Left Behind

It seems as though the main trigger for my current state of unhappiness, was moving in 2008.  We moved to a new town, a new state, and a new job (within the same company).  It was a decision that J and I made together, because it was a promotion for him.  But I left behind great friends, a job I loved, a fantastic community, and my new side business.  I gave it all up without any hesitation, for my husband, because I love him so much that nothing else matters.  Or so I thought.

I thought that loving my husband was enough to carry me through anything in life, and on most days it is.  But the rest of the time, it’s not enough to overcome how much I hate my job and my new boss, and how much I miss my friends and the town we had to say goodbye to.  And on days where my mask slips and J sees how lonely and sad I am, he starts to shoulder the blame because I traded my old life in for his chance to move up the corporate ladder.  Then I end up just feeling worse and I try harder to keep it all tucked away inside, so J doesn’t feel regret when I can’t even muster a smile for him.  The cycle eats away at me.  It wears me down to always appear so upbeat.

J and I work for the same company, it’s how we met.  He’s been with U for 16 years, and it’s been 11 years for me.  I’ve always loved working here until recently.  When I started here at my new office, there was that adjustment period of getting to know my new coworkers and new duties, but at the same time it was comforting because it was the same company I’d always been at, just a different branch.  But this division is very different than the one I spent 8 years at- before, we were like a close family and came into work every day with laughter and we were truly glad to be there.  My coworkers and I ate lunch together, had potlucks in our break room, celebrated birthdays, put up Christmas trees that we all decorated together, met for dinners at night and brunches or coffee on the weekends.

This new division is all business and nothing but- and the atmosphere is super cold and has gotten even worse with the new investment company that bought us, and with recent layoffs.  The numbers matter, not the people.  I’ve been here 3 years now, and have not made one friend, nor do I care to.  I can barely tolerate my coworkers, we don’t even speak to each other.  Everyone hates it here, everyone is miserable, everyone keeps their head down and runs out the door at 5pm without even taking a glance back.  I was not used to that.

But, there's a lot of posts in the future about the job.

I am at that point where I have to decide, stay or go?  It just adds to my stress, which adds to my misery.

MISS GEE

Day One, Again

I am an unhappy, negative person and I don’t know why.  I have a normal life that many people might even envy.  I have an extremely generous, loving, caring, patient husband J who adores me and treats me like a princess.  I have a job that pays well and even though it’s stressful to me and I work hard, it’s stable and has great benefits, and I’ve already managed to survive several layoffs.  We are both employed and make good salaries and have a comfortable existence.  I live in a wonderful new house in a clean, peaceful, wooded community.  We have three vehicles, two of which are paid off.  My parents are still alive and happily married and healthy- and so are my in-laws.  I am fortunate enough to have gone to college and received a degree.  We have money in the bank and in our 401K’s, stocks, and manageable debt.  There is not much in my life that I’m lacking, and if I were, I could probably make it happen.

What I am lacking, that money can’t buy, is an explanation for the emptiness inside of me, a deep sadness that no matter what else is going on in my life that is positive, I am always down and out in my head and in my heart.  The first assumption is that I suffer from depression, although I’d be one of those millions on the TV commercials who has never been diagnosed.  I'm not sure if it's crossed wires in my brain or not, but something is wrong with me and the sunny days are passing me by, while I remain in my dark pit.

I am hoping that I can use this blog to lay it all out in the open so I can dissect it all- my thoughts, my fears, my anger, my high points and low places, my issues, and even my dreams for the future.  I'm in my late 40's, if I don't get my shit together soon, then WHEN??

MISS GEE