I live on a cul-de-sac, and that's about it for sounds on our street. Later on in the day, it will be airplanes overhead, a constant stream of them as we live right on a flight path for the world's busiest airport. We live where the planes are coming in, and we can hear the whine and then whoosh of their engines shift down as they are descending. We're thirty minutes from the airport, but it's still an evening event seven days a week, the aerial traffic rush starting around 3pm and lasting until bedtime. I like to sit in the driveway and count the planes, sometimes there will be a dozen coming towards us in the sky at one time. Almost like the interstate. I'm so used to it, I tune it out. And finally, the garden here is coming awake. I have mostly summer plants and summer bulbs, so spring is just plain greenery every year. The first of my lilies bloomed this week, gigantic pink and white things with perfume so dense it will make you a bit weak if you get too close to them.
My Etsy shops are doing pretty good, and I've thought about opening up a third one. I revamped my original shop and relaunched new products, and have made a few quick sales already. My second shop, which is all my vintage and estate sale finds, has always done well but for a few months now I haven't listed anything new. My goal this week is to take photos and get things online. I can't sell them if they aren't out there where the public can see them. I am finding the vintage shop is just as viable as the pottery. I confess I know nothing about antiques, I just know what I like, and so far my eye has been sharp. J will always say I have expensive taste. Not on purpose. It just seems that what draws my attention is quality. I've had a couple of estate sale pieces lately that I paid one or two dollars for, and found online they are worth $40 or $50. You can't argue with that! I only know that I buy what I like, because I might get stuck with it. I like old pottery or porcelain figurines, small plates and bowls, planters, things of that nature. I've done well buying old kitchen tidbits as well- rolling pins, tin molds, utensils, glass measuring cups- items from the 50's are all the rage right now. Sometimes I buy things knowing darn well I intend to keep them! J and I were supposed to set up at a huge antique and craft show this weekend, bigger than any show I've ever done, but last weekend he had an anxiety attack thinking about it- all the work and prep he still had to do, displays he had to build- and he admitted he didn't really want to do the show. I said no problem, and it's really not. We lost our deposit, but that's a small price to pay for the hubby's peace of mind. Instead we're headed off to the mountains for the weekend, probably the last time for awhile. Then the next weekend my parents will be here for 4-5 days for the holiday. No plans, just hanging out, grilling out, playing cards. My mom loves to work in my garden, my dad loves to putter in our garage with J.
J is in a bit of a holding pattern. His new "job" started last Monday but he's still at his old office. Every day he's been packing up his personal things and bringing them home. Mostly it's all work stuff- notebooks and such that he will continue to use with his new position. He thinks he will start the full time travel by June. He has a conference call with his "new" boss today, so I'm sure that will be discussed. So far he's just been doing his same old job with not much interaction with his new boss. But it's been interesting, some people he has worked with these last 8 years are suddenly treating him like a leper. I guess that is just jealousy- he's moving up and on, they are not. He's had some of the supervisors under him say "No, I won't do this report, I don't work for you anymore." Technically they are right! But it's like a little kid having a temper tantrum and telling daddy no I don't wanna. I just can't imagine having one of your longtime employees look at you and so suddenly and flippantly say NO. Wow. He is letting it all go, but I think inside it's bugging him. But in about two weeks it won't matter, he won't see them anymore. The other day he was working on a project and one of his employees looked at him and said "Why do you even care, you don't work here anymore." People seem to forget that he is not leaving the company, just taking a new position with the corporate office. Then again, most people are assholes anyhow, so it could just be that.
J is having self doubts about his decision. Mostly I think he is a bit scared of the unknown and lacking confidence in himself. He will be doing the same thing he does now, only at different warehouses every week and with different people. Once the newness wears off I imagine it will be very routine and very much a job at which he will excel. J is going to use this time to focus on new things. He knows he will have more free time in the evenings, and he doesn't want to get into the routine of eating sloppy fast food, plopping down in front of the TV in the hotel room, and falling asleep at 8:30pm. Exercise will be a priority. He wants to start reading more each night, something he never allows himself to do unless we're on vacation. J will get a $50 a day allowance for food, and he's already making plans to spend it at the grocery store instead of restaurants or the drive-thru. He's like me, he knows what he should eat, but has problems resisting the more unhealthy temptations. That's why we're both overweight. For me, I plan to clear out the pantry and freezer of any garbage and get back on the right track. And I'm hoping that once I can start eating dinner at 5:30 instead of 8:30 like we do now, I will see and feel a difference. It's sad to think that we have to be apart for each of us to work on our weight and health and bad habits, but I think together we indulge each other too much. If he says he wants ice cream, I will say okay honey, when I should be saying no that's terrible for your diabetes! If I say let's order an appetizer, he will say sure whatever you want, when he should say no a burger and onion rings is enough we don't need fried pickles too. But we always say "yes dear" to each other, and over the years it has shown up on our waistlines.
But after saying all of this, after sharing all these beautiful thoughts in these paragraphs about how great our life is, I still spend my afternoons struggling with my depression. It comes in rolling waves, not the gentle ones at the beach that lap at your ankles, but the angry crashing kind that knock you off your feet- then drown you. Mostly it's still late in the afternoon, from about 3pm to 6pm. I still can't find a trigger, and I may never figure it out. I still think it's more physical than anything, that I'm running out of energy and the depression comes swooping in to swallow up my tired mind and aching body, and I'm so listless I can't fight it off. Right now I'm mostly just trying to realize that's it okay - if I need to just stop whatever I'm doing, go sit on the couch and watch some mindless TV, then that's what I will do and I will stop feeling guilty about it. It makes me wonder, once J starts traveling during the week, if I will still get this little time pocket of blue spells and brain pain every day. It's hard for me to understand why I can have such a terrific life and still be so frigging sad and unhappy all the time. It's like my head and heart are disconnected from the world going on around me. It's like even though I have a clear path and good directions, I still end up getting lost. And when you are alone, sometimes you feel like there is no one there to help find you. You're on your own with that. No compass, map, GPS.
Normally I break out of my sinking moods around the time J is calling in the evening to say he's heading home in a bit, and I have to jump up and start fussing over the dinner prep. Maybe those actions alone change my thinking pattern enough to pull me away from the darkness. Then J is home and we talk or sit outside in lawn chairs or make weekend plans or just exist in the same room together, and I'm not having sad thoughts, I don't have that heaviness in my chest. But I won't have that now, so will I snap out of the afternoon doldrums on my own? I do know the few times that J has traveled for work, he calls me, a lot. From the airport, from the car rental lot, from the hotel, any time he's in the car, before he goes to bed and right when he wakes up. Lots of texts, emails, photos. On a normal workday here, I never hear from him at all during the day, not even emails because he's so damn busy he can't breath. Now he might actually have more time to talk to me!
For the rest of May we'll be in limbo, nothing really changing, nothing new happening. Then June will finally see the household upended, perhaps for the next few years. We both are confident it was a good decision for J and his career, and a great decision for our future and retirement.
We definitely looked at the overall bigger picture on this, but we may find the day to day life tripping us up.
MISS GEE
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