still get his four weeks of vacation every year, his holidays off.  We can put our FaceTime app to good use. We did talk about the negatives, him being away from home.  I told him, the changes are greater for him than for me.  Sure, he won't be home at night, but I'll still be here in my comfort zone- on our old couch watching TV, cuddling with the cats, sleeping in our bed.  He's the one who will be living out of a hotel room week after week. We talked about him sticking to a diet and exercising while he's on the road, and me doing the same when he's not here.  We've pretty much talked it all out. We go through this every time he interviews for a job. Hopefully this time, it will be our reality instead of just talk.

I think it would take time to get used to it, but I will be okay with J traveling.  Knowing that we are almost 50 and this won't be forever.  Knowing that he's not going off to war.  Knowing that it's not for six months straight without seeing him.  Knowing that it's a positive thing, and not something he's forced into doing against his will.  Knowing that there could even be some fringe benefits.  Right now during the week, I get J's company for a few minutes in the morning as we have coffee, and at night he normally doesn't come home until 8pm now.  We eat a hurried dinner, watch a bit of TV, then go to bed at 10pm.  So really, how much time during the week do we have together?  Would I be selfish enough to say eating dinner with him Monday through Thursday night, is more important than him taking a chance on what could be his dream job?  I would never do that.  I haven't even told my parents yet, they will have a total freak out, their "baby girl" home by herself like some helpless chick left alone in the nest.  I am already home alone every day an average of 13 or more hours a day, so it's really not going to be much of a difference.  As a struggling artist, I  am finally learning to appreciate those quiet hours and use them wisely.

I will post more about this as soon as I know something solid.

MISS GEE

Getting Along

The other day my sister-in-law came to stay with us for a few days.  She is a terrific spirit, a go-getter, and one of the happiest people I've ever met.  I do know she's lonely, but she keeps up appearances for the sake of her two teenage children.  She's divorced from her first husband, and her second husband made her a young widow.  She just recently broke away from the man she had been dating for awhile- he had proposed and she just didn't want the relationship to head in that direction, and the awkwardness of the rejection got in the way.  At lunch one afternoon, she asked J and I if we fought much.  We both looked at each other and said, never.  And that's true.  I told my sister-in-law that I spent my first marriage locked in mortal combat almost daily, and I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life with J that way.

Sure J and I disagree on things, but it never escalates, it rarely amounts to anything much.  I find that the few times we squabble, it's because one (or both) of us is tired or cranky or not feeling well.  It's not an argument so much as it is a subtle statement that "I'm in an ill mood right now, I really don't feel like having this discussion."  With W, even the nightly question of "what do you want to watch on TV?" could turn into an ugly, vicious attack and a nasty bout of screaming and name-calling.  It was a constant nightmare with the ex, we couldn't discuss anything, we couldn't agree on anything, we couldn't make plans together.  We couldn't even agree on pizza toppings.  That man disagreed with me just for the sake of disagreeing.

I don't know why J and I don't fight.  Perhaps it's our age.  I am certainly 1000 times more mature than I was 25 years ago when I was entering into my relationship with W.  I am sure J, who married his first wife when he was barely 20, is an entirely different man now.  Meeting as middle-age divorced people, you've already made all your mistakes and have hopefully learned from them.  I know I did.  When I met J, I already knew what I didn't want in a man and I knew what I wasn't willing to put up with.

J and I aren't boring robots.  We have completely opposite views on the big issues like politics and religion.  We have different preferences on the small things like music tastes, sports teams, and yes even pizza toppings. But none of that is crucial enough to argue over.  None of that matters enough to engage in battle with each other.  We discuss things rationally as adults, listen to each other, recognize and appreciate that we are different people who make a fantastic couple, and move on.  We know we won't ever agree on certain things  (I will never like pepperoni!), but our marriage and our relationship is more important than anything else. Who cares that when we go to vote for the president, we cancel out each other's choice?  We've learned to laugh about it.  He is one party, I am another, and that's how it will always be.  I don't want to change his mind and make him agree with me, that is ridiculous.

We've had one or two major blow-ups, but they were very early in our relationship and I think we weren't as comfortable in the marriage yet.  I look back on those few moments now and think, wow, I was a jackass, why did I make such a big deal out of that?  I remember how I felt during and after those arguments. Confrontation and strife do not bring two people closer together.  Browbeating your partner into agreeing with you is foolish and absurd and frankly dangerous to maintaining a calm, balanced future with one another.

For me, arguing wastes time and energy, hurts feelings, destroys your sense of security and trust.  It eats away at your peace and bond as a couple.  And compromise is not a dirty word.  It's an art.  It takes a lot of work and understanding and love for people to find a solution that makes both parties feel satisfied. Sometimes your partner is the one who gets to be 80% happy with the decision- you have to be good with the other 20% this time and be happy for his happiness.  Next time, it may be your partner who gets the short end of the straw, but know that he will be happy because he loves you and is okay with you being the winner in this round.  Resentment is an ugly monster that has NO place in a marriage.  Learning to calmly discuss the small things- like where to go on vacation- translates to harmony on the big things- like where to buy your next house.

Forgiveness and acceptance are also important.  Not the "I'm sorry" type of forgiveness but just a general give and take on things, the realization that we may have opposite opinions but it's all equal and valid.  You need to accept that your partner really really really doesn't share your opinion or doesn't agree with your decision, and YOU have to be okay with that and move on.  Your spouse doesn't have to agree with you on all things!  It's not the end of the world.  If your husband picks a movie you don't really want to go see, or wants Mexican when you're in the mood for Italian, is it really that big of a deal???

Go, do, enjoy, and you can pick the movie or restaurant next weekend!  Let it go, don't sit and stew over it and let it fester. Don't pout. Don't exaggerate the situation and think "I never get my way!" If you are truly dedicated to the relationship, you understand boundaries, and you know there are certain lines you just can't cross.  So don't!  Twenty years ago, W would have called me a selfish bitch and I would have called him an asshole, and we wouldn't have gone out to eat anywhere at all.  Picking apart the other person is childish.  Revel in your differences.  Don't use them against your partner.  You are a couple, but YOU are also independent and an individual.  Guess what?  So is your partner! This is how it should be.

The reason my sister-in-law was in town in the first place, was because J had a function in the city he wanted to attend.  It concerned one of those bigger subject matters that he and I just don't agree on.  I wouldn't budge- he respected that and didn't try to coerce me into doing something I truly didn't want to do. So he said he wouldn't go, but that's not what I wanted for him.  I didn't want to attend, but I didn't want him to miss out on something he was excited about. He would have preferred that I go with him, but in the end, we compromised.  He wanted to go, I didn't.  But I wasn't going to tell him not to go, and he wasn't going to force me to accompany him.  Instead we agreed to invite his sister to visit us so that she could go with  him.  She was delighted, they had a nice evening together, and we all had a great weekend.  Everyone was happy, everyone "got their way" in the end.  No one was hurt or sad or disappointed or angry.  No resentment.  That's how it should always be.

We didn't argue or fight about it.  It was just one moment, a few hours out of our long life together.  There is always a solution, just work together to find it instead of letting it turn into a quarrel!

MISS GEE