Getting Along

The other day my sister-in-law came to stay with us for a few days.  She is a terrific spirit, a go-getter, and one of the happiest people I've ever met.  I do know she's lonely, but she keeps up appearances for the sake of her two teenage children.  She's divorced from her first husband, and her second husband made her a young widow.  She just recently broke away from the man she had been dating for awhile- he had proposed and she just didn't want the relationship to head in that direction, and the awkwardness of the rejection got in the way.  At lunch one afternoon, she asked J and I if we fought much.  We both looked at each other and said, never.  And that's true.  I told my sister-in-law that I spent my first marriage locked in mortal combat almost daily, and I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life with J that way.

Sure J and I disagree on things, but it never escalates, it rarely amounts to anything much.  I find that the few times we squabble, it's because one (or both) of us is tired or cranky or not feeling well.  It's not an argument so much as it is a subtle statement that "I'm in an ill mood right now, I really don't feel like having this discussion."  With W, even the nightly question of "what do you want to watch on TV?" could turn into an ugly, vicious attack and a nasty bout of screaming and name-calling.  It was a constant nightmare with the ex, we couldn't discuss anything, we couldn't agree on anything, we couldn't make plans together.  We couldn't even agree on pizza toppings.  That man disagreed with me just for the sake of disagreeing.

I don't know why J and I don't fight.  Perhaps it's our age.  I am certainly 1000 times more mature than I was 25 years ago when I was entering into my relationship with W.  I am sure J, who married his first wife when he was barely 20, is an entirely different man now.  Meeting as middle-age divorced people, you've already made all your mistakes and have hopefully learned from them.  I know I did.  When I met J, I already knew what I didn't want in a man and I knew what I wasn't willing to put up with.

J and I aren't boring robots.  We have completely opposite views on the big issues like politics and religion.  We have different preferences on the small things like music tastes, sports teams, and yes even pizza toppings. But none of that is crucial enough to argue over.  None of that matters enough to engage in battle with each other.  We discuss things rationally as adults, listen to each other, recognize and appreciate that we are different people who make a fantastic couple, and move on.  We know we won't ever agree on certain things  (I will never like pepperoni!), but our marriage and our relationship is more important than anything else. Who cares that when we go to vote for the president, we cancel out each other's choice?  We've learned to laugh about it.  He is one party, I am another, and that's how it will always be.  I don't want to change his mind and make him agree with me, that is ridiculous.

We've had one or two major blow-ups, but they were very early in our relationship and I think we weren't as comfortable in the marriage yet.  I look back on those few moments now and think, wow, I was a jackass, why did I make such a big deal out of that?  I remember how I felt during and after those arguments. Confrontation and strife do not bring two people closer together.  Browbeating your partner into agreeing with you is foolish and absurd and frankly dangerous to maintaining a calm, balanced future with one another.

For me, arguing wastes time and energy, hurts feelings, destroys your sense of security and trust.  It eats away at your peace and bond as a couple.  And compromise is not a dirty word.  It's an art.  It takes a lot of work and understanding and love for people to find a solution that makes both parties feel satisfied. Sometimes your partner is the one who gets to be 80% happy with the decision- you have to be good with the other 20% this time and be happy for his happiness.  Next time, it may be your partner who gets the short end of the straw, but know that he will be happy because he loves you and is okay with you being the winner in this round.  Resentment is an ugly monster that has NO place in a marriage.  Learning to calmly discuss the small things- like where to go on vacation- translates to harmony on the big things- like where to buy your next house.

Forgiveness and acceptance are also important.  Not the "I'm sorry" type of forgiveness but just a general give and take on things, the realization that we may have opposite opinions but it's all equal and valid.  You need to accept that your partner really really really doesn't share your opinion or doesn't agree with your decision, and YOU have to be okay with that and move on.  Your spouse doesn't have to agree with you on all things!  It's not the end of the world.  If your husband picks a movie you don't really want to go see, or wants Mexican when you're in the mood for Italian, is it really that big of a deal???

Go, do, enjoy, and you can pick the movie or restaurant next weekend!  Let it go, don't sit and stew over it and let it fester. Don't pout. Don't exaggerate the situation and think "I never get my way!" If you are truly dedicated to the relationship, you understand boundaries, and you know there are certain lines you just can't cross.  So don't!  Twenty years ago, W would have called me a selfish bitch and I would have called him an asshole, and we wouldn't have gone out to eat anywhere at all.  Picking apart the other person is childish.  Revel in your differences.  Don't use them against your partner.  You are a couple, but YOU are also independent and an individual.  Guess what?  So is your partner! This is how it should be.

The reason my sister-in-law was in town in the first place, was because J had a function in the city he wanted to attend.  It concerned one of those bigger subject matters that he and I just don't agree on.  I wouldn't budge- he respected that and didn't try to coerce me into doing something I truly didn't want to do. So he said he wouldn't go, but that's not what I wanted for him.  I didn't want to attend, but I didn't want him to miss out on something he was excited about. He would have preferred that I go with him, but in the end, we compromised.  He wanted to go, I didn't.  But I wasn't going to tell him not to go, and he wasn't going to force me to accompany him.  Instead we agreed to invite his sister to visit us so that she could go with  him.  She was delighted, they had a nice evening together, and we all had a great weekend.  Everyone was happy, everyone "got their way" in the end.  No one was hurt or sad or disappointed or angry.  No resentment.  That's how it should always be.

We didn't argue or fight about it.  It was just one moment, a few hours out of our long life together.  There is always a solution, just work together to find it instead of letting it turn into a quarrel!

MISS GEE