But Weight!

I’ve had two significant failures in my life.  The first was the end of my 13 year marriage to my first husband W.  Of course with hindsight, I know now that was actually the greatest moment of our entire relationship- walking out of the courthouse divorced and with my maiden name back.

The other failure has been my weight.  It’s the more obvious one, since everyone who meets me knows I’m overweight- I can't hide that no matter how I stand or what I wear.  Not everyone can look at me and know that I made the mistake of marrying a complete dickhead when I was in my early 20’s.  Most of the people in my current circle only know me as J’s doting other half.

J and I are both overweight and always have been.  Not horribly obese, we can still shop at a regular clothing store.  But we are both near the top limit of the plus-size sections.  Knowing that I can still squeeze into a 2X is really of little comfort to me.  I am not proud of it.  Even if I’m not buying clothes at the specialty shops like Lane Bryant, I am still very much plus-size!!

J has actually lost a good bit of weight since we met, and I have gained a great deal.  In the 9 years we’ve been together, he’s dropped 60 pounds without even trying, and I have gained the same amount!  I feel like when we were dating, it was false advertising- he dated a hot size 10 girlfriend and ended up with a grouchy old size 18/20 wife.

It seems to be at the core of everything that is wrong with me- fatigue, body aches, irritability, awful self-esteem, low sex drive, anxiety, feelings of hopelessness, anger at myself.  I know it’s foolish, but I think to myself:  If I lost weight I would have a better job that I loved.  If I lost weight I would want to make love every night.  If I lost weight my house would be cleaner and everything around me would be more organized.  If I lost weight I would be happy and carefree all of the time.  If I lost weight the world would fall into my lap and life would be easy.  Life would be perfect.

But I know the reality is, the only thing losing weight would do for me, is improve my physical wellbeing and maybe just a little of my emotional angst.  It won’t cure all of my ills- it won’t bring me a better salary or find me a nicer boss, it won't magically clean all my toilets or pull the weeds in my garden- but it seems as though it is always at the root of all of my issues.  There are a lot of things in my life that suck, that are out of my control, like all the crap at work right now.  But my weight is 100% my doing, and changing it- living a healthier lifestyle and making healthier choices- is completely in my hands.  Yet it has always been a struggle for me, and the one area where I feel like a big loser--just not at the scales.

Still, even knowing all of that, the needle on that scale never budges…

MISS GEE

I Love My Job

I really truly do feel deep sympathy for the folks who have lost their job over the last few years.  I’ve been unemployed before, and it sucks.  Nothing made me feel more worthless, than not having a decent job.   But I’ve never been unemployed under the dark shadow of such a bleak economy, when finding a new job was unlikely to happen quickly enough.  And some of those times, my unemployment was by choice- to move to another town, to go back to college.  Sometimes, losing a job was not by my doing.  Yes, I’ve been forced to take jobs that I didn’t particularly love- like cleaning fish tanks and animal cages at a small pet store making minimum wage and with no health care benefits- when I was in my 30’s and not as a teenager.

That is why I feel so damn ungrateful to be complaining about my current job.  I know there are people out there who would throw me in front of a speeding bus to have my job, any job.   I’ve managed to survive two large layoffs at my company, the first one back in 2001, and another one in 2011.  Both times our corporate offices came sweeping through and decimated our finance departments, across all 60+ offices throughout the country.  I would like to think I am still here, because I am a great employee and a hard worker, who is dedicated to the company and to the job.  And perhaps that is my downfall.

In 2011 they were kind enough to offer very generous severance packages, and in hindsight I wish I had taken it and quietly slipped out the front doors.  We all had to fight for our jobs, and I chose to dig in my heels to keep mine.  

Our department went from 23 down to about 14.  It does not seem like that much of a difference, but after cutting the “people”, they did not cut any of the work.  Those of us who remained, had to absorb the duties of the employees who were gone.  And, on top of assigning more work to each of us, they cut our hours drastically.  Now I am doing the job of two people, and working about 10-15 hours less a week.  And every week corporate takes something else off their plates and moves it on down the ladder to us.  It is a nightmare with nearly unattainable expectations.  Every day I have to choose what to work on and what to complete, because doing it all in the time I am allowed to work, is not possible.  I hate that I have turned into that person who has to say “I’m sorry, I couldn’t get that project done, I don’t have enough time/I'm too busy.”

And I have confidential insider information (from J) that things are about to get worse, when we buy up one of our larger competitors 2-3 months from now.  We will be inheriting their customers and most of their sales force, which will probably increase my current work at a rate I am loathe to contemplate.  I currently am responsible for about 1,000+ customer accounts, and have almost 200 salespeople to answer to.  Yes, just me.  I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like for me when we get dozens more salespeople and hundreds of new customers.  I will not be given any extra time, and they will not bring anyone else in to help.  They will just dump more work on me.  I am already at my breaking point, and I worry about what is to come.

