I think more than anything, I'm trying to get over the idea that I HAVE to be doing something at all waking hours of the day, for my life to have any meaning. I just really have trouble with that concept, and letting it go. Sure there are things I want to do, and goals I want to accomplish, but if I don't spend 14 hours a day working towards those things, am I a failure?
My head says yes, my heart says no.
More than ever, with J not coming home every night, I am putting pressure on myself. You should see my dining room table right now. It's covered. Not just with one project, but three, and I'm multi-tasking so much that I am actually hating each thing that should instead be bringing me joy. I have frustrated myself. I am trying to do so many things, that I'm not accomplishing anything at all.
Perhaps the biggest frustration is that I'm forcing myself to do things, not taking the time each project deserves. I actually tore up some of my art today, because I was disgusted with the outcome. What did I expect? I was working on watercolors at the kitchen counter at the same time I was making my lunch. Seriously. What the hell was that all about? No one can create a masterpiece with one hand on the paintbrush, the other hand holding a dish towel. I've got to realize that I have the rest of my life to create just ONE masterpiece, and if that's all I ever do, then so be it.
Why am I in such a rush? I am not on any timetable, I am the maker- and keeper- of my own schedule. And do I really even need a schedule? Why? I have plenty of time, in fact that's pretty much all I have these days. Why does every minute need to be crammed with an activity?
When I start to feel guilty in the mornings because I spend the first hour or two watching TV and having coffee, let it go!! No one on this planet knows what the hell I'm doing at any given moment, unless I am posting it on social media. No one knows or cares if I'm still in my pajamas at 10am, so let it go! When J calls me from the road, he doesn't ask for a rundown of my day. He asks how I am, did I have a nice day, how am I feeling. If I tell him I'm having a wonderful day- and all I've done is sit in my bedroom chair and read- he does NOT care that's all I did for the afternoon. I shouldn't care either.
Sure I'm like everyone else, I have certain commitments I have to attend to. But I don't have to complete a gigantic to-do list every day to feel alive, to feel important. I am already important- to myself, my husband, my friends, my family, my pets. Even if all I ever did for the rest of my life, was spend every afternoon reading some old paperback, there is nothing wrong with that.
My anxiety levels have been high this week. I have put pressure on myself to accomplish certain things. No one else cares about the things on my list this week, but for some reason there is this little voice in my head telling me I'm a worthless sack of shit if I don't get them done. Oh I will take care of the housewife duties like laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning. And when J comes back on Friday he will be glad to see me, glad to be home, glad to eat whatever meal I cook him. But the other duties I've dreamed up for myself- as an artist or writer or gardener or organizer or weight watcher or whatever- I've got to realize I can't be all those people and do all those things at one time, in one day.
I have to pick one task per week. Yes, I said week. Bouncing around from multiple projects hour to hour, day to day, has been ridiculous and has almost obliterated my muse, my creativity. When the more pleasurable pursuits become too much like work, then what's the point? I need to have one work area, and only the tools for that one project out for that week. Right now I've got crap scattered all over. I'm trying to paint and to journal and to work on my old manuscript, while trying to list new things on Etsy and organize my old magazines and work on my tan.
No one can be all things at all times. I've got to slow down, to understand that life is not a race. And even if it was, I've got more free time on my hands than anyone else I know. If I want to spend those hours watching cooking shows all day, WHO CARES! Relax. Breathe deep. Sit and be quiet. And throw that damn to-do list away!
But I know how my screwed up brain works. If I slow down this week, next week I will be on here whining about how lazy I've become...
MISS GEE
It was so weird reading this and realizing how I am dealing with the same stuff! I always set up so many things and then get so down and feel so guilty when I don't get them done. I am realizing that it is a way for me to hate myself, and that isn't ok. I am working on so many emotional things, am still getting over jet lag, etc, but I still feel like I am sucking at life because I've been in pjs watching tv most of the day.
ReplyDeleteGive yourself more credit, we both need to. :)
love, C