Happy- Lonely- Halloween

Well tonight's plans have been cancelled due to work.  Namely, J has to work late tonight, he said maybe as late as 10pm, indirectly due to my namesake hurricane. We had planned to leave work together, go out to dinner, and maybe do some shopping or errands in town (we live way out in the country).  So I just packed it up at 5pm, saw him out in the hallway as I was leaving long enough to say goodbye, and now I'm at home.  Sulking.  I shouldn't be.  Our life frequently gets interrupted by work.  Whether it's 3am phone calls, or J having to go in on a Sunday morning for an emergency.  Sometimes it's even me who has to work late. But I always say, our company pays for our wonderful life, so I don't complain when the shit hits the fan and he has to work extra hours.  Or cancel dinner plans.

I do love Halloween, but J grew up in a family that did not celebrate any holidays. He did Halloween the first year we were married, but we avoid it now.  I secretly miss it, but I compromise because he does Christmas and my birthday up in style. Still, I'd rather be answering the door all night seeing all the cute little ninjas and ballerinas and skateboard punks.  Or whatever kids dress up as these days.  The last time we "did" Halloween was 2006.  Ever since then, we find ways to go off for the evening and not be home.  Our new neighborhood is completely overrun at Halloween, we learned the first year here.  Kids come by the truck load, even on hayrides.  It's a safe neighborhood, 25mph throughout, streetlights, and all the roads end in a cul-de-sac, so no zooming traffic.

I wore my kitty ears to work today, that's been my old standby for awhile now. They do let us dress up in the office, but I was the only one in my department to even slightly appear to recognize the holiday.  I work with a bunch of old ladies for the most part, and none of them are fun.  People don't believe I'm 46, because most of the time I act so silly, but I don't want to be one of those frumpy old middle-aged women with the bad perm and frosted severely short hair, and the pull-up polyester granny pants from Wal-Mart.  Okay, maybe that was mean, but it's how I feel.  I work with ladies who are probably only 5 years older, but you'd think they were 70.  That's not going to be me, I'll go down swinging at old age.

I don't know what I'll do tonight.  I can't sit in the living room and watch TV because anyone at the front door will see me, and I have no chocolate to hand out.  I will keep the porch light off, and no lights on anywhere inside, so hopefully the house will look depressing and uninviting.   I have a few options.  I can go work on pottery upstairs.  I can go sit in the basement and watch TV or read.  Or I can stay in the bedroom and do the same.  Whatever I do and wherever I go, I will have all the kitties with me.  They follow me around the house like I have sardines or dead mice in my pockets.  The doorbell sends them all off on a frightened hunt for a hiding place, so if we're lucky the dark house will keep the costumed youngsters at bay.

Sigh.  I miss my hubby.  But Happy Halloween to the rest of you who are celebrating tonight!

MISS GEE

Strained

I've been wanting to post lately, but I'm going through one of my "down" spells. There are times in my life, that last a few weeks at a time, where it feels like everything goes wrong, everything hurts, everyone is out to get me, and life is just one overwhelming struggle.  My anxiety levels stay elevated, I get migraines, and I don't even take the time/effort to enjoy pleasurable pursuits like reading or making pottery.  I am SO lucky that I have a husband who never gets down, and who recognizes and accepts the fact that on some days- for no reason whatsoever- I just feel like a heavy weight is holding me down and I can't get out from under it. He loves me even on those days, but I can see it makes him sad too, and frustrated, because he feels powerless that he can't help me. Or, as J puts it, he is sorry he can't "make" me happy.

I am trying to shake it off, to start the new week off on the right note.  It's fall here now, the good kind of fall where you can wear your big fuzzy slippers and have a fire in the evenings, and the kitties swarm the bed to cuddle and keep you warm at night, and the dark-eyed juncos return to the feeders in the back yard.  I love fall and winter, I always feel reenergized and it's normally the happiest time of the year for me.  Not even because of the holidays, but because of the weather and the landscape and the cold fresh air.  I'm in the south, but I'm far enough north that it does get cold here, and freezes, and every year we have a few days of snow later on in the winter.  I love it!  This is the first week of real cold, so I'm hopeful that my moods will turn as well.  I even worked out in my flower beds today when I got home from work, and I haven't been out to tend my yard in probably two months or more.  It gave me a sense of accomplishment that I haven't had in awhile.

