But Weight!

I’ve had two significant failures in my life.  The first was the end of my 13 year marriage to my first husband W.  Of course with hindsight, I know now that was actually the greatest moment of our entire relationship- walking out of the courthouse divorced and with my maiden name back.

The other failure has been my weight.  It’s the more obvious one, since everyone who meets me knows I’m overweight- I can't hide that no matter how I stand or what I wear.  Not everyone can look at me and know that I made the mistake of marrying a complete dickhead when I was in my early 20’s.  Most of the people in my current circle only know me as J’s doting other half.

J and I are both overweight and always have been.  Not horribly obese, we can still shop at a regular clothing store.  But we are both near the top limit of the plus-size sections.  Knowing that I can still squeeze into a 2X is really of little comfort to me.  I am not proud of it.  Even if I’m not buying clothes at the specialty shops like Lane Bryant, I am still very much plus-size!!

J has actually lost a good bit of weight since we met, and I have gained a great deal.  In the 9 years we’ve been together, he’s dropped 60 pounds without even trying, and I have gained the same amount!  I feel like when we were dating, it was false advertising- he dated a hot size 10 girlfriend and ended up with a grouchy old size 18/20 wife.

It seems to be at the core of everything that is wrong with me- fatigue, body aches, irritability, awful self-esteem, low sex drive, anxiety, feelings of hopelessness, anger at myself.  I know it’s foolish, but I think to myself:  If I lost weight I would have a better job that I loved.  If I lost weight I would want to make love every night.  If I lost weight my house would be cleaner and everything around me would be more organized.  If I lost weight I would be happy and carefree all of the time.  If I lost weight the world would fall into my lap and life would be easy.  Life would be perfect.

But I know the reality is, the only thing losing weight would do for me, is improve my physical wellbeing and maybe just a little of my emotional angst.  It won’t cure all of my ills- it won’t bring me a better salary or find me a nicer boss, it won't magically clean all my toilets or pull the weeds in my garden- but it seems as though it is always at the root of all of my issues.  There are a lot of things in my life that suck, that are out of my control, like all the crap at work right now.  But my weight is 100% my doing, and changing it- living a healthier lifestyle and making healthier choices- is completely in my hands.  Yet it has always been a struggle for me, and the one area where I feel like a big loser--just not at the scales.

Still, even knowing all of that, the needle on that scale never budges…

MISS GEE