This has been weeks now of absolutely everything hurting, from head to toe. Normally it's just one thing or another, but right now it seems to be a cascading failure of my entire body. Migraines, my lower back and hip, my knee, the arthritis in my hands. Everything. Even my feet are hurting right now, which is weird because I don't do anything that would trigger that and I've never had problems with them in the past. Right now I can barely walk on them in the mornings and evenings. It hurts to sit, it hurts to stand, it hurts to walk, it hurts to lie in bed. The pain even overwhelmed me into a crying jag yesterday afternoon. The only time I feel better is when I'm floating in a deep, super hot bath filled with salts and herbs. I'm not a fish, I can't stay in the tub forever.
I have an appointment on Monday morning with a new doctor, another specialist, for my female/menopause issues. I don't think any of those problems are causing pain, it's just annoying symptoms that won't go away and are causing minor but irritating complications to my daily life. I'm sure this will turn into several appointments- doctors rarely if ever can do it all at the first visit.
These days I don't take anything stronger than over the counter pain relievers. And even with those, I have to be at an unbearable ten before I reach for the bottle. If I took ibuprofen every time I had an ache, I would be taking them around the clock and who knows what my kidney and liver would look like. So my choices are- eat my insides alive with Motrin or just suffer all day with pain. Not much of a choice. It's been a terrible cycle lately. I know I need to go to yoga or get on the treadmill because it will make me feel better, but I feel so awful right now I can't get myself to go back on those routines. All I want to do is sit on the couch with a heating pad on my back and a cold cloth on my head. It sucks big time. The resentment that I'm letting my life pass me by starts to dig away at my already delicate mental balance.
I spent too many years walking around in a zombie state, driven by all the prescription pain meds my doctors kept me on. They never worked. I had to keep taking more pills a day, at higher doses. Nothing ever worked, nothing ever offered a single sliver of relief. Pills like oxycodone, shots of morphine at the hospital, patches stuck on my body soaked with lidocaine, repeated epidurals in my back at pain clinics. For years I took pregabalin, a drug with a normal dose of 300mg a day- my doctor had me up to 1500mg a day and it still had no effect on my pain whatsoever. In 2009 when I went to a new doctor, she said she couldn't give me anything stronger, couldn't raise my dosages. So slowly I just got off everything, and as prescriptions expired I didn't ask for renewals. I decided that if none of it was going to help, why the hell was I going through all of that shit? The money, the time at the appointments, all for what?
Frankly, I don't hurt any worse today drug-free, than I did back then when I stayed loaded up on them. The pills never helped me feel better physically, but they made me just not care about anything, including the pain. I was dull, depressed, and hating myself when I stayed drugged.
I do understand people who get addicted to pain killers. I have a cousin who did time in a federal prison for it. I guess it never happened to me because they never worked, so there was really no point. No craving, no urge. There was nothing to crave! I always took my medications in the way that the doctors prescribed them. I never took too many, I never took them too often. I was more worried about how the drugs might destroy my internal organs if I overdid them. So once I was off everything, I just shrugged my shoulders and said "eh" because it was over. I think if the prescription pain meds ever DID offer relief, I may have been one of those people who needed them to survive.
My physical therapist, who I see once a month now- down from twice a week- wants me to try her acupuncturist. I'm not against it. I just have little hope for it so I haven't decided yet if I want to embark on that path. I do believe in alternative health care. I don't blame my primary care physicians for throwing pills at me, because that's what they're trained to do. I know so much of it is in my control. Losing weight, moving more, eating better, taking vitamins, going to yoga, changing to organic foods and chemical-free products in my pantry. I get "Mother Earth Living" and "Clean Eating" and "Vegetarian Times". I just don't bother to take all the steps I see easily spelled out on the glossy pages.
The pain gets into my mental space, because I start to really get down on myself. I'm lazy, I'm not taking advantage of my free time and easy life to make the changes I need to. I have access to everything I need, J has given me the whole world in order to take care of myself, and it's like I'm slapping away the helping hand of fate. Why? Because I'm that person who sits on their ass watching Project Runway marathons, hoping for a pizza to magically appear at the door- with extra cheese and dipping sauce. I must take control of my own health! Can I get rid of all of the pain? Maybe not. But I do know that sitting around feeling sorry for myself is not the path I need to be on.
MISS GEE
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