I'll get to part two of our big changes in the next post. Today I'm just checking in, I felt like nattering on about nothing in particular. My brain hurts today so I don't think I can pull my thoughts together to post about anything substantial.
It's a routine morning so far. We get up between 5-5:30 every morning, and right now it's already super bright out by then. We have no trees at our new house, not a whisper of shade whatsoever, nothing to block even the slightest sunbeam. I bought black-out shades for the bedroom, but the windows face directly east and the material does little to nothing in the way of keeping the room dark for the mornings. I always make J's breakfast and hot tea while he gets ready for work. He quickly checks emails while he eats, then he's out the door for a long day. I'm alone in the house well before 7am. I usually have decent energy early in the day, then it falters throughout the afternoon until I'm barely functioning by the time J gets home. I'm usually a wilted flower with sadly drooping petals by then. My husband seems to only see me at my worst, when I first drag out of bed, and when I'm trying to hang on in the evenings. I'm thankful he doesn't mind, or at least he's just used to it, and he understands what I go through. He knows that more than likely I had a migraine, or a bout of anxiety that wore me down, or that my hip pain was unbearable that day and I spent a good part of my time on a heating pad. But I do have good moments, I just seem to be alone when they happen. And yes, I can function as an adult every once in a while.
J had some major dental surgery the other day and for three days he had crippling headaches. He never has headaches, so when he says he has one, they are bad. He tells me he doesn't know how I manage with them, he had to stay in bed and sleep. Me, I'm so used to them I just roll along. I've had migraines since I was a teenager, I don't know what life would be like to NOT have them. My good days seem to be up and down, every other day. This past weekend we had a very nice time doing some work around the house. So Monday I was entirely wiped out and had a migraine that kept me down- I slept in late and was back in bed by 7pm that night- in between I simply sat limply in the living room wishing the clock would speed up and the day would be over sooner. Tuesday I felt good so I spent much of the morning running errands and doing some shopping, in an area an hour away that has all the stores I prefer to shop at. The little town we live in now is so small, my only choice for shopping is that big ugly nasty "W" store, and even that is 20 minutes away. But driving that much completely wore me out so that on Wednesday, I was useless and not moving much. Today on Thursday I'm somewhere in between, slightly recovered but not planning to overdo any one thing.
But this morning is typical for me on my better days. I didn't get great sleep last night, but I never do, and I do have a migraine that is getting worse by the hour. I will have to shut the computer down very soon I know. I took my blood sugar this morning- 190 because we had huge bowls of pasta for dinner last night. But it was in the 300's a few weeks ago, and my doctor said 190 is progress. I had my coffee this morning and watched a few minutes of local news- I never watch the national news, I don't want to start my morning off emotional, angry or sad at the world. Some days I catch up on shows waiting patiently on my DVR. Today I did not, I wanted the quiet. Laundry is going, load number one of two, clothes this morning and towels later on. My 30+ year old bread machine is humming along, creating a beautiful warm fragrant loaf of country white- all I had to do was dump stuff in the bucket and push an idiot proof button. It will be a nice compliment for the homemade cheddar broccoli soup we're having for dinner. I have some leftover red quinoa and feta green beans waiting for my lunch. And I have a can of chickpeas sitting out on the kitchen counter, waiting to be seasoned and roasted in the oven for a nice snack. We have several muddy nests of baby swallows around the house, under the eaves, and even inside I can hear the excited chirping and tweeting when mom and dad swoop in for a feeding. Birds make me happy, maybe happier than most things in my life.
We've had two weeks of 100 degree weather with no rain, and the next two weeks is looking much the same. The cats have all been fed and are sleeping in their various hiding places. I've closed all the shades and curtains in the entire house against the blinding sun and heat, so we're in a comfortable dark cave, staying a relatively cool 73 even with the AC not running. Usually outside it's already 80 when we get up. I've taken all my prescriptions and supplements this morning. I had steel cut oatmeal for breakfast, loaded with things like flax seed and hemp hearts and chia seeds and coconut sugar and bee pollen, because I'm trying to eat healthier. My kitchen counter is covered with lovely green bell peppers that I picked from my container garden on the back patio. I don't know why I chose this veggie to grow- yes it's super easy but I hate bell peppers. J likes them, so I'll go ahead and chop them up, put them in the freezer for a quick grab and go addition to stir fries or tacos. I'm making out my grocery list for tomorrow- J's best friend is coming to town and they're having a guys night out at the casino on Saturday, but we're grilling out on Sunday. J has a dental checkup tomorrow afternoon and said he might come home afterwards instead of going back to work. The pest control guy is coming Monday for an inspection and treatment- I'm not letting him in the house though. They can say all they want that the stuff is "safe" for people and pets, but it's not worth bringing it inside. I don't really like them to spray outside the house either- I'm against any toxins and poisons- but J has overrode me on that decision.
