When I was working at the office, I used to think of my life in terms of hours. Watching the clock, waiting for lunch break, waiting for time to go home, at home waiting for time to go to bed, in the middle of the night eyeballing the alarm clock waiting for it to go off. The minute by minute stress was unbearable. Once I started my "retirement" at home, I started thinking of my life in terms of days. J and I would get up then he would head to work at 7am and he would get home around 8pm- so I had "all day" to accomplish whatever it was on my daily to-do list. Mornings and early afternoons were bliss, but the stress started after lunch when I would rush around to finish housework or get dinner started before J got home. Suddenly each day the later hours felt as though they weren't really "my" time- they belonged to the house, the husband, the pets, the chores.
Now that J leaves on Sunday or Monday, flies away to his latest assignment, and comes home on Friday- my thought process has expanded to think of my life in the form of weeks. I have all week to work on a project, I have all week to shop and exercise and paint, blog or read or watch TV or bake, walk in the neighborhood or plant flowers or have lunch downtown. I have all week to do laundry and vacuum and clean toilets and mop and dust. I can get up at 6am then go to bed at 9pm, or I can sleep in until 8am and stay up until midnight. If I cover the kitchen table with clay and glazes, it can sit there for days, and I don't have to worry about it or get it cleaned up. If I spend an entire day slumped on the couch with my nose stuck in a book, well, so what? I don't ever take naps, but that's not because I think it's wrong, it's just because my body doesn't ever want one. I have days when I never so much as turn on a TV or radio for the whole day. I have days when I flip on the TV with my morning coffee and it never goes off again until I go to bed. I no longer keep my eye on the clock at 3pm, 4pm, 5pm. No one is coming home, no one needs dinner, no one is going to be there to see what I did with myself all day long.
And it's okay. All of that is okay.
And I confess, I feel better now. Still feeling guilty that I never "do" enough, but feeling better that, you know what? I don't really have to do more, do different, do whatever. I am getting over that pressure that society puts on women who stay at home.
I was worried when J took the promotion and started traveling full time. We actually both worried about how our lives, together and individually, would change. J was deeply concerned that I would fall into my old spiral of depression, and I would allow it to get the best of me. In my 49 years on this earth, I've only lived alone for a little over two years of it. That was the period when my ex-husband and I separated, and before J and I married. Before I lived with my ex, I was at home with my parents. So I didn't know how my new life would be. Would I be scared, lonely, depressed, sad, bored? Surprisingly, none of the above.
True, I don't really live alone. I have a husband. He's home on the weekends, and he's here to take care of the lawn and the house and the cars. He's here to whisk me away on a Friday night date, or a weekend in the mountains. He's here to pay the bills and plan vacations and celebrate holidays. He texts all day long, he calls for quick chats at least three times a day, if not more. He is constantly sending me photos of his current location. And in an emergency, he's only a plane ride away. So in that respect, I am not truly alone.
But four nights a week, I do go to bed alone, eat dinner alone. Four mornings a week I wake up alone, I make coffee by the cup and not the pot. I know J is going through the same thing during his work week and hotel living. And it's been okay, for both of us. He is busy with his job, and for the most part he's working the same long hours as before, just in another city. He has little time on the road to do anything but work and eat and sleep, which is what he was doing here anyhow.
If I had a different type of marriage and husband, perhaps I would worry. I am not the overly bored, under sexed housewife of the soap operas or reality shows. I'm not complaining about my husband never being home, never spending time with me. I'm not going to go roaming around out there "looking" for companionship. And I do have complete and total confidence I am married to a man who would not do that, either. So I don't sit around feeling jealous or worried or freaking out or having terrible thoughts. And I know he's not sitting around feeling resentful or ignored or suspicious. We're not trying to check up on each other or control each other's movements. If he wants to go out to dinner with some of the guys from work, I am happy for him, not sitting at home wondering if he's flirting with a waitress or whatever.
On the other hand, it concerns me that we are both SO okay with being apart all week long. I don't know if I should look at it as a good thing, that we both really are very secure in our marriage and our relationship, that the time apart is not going to cause any issues. Or should I be worried that I like my time alone TOO much? Does that mean I'm not cut out to be a wife? I know, we've been married a decade now, but instead of sitting around pining for my husband and boohooing every time he leaves, I confidently pack his suitcase and kiss him goodbye and go about my life. I enjoy the following days at home and about town, doing my own thing, working in my craft room, reading on the deck. I look forward to J's calls and texts and emails. Then I am happy when he returns home every Friday so we can have a fabulous weekend as a couple.
Maybe it's just because I'm a pessimist at heart, that I think because I am okay with our new arrangement, something must be wrong with me- instead of just saying I'm an adult with a healthy marriage and we're both mature and stable and happy and content. I remind myself of one of my friends who works days, and whose husband has worked third shift their entire 25 year marriage. They literally never see each other, until the weekends. I have friends with airline pilot or long haul driver husbands who are never home. I have friends with husbands who work on offshore oil rigs who are gone for one or two weeks at a time. I have friends with husbands in the military who are stationed overseas. It's just life. Am I a shitty person, a terrible partner, a crappy wife, for being OKAY with my husband now being gone all the time?? It's not forever, he will retire eventually I know. When he leaves on Monday, he will be home in a few days.
J is enjoying the new position as well, and he's finally starting to like the travel and the perks and his actual job of helping out the company's many locations with their issues. The more he enjoys the work, the more I enjoy him having this job. He's been able to make new friends, he's been able to go do fun things with other guys. Dinners out with other people who can talk shop with him. He's gone to baseball and hockey games, museums, even a zoo. Hell, sometimes he even goes shopping to kill time in the evenings, and loves to surprise me with little trinkets when he comes home. As long as he is content with this new job, I am thrilled with it too.
Being alone and being lonely are two different critters. I am certainly not lonely. And yes, of course I miss my husband when he is gone, but I am not a wretched lump while he is not here. I don't have to have someone in my face 24/7 to enjoy my life. I am actually very pleased with how things have turned out since J started traveling. I feel more creative, I feel more centered, I feel more productive. I feel independent, but with a safety net. J feels less stress, he feels more appreciated by the company, and he feels more empowered in this new job. I think it's been a win-win for us both. Being more satisfied in our individual endeavors makes us a much more happier couple when we come together.
So I'm hoping for much more of the same for 2016, I like the current trend of life getting better for us both. And more than that, I'm hoping to stop feeling guilty for NOT being miserable and sad while my husband is not here!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
MISS GEE!!!
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