Stumbling Badly

Oh my, I am feeling so lost right now, and I'm at a point where it is just a struggle to get through the day, hour by hour.  I am going through a spell where absolutely everything seems overwhelming and insurmountable.  Work, home, life.  We continue to rest in a state of limbo with J's job- the interview process was lengthy and detailed.  He's been told he's the number one choice, but no offer has been presented, not even a single word from anyone.  J is going about his normal routine, and of course I am so stressed I feel like a guillotine is hanging over my neck, never inching closer yet never backing off.  We have not even decorated for Christmas, because any day we might hear that we have to start packing up our house.  J said, don't even put up the tree or string lights in the yard, if we will just have to put them right back in a box in a week or two.  I'm in quite a funk over this, even though it makes perfect practical sense- the last time we moved, it was also at Christmas and we went without a tree or decorations that year too.  But driving through our neighborhood and seeing everyone's houses lit up, and sneaking peeks of Christmas trees through front windows, is making my blues a deep shade of midnight.  And it's not helping that I've already fallen head over heels in love with a few houses in the town we may move to, so I just sit there and stare at the photos online and think, okay, when will we find out if we get to move on or stay put?  Will those homes be available by the time we know?  It sucks tremendously to have my future in someone else's hands right now.  J just shrugs it all off, stoic and nonplussed about it.

I had a very brief moment of bliss in the mountains for Thanksgiving, but reality was waiting on me as soon as I returned.   Reality being work, that is.  It is crazy stupid busy at work right now, I don't know any other way to say it.  It would be hard for me to explain what I do, but it involves a tremendous amount of computer work and documents and reports.  I work with our sales force.  Only one of me, 200 of them, and about 1500 accounts.  Yeah, that's right.  And I'm technically only supposed to work 8-5 because I'm an hourly slob, but in the 3 years I've been at that office, I've worked mostly 10, sometimes 12 hour days.  I went in at 6:15 this morning and thought, wow, I am not staying late again tonight.  I am physically exhausted to the point where my body is hurting.  And all I do is sit at a desk all day long.  Normally I love all my sales people, but the closer it gets to end of the year deadlines, the more insanity there is- from them and with me, too.  And I have a very demanding and VERY unhelpful boss who comes in well after 8am, and never bothers to stay until 5pm.  Two days a week she leaves at 3pm for something to do with her daughter's cheerleading squad.  Yesterday she came in at 11:15 because she had a personal errand.  Must be frigging nice is all I have to say.  But if you mention to her that you are struggling and need relief, she flaps her arms around and starts complaining about how much she has to do and how busy she is and she can't keep up.  Well, try working more than 6 hours a day, that might help. Today I left at 5pm sharp, pissed off, because every day like clockwork at 4:55, my phone and my email and my instant message all explode with sales people needing something.  Today I thought, f*ck that sh*t I'm going home.  It's not my problem that they've all waited until the end of the workday to have a crisis that could have probably been handled at 2pm.

Home has not been much better for me lately, because it just illuminates the areas of my life where I feel like a huge failure.  Mostly because I am so tired I can't even concentrate on anything at all.  I have days, like today, where I wish for just one minute I was still single.  I love J with every speck of my soul, and I adore our kitty-kids, but my god I have nights where I want to disappear and be so alone.  I can't even sit down on the couch with a dish of ice cream, I have cats clambering all over me.  There is no peace, no solitude, and if I close the door to a room and try to be alone, there are little paws pounding at it, or a sweet caring husband who wants to know what's wrong and what can he do to help.  There is no alone at my house. Even when J isn't home yet, it's still not like being alone alone.  I don't know how to explain it.  I mean, I wish I was alone with no one and no responsibilities and no place to be at any particular time and no one to wonder after me.  I wish I could fall into some pit where no one would find me. But I have too many people who love me and care about me and worry about me, so there is no escape.  I don't want to permanently go away, I just want a moment of nothingness now and again.

I am at a crossroads right now, even if we don't end up moving.  My whole life, my every ounce of energy, is sucked up by my job.  I've devoted 11 years to the company, and every day I grow to hate it just a little more, and every day I say to myself I just can't take it anymore, and every day I come back in there to do it all over again.  That has to be the definition of idiotic. I have to turn in my resignation one way or the other.  Either I leave because I am moving out of state, or I quit to save my life.  The paycheck just isn't worth it anymore. My life is passing me by quickly, it's halfway over already.  My headstone will read "She was a great employee" and that is NOT what I want to be remembered for.  But right now, it's the only thing I've got going in my life.  So sad. So wrong.

It is 7:30 pm.  I am going to bed.  I am weary to the bone.  I don't even care tonight.

MISS GEE