So before I start launching anymore posts about weight issues, I want to say this first and foremost and get it out of the way. I do not have distorted body image issues. I don't cringe about the way I look. I don't think I am gross. I don't hate my body. My body is strong, my legs are strong. I can walk miles on the beach, I can run up the stairs, I can go hiking, I can hold a yoga pose. I am not wanting to lose weight so I can look better, and I don't hide myself away because of my weight. True, I don't wear tank tops and micro skirts, but I'm also almost 50 years old. I had my flirty youthful days in the sun of short skirts, high heels, big hair and huge earrings, a great tan. Yep, back in the late 80's when I was in my early 20's. I'm not looking to recapture that again.
So I'm not ever going to say that I hate myself because I'm fat. I do, however, hate being fat. I hate how it physically makes me feel. I probably shouldn't even say the word fat, I know people think it's offensive. But I'm just telling it like it is, at least in my situation. I am barely 5'5" and I weigh 210 pounds. This morning I leaned over to pick something up and split open the bottom of my pants. That would be my flannel pajama pants. Yeah...
My sister recently told me I'm the Queen of Selfies, because I have perfected the art of tilting my face at just the exact angle to make myself look 50 pounds lighter. I took it as a compliment. She said a mutual friend saw one of my better selfies and wanted to know what diet plan I was on, because I looked amazing. Hah! Thank the universe for filters on Instagram, that's all I've got to say. Poor J, when we go out he takes photos of us and he knows without asking, I have to "approve" of the way I look in them before he can post them online. I've lost count how many times I've told him "my face looks so big in that, you can't post it". I think the only reason he bought me a newer phone the other day, is so I can be in charge of taking all the photos myself.
When I go out of the house, even when J and I go into town to run mundane errands, I am always dressed up. You won't find me slouching through the garden section at Lowe's in a plain T-shirt. My mascara and earrings and cute shoes are always present. I don't dress to blend in, or to disappear. I may feel like a slob on the inside, but I won't ever dress the part for the public eye. Sure, my hubby sees me at home looking a hot mess, but he's that special kind of man who loves me no matter what. And that includes the version of me that is no makeup, hair in a ponytail, and glasses on.
But under the beautiful blouse I'm always wearing, I have on jeans with an elastic waistband because anything else is too tight on me. Trust me, I would love to be able to grocery shop in a cutesy T. I don't "not" wear them because I don't like them. It's because my body is so lumpy I feel as though I have to cover it up in big fancy shirts two sizes too big, so it won't cling to any of my rolls. My mother has more than once tried to gently tell me that by wearing clothes SO big, it actually makes me look bigger than I really am. But that message hasn't gotten through to me. I don't want anyone to be able to see the muffin top. So I wear large shapeless flowing blouses so they can't even find the muffin top, much less be able to measure it from twenty feet away.
I can make fun of myself here, but of course deep in my heart, when J or my family or my friends look at me and see a pretty woman, I see an overweight woman. And that's how I think of myself. I am not going to jump on the bandwagon that it's society's fault that women have body image issues. I have never ever believed that I will ever look like a super model, and I've never wanted to or tried to fit that image. My body isn't built that way. I wasn't blessed with those genes, and probably less than one percent of women around the world fit into that shapely statuesque mold. I'm not tall, I will never be slim, my nose will always be big and Italian. But I'm okay with that. I'm even okay with being a bit chubby. I am not okay with being my current size and weight, because of my health issues. It's not because I think I have to "look" a certain way.
I read something recently that said "Your perceptions become your reality" and I want to change my own perceptions of myself. Sometimes if I feel low on energy because I'm simply tired, I instead tell myself I'm lazy and it's because of my weight. I beat myself up a lot about my weight. If clothes don't fit or I eat until I'm stuffed, the little voice in my head says very negative things about my behavior. It's easy to tell yourself to just simply change that behavior, but most people who are overweight have an emotional relationship with food that isn't so easy to cast aside. I have an extremely difficult time viewing food as just fuel. I attach significant emotions to eating- boredom, loneliness, celebration, stress, comfort, happiness, anger. I know I choose foods based on how I'm feeling emotionally at the time.
I've never had self-esteem issues because of my weight. Any of the worthlessness I still feel, stem from the years of mental and emotional battering I took from my ex-husband, feelings that I still have trouble shaking off. And yes, he did use my weight against me during his tirades, but I never felt low and pathetic and stupid because of the extra pounds. His abuse took in all of my flaws, not just my weight.
So while I continue to discuss my weight problems on the blog, please do not feel as though I am passing judgments on ANYONE else who struggles with this. The only person I'm pointing a finger at is myself.
MISS GEE
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