Closing Out 2013

Probably my last post for 2013.  My year is ending on a downer, it is spiraling and I can't seem to slow the ride.  Not in a horrible way, just my depression eating away at me a little more than normal.  I feel better, but I don't feel "right".  Not as right as I want to feel.  It's just everything I suppose- the weather, the season, staying at home, family, friends, this town.  Everything.  I'm amazed at how easily I get overwhelmed, by nothing.

I came across an old journal the other day, one from about two years ago.  I found so many entries about hate and anger, even a few written on my worst days. There were entries detailing how I looked online about committing suicide with Tylenol PM.  There were entries about wanting to drive my car off a bridge the next time I went out.  Too many entries about how much I hated myself.

I haven't had days that bad lately, but I am feeling the walls of the pit caving in on me.  I haven't found the will or energy to climb up out of it these last few weeks.  The tears come for no reason, at the most unexpected moments of the day, and my heart hurts.  I'm looking forward to a few positive changes coming at me, to kick off 2014.  I have plans.  I will make them work out.  I will make my life work out.

2013 wasn't a bad year, things have improved.  Just not as fast or as much as I had hoped.  I am impatient.  J is my rock and my light, as always, but he can only do so much to fix me internally.

I'll be back soon.  Just no words for right now.  There's a happy ending out there for me somewhere.  I'm still searching.

Whichever holiday you celebrate, I hope you have a wonderful one.  I will do my best to do the same.

Love- MISS GEE