Can I Let Go?

It's odd but I knew a week ago that I would be posting today.  You see, this afternoon J flies "out west" for a job interview.  It's the second interview, and apparently he impressed them enough on the first phone interview that the company is willing to cough up a grand to ship him across the country for a face to face meeting.  He will be home tomorrow around midnight.  Since we moved here in 2008, this will be the sixth time J has chased after a promotion.  This time he might actually get it.  At least he's being fed information- which could be total bullshit- that he's the front runner for the job.  And yes we're cautious because he's been told that before, only to find out he was passed over.  Again.  But this time it seems more serious, even I think he might get the job and I am always the pessimist.  The regional HR person even stepped in and did a mock interview with him, coaching him.

The job is not quite the promotion he really wants- but it's a position that's above what he does now, but below what he wants to ultimately do.  It would be a good stepping stone though.  If he gets this job, he will either love it and be invigorated and be happy to continue with it until retirement.  Or he will hate it and be stuck and looking for a way out.  It's a chance he is willing to take.  At this point, the way his current job is going, nothing else could make him quite as miserable.  J tries to just brush it off and act nonchalant- we've already been through this so many times before.  But I think he wants this opportunity, this job, more than he's willing to let on.  This morning his stomach hurt, fraught with nerves over a meeting still 24 hours away.

Last Friday is a perfect example of how ridiculously shitty his job has become.  I've mentioned that J is over the entire operations of his building- 400+ employees, five or six departments.  He has five managers that work under him, and about a dozen supervisors under them.  But J is over it all.  Day and night, weekday and weekend.  So Friday morning the phone rings at 4am.  Not unusual, we're used to the phone going off at all hours.  But this time it wasn't good news, problems with the overnight crew, and so J hopped up right away and shot off to work.  We had tickets to a basketball game in the city that night, not until 7:30pm, no worries.  A long day for J, but he would manage.  In the afternoon he called me several times to say, things are going to crap at work, he is feeling sick, and he doesn't think he can get out of work in time for the game so he's selling the tickets online.  

Then when I'm sitting at home wondering when he will be home for dinner, he calls to say more problems, and HE has to drive an hour south to meet a customer to pick up product the guy was accidentally given that actually belongs to another customer, then take it back to the warehouse.  Why J?  J is an executive making six figures.  Can't someone else do it??  But everyone else just went home at their normal time to their families, without giving a shit about anything that was going on at work, the "someone else will handle it" mentality.  Why?  Because J always comes to the rescue and everyone has depended on that for all these years, so no one else makes an effort.  So all of this running about for J, over five small boxes of items for one customer.  J finally made it to the house at 11pm, indeed sick with something, and he couldn't make it home in time.  He had puked all over his clothes, his shoes, his truck, all over the driveway outside.  Then he spent the entire weekend in bed.

If I sound angry, it's because I still am.  For all of J's unwavering work ethics and dedication and leadership skills, he has a very unassuming manner and is easily taken advantage of.  At least that's how I see it.  He sees it as just doing his job.

So, that is unfortunately NOT a once in a lifetime day at work for J.  Crap like that happens all the time.  And I am tired of him always being the one to step up and handle problems that other people create ("That's what I get paid for" he says), and I'm tired of him never ever getting so much as a thank you from anyone ("People don't know what I do behind the scenes and I don't advertise it" he shrugs) and I'm tired of work always cutting into our family time ("It's the job that pays for all our vacations and good times" he reminds me).  So that makes me even madder every time he puts in for a promotion and gets passed over, especially the last few times when it was an unproven newcomer hired from outside the company.  To say that I hope with all my heart that J finally finally finally gets his chance this time, is an understatement.

But the flipside to the promotion is- this is a traveling job.  Full time travel.  Every week, every day.  J would only be home for the weekends, and sometimes- if he has to stay in the same place- he may not even come home on the weekend.  Anyone who reads my blog knows that time with J is already at a minimum and very precious to me.  So how can I be okay with giving up even more of it?  Simple.  I love J.  And I want this for him.  And frankly I have this little devilish side that thinks his current cast of coworkers will simply be screwed if he leaves, because no one there can do what J does.  No one else has the knowledge, the drive, the motivation to do what he does.  Not his boss.  Not the managers J personally handpicked and trained.

This promotion would have J traveling all over the country, to the 60+ other warehouses, helping them out.  He would go wherever he was needed, north or south, east or west.  And J would be excellent at that, he is outstanding at solving problems, overcoming challenges, figuring out new ways of doing things- he actually enjoys it.  And since he's been with the company for almost 20 years, there's nothing about operations that he doesn't know.  But having said that, each warehouse sort of does their own thing, so J is interested in this job because he feels it will be as much of a learning experience for him, and he's ready for something new.  J really needs this, for his sanity, for his soul which is being sucked dry by his current situation.  This new position, he would not be tied down to any single warehouse.  In fact, he wouldn't even have an office anymore, so his current warehouse gang probably wouldn't ever see him again.  Which means on days where he didn't travel he would be at home, if there are ever days he doesn't travel.  (The guy who had the job before finally retired after a LONG time, but he also said he was tired of all the travel to the north during winters.)  Plus, we could live anywhere we want to, as long as J is near an airport. With no "office" to go to, we don't have to live in any specific town or state.

A lot of the talks we've had lately are all the fun "what if" things.  Like, I could sometimes travel with him.  Or we could finally move to Florida.  He would start earning enough points with the airlines and hotels and rental cars we could take free vacations.  Work would be paying for his weekday meals now, cutting down some of our costs.  He would still get his four weeks of vacation every year, his holidays off.  We can put our FaceTime app to good use. We did talk about the negatives, him being away from home.  I told him, the changes are greater for him than for me.  Sure, he won't be home at night, but I'll still be here in my comfort zone- on our old couch watching TV, cuddling with the cats, sleeping in our bed.  He's the one who will be living out of a hotel room week after week. We talked about him sticking to a diet and exercising while he's on the road, and me doing the same when he's not here.  We've pretty much talked it all out. We go through this every time he interviews for a job. Hopefully this time, it will be our reality instead of just talk.

I think it would take time to get used to it, but I will be okay with J traveling.  Knowing that we are almost 50 and this won't be forever.  Knowing that he's not going off to war.  Knowing that it's not for six months straight without seeing him.  Knowing that it's a positive thing, and not something he's forced into doing against his will.  Knowing that there could even be some fringe benefits.  Right now during the week, I get J's company for a few minutes in the morning as we have coffee, and at night he normally doesn't come home until 8pm now.  We eat a hurried dinner, watch a bit of TV, then go to bed at 10pm.  So really, how much time during the week do we have together?  Would I be selfish enough to say eating dinner with him Monday through Thursday night, is more important than him taking a chance on what could be his dream job?  I would never do that.  I haven't even told my parents yet, they will have a total freak out, their "baby girl" home by herself like some helpless chick left alone in the nest.  I am already home alone every day an average of 13 or more hours a day, so it's really not going to be much of a difference.  As a struggling artist, I  am finally learning to appreciate those quiet hours and use them wisely.

I will post more about this as soon as I know something solid.

MISS GEE