The job has sucked my soul dry, every day I feel beat down.  I’ve never had a job where the working conditions set me up for failure before I can even start my day.  I just can’t keep up with the pace and workload any longer, none of us can.  I am in my late 40’s, and I’m one of the youngest ones in my department.  I actually sprint to the copy machine, to the rest room or coworkers’ offices, to the mail room, just to save time for actual work.  And after 11 years at this company- a company I thought I would stay at until retirement- I wake up every morning wishing I could somehow get out of it.  And not just because of the work load, but because of my new supervisor- but that’s for another post on another day.

I come home at night, after an added 40-minute commute, and I am so emotionally and physically wiped out, I can barely hold up my end of the conversation at the dinner table.  But, I am still a dutiful wife, and when I do get home I go about the business of running a household and taking care of a husband- I do that with great joy and I do my best to push beyond any fatigue.  And yes, J is an amazing man who gladly helps with chores around the house- even the kitchen!  Before I can turn around, the night is over, and I go to bed dreading the next work day.

But I have a job, that’s the important part, right?  No matter how much I hate it or how miserable it makes me….right??

MISS GEE

Left Behind

It seems as though the main trigger for my current state of unhappiness, was moving in 2008.  We moved to a new town, a new state, and a new job (within the same company).  It was a decision that J and I made together, because it was a promotion for him.  But I left behind great friends, a job I loved, a fantastic community, and my new side business.  I gave it all up without any hesitation, for my husband, because I love him so much that nothing else matters.  Or so I thought.

I thought that loving my husband was enough to carry me through anything in life, and on most days it is.  But the rest of the time, it’s not enough to overcome how much I hate my job and my new boss, and how much I miss my friends and the town we had to say goodbye to.  And on days where my mask slips and J sees how lonely and sad I am, he starts to shoulder the blame because I traded my old life in for his chance to move up the corporate ladder.  Then I end up just feeling worse and I try harder to keep it all tucked away inside, so J doesn’t feel regret when I can’t even muster a smile for him.  The cycle eats away at me.  It wears me down to always appear so upbeat.

J and I work for the same company, it’s how we met.  He’s been with U for 16 years, and it’s been 11 years for me.  I’ve always loved working here until recently.  When I started here at my new office, there was that adjustment period of getting to know my new coworkers and new duties, but at the same time it was comforting because it was the same company I’d always been at, just a different branch.  But this division is very different than the one I spent 8 years at- before, we were like a close family and came into work every day with laughter and we were truly glad to be there.  My coworkers and I ate lunch together, had potlucks in our break room, celebrated birthdays, put up Christmas trees that we all decorated together, met for dinners at night and brunches or coffee on the weekends.

This new division is all business and nothing but- and the atmosphere is super cold and has gotten even worse with the new investment company that bought us, and with recent layoffs.  The numbers matter, not the people.  I’ve been here 3 years now, and have not made one friend, nor do I care to.  I can barely tolerate my coworkers, we don’t even speak to each other.  Everyone hates it here, everyone is miserable, everyone keeps their head down and runs out the door at 5pm without even taking a glance back.  I was not used to that.

But, there's a lot of posts in the future about the job.

I am at that point where I have to decide, stay or go?  It just adds to my stress, which adds to my misery.

MISS GEE

Day One, Again

I am an unhappy, negative person and I don’t know why.  I have a normal life that many people might even envy.  I have an extremely generous, loving, caring, patient husband J who adores me and treats me like a princess.  I have a job that pays well and even though it’s stressful to me and I work hard, it’s stable and has great benefits, and I’ve already managed to survive several layoffs.  We are both employed and make good salaries and have a comfortable existence.  I live in a wonderful new house in a clean, peaceful, wooded community.  We have three vehicles, two of which are paid off.  My parents are still alive and happily married and healthy- and so are my in-laws.  I am fortunate enough to have gone to college and received a degree.  We have money in the bank and in our 401K’s, stocks, and manageable debt.  There is not much in my life that I’m lacking, and if I were, I could probably make it happen.

What I am lacking, that money can’t buy, is an explanation for the emptiness inside of me, a deep sadness that no matter what else is going on in my life that is positive, I am always down and out in my head and in my heart.  The first assumption is that I suffer from depression, although I’d be one of those millions on the TV commercials who has never been diagnosed.  I'm not sure if it's crossed wires in my brain or not, but something is wrong with me and the sunny days are passing me by, while I remain in my dark pit.

I am hoping that I can use this blog to lay it all out in the open so I can dissect it all- my thoughts, my fears, my anger, my high points and low places, my issues, and even my dreams for the future.  I'm in my late 40's, if I don't get my shit together soon, then WHEN??

MISS GEE