Little Pockets

I feel as though things have been good lately for me.  I wish I could say all my days were spent screaming with elation and joy, but no one should dare to be that happy.  If I was, I think I would break.

I do still struggle with my depression, but for awhile now it seems that the better days outweigh and smother the bad days.  I still have small moments of depression that hit me out of nowhere, but for once in my life I am fighting back.  I used to just give in, shrug, tell myself everyone has the occasional blue spells, that it's normal, just let it come and deal with it.  I don't want to continue to be that person.  I can have depression, but I refuse to feel depressed anymore.

In the fall I had a nonstop landslide of bad stuff envelope me.  It lasted perhaps two months. One kitty got very sick and died, then I had a grueling surgery, then another kitty had a surgery.  I felt as though I spent every day for weeks on end bounding from one doctor visit to the next, either for myself or for my babies.  The rocks tumbled down the hill on top of me one after another, until I was trapped under the pile.  I let it all overwhelm me and interfere with my life.  I cancelled two craft shows I had already paid for, I tried desperately to renege on a visit with family (J forced me to go, saying it would be "good" for me), and I went on a vacation that should have lifted my spirits but instead I spent it wallowing in my gnawing pain.

Then wham, here came the holidays and all of the family obligations.  I would play my part, do my thing, smile when I had to, speak when appropriate.  But I felt dead inside.  At night, when I could finally collapse, I would cry.  My bed, a hotel bed, alone, with J, in the mountains, at the beach.  It didn't matter if my husband was there to comfort me or not, I just cried.

So after yet another utterly miserable, boring, useless Christmas with the family, something clicked inside of me.  I don't know what.  But I realized that no matter how I was feeling, no matter what was going on inside my head, the rest of the world moved on.  Life moved on.  People moved on.  My family, my husband, friends.  They didn't stop because I was feeling low, because I was feeling like shit.  They didn't cancel their plans, they didn't mope beside me.  They could empathize, offer help, present solutions to problems, be supportive and loving.  But in the end, they kept marching forward with life, leaving me in their dust.

And I have to do the same, I have to keep moving in the right direction.  I cannot continue to let the depression drag me down, hold me back.  The more I do, the greater the chasm grows between me and my inner circle.  I am tired of talking about my depression, it doesn't seem to help.  I've been yammering away about it for how long now on this blog?

For the last month, I have been fighting it.  I can no longer just "let it" happen to me.  It's not fair.  It's not fair to my true self to let the chemical reactions firing in my brain, keep me from having a good day, keep me from making new friends, keep me from finishing a project or starting a new hobby.  I'm tired of it.  The depression has been winning the battle for so long now.  I've spent too long content to sit in the shadows on the sidelines, because that's where I felt I belonged.  But I have a right to a happy life.

So now lately I have been feeling "good", with little pockets of "bad" here and there.  But I am NOT going to let the one bad hour wipe out the good fourteen hours of a day.  I am not going to allow it to define me anymore.  It is time.  And I know I've posted this all before, but sometimes I have to keep reminding myself that it IS going to be okay, that it's going to turn out fine.  I am so tired of being tired, I am so through with feeding the sadness like it's a cute puppy.  It's not, sadness sucks, every day sadness for no real reason is a bitch.  Today out my window it's clear and sunny, blue and green, beautiful, flawless.  Why do I hide from it?

I am a strong person, and I am stronger than the depression.  My dreams are stronger than my fears.  My passion is stronger than my apathy.  My today and tomorrows are stronger than my yesterdays.  My healthy body is stronger than my weaknesses and illness.

My goal for 2016 is to kick depression in the ass, beat it upside the head, punch it in the nose, and leave it dying in the street behind me as I drive forward.  I won't even peer in the rearview mirror to check on it.

Life is full of amazing, wonderful, gorgeous moments.  I deserve to have them all.

MISS GEE