Now that J and I are back to our normal lives, not wandering about the house looking at everything in terms of what we need to get rid of or what we should go ahead and pack up- the mood around our home is once again relaxing and fun. I have said to friends and family many times over, one day when I'm in the nursing home and no one ever comes to visit me, I will probably regret not having had kids. But for J and I, it was not to be and frankly, we love our life right now just the way it is. We would not be the people we are, the couple we are, with kids. As husband and wife, J and I are very spontaneous, crazy, loving, silly, flirty, lazy, frivolous. Boring when it suits us to be, and adventurous when the bug bites us. We enjoy getting outside our comfort zone and having new experiences. We aren't out there sailing around the world or bungee jumping, but for a pair of mid-lifers living in a small town in the South, we have a very cool life. Super comfortable one day, exciting the next. At least we think so, compared to most of our peers. We joke about the town we live in, but it's really not that bad, and we live about 30 minutes outside of the largest, hippest city in the South. It usually goes by three letters. I'm sure you can figure it out.
We don't go into the city that often, but we go there a hell of a lot more than others we know, who were born and raised here. We only moved here at the end of 2008. Before that, we lived in another small town just outside of a very large city. We try to find fun wherever we can, whether it's in our own backyard or up the road with the skyscrapers and bright lights. The other night we were there in the center of the city, and walking along the sidewalks of a huge park I remarked, I don't know why our friends don't ever come up here. And hardly any of them do. Yes, we have the freedom of no children, but so do most of the other couples we hang out with. Was it about money? J didn't hesitate when he said, it's a choice. We choose to hop in the car and drive up there to go eat, or go to a museum, to go to a sporting event or show, to find a new local shop we saw online. They don't. I guess that's true. We do invite friends to go out with us often enough, but on most weekends it's just J and I together, and I prefer it that way. We go where we want, when we want. We do what we want- or decide to just stay in. We have very similar likes, and enough differences to keep things interesting. I am stuck in an office 55 hours a week with people I don't like, and on the weekends, I am okay with not socializing with anyone else but my husband. Able to be myself with the only person who really gets me. I may spend most of my waking hours unhappy and wanting to escape my own body, but when I'm with J, that feeling fades away into dust.
J is restless by nature so we rarely stay at home on the weekends, even if we are just keeping close to town. This weekend was a perfect example. Friday night not even coming home from work but going straight out for sushi with chopsticks and green tea and just lingering over the conversation and company, then going over to walk around a home improvement store looking, talking, dreaming. We never once glanced down at our watches- we didn't need to- no reason to rush home. We eventually stopped and picked up a movie, settled in together on the couch in the dark, a small fire going, just us and the kitties. Saturday we got up and enjoyed the quiet morning together reading the paper and having coffee. Spent the afternoon the way we wanted to, taking the convertible out, going to two auctions, an antique store downtown, dinner at the deli, target practice at the local range, easing into another movie at home, and a little impromptu strip poker for two that ended up, well, you know. Probably a very dull Saturday for most people under the age of 30, but for us- we did more in one Saturday afternoon than most of our friends would do in two months. And I don't know why. And we don't always do something extravagant, like an expensive steak dinner or a luxury hotel suite downtown. Those occasions do happen, but they are special and not our normal routine. Sometimes a perfect evening is coming home and playing basketball in the driveway. The point is, our time together is spent exactly the way we want to spend it at that precise moment.
Almost as important is the respect we have for each other, when one of us does not want to spend time with the other, or we simply want to do something alone. J does not come upstairs and sit with me if I'm working on pottery, and I don't hover over him in his office when he's surfing the web. There are nights when, after dinner, I tell J I don't really want to do anything but go read for awhile. He has nights when he wants to tinker in the garage. Some days we work in the yard together, some days he's out there and I don't necessarily want to be outside. If he's watching something on TV that I don't care for, I don't ask him to change the channel for me, and he doesn't get upset if I tell him I'm going to take a hot bath. It's a fine balance that it took me a long time to learn- a terrible first marriage and a lot of growing up to make me understand. Compromise, and being okay with compromising. I miss J on days like today, this bright and windy Sunday afternoon- I'm home alone and he has to work. I think about what we could be doing if we were together, but we had a great day yesterday, and having a day at home to myself is not a terrible thing. And I know there are more wonderful times ahead. Not to say that there are not hard times and struggles, because there are. We have our share of health problems and family issues and personal woes. But we get through the rough patches by sticking together, and never letting anything at all drive a wedge between us. I am luckier than many, that my husband will talk to me no matter what is going on or what is on his mind. He doesn't shut down, he doesn't shut me out, and he doesn't shut himself off from me.
Maybe I am reflecting on our life as a married couple because tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. Our marriage, and more importantly our relationship, seems to get better every year. And we get closer to each other as time passes, instead of drifting apart. Maybe part of it is because we don't hang out constantly with other people, because we do things together most of the time. Maybe it's just that we purposefully strive to have the most fun we can in our time away from work, and we don't have as many responsibilities to commit to. Maybe we are just selfish together. Whatever it is, it works and I wouldn't change a single thing about it. J and I are happy and we know we are complete. We certainly disagree on minor issues, but we never never ever argue about anything. I can count on one hand the number of "fights" we've had in our decade together. We really don't have anything to fight about, but we are still passionate with each other, passionate about our life. Yes, we're unhappy with our jobs, but that truly has nothing to do with our marriage. It's not that we didn't want children- we tried and it just didn't happen for us. My post today was just to remind me that, even though there are things about our life that aren't ideal- like our jobs and living hundreds of miles away from the nearest family member- our life, our marriage, our partnership, our love is for us, perfect. We are still best friends and lovers. We still have fun together. We still want to spend time with each other. When I smile at J, it's my real smile, the one that no one else gets to see.
I have a newspaper clipping on the refrigerator that I really believe in:
HABITS OF A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE
* Take responsibility for your attitudes and actions
* Create a marriage mission statement
* Prioritize your priorities
* Think mutual benefits
* Listen first, talk second
* Embrace teamwork
* Lift yourself by lifting your spouse
MISS GEE
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