J's boss recognized that for the last seven weeks, he's worked six days a week and has only been home one day a week. So he let J have off this last Monday and this coming Friday. We were able to have a nice long weekend, where I was hoping we could relax and reconnect. But he wanted to go drive the 250 miles to visit his family. Normally I am okay with that, but for some reason I didn't really want to go this time. I adore his family, even with all their ordinary human flaws. Yet my head was in that bad space this visit. Things annoyed me more than usual, and while I always keep my comments to myself, this weekend I pointed things out to J that bothered me about his sisters, his parents. I was even slightly rude to his mother, although she deserved it for making some disgusting homophobic remarks. Not that J disagrees with me, but it's one thing for your husband to complain about his own family. It's an entirely different animal when I do it. J didn't seem to really notice my comments or attitude. He could just tell I was in an ill mood and out of sorts. I apologized and just chalked it up to being tired, easy enough for him to understand because he was tired as well. It's a long drive just for a short visit.
I had the stirrings of a migraine start on Sunday, then Monday I was at that stage where, if it got any worse I was going to be bedridden. But it stopped just short of that level of pain. Even so, I still had to ask to have lamps turned off and voices lowered. Perhaps that is why my tolerance of everyone and everything is so very low right now. I've even been irritated with my beloved cats, yelling at one for his constant meowing and pushing another one away when he kept jumping up in my lap. You know it's a shitty day when you get mad at your sweet kitties for showing you affection. Instead I simply felt smothered and overcome.
I'm glad I have a short "alone" week, with J only being gone for three days. After that, it will be a few more weeks of him traveling Sunday through Friday. I decided that for this week, I'm taking a break from trying to be the perfect housewife. I spend every Friday cleaning the house from top to bottom and planning an extra special meal for J's return. He certainly doesn't request or even expect that, but I keep trying. This week I said screw it, I'm not even sure I will be up to vacuuming. This weekend we have to go see his aunt and uncle who live about two hours away. They ask us all the time to come and see them, and since he has Friday off we decided to go. Being around them is not quite as stressful as being around his parents.
I've been trying to find distractions to get me outside of my head this week, but nothing is working. Even pleasant tasks like reading or loading my kiln, have me desperately trying to find my breath, trying to settle my thoughts. I am simply finding it difficult to focus on anything, to be present in the specific moment at hand. I can't sit still or find peace. I bounce my knee, I repeatedly sigh, I close my eyes to shut out the world for just a second. I concentrate on the negative, not even seeing any of the positive.
When I'm home alone, I sometimes wish I had friends or family up the street I could spend time with. When I have to be around people, I sometimes can't wait until I am all by myself again. I miss J when he leaves. I feel relief when he leaves. I don't know. Maybe I'm really just pissed off with myself, because I can't seem to get a handle on my stupid life.
I know I should be trying to figure out where the anger comes from, but this week it has me beat down, and I'm instead just burying my head in the sand waiting for it to subside. Alas, I know it will return without warning soon. Maybe I'll work on the issue the next time around. This week, I just don't give a damn.
MISS GEE
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