Despite having a lot of happy moments and fun experiences over the last few weeks, I find myself still floundering and desperately trying to find my way back on track with my days. I am coming to the conclusion, I think, that after all the moaning and groaning on here, there really is nothing wrong with my life or with me. I am normal. My life is completely normal. There is nothing to fix. Everyone goes through this journey of endless rolling hills and deep chasms. That in the end, this really is how life was meant to be.
I don't know if I'm happy or sad with this realization. Perhaps I thought I was special, with my self-inflicted misery and moodiness. Perhaps I thought I was supposed to achieve bigger and better things before my final days on earth, and I was simply a failure. I have contemplated the meaning of my reality for so long now, I had convinced myself that there had to be a larger purpose, one I couldn't figure out. I thought if I could, that would be the secret to my happiness.
I guess lately I have paid more attention to others instead of just what's going on in my own head. I'm seeing that, maybe not to the extreme that I feel it, but absolutely everyone has a bout of blues now and then. Everyone has doubts, everyone gets pissed off about things, everyone wants to just lay down and say "I quit!" every so often. I suppose I always knew that rationally, but I think it made me feel better, made me feel like a rare marvel that I was the only one who was ever aching so deeply. That is fucked up logic, I know. The miasma of my daily existence is not extraordinary. There are thousands of me out there. My life is not a drama.
I have made my life all about struggle, I have defined myself by it. Struggling to find my way, struggling with my depression and heath, struggling to achieve goals, struggling with all the insane thoughts in my head about why I am the way I am. And dammit, I just AM. That's the bottom line. It's not anything- or anyone- that happened to me, it's not any chemical imbalance, it's not where I live or what I do. It's just fucking life.
I know I am not making sense to anyone else, I'm not even sure I understand what I'm saying. I sat down to blog about one thing, but this is what's coming out of me. So, I give up the struggle. Life happens, and from now on I shall let it flow over me instead of wearing myself out by holding up a shield. I have been fighting against it for so long, trying to change myself, change the way I think and feel. There is nothing wrong with me, or what's inside my head or my heart.
Everything I feel has value, everything I feel is normal and not unique only to me. Guilt, anger, pain, love, anxiety, hate, sadness, loneliness, remorse, boredom. They are not my exclusive emotions, I can't lay claim to them. They've been around since the world started turning, and they will be around well after I'm ashes. If I am angry or lonely, guess what? It's a good bet that a million people around the globe are feeling the same thing at that moment. So, I need to accept it, get over it all, and let it go. And I am free to do just that! I am NOT special. I am normal! It's a letdown and a release all at the same time, to say that. Now I have to just believe it, and live it.
I want to spend each day knowing that whatever choice I make, that whatever I do, is neither right nor wrong. It just IS, and that's the way it's supposed to be. There is nothing to analyze, nothing to fret over, nothing to "work on". I don't have to feel extreme joy with every little move I make. I don't have to beat myself up when I'm so down I can't see daylight. I don't have to feel guilty if what I'm doing brings me pleasure even if it's not on a daily to-do list. If I don't feel like smiling at you today then I won't, but tomorrow I may feel like hugging you for no reason so I will. I am tired of faking what I do in order to get along with the rest of the world. Hell, those people are probably just faking it too.
I don't have to do anything but be me. I have held onto this spurious, broken identity of myself for way too long now. It's time to forge ahead without that protective cloak to hide over my true face.
I hate that silly overused catchphrase of living your authentic life, but I suddenly see that it has merit.
MISS GEE!!!
