Agendas

Oh I have to apologize for my previous post, I don't want people thinking I hate my family.  I don't.  I was just tired, frustrated, and venting.  It was a stressful situation that just brought out the worst in me.  J said how people respond to stress shows a lot about their character, so I must really suck as a human being.

But this has been a good week, I am still trying to find a regular routine and rhythm for my days at home.  It is harder than I thought it would be.  I was so great at time management and organization at the office, but now that I'm at home every day, it's like I can't even put my thoughts and actions together long enough to concentrate on making breakfast.  I don't know what it is, but my days have not been very productive.  But I guess that depends on who you ask.  If you ask J, he will say it's all been good because my stress is down, my weight is down, my blood pressure is down.  Those were his goals for me.  But I had my own goals in mind and I am just not quite getting to them.

I've only been at home since the beginning of May, and one of those weeks we were out of town, and another week I spent at the hospital with my parents. Even so, I feel as though I should have accomplished more in this time period.  I have been working on pottery this week, but only for 1-2 hours a day.  I really envision myself making pottery full time, and maybe I will get there.  I still think about my old job a lot, and feel its shadow hovering over me, although I will never be back there again.  J said to stop wasting a single brain cell on that place.  I frequently wake up in the morning, having had a vivid dream about the office.  I suppose those will end one day.  Mentally I still feel like I am on a temporary vacation, instead of trying to focus my energy on making myself a full time stay at home entrepreneur.  I don't know if selling art on Etsy really qualifies me as self-employed or not.  It seems as though I've been working on my notebook of ideas, more than I have actually been making the pottery.

J really wants me to find a place where we can rent a booth and sell antiques and my art.  That seems to have become popular again lately in our area.  But I don't know if that's something I'm interested in doing or not.  We have several places here in town that take antiques on consignment, and plenty of fairs and festivals to get booths at.  I don't feel that organized yet, but I suppose it's something we could look at.  It's not really for the money, I think he's just trying to help me find something to focus on.  I don't know anything about antiques- I know we go to auctions and estate sales, and we buy what we like.  My tastes are very specific, such as vintage pottery and original oil paintings.  I buy a piece because I find it attractive, and I buy things without knowing their true monetary value.  Of course, I usually buy something to go into my home, not to turn around and resell it.  I don't know if I have enough knowledge to buy items cheap at yard sales and auctions, then try to mark them up for profit at an antique booth.  But, I'm still giving it some thought.  In fact on Saturday we're headed up to the starting point of a 90 mile long yard sale, that goes along an old highway through a dozen or more small towns.  I know J is going with the intentions of scoping out deals for selling.

The new medication I'm on since getting out of the hospital in April, still makes me quite sick and slows me down, but some days I feel like I'm just using this as an excuse.  This morning I fell with a thud into the large dresser in our bedroom, J came rushing in to ask if I was okay.  I was.  I just have extreme dizzy spells and sudden weakness in my limbs, and I can't stand up too quickly if I've been sitting for a bit.  I know it's the blood pressure medication, because my BP was so high two months ago, the doctor gave me the strongest meds she could to get it lowered.  Now I think my BP is bottoming out and causing the weakness.  It's kept me from working in the yard (I get sick every time I go out there), and kept me from exercising as much as I would like to.  I have an appointment in two weeks with my doctor, and I will discuss all of this with her, to see if she can lower my dosage.

The bottom line for me is, I am still feeling lost at home and grappling with putting purpose into my daily life.  I didn't quit my job to stay at home and vacuum all day (which literally does take me all day to do because I get very weak after just 2-3 minutes, I have to stop and rest frequently).  Until our upcoming vacation at the end of July, there should be no interruptions to my being at home alone every day, to work on whatever I want to work on.  Be it pottery, exercise, gardening, or even my three blogs.  I feel like I am just whining on here, about all the negatives.  But really there are NO negatives in my life right now!  J graciously opened up a huge doorway into the future for me, to be and do whatever it is I truly desire, to have all the time and tools and opportunity to create the life I want for myself.  Not many husbands can do that for their wives.  And I don't want to squander it away.  J is usually gone for 12 hours a day, sometimes more, and I have absolutely nothing to do except for what I put on my list for the day.

It's almost too overwhelming.  I feel like a little girl who still hasn't decided what she wants to be one day when she finally grows up.  But hell, I'm no kid, I'm almost 50!  Why haven't I figured it all out yet?

MISS GEE