We had a mild summer this year, for the Deep South. Very few days that reached the 90 degree mark. Right now the mornings are cool enough to open up the windows, but just briefly before the humidity creeps in. It's just a tease. For me, any day above 60 is too hot! Yes, I should live in North Dakota or Maine, you are right. In fact I'm ssssoooooo ready for summer to be over, I've already started bringing up my autumn decorations from the basement and placing them around the house. J came home last night and said, why is there a giant pumpkin sitting on the hearth? Right now he's consumed with baseball and golf- sports of summer- and I'm already thinking about what I want to bake for the holidays. I'm much more active in the colder months, as far as exercise goes, I want to go hike or walk in the neighborhood. Normally my depression lifts in the winter as well. I lose more weight, socialize with friends more, and I just feel better about my life and myself when the thermometer drops. Go figure. At the same time, my spirit is much more calm and content in the winter. Nothing says settle down and relax for awhile like a good book, a fire, and a cup of cocoa. Seriously.
But another problem I have in the fall and winter, is restlessness. Not truly "cabin fever", as in I'm stuck in the house and can't get out. We get one nice little snowfall here every winter, and that's it. I get restless because I love the cool weather, the trees turning, the local fall festivals, the holidays. I want to do and see and take it all in, and I know I can't. On any given Saturday in the fall, there are 3 or 4 festivals or fairs nearby, and I feel like I want to get to every single one. This Saturday I'm taking in two, and I'm already mapping out where to go next Saturday. My restlessness also causes me great frustrations too, and I do get that caged animal sensation, like I just have to go do something. Most of the time, it's just wanting to be outside in the crisp air and looking up at the immaculate blue sky. Unlike summer, when I want to blink my eyes and make it go away, I want autumn and winter to get here soon and hang around. J will walk around a street fair with me, but he doesn't really care about them- he goes because he knows as an artist at heart, I love getting out there to see what other folks are making and thinking up. I don't rip off people's ideas, but I do get inspired to go back home and create my own art. And I buy a lot at festivals, too. :)
My depression has been horrible lately, and the last few weeks I have really been struggling. Stumbling and Aimless. I feel as though as soon as I make strides in the right direction, I have a month or so when I slide backwards and can't seem to dig my claws in there to make the descent stop, or at least slow it down a bit. I land back at the bottom with a thud. It takes me awhile to pick myself up and start to climb out of that pit again. Most of the time I've convinced myself that I will never reach the top, no matter how hard I fight or how long I keep fighting. Hell, I'm nearing 50 and I haven't made it yet, so what makes me think I ever can? I have a pessimistic nature, and I'm sure that goes hand in hand with depression. I want to shake it off, and anyone with truly deep depression knows that it's not that easy. I go to bed every night making a mental list of the things I want to accomplish the next day, and in the reality of that tomorrow I might get one or two checked off. J told me I make it hard on myself by being too ambitious. Some days I understand he's right. Some days I worry he really means, I can't keep up with the normal people so don't even have the hope of trying. I've never been like this at work, I've just always been this way when it comes to "me". I've always been the superstar employee at every office, but a total slug outside the walls of my employers. I don't know why that drive, dedication, energy and pursuit of perfection, does not carry over into my personal life. It's all "me", so why do I seem to have a split personality?
I've told myself repeatedly over the last week, that as soon as my wrist completely heals, things will be better once the pain subsides. But since 2006, there has been some piece of my body at all times, that is in chronic pain and has required surgery. As soon as that area gets better, something else on me breaks down. I feel as though J has not known me to be in any state other than pain. Sure I was already beginning to struggle with depression and loads of self-esteem issues when we started dating in 2003. The years we dated before we married, he only saw me on weekends, and I think the euphoria of being in love carried me along whenever I was with him. During the week, when I was at home alone, the depression, the general aches and pains, the feelings of doubt consumed me. But come Friday nights and until I left his company on Sunday evenings, I wore my happiest face for him. And I wasn't faking, it was real overwhelming joy to be at his side. Once we were married, I couldn't keep that up 24/7 anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still feel that sappy love for J, that will never change. I just have a harder time pushing through the rest of the crap. I can't smile all the time anymore. And I apologize to him constantly because of it, which I know annoys him but I feel compelled to do it nonetheless. It's just been hard these past few weeks, watching him have to come home and do some of the housework, because I was in too much pain to do it. He tells me, that's what he's here for. I'm like, to load the dishwasher? He's often talked about getting someone to come in once or twice a week to do the cleaning, but as sweet as his offer is meant to be, it just makes me feel worse about myself. As in, I can't keep my own friggin' home clean, how pathetic am I? Sometimes I feel like J's needy kid, not his wife. And dammit, I'm older than him!
I am hoping to soon put this summer behind me. The latest pain that's plagued me since January, and the recovery from the surgery. The way I am still questioning whether or not I should have quit my job in April (and by the way I just found out my replacement already quit, she hated my boss too). My floundering about without any sense of direction for my daily existence. It's very unbecoming, to be my age and at this stage of my life, without knowing what I want to do or where I want to go- and end up. I want to get over the loneliness and anxieties that all the big changes this year have brought into my world. I am trying to go against my nature and instead be optimistic. 2013 is winding down. 2014 has just got to be better. I have just got to be better.
Oh man I'm ready for the next snowstorm. Bring it on.
MISS GEE
No comments:
Post a Comment