But I am not going to let it get to me this week. If the power of suggestion has any real weight, then I will force away the blues and the pain and the self-loathing for a few days. It was so bad last week that I couldn't even get through my physical therapy session- meant to exorcise the worst of my pain- and after just twenty minutes into my hour I had to jump off the table and admit I just couldn't finish.
We had a good weekend, J and I. Right away on Friday, as much as I tried my best to hide it from him and smile through it, he could tell I was very much in a bad place. He whisked me away to dinner at my favorite Lebanese haunt- there's nothing that a platter of fresh baba ghanoush and hot pita bread can't fix. Then he took me shopping for supplies at the craft store, and when I hemmed and hawed over things, undecided, he put them in the cart for me. The man does know me only too well.
He knows how to soothe my aches, both physical and spiritual. I can't imagine my life without him at my side. The next night after a day of chores, when I was still tired and worn down, he made me get dressed up and made reservations at a "fancy" restaurant, and said he thought it was important for us to still have dates and get out of the house. He said sitting around on the couch and watching TV on a Saturday night was not healthy.
So I'm going to continue on this week. The pain sucks, the depression sucks, it all sucks. But my life doesn't have to suck. I will do the things I'm supposed to do, the things I want to do. I know my body and my mind are going to hurt no matter if I'm sitting like a lump on the bed watching mindless reality shows, or if I'm busy with housework and pottery and pricing items for our March show. I might as well spend my days doing something worthwhile. I might as well clean in the basement. I might as well dust my bookshelves. I won't feel any better just lazing about wishing Hazel would miraculously show up at my door.
At the end of a day, at the end of the week, I might be swallowing a handful of something-anything for the pain, but I'll look back and say, well at least I accomplished this or that. For 2016 I splurged and bought myself an expensive planner for a change, no more of those dull vinyl-covered things from the office supply store. I fill each day with notes and to-do items and what I ate and how the weather was and where J was at and how many steps were on my activity monitor and what book I'm reading and little sayings to give me hope or strength and colorful stickers. Okay, maybe that's very preschool of me, but it works. It's actually helped me get through the bad days. Even on a truly shitty day, I can still find things to fill the empty spaces, even if it's just my thoughts about having a truly shitty day.
I do have a lot of good things on my horizon, things to look forward to, things to make plans for. Yes, some of it will be work, but none of it is anything that's being forced on me. Any undertaking on my agenda, is always one of my own creation. J even asked me to do a favor for him this week, and I'll be damned if I'll let my sweet husband down.
Last week I let it all get to me, and let it get me down. I am going to spend this week fighting back against it. I know those weeks will always come, but they also always go too. So today I will trudge uphill and make it as close to the top as I can. Tomorrow I may be starting back down at the bottom again, but that's okay. That's tomorrow. Today it is still today!
MISS GEE
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