In a bit I will go clean all the litter boxes, and change out the pee pads for my old boy who can't quite make it into the box these days. The garbage can is full, so that needs to go out. The dishwasher is full from yesterday- I didn't manage to get it emptied- and the sink is already full of dirties waiting their turn. I loathe the dishwasher, because of my back troubles it's still the number one chore I have the most problems with. Not just leaning over to put items in and out, but also putting the clean dishes away properly. My pots and pans cabinet is the aftermath of an earthquake, I just throw things in there and close the door quickly against the tumbling and clanking. Once the laundry is done, it may take me several days to put it all away. It goes into the clean basket and into the bedroom but sometimes I just "live" out of the basket instead of getting the clean socks and underwear into the dresser drawers. It's another thing that J is used to and doesn't complain about. It honestly makes no difference to him. I just bought another new journal, which I plan to start in July- I just can't start mid-month for some unknown reason- and I have a book where I will start a gratitude list as well. It's all placed neatly on my desk with new pens, waiting. It's been ages since I wrote in a journal, but I always seem to give it another go every so often, hopeful that this time it will stick. And help.
I'm very close to being unpacked from the move, but miles away from actually having things put away and properly organized. I don't have the same spaces as I did at our last house, and trying to put six square pegs into three round holes gets overwhelming, and I haven't been ready yet to get rid of any of my pegs. The stuff we need to carry on our day to day lives is somewhat set up. But the knickknacks are scattered about, no art is on the walls, and my craft supplies are in such shambles I don't know when I will get back to my pottery or art journal or jewelry making. My Etsy shop has been in vacation mode for so long now. Mostly I'm just struggling to get used to the new house and the new town. We've only been here two months. For the first time ever, we have a pool. J goes swimming every single night after dinner and before he sits on the front porch at dusk, having his nightly bourbon, watching the sunset and listening to the earth drift off to sleep. We are W-A-Y out in the country, it gets quiet here. Me? I sit in the house. I can't stand the heat, the humidity, the bugs. I've been in the pool only twice. When we first moved here it was much cooler, still spring, and I would sit outside with him in the evenings, but I've given that up until the temps drop back down to "not from Hell" numbers. I'm much lazier these days. Although I've almost always had issues with back pain and foot pain, for the first time I'm starting to have serious issues with my knees. Not just pain when I walk or use the stairs. But all the time, a deep throbbing and burning even when I'm simply sitting around, or in bed trying to get comfortable for sleep.
So that is still my life, after all these years on the blog. I've lived in different towns since I started writing on here a decade ago, but basically nothing has really changed for me personally, other than where we live. It makes me sad that I'm still the way I am, and getting worse physically. I understand that what takes me all day long to accomplish undoubtedly takes the average housewife- with kids!!- probably an hour or two. When I was in my 30's, I beat myself up about this all the time. Now that I'm well up into my 50's, I pretty much don't give a shit. That is not me, that will never be me. My "best" might be someone else's bare minimum, but I have stopped worrying about that or wishing for better. This is my life, no one ever comes to see me, I'm not on any clock to finish projects, and my hubby is content. I don't know that I really need/want to punch myself in the face anymore because I didn't get my nightstand cleaned off or I didn't water my plants or I didn't cook dinner from scratch. We both eat, we have clean clothes, the cats are comfortable. I will always take care of the grocery shopping and cooking, the laundry, making the bed, feeding the cats. None of us really wants for anything more. My brain just needs to learn to be happy with that and stop reaching for more, stop expecting myself to "grow" at this stage in my life. Sure I might need to clean the toilets more often, but if my lower back is growling at me that day, or the next, or the next- who cares?? Clean toilets just get grungy again in a few days anyhow.
MISS GEE
