Red

Out of all the emotions that humans experience, anger seems to be the one I suffer from the most.  It's getting better, a LOT better, but it's still something I must continue to work through.  The frustrating part is, I don't know where it all comes from.  I even have days when I drive angry, and boy you don't want to be that person in front of me doing 44 in a 45 zone.  In the past I used to laugh it off and just say, well I'm Italian so I have a hot temper.  A temper is one thing- you yell or blow up at something, then it passes.  Anger is another animal completely.  It lingers deep inside, hunkers down into dark crevices and builds a home there, living, feeding off you, chewing up anything good that comes into your soul.

Last Friday at my weekly support group meeting, a newer member spoke up about her anger issues and how badly she is struggling with trying to deal with it. She was sitting right beside me, hiding in the back row like I've always done for all these years.  Her anger was at her father, an abusive alcoholic.  He was dead, and she couldn't understand why she was still angry at him, and more than that she couldn't understand why she couldn't let that anger go.  She described how she would go pick up his urn from her bookshelf and shake his ashes, listening to his bone fragments rattle around.  If that isn't a powerful visualization of what anger is, I don't know what else could top that! After the meeting I sat and talked to her, shared my story of my abusive ex W and the torment of my first marriage, and told her I too was still dealing with anger stemming from a relationship that ended over a decade ago.  She asked me what I was angry about.  I tried to explain I was angry at him for ruining those years of my life, for treating me like he did, for making me feel like shit when I did nothing to deserve it. Mostly, I was still angry at myself for getting into the situation and not recognizing the warning signs.  They were there, from day one, but I didn't want to see any of them.

She seemed to take comfort in the fact that others out there were facing the same struggles.  Her issue was also equal parts anger at her abuser as well as herself.  I told her it's easy to forgive others, but when you are angry at yourself, that's the one that seems to linger the longest.  And I don't know why.  J has a difficult time understanding why I am still mad at my ex, why I just don't put the past where it belongs- behind me.  The first marriage ended without any drama, I will never ever see him again, and my life with J is magical and amazing.  Yet I still sometimes dwell on that evil first husband of mine. WHY?!  I guess if I could answer that, I would not be writing this post.  I do feel as though I've started to let some of it go.  I don't think about that time in my life as often as I used to.  I certainly don't think about him anymore.  But the anger is still there in me.

J is very very even-tempered.  He gets frustrated, but never angry, and he certainly doesn't hold grudges.  It's been hard for him to deal with his older sister, who is going through anger issues of her own, at their parents.  She doesn't want to talk about it, just says she's dealing with it, getting counseling, but in the meantime she still doesn't want to be around her parents.  The last few visits we've made there, she hasn't shown up, and that is unfortunate because while J and his other sister make efforts to gather the family, his older sister is missing out on it.  This weekend when we go for Mother's Day, an absolute annual trek, his older sister has already said she and her family will not be participating.  I feel bad for J, because when we visit his parents, that's the only opportunity to visit his sister as well.  And for the first time since I've been with J, she does not want to spend this holiday with the rest of the family.

I don't want my anger with my past to control any of my current situations.  I don't want to let my anger make me miss out on any happiness I may feel today.  I "understand" what my sister-in-law is going through, but I guess the difference is my anger is directed at someone who is no longer in my life and I will never see again.  Her issues are with her parents, who are still alive and well, living in the same town and very confused as to why their oldest daughter no longer wants to be in their life.  It's sad, but J just shrugs and says that it's her issues to deal with and he is going to continue to spend time with his parents and his other sister and her kids.  He knows he can't help his big sis, and she hasn't reached out to him.

I'm not saying no one should ever be angry.  It's a complicated emotion, but a relevant one as well.  I would never dismiss anyone for feeling it.  There are times when it's appropriate to feel anger- at human suffering, mistreatment of animals, the injustices in our world.  Anger sometimes propels you forward, launches ideas and movements to better the environment around you.  But anger should never be allowed to rob you of your life, your joy in today, and it shouldn't dictate your future.  It shouldn't hurt, you or others!  I read an article this morning that said anger usually stems from the perception that something has been taken from you.  I get that.  I get how I'm angry at W for wasting my younger years, taking away my self-esteem, crushing the dreams that I'd once had before I met him.  I get that J's sister is angry about things in her own childhood, how growing up in tough times on a farm with ultra-strict overly religious parents "robbed" her of a normal adolescence.

Mostly I think anger is a destructive force, an infectious disease.  I see how my sister-in-law's anger is upsetting the entire family.  J is distraught that she can't even give an hour on a Saturday evening to come see him when he's in town, simply because she doesn't want to be around her parents.  His other sister is frustrated as well, I could hear it in her voice on the phone this week while making Mother's Day plans with J.  Not only is their sister removing herself from the family, but now her grown children- and their children- are "siding" with her as well. Her issues with her parents have now spread to her kids not wanting to be around their grandparents who love them and dote on them.  And that is the real crime.  Grandparents in their late 70's, who won't be around much longer, are not spending their time with their cherished grandchildren.  Everyone is hurting and confused.  Even so, I do not discount the fact that my sister-in-law is in obvious pain and she has the right to feel that pain and anger.  I just hate the way it's become the main focus for the entire clan.

I see how my lingering anger sometimes spills over into my marriage with J because the old voices in my head still plague me, reminding me of the worst moments of my past.  J is not W. He never will be.  I'm in a safe place now.  Once upon a time, I used the anger to help make my decision to get away from the abuse.  But that's long over and will never happen again. For me anger is a vicious cycle, I actually find that I get angry at myself for being angry!  Then the anger causes the negative self-talk.  Why can't I let it go?  What is wrong with me?  I'm just acting stupid.  I'm overly dramatic.  Maybe my ex was right when he said I was worthless.  I must be flawed somehow, to hold so tightly to this old anger, not able to shake it off and lock it away in a box somewhere.

Anger should never paralyze you.  It should never prevent you from learning and growing and moving forward.  It should never keep you from being in the moment, pursuing healthy relationships.  Mostly it should never be directed at the ones you love- and that includes yourself! I will continue to work on this.

MISS GEE