Filling Negative Spaces

Well I'm back to my old stuck self this week.  I am feeling lost, and once again stumbling.  I don't want this to be my permanent modus operandi, but the wheels are spinning uselessly.

I think more than anything, I'm trying to get over the idea that I HAVE to be doing something at all waking hours of the day, for my life to have any meaning.  I just really have trouble with that concept, and letting it go.  Sure there are things I want to do, and goals I want to accomplish, but if I don't spend 14 hours a day working towards those things, am I a failure?

My head says yes, my heart says no.

More than ever, with J not coming home every night, I am putting pressure on myself.  You should see my dining room table right now.  It's covered.  Not just with one project, but three, and I'm multi-tasking so much that I am actually hating each thing that should instead be bringing me joy.  I have frustrated myself. I am trying to do so many things, that I'm not accomplishing anything at all.

Perhaps the biggest frustration is that I'm forcing myself to do things, not taking the time each project deserves.  I actually tore up some of my art today, because I was disgusted with the outcome.  What did I expect?  I was working on watercolors at the kitchen counter at the same time I was making my lunch. Seriously. What the hell was that all about?  No one can create a masterpiece with one hand on the paintbrush, the other hand holding a dish towel.  I've got to realize that I have the rest of my life to create just ONE masterpiece, and if that's all I ever do, then so be it.

Why am I in such a rush?  I am not on any timetable, I am the maker- and keeper- of my own schedule.  And do I really even need a schedule?  Why?  I have plenty of time, in fact that's pretty much all I have these days.  Why does every minute need to be crammed with an activity?

When I start to feel guilty in the mornings because I spend the first hour or two watching TV and having coffee, let it go!!  No one on this planet knows what the hell I'm doing at any given moment, unless I am posting it on social media.  No one knows or cares if I'm still in my pajamas at 10am, so let it go!  When J calls me from the road, he doesn't ask for a rundown of my day.  He asks how I am, did I have a nice day, how am I feeling.  If I tell him I'm having a wonderful day- and all I've done is sit in my bedroom chair and read- he does NOT care that's all I did for the afternoon.  I shouldn't care either.

Sure I'm like everyone else, I have certain commitments I have to attend to.  But I don't have to complete a gigantic to-do list every day to feel alive, to feel important.  I am already important- to myself, my husband, my friends, my family, my pets.  Even if all I ever did for the rest of my life, was spend every afternoon reading some old paperback, there is nothing wrong with that.

My anxiety levels have been high this week.  I have put pressure on myself to accomplish certain things.  No one else cares about the things on my list this week, but for some reason there is this little voice in my head telling me I'm a worthless sack of shit if I don't get them done.  Oh I will take care of the housewife duties like laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning.  And when J comes back on Friday he will be glad to see me, glad to be home, glad to eat whatever meal I cook him.  But the other duties I've dreamed up for myself- as an artist or writer or gardener or organizer or weight watcher or whatever- I've got to realize I can't be all those people and do all those things at one time, in one day.

I have to pick one task per week.  Yes, I said week.  Bouncing around from multiple projects hour to hour, day to day, has been ridiculous and has almost obliterated my muse, my creativity.  When the more pleasurable pursuits become too much like work, then what's the point?  I need to have one work area, and only the tools for that one project out for that week.  Right now I've got crap scattered all over.  I'm trying to paint and to journal and to work on my old manuscript, while trying to list new things on Etsy and organize my old magazines and work on my tan.

No one can be all things at all times.  I've got to slow down, to understand that life is not a race.  And even if it was, I've got more free time on my hands than anyone else I know.  If I want to spend those hours watching cooking shows all day, WHO CARES!  Relax.  Breathe deep.  Sit and be quiet.  And throw that damn to-do list away!

But I know how my screwed up brain works.  If I slow down this week, next week I will be on here whining about how lazy I've become...

MISS GEE

Empty Nest

I wanted to wait a bit of being home alone before I posted.  The first two weeks of my empty nest have been busy for me and the days flew by and J was home before I knew it.  This week, I have a few appointments to attend, but nothing big really on the books and it will be a truer version of "this is my life now".  I know I am going to have my blue moments, just like I always do, and it doesn't have anything to do with whether or not my husband is out of town.  They are going to happen.

And although I will miss my husband and my empty bed, I refuse to get bogged down in the negatives and the dark thoughts.  I will concentrate on all the positives this new job will bring- for J as a leader and a man who was ready for the change, and for us as a couple trying to build the foundation of our retirement.  Despite all my bad days, I have always supported J.  I know J misses being home, and I miss J being here.  But there really is no reason to be "sad", so I won't focus on that.  If I had asked him to not put in for that promotion, because I didn't want him to be gone, he would have never considered it.  But we're a team, it's not always about me.  What's good for J is good for me as well.

J's first travel assignment is in Wisconsin.  He has to work the night shift, and more than likely he'll have to go back there for the next 3 or more weeks.  Things are in a state of flux at that particular warehouse, with comings and goings, a brand new manager and another one about to be hired.  J is there to help guide the team and fill in for the missing members. Working night shift has meant leaving on Sunday morning and coming home Friday afternoon.  Makes for a short weekend for us, but that will be okay.  I told him it reminds me of the two plus years we dated before we got married.  Although we worked together, we didn't have time to see each other during the week.  We only spent from Friday evenings until Sunday afternoons together.  We survived it back then.

Of course, we still have a dark shadow hanging over us.  Awhile back I posted about another company buying us out.  That has yet to happen.  In fact, it's moving through the federal court system right now as to whether or not it's going to happen because the FTC is trying to block it.  J took this new corporate job knowing that, should the buyout happen, he could potentially have a much larger target on his back.  But everyone he talked to said the merger was unlikely to proceed at this point, and we are still crossing our fingers on that, awaiting word.  Not to say that J would absolutely lose his job, but we all know with corporate America when two mega-companies combine forces, they lay people off faster than a bolt of lightning.  Corporate jobs would likely be the first to go, and we're the smaller of the two companies so the bloodletting would come from our side.  Hopefully the deal will get squashed- for once I'm FOR the federal government butting into business! But J said he had to take this chance, this opportunity may never present itself again.  I don't think he regrets it. Having said that, I do believe he will be nervous and on edge until the final word from the court is handed down, and as I type this, the judge is making his decision.

I know it's going to be a lot for both of us to get used to.  But I know we both will.  And I know as long as I can stay busy with things that I enjoy, especially in the evening, I will continue to treat this new phase of our life together as a positive.  I might sound like a tired lazy lump on many of my posts, but I really do have so many things I want to work on, things I want to accomplish in my personal life.  I feel as though, with my 50th birthday approaching next year, it's a bit now or never for me at this point.  I don't have a career, I don't have children, it's just me here.  No one and nothing can stop me, unless it's ME getting in my own way.  I know sometimes, when the change is so huge and so overwhelming, it seems like it's indigestible.   But I know I just have to step back and take it in its entirety, to see the "big picture", and know that overall this is will lead us to an amazing future.

I will post again soon.

MISS GEE