My in-laws came to visit last week, and believe it or not I adore them.  No mother-in-law jokes at my house.  They are wonderful people who raised an amazing son, who I was lucky enough to somehow woo and charm into my life nine years ago.  I always say when I married W, I married someone just like my mother- critical, negative, judgmental, and always has to be right to the point of arguing.  When I married J, I married a man just like my daddy- supportive, kind, patient, warm, loving, hard-working.  Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough to be with him, that he's on a much higher level than I am.  But then he will look at me and tell me, he's a better man for having me in his life.  And I know he means it from his heart.

J is going through some things himself right now, work things that, at the end of the day even though he tries not to bring it home, he does.  It's hard, since we both work at the same company.  When we sit down at the dinner table to discuss our day, we are talking about each other's co-workers, each other's business. But J is strong, he rarely lets the trials and strife of the day get to him, and he's always happy to get home to me and the kitties and our real life.  Even on days when I am too tired to make dinner.  Even on days when I am mopey.  Even on days when I'm sitting on the couch on a heating pad by the time he gets here. No matter what MY day and MY mood is, I can always count on J to come home to me and be glad about it.

MISS GEE

Grudges

Today was one of my mad at the world days.  I have them sometimes.  Okay, often. I just wake up pissed off and go to bed pissed off, and the rest of the day I am just pissed off!  At absolutely every little thing.  Not sure where all that anger comes from, but on the days when I'm just super ticked, I start dwelling on my ex-husband W.

Mind you, I haven't even seen W since spring of 2005.  But damn it, I'm still mad at the man, for the 13 years of my life I wasted with him (and yes, I'm mad at myself for it too!).  He only did two things right- made us move away to R, which is where I met J.  And he got me a puppy our first Christmas together- my boy passed away the year we were separated.  I don't like to think about my Lab too much, because I still get sad.  He came to us as we started our life together, and he left us as that life together ended.  Fate is wicked and cruel sometimes.

W was a jackass, and apparently everyone- girlfriends and family- knew it but never told me.  I had to learn the hard way, over the years.  Everyone else hated him the minute they met him, and even worse, made fun of him behind my back. Now I look at that time and say, yep, he was a complete jerk and frankly, I'm not sure if I ever even loved him at all.  Now that I'm with J, I know what real love is like. And what I had with W, was off by a country mile.

W was a great guy when I met him in our early 20's, or so I thought.  I think I was just too immature to see the big picture.  I thought he was ambitious, going places, smart, a hard worker, sweet.  I thought I had hit the jackpot, he was husband material and would be my partner and take care of me/us.  Turns out he was just a drug addict who screwed up his life and tried to take me down with him, and at the end decided it was okay to be abusive, unemployed, and high all the time.  That was what HE wanted out of life.

I don't know how other people are, but I have a perverse obsession about what he is doing now, and mostly I just fantasize about his downfall and wish him misery.  I know, that is bad karma, but I don't care.

Every once in awhile I will Google his name, to see what turns up. Unfortunately, our names are still linked together in a lot of places- his name shows up on my grandmother's online obituary which makes my skin crawl.  If you Google his name, it also brings up my old married name, which equally creeps me out.  I will forever be listed as his spouse out there in cyberspace.  I keep hoping I will run across his mug shot, but it looks like he has (possibly) straightened out his life and is running his own business, back in the town where we used to live.

I know I'll blog a lot more about him, because I think a lot of the issues that I have now at almost 46, are due to all the crap I went through with him at 26.  And I can't seem to get over it or let it go.  Not sure why.

MISS GEE

Real Love Part Two

JUST ONE WORD- ROTTEN!!!

MISS GEE

Miss You

Vacation is TRULY over now, because I crawled back to work today in the pouring rain to find not only my co-worker out, but my supervisor D out as well. Leaving me all alone to try and catch up on my emails and work from last week, and to also try to do their work today too.  It was a 10 hour day, which is typical. My supervisor just irritated the hell out of me by sending me stupid emails from home all day.  Do this, do that, call so-and-so.  I wanted to email back and say, you bitch you called out today, stay off your computer and leave me the fuck alone!  At least I muttered that to myself for most of the day.

I had to say goodbye to J today too, as he was flying off to the corporate offices in Chicago for the week, for meetings.  He was not too excited about it, but luckily he doesn't have to go out of town too much for work.  Maybe a few weeks out of the year.  Me, I don't get to travel at all, not even down the street to pick up doughnuts for the office.

I always joke with J that wow, I'm glad he's gone, it gives me a break.  But I do it to try and lighten the mood because we both know that, when I'm not around him, I am usually very deep in a black hole.  Partly because I just love him so damn much, I can't stand to be without him.  But partly too because when he's not with me, I realize how meaningless and empty my life is.  I tell him all the time, he is the reason I get out of bed every morning, without him I wouldn't want to even wake up at all.  Sometimes he thinks I'm just being melodramatic, but most of the time he understands that I mean it.  I've never thought of myself as being suicidal, but there's really no other way to take that.

J and I have a healthy relationship, a good balance of being together and apart.  He has stuff he wants to do with the guys- football games, golfing- and I never make a fuss about it.  He still always asks first- honey, do you mind if Dave and I go play poker Saturday night?  And I'm so very appreciative that he respects me enough to do so.  My standard answer is always, I don't mind one bit.  Truth be told, I don't mind if he goes off for a whole Sunday afternoon without me.  In theory.  Most of the time I'm okay.  But there are some days that I get super down, lonely, anxious- even when I know he'll be back in a few hours.

I don't know what triggers those feelings.  I do like to spend quiet time alone, to read or paint, or even goof off on the computer.  I hate sleeping alone though. And I don't sleep well when J isn't here.  I am slightly afraid of the dark, so once the sun goes down and J is not home, I won't sit in the living room alone, or even work in the home office.  I usually slink off to the bedroom with the curtains closed, and the bedroom door shut (okay, I have to crack it a few inches for the cats to come in and out).  When J is here, I'm comfortable everywhere in the house.  When he's not, I feel vulnerable and lonely and scared.

I know he'll call me tonight, and we'll talk for a few minutes, just to check in and make sure I got home from work safely and he got to his hotel okay.  Then I'll take something to make me sleep and watch TV late enough to exhaust me into a coma that not even the smallest sound will wake me from.  It's the only way I can get through those nights without my husband at home.

MISS GEE

Back Home Again

Back from California and I have to confess, it was not the greatest vacation of all time the way I had expected it to be.  I've always said I want to live in California, and I figured this visit would confirm that desire.  It didn't, at all.  California has just always seemed cooler and hipper, healthier, richer, more artsy and creative.  Or maybe I picked California as my dream world because it's the farthest I can get away from my real life on the East Coast.

It was a wonderful trip and we had a fantastic time together, but it just didn't blow my socks off like I thought it would.  This was my third visit to the West Coast, all of them with J, and maybe an entire week out there was just too much.  We did a lot, visited LA and San Diego, the mountains and the beaches.  Did the tourist traps, shopping, eating, driving, casinos, museums, sitting and staring at the water.  The rest of it was just wearing ourselves out and rushing around in traffic trying to get from one place to another, much like we do at home.

The relaxing at the beach was probably the highlight for both of us.  Maybe it's just me, I was born on the Gulf Shores on a beach town, and lived there until I was 30. Life on the shores is just in my blood.  J loves it too, although he was raised on a working farm closer to mountains than water.  It's his desire to retire to the beach, and he always tells me he's "not" on vacation yet until he sees the water.

While we were there I realized that, no matter where you are, it's all the same. Really.  I had expected this trip to California to enlighten me and lift my spirits, when in reality I saw the same things out there as I do at home- lines in the fast food drive-thru, Wal-Mart, crazy drivers on the interstate, stray animals, trash blowing down streets, people texting while they walk down the sidewalks, run down neighborhoods.  The same TV shows, the same stores, the same chain restaurants. I saw a lot of natural beauty out there, plants and birds we don't have back on the East Coast.  Yet the sameness outweighed the differences.  In fact, the photo on this post was taken in California, the photo under my "About Me" title was taken in my home town in Florida.  Not much difference is there?

Not long ago, someone asked me what my perfect life would be.  I said, spending my days strolling along the beach, doing yoga, walking around the farmers market, making pottery or painting in my home studio, relaxing on a back deck reading a paperback.  In California.  Yes, I really said I felt like I needed to be in California to live that perfect laid back lifestyle I had envisioned.  But the truth is, I can do all of that anywhere.  Well, maybe not the beach part, where I live now I'm hours and hours away from the nearest sandy shoreline.  But the rest of it, I can do right here, right now.  Yet I don't, and why is that?

If I lived in California, I would still have to go to work every day, I'd still have to do laundry and pull weeds in my garden, I'd still have to vacuum and mop and clean litter boxes, I'd still drink too much caffeine and eat too many carbs.  Living in California- or anywhere else- would not automatically make me eat right and exercise, or finish writing my novel, or be a better person and wife.  I'd still be fat and old and tired and grumpy, and more than likely, still depressed and negative.

Yes I work full time, but that is really no excuse.  When it comes to my life away from the office, I am such a poor time manager, and my days and weeks slip by without me accomplishing a single thing on my "to do" lists.  I have a back deck here- it faces the woods and not the ocean, but I can relax out there in the evenings with a good book.  And I have a home studio already, the bonus room upstairs that J has allowed me to take over with all my paints and glazes and stamps and fabrics, why am I not up there right now creating something for my Etsy shop, which is empty?  We have plenty of farmers markets right here, maybe not as cool as the big one in LA we went to, but I'm not even taking advantage of the ones in my own town now.  And yoga?  I have a mat, stretch pants, and a DVD player- but am I doing my sun salutations every day?  No.

So I came to the realization that, even if I lived in California, I would still be the same me.  If I'm not living my life right now to the fullest today, this week, this year- what difference would the change of scenery make?  It's ME that has to change, not the state I live in.

MISS GEE

Anticipation

My misery factor is fairly low this week.  Things have been better, my head has been clearer.  I've made a few really awesome pieces of pottery that didn't explode in the kiln.  My boss has been either coming in super late or leaving super early this week, which is like a big weight off my shoulders to not have D there.  J decided to NOT apply for the promotion which would mean us packing up and moving and starting over again.  They are hiring a new person for our department to help with the overwhelming workload.  And vacation is 48 hours away.

It's probably the vacation that is making me so happy this week, my mind has already headed out to the West Coast, but it's leaving my fat body behind so it can enjoy some sunny California time without me embarrassing it.  Friday night the rest of me will be out in California as well, with my best friend and Super Husband J at my side.  I admit, in the "I'm spoiled" department, vacations top the list.  Yes we've been to California before, but not for an entire week like this upcoming visit.  (And maybe one sneaky afternoon south of the border.)

One of the joys of being childless, is being selfish with vacations!  We make reservations, call Miss Jane our cat sitter, stop the mail and newspaper, and we're off to wherever we want to go.  This summer we went to Walt Disney because WE wanted to, not because we had to.  And we had a blast, just the two of us. We both have high stress, demanding jobs and at least for me, vacations are the only way I can truly get away from it.  J will still have to work, on his Crackberry and his laptop.  But he's over 2100 miles away so it's not like he'll have to haul his butt into the office on a Saturday, like when we're trying to relax at home and he gets "a call"...

Me, I'm hourly, so no working off the clock.  But, I will come back in that following Monday morning to at least 600 emails.  No, that's not an overly dramatic statement, that's a factual number of emails that usually greet me when I return from being out a week.  My supervisor might have to handle 50 of them, if I'm lucky.  It's a small price to pay, to play on the beaches in Cali-forn-i-a.  And not think about work for a whole week!

MISS GEE

Worth How Many Words?

Okay, my blog is way too boring without any decorations or photos!  I'm going to have to change that.  I can still be anonymous and creative at the same time! No one that I know will ever be on here, I've made sure even J can't track this down.  (And if he did, he wouldn't care, there is nothing on here that he doesn't know about.)

I am sorta new to the digital camera, I've only had one since J bought me my first one when we were dating (a small cheap one, but I love it and still have it) and two years ago at Christmas he bought my AWESOME Canon EOS Rebel T2i which kicks ass- and takes great photos of that ass at the same time.  Anyhow.

I think I've taken a few thousand photos already over the last few years, and every day I find a reason to take more.  Some don't make sense to anyone but me, and that's okay!  So, even if I don't blog every day about my great life but sucky attitude, I can post photos to let everyone know I'm still alive!  And on most days, I do give a damn.

Gotta change this font too, maybe it's just my old eyes, but I am having trouble reading this....

MISS GEE