Getting It Together

Well I'm back, and I'm going to give the blog another try. I've been wanting to start a new blog (and I still might), but I realized that I've just left this one hanging for so long now. And my depression and anxiety are no closer to being gone. I started the blog to journal my ups and downs, and they still continue. Things have happened in my life lately that I don't really want to talk about now, but I know I need to vent eventually. Right now we have a big event looming, and that's all I can focus on. My time, my energy, my body, my emotions.

We are two weeks away from finally moving to our new house. Yes, the house I blogged about a year ago. It's taken all this time. Most normal people move over a weekend. But of course we don't do things the normal way. We've been spending weekends moving everything one pickup truck load at a time, making the 500 mile round trip- sometimes in one day. It's been exhausting and painful. Physically painful for me, doing all of this packing. And emotionally painful because we go to our beautiful, peaceful new home for just a few hours, then come back to the crappy shithole town and neighborhood we've lived in for almost nine years. I'm ready to be gone, for good.

My body is a wreck. I have days I can barely get out of bed, I ache so much. All the scrubbing and vacuuming and carrying boxes is more than I can handle in my current state. The cleaning supplies give me awful headaches and agitate my asthma. My hands are cracked and bleeding. Seriously. Moving is for younger, healthier people. The last time we moved, here in 2008, J's company took care of everything. Before that, it was just moving to houses on the other side of town. This is a first for us, moving ourselves so far away. And what you can do at 30, is a lot harder at 50. And I know I still have to unpack once we do finally move.

I took the photo above, in the fall, and it's my favorite one from the new house. I'm standing about halfway up the driveway, looking down. You can't even see the street out there. It's amazing. I have been hanging on for a year. These last two weeks are draining me. J still travels full time for his job, although he's become severely unhappy about it. He's been at his current assignment since the first week of this year, and he hates it. I think once we move, he will start looking to find a local job. We know he won't make nearly the money he makes now, but he'll be at home and he'll have a lot less stress. Sometimes money can't compete with the things that give you peace in your heart.

For now, even though we physically move to the new house on Easter weekend, we have a lot of work that we will leave behind. We will have a big estate sale- the people from the company come tomorrow to look at all our remaining stuff. Once that is over, then J and I will have to come back down here and get either Goodwill or Salvation Army to take the unsold items. Then we will have to get a contractor in here to fix up the house. Two realtors will be coming in this weekend to give us appraisals. Both are friends. I'm even feeling anxiety over choosing one friend over the other. Seriously. J said to let it go, they are professionals, they probably get turned down for listings on a regular basis.

It's nothing major, but anyone who has pets and carpet, know that the two don't mix very well. The house needs all new carpet, hardwood floors, paint. We also plan to replace our worn out appliances, and freshen up the landscaping. Then it goes on the market. I don't think it will take long. Houses in my neighborhood are selling within days of going on the market. We had six houses sell in about two weeks. Of course, we won't be ready for probably two months, but hopefully the desire for houses in our area will still continue.

All of this has caused tremendous anxiety for me. J keeps telling me it will all be okay, it will all work out. And I know it will. We're not doing anything different that thousands of other people are already doing every day across the country. But for me, with my anxiety out of my control, I can't help but to worry and pick apart our plans and find fault in every decision I'm making. It's been a long year. But now that we're at the end of it, it's oddly been even harder for me. No sense of relief, just increased angst. Because everything is more urgent now. And people- strangers, neighbors- will be coming into my house. Judging me for how dusty my furniture is. For the pet stains on my carpet. For the scratches on my floor. For the cobwebs I missed in the corner. For the musty pet smell in the air. For the weeds in the flower beds. All of it. J tells me, SO WHAT?! Who cares. We don't know these people, we'll never see them again, once it's over it's over and we move on with our new life. They are meaningless, their opinions are worthless.

He is so right, but it's hard for my brain to grab and hold onto that idea. And because of that, my anxiety right now is a 15 on a 1-10 scale. I try to just look forward to the joy and happiness that awaits us in our very near future, but I instead dwell on all the work I still have to do here. I dwell on the mistakes and bad choices of the past. I am paralyzed with it, and the depression has become overwhelming again. I drive by the house two doors down that sold in 11 days, I see their moving boxes stacked neatly in their garage, and I watched the two full moving trucks pull away on Sunday. I tell myself, see they just did it, easy peasy! Why the hell am I worrying myself to death!

Gotta go pack a few more boxes. I will plan to be back next week.

Still- MISS GEE

(The living room at my new house- can't wait to be there now!)