Miss You

Vacation is TRULY over now, because I crawled back to work today in the pouring rain to find not only my co-worker out, but my supervisor D out as well. Leaving me all alone to try and catch up on my emails and work from last week, and to also try to do their work today too.  It was a 10 hour day, which is typical. My supervisor just irritated the hell out of me by sending me stupid emails from home all day.  Do this, do that, call so-and-so.  I wanted to email back and say, you bitch you called out today, stay off your computer and leave me the fuck alone!  At least I muttered that to myself for most of the day.

I had to say goodbye to J today too, as he was flying off to the corporate offices in Chicago for the week, for meetings.  He was not too excited about it, but luckily he doesn't have to go out of town too much for work.  Maybe a few weeks out of the year.  Me, I don't get to travel at all, not even down the street to pick up doughnuts for the office.

I always joke with J that wow, I'm glad he's gone, it gives me a break.  But I do it to try and lighten the mood because we both know that, when I'm not around him, I am usually very deep in a black hole.  Partly because I just love him so damn much, I can't stand to be without him.  But partly too because when he's not with me, I realize how meaningless and empty my life is.  I tell him all the time, he is the reason I get out of bed every morning, without him I wouldn't want to even wake up at all.  Sometimes he thinks I'm just being melodramatic, but most of the time he understands that I mean it.  I've never thought of myself as being suicidal, but there's really no other way to take that.

J and I have a healthy relationship, a good balance of being together and apart.  He has stuff he wants to do with the guys- football games, golfing- and I never make a fuss about it.  He still always asks first- honey, do you mind if Dave and I go play poker Saturday night?  And I'm so very appreciative that he respects me enough to do so.  My standard answer is always, I don't mind one bit.  Truth be told, I don't mind if he goes off for a whole Sunday afternoon without me.  In theory.  Most of the time I'm okay.  But there are some days that I get super down, lonely, anxious- even when I know he'll be back in a few hours.

I don't know what triggers those feelings.  I do like to spend quiet time alone, to read or paint, or even goof off on the computer.  I hate sleeping alone though. And I don't sleep well when J isn't here.  I am slightly afraid of the dark, so once the sun goes down and J is not home, I won't sit in the living room alone, or even work in the home office.  I usually slink off to the bedroom with the curtains closed, and the bedroom door shut (okay, I have to crack it a few inches for the cats to come in and out).  When J is here, I'm comfortable everywhere in the house.  When he's not, I feel vulnerable and lonely and scared.

I know he'll call me tonight, and we'll talk for a few minutes, just to check in and make sure I got home from work safely and he got to his hotel okay.  Then I'll take something to make me sleep and watch TV late enough to exhaust me into a coma that not even the smallest sound will wake me from.  It's the only way I can get through those nights without my husband at home.

MISS